Pearl necklaces and other chokers......
OK,I have added the GoGB latest set of rules within the link to the cast...please take a look and any additions are most welcome! Just email me from the link or drop a comment in.
So farewell then Holland.......nothing else to say except that all football stuff will now appear on the ChelseaBoy link which I have added to the side. This is my new area where the Chelsea and football stuff will reside whilst this blog will just continue with my inane ramblings and rantings.
So farewell then...Timbo..,Henners....President of the All English Chokers Club. I did fucking tell you all this would happen. This man (sic) is without doubt the undisputed king of the chokers. No-one compares to him. Every year he says "I can win" in that whiny fucking voice, every year the wimpiest pumping fist comes into action (I've seen sites about that!) and every year loads of dumb arsed, stupid, gullible middle class housewives and bored fucking students turn up at Wimpledon (pun intended) to cheer this absolute Mr Nice Guy No Hoper fucking loser on, when for the rest of the fucking year they couldn't give two shits about Tennis or Tosser Tim.
And every fucking year he loses.
As for these so called fans, and this apparent Henmania, well I don't see them avidly travelling the world to watch their once a year choker , unlike our heroic long suffering football, cricket and rugby fans. Nah, once a year they make their way to Henman Hill in the increasingly faint and desperate hope that he might win. Nope,it ain't gonna happen. Still, as we will no doubt hear and read over the next few days..there's always next year. No doubt we'll keep wheeling out the real winners such as McEnroe or Becker to reassure us long suffering English fans (coz the Scots, Welsh and Irish sure as hell don't give a shit about him)that we can have a winner. We really are a desperate nation, clinging onto any faint hope that some sort of sporting prowess will make us love ourselves again, and make the world like us again.
Perhaps if we stopped thinking we were the dogs bollocks and had a divine right to win things that might help. Perhaps if we stopped sticking our nose into other peoples business that might help. Perhaps if we embraced other nations instead of treating them as "Johnny Foreigners" that might help. Better still, if we dropped the notion of honourable unlucky heroic failures from our national pysche and adopted the US/Aussie/German....frankly the rest of the world mentality that WINNING IS EVERYTHING instead of bringing our kids up, like we were bought up to believe that taking part, and doing your best was honourable enough, then we might start winning things. And people might like us for more than our spending power again. Just a thought.
Still laughing about the nature of Big Chiefs departure...proof that what goes around..comes around. Proof also that Seagull Management, whereby you fly in, screech loudly, shit on people and then fly off will eventually rebound at some point. Because at some point you'll shit on an Eagle (nice USA link Jack!)and they will always fucking beat a Seagull.
Please also have a look at the Diamond Geezer link because tis is the dogs danglies of blogs at the moment. Diamond Geezer obviously has more time than me. I can only aspire to this level of blogging.
Later, GrocerJack
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Pipes, Tubes and Strings…….
Well fucking well….the Big Chief has resigned for “personal reasons” and "to pursue other career interests". Interesting when you consider how may careers he fucked up here during his tenure. Interesting also when you consider good people were devalued, humiliated and "eased" out of the company. The Big Chief reports to the Head Chief who in turn reports to the European Head Chief who in turn reports to The Global World President (El Presidente). Apparently The Big Chief worked for The Head Chief some time ago and they hated each other then, and it seems things are no different today. Head Chief is a yank, Big Chief is Canadian so methinks there might be some traditional geographical rivalry here. After all Head Chief’s position is just that notch above Big Chief, which loosely relates to the relationship between the good ol’ US of A and Canada….yeah alright the gap is much bigger on the world stage whatever Canadians might like to think. Anyway Big Chief was a fucking ignorant rude, ill mannered, foul tempered pig of a man, whereas Head Chief seems very…….LA West Coast….almost a greying hippy. He seems very calm and one can imagine him meditating, or passing a spliff amongst his senior team. Apparently when Head Chief was appointed (6 months ago) Big Chief found out via the internal company intranet…errr exactly the same way as the rest of us plebs! The proverbial shit hit the fan then and Big Chief spent the day in his office with the door locked, bottom lip unfurled the length of the office and with his phone switched off. For this sulk alone, added to the obvious inferiority complex he has (or will get) by being usurped yet again by a representative of Uncle Sam this miserable piece of ignorant scum gets full membership of the GoGb (see postings passim). Welcome aboard Big Chief. If I ever see you after you’ve left…..expect some intense fucking verbal abuse. I hope it fucking hurts.
That means yet another re-org as Apprentice Big Chief takes over shortly and will undoubtedly want to “mark his territory” by putting his mark of Cain upon our somewhat unjolly and demotivated department. Another change for The Company’s High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department. Will this affect Jack…who knows? But if I were the Sandman or the Sandman’s boss (yep that makes me that low in the organisation) hereinafter known as The Godfather, then I might be worried because they will be under the microscope first.
Tubes of a different kind now………….some comment on the tube strike, Bob Crow (Big Chief of the RMT – does that stand for Robbers, Muggers and Twats?) is a fucking prat and a Millwall fan to boot. He calls strikes for shite reasons such as “public safety”…or “the future of our transport system” ….yeah dress it up as a public spirited action eh Bob! When he uses these bullshit reasons all I can think of is he’s a liar and a wanker. If he just came straight out and said “I’m a tub thumping socialist radical trouble making bastard who wants to make a name for myself” then that would be fine, but to hang this shite on the tenuous premise of being public spirited is just complete bollocks. However, in defence of this strike I have to defend the RMT and Mr Brainless Crow. Striking for a decent days pay is well within the law and is justified. For too long in this country we have doffed our caps to the Government or Big Companies and allowed them to shaft us in order to deliver “shareholder value” or cut costs. Britain sold its workers souls down the river under Thatch and New Labour Nannies have done fuck all to re-dress the balance. So, like the French do, I applaud strikes done for the apparently selfish reason of “more pay” . Its time we re-discovered our balls in this country instead of meekly accepting everything the government (national and local) and our employers do to us. Bob “brainless” Crow…I take my hat off to you and your Union on this occasion.
Fucked your journey to work has it? Some solutions to get over this happening again
1.) Get your employer to install Broadband and then use VPN technology to work from home as if you were in the office..its both cheap and dead easy
2.) Buy a pushbike to do the 5 mile journey to work
3.) Get a job outside London (like I did)
4.) Walk
5.) Use the overground railways
6.) Use buses…there are fucking thousands of them
7.) Throw a sickie
8.) Take a well earned days holiday
9.) By a scooter or motorbike
10.) Walk down the tube routes…Ok that’s impractical…electrocution and all that……….wait……..why not shut the tubes down and convert them to well lit, warm underground footpaths and cycle paths! Blimey we could have underground shops and even underground flats for those die-hard commuters. Can anyone think of an objection to this? Apart from making a few mangy old rats homeless this seems an environmentally friendly and cheap to run alternative.
Fuck me I really like that last idea! Apart from the fact that I actually enjoy riding the Tube no matter how desperate it is getting. In fact, my real view is that we should extend the tube to all Towns and Cities, incorporated with systems similar to the DLR (Docklands Light Railway) and then link all the cities with High Speed (and I mean 150mph plus) train links run by a nationalised organisation at no profit, but as a public service and yes….heavily subsidized by taxpayers like they do in France. Life is not all about profit.
Later, Grocerjack
Well fucking well….the Big Chief has resigned for “personal reasons” and "to pursue other career interests". Interesting when you consider how may careers he fucked up here during his tenure. Interesting also when you consider good people were devalued, humiliated and "eased" out of the company. The Big Chief reports to the Head Chief who in turn reports to the European Head Chief who in turn reports to The Global World President (El Presidente). Apparently The Big Chief worked for The Head Chief some time ago and they hated each other then, and it seems things are no different today. Head Chief is a yank, Big Chief is Canadian so methinks there might be some traditional geographical rivalry here. After all Head Chief’s position is just that notch above Big Chief, which loosely relates to the relationship between the good ol’ US of A and Canada….yeah alright the gap is much bigger on the world stage whatever Canadians might like to think. Anyway Big Chief was a fucking ignorant rude, ill mannered, foul tempered pig of a man, whereas Head Chief seems very…….LA West Coast….almost a greying hippy. He seems very calm and one can imagine him meditating, or passing a spliff amongst his senior team. Apparently when Head Chief was appointed (6 months ago) Big Chief found out via the internal company intranet…errr exactly the same way as the rest of us plebs! The proverbial shit hit the fan then and Big Chief spent the day in his office with the door locked, bottom lip unfurled the length of the office and with his phone switched off. For this sulk alone, added to the obvious inferiority complex he has (or will get) by being usurped yet again by a representative of Uncle Sam this miserable piece of ignorant scum gets full membership of the GoGb (see postings passim). Welcome aboard Big Chief. If I ever see you after you’ve left…..expect some intense fucking verbal abuse. I hope it fucking hurts.
That means yet another re-org as Apprentice Big Chief takes over shortly and will undoubtedly want to “mark his territory” by putting his mark of Cain upon our somewhat unjolly and demotivated department. Another change for The Company’s High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department. Will this affect Jack…who knows? But if I were the Sandman or the Sandman’s boss (yep that makes me that low in the organisation) hereinafter known as The Godfather, then I might be worried because they will be under the microscope first.
Tubes of a different kind now………….some comment on the tube strike, Bob Crow (Big Chief of the RMT – does that stand for Robbers, Muggers and Twats?) is a fucking prat and a Millwall fan to boot. He calls strikes for shite reasons such as “public safety”…or “the future of our transport system” ….yeah dress it up as a public spirited action eh Bob! When he uses these bullshit reasons all I can think of is he’s a liar and a wanker. If he just came straight out and said “I’m a tub thumping socialist radical trouble making bastard who wants to make a name for myself” then that would be fine, but to hang this shite on the tenuous premise of being public spirited is just complete bollocks. However, in defence of this strike I have to defend the RMT and Mr Brainless Crow. Striking for a decent days pay is well within the law and is justified. For too long in this country we have doffed our caps to the Government or Big Companies and allowed them to shaft us in order to deliver “shareholder value” or cut costs. Britain sold its workers souls down the river under Thatch and New Labour Nannies have done fuck all to re-dress the balance. So, like the French do, I applaud strikes done for the apparently selfish reason of “more pay” . Its time we re-discovered our balls in this country instead of meekly accepting everything the government (national and local) and our employers do to us. Bob “brainless” Crow…I take my hat off to you and your Union on this occasion.
Fucked your journey to work has it? Some solutions to get over this happening again
1.) Get your employer to install Broadband and then use VPN technology to work from home as if you were in the office..its both cheap and dead easy
2.) Buy a pushbike to do the 5 mile journey to work
3.) Get a job outside London (like I did)
4.) Walk
5.) Use the overground railways
6.) Use buses…there are fucking thousands of them
7.) Throw a sickie
8.) Take a well earned days holiday
9.) By a scooter or motorbike
10.) Walk down the tube routes…Ok that’s impractical…electrocution and all that……….wait……..why not shut the tubes down and convert them to well lit, warm underground footpaths and cycle paths! Blimey we could have underground shops and even underground flats for those die-hard commuters. Can anyone think of an objection to this? Apart from making a few mangy old rats homeless this seems an environmentally friendly and cheap to run alternative.
Fuck me I really like that last idea! Apart from the fact that I actually enjoy riding the Tube no matter how desperate it is getting. In fact, my real view is that we should extend the tube to all Towns and Cities, incorporated with systems similar to the DLR (Docklands Light Railway) and then link all the cities with High Speed (and I mean 150mph plus) train links run by a nationalised organisation at no profit, but as a public service and yes….heavily subsidized by taxpayers like they do in France. Life is not all about profit.
Later, Grocerjack
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
This Weeks Work of Art - The Old Market in Rouen - by Camille Pissaro (1830-1903). Painted in 1898 and currently on display at The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York. Pissaro was very acclaimed whilst alive and can claim to have Paul Gaugin and Paul Cezanne amongst his pupils, as well as the American Impressionist Mary Cassat.
I don't know what grabs me about this picture as it goes against most of what I like, in that its an almost traditional picture. Pissaro himself is classed as a French Impressionist, although the level of impressionism is lower in this that you might see in a Monet. It just seems to me that the artist has captured the absolute essence of a market in a French provincial town that would stand its ground even today. In a sense its almost claustrophobic, with all the buildings huddled together and the people bustling their way through. The use of colour is interesting as well, with predominant use of beige and light brown with flashes of Orange and Green to bring the eye to certain areas of the painting. It isn't as challenging as some of the stuff I like, but it is simplistic in certain ways and good on the eye. Perhaps thats the appeal. Comments?
Monday, June 28, 2004
A bad week continues…….grumpy as hell
Although the week wasn’t that bad for me apart from the Sven disaster, my friend The Major and The Major’s Wife had a very bad week. The Majors Wife had a close friend who died suddenly and the funeral was last Tuesday. She was very distraught, as most of us would be at the death of anyone close, related or not. On Wednesday she went into work and was made redundant on the spot – no notice, fuck all. So confidence slid alarmingly. On Friday The Major went in to work……yeah you guessed it…only to be made redundant with no notice. What a shitty week for them. Of course as friends we are all trying to help, and Frankly The Major seems quite matter of fact about his loss of job as he was expected to work ludicrous hours for little pay and virtually no holiday. In a way he sees it as a bit of an opportunity to get a new start. I wonder if I could deal with something like this so dispassionately…..could I bollocks!
Today I received an email from the company I bought Theme Park Tickets from. A year ago we booked for the holiday in Florida, the one off for the kids that you’re almost obliged to do at some point. We got a great deal on the villa and booked 3 weeks in August. Then the email arrived – the company selling the Theme tickets has gone into administration….fucking joy! £1200 may well be down the pan. I bought them on May 24th, so all we can hope for is that the credit card will cover us via insurance. It has shaken my faith in Internet Shopping big time, and after all the re-orgs at work, the cuts in money by loss of standby, and GMD’s contract in London finally finishing we could do without potentially lobbing £1200 into some crooked bastards pocket. As you may gather this has made me very fucking annoyed…watch this space to see if I can put enough rockets up arses to not be out of pocket. So, plenty of diplomacy required then…..perhaps GMD should do it then!
So, the US hands power to Iraq two days early then. How about 6 months too late! I, like a lot of people am tiring of the daily stories of death and destruction emanating from Iraq and if this belated gesture helps bring the violence to an end (although I doubt it) then that can only be for the good.
No sleep, bad emails, sad friends, shite weather, study backlog, stroppy daughter (more on Teenager later)….no wonder today feels rather bleak
Later, Grocerjack
Although the week wasn’t that bad for me apart from the Sven disaster, my friend The Major and The Major’s Wife had a very bad week. The Majors Wife had a close friend who died suddenly and the funeral was last Tuesday. She was very distraught, as most of us would be at the death of anyone close, related or not. On Wednesday she went into work and was made redundant on the spot – no notice, fuck all. So confidence slid alarmingly. On Friday The Major went in to work……yeah you guessed it…only to be made redundant with no notice. What a shitty week for them. Of course as friends we are all trying to help, and Frankly The Major seems quite matter of fact about his loss of job as he was expected to work ludicrous hours for little pay and virtually no holiday. In a way he sees it as a bit of an opportunity to get a new start. I wonder if I could deal with something like this so dispassionately…..could I bollocks!
Today I received an email from the company I bought Theme Park Tickets from. A year ago we booked for the holiday in Florida, the one off for the kids that you’re almost obliged to do at some point. We got a great deal on the villa and booked 3 weeks in August. Then the email arrived – the company selling the Theme tickets has gone into administration….fucking joy! £1200 may well be down the pan. I bought them on May 24th, so all we can hope for is that the credit card will cover us via insurance. It has shaken my faith in Internet Shopping big time, and after all the re-orgs at work, the cuts in money by loss of standby, and GMD’s contract in London finally finishing we could do without potentially lobbing £1200 into some crooked bastards pocket. As you may gather this has made me very fucking annoyed…watch this space to see if I can put enough rockets up arses to not be out of pocket. So, plenty of diplomacy required then…..perhaps GMD should do it then!
So, the US hands power to Iraq two days early then. How about 6 months too late! I, like a lot of people am tiring of the daily stories of death and destruction emanating from Iraq and if this belated gesture helps bring the violence to an end (although I doubt it) then that can only be for the good.
No sleep, bad emails, sad friends, shite weather, study backlog, stroppy daughter (more on Teenager later)….no wonder today feels rather bleak
Later, Grocerjack
Friday, June 25, 2004
If only...number 3 in a periodic series of ...if only pics. Note the authors name!Apparently Becks has vowed to continue as Captain, which is wrong in my view. However, I do wonder if the recent Sun/News of the Screws revelations fucked his mind up a bit? They certainly didn't help, so thanks to Rupert Murdoch and your scumbag, low-life cockroach journalists in your moronic arse wipe papers. Job well done!
Things I know about football……..or Grocerjack 4-Sven Fuckwit 3
Sven’s team talks at half time must be shit because when we come out for second halves we look like a lost cause (as when we played Argentina, Brazil, France and now Portugal). I remember after losing to Brazil, a senior player, when asked what was said at half time quoted "We wanted Winston Churchill...we got Ian Duncan-Smith". Nuff said.
Sven got the tactics and substitutions terribly wrong last night. He sent huge signs of capitulation with those last two substitutions
Scolari (the Portuguese coach) kicked every ball, headed every header, felt every tackle. Sven looked a little exasperated at best, and McLaren sighed occasionally. Bring on Sam Allardyce and get the passion back.
Defending a one goal lead is tantamount to suicide, it rarely works.
English footballers are chokers as are most English sportsmen/women (Rugby team are exceptions for the time being). Stand up Tim Henman, the supreme choker and Life president of ECC (English Choker Club).
In the Premiership all of those players would be trying to score goals, so why do they heed what Sven says?
We are shit at penalties
Beckham is not a leader – time to hand the captaincy on. Maybe like Botham he can then be the player he was two years ago.
Why take Joe Cole and Kieron Dyer and then bring on Phil Neville and Owen Hargreaves? At least Cole (greedy) and Dyer (fast) would try and take the game to Portugal.
Phil Neville wouldn’t get in my local pub team. Never darken the England team again.
Owen Hargreaves in NOT international class, he’d struggle playing for Leicester
Emile Heskey is absolved from blame as he didn’t play last night. Still a donkey though.
David James should hand over to Kirkland from Liverpool and quick
Paul Scholes cannot perform for England. He is a spent force.
Ashley Cole was superb (that hurts coming from a Chelsea fan), so was Sol Campbell.
Hats off to Gary Neville, Frank Lampard, Michael Owen, Stephen Gerrard
For me the tournament is over. I have 6 football free weeks until the Premiership starts.
I will never see England win a major football tournament in my lifetime (1966 doesn’t count because I was only 4 at the time!)
I am emotionally spent and cannot summon enough to pledge allegiance to any of the remaining teams, even my adopted future homeland of France.
From now on it must be Club (my beloved Chelsea) before Country for me. I do not have enough emotional and passionate currency for both. When Sven goes I will allow myself to be bothered again.
I know the last statement will disappear at the next England game,
I know my Club will let me down at some point this coming season.
Later, Grocerjack
Sven’s team talks at half time must be shit because when we come out for second halves we look like a lost cause (as when we played Argentina, Brazil, France and now Portugal). I remember after losing to Brazil, a senior player, when asked what was said at half time quoted "We wanted Winston Churchill...we got Ian Duncan-Smith". Nuff said.
Sven got the tactics and substitutions terribly wrong last night. He sent huge signs of capitulation with those last two substitutions
Scolari (the Portuguese coach) kicked every ball, headed every header, felt every tackle. Sven looked a little exasperated at best, and McLaren sighed occasionally. Bring on Sam Allardyce and get the passion back.
Defending a one goal lead is tantamount to suicide, it rarely works.
English footballers are chokers as are most English sportsmen/women (Rugby team are exceptions for the time being). Stand up Tim Henman, the supreme choker and Life president of ECC (English Choker Club).
In the Premiership all of those players would be trying to score goals, so why do they heed what Sven says?
We are shit at penalties
Beckham is not a leader – time to hand the captaincy on. Maybe like Botham he can then be the player he was two years ago.
Why take Joe Cole and Kieron Dyer and then bring on Phil Neville and Owen Hargreaves? At least Cole (greedy) and Dyer (fast) would try and take the game to Portugal.
Phil Neville wouldn’t get in my local pub team. Never darken the England team again.
Owen Hargreaves in NOT international class, he’d struggle playing for Leicester
Emile Heskey is absolved from blame as he didn’t play last night. Still a donkey though.
David James should hand over to Kirkland from Liverpool and quick
Paul Scholes cannot perform for England. He is a spent force.
Ashley Cole was superb (that hurts coming from a Chelsea fan), so was Sol Campbell.
Hats off to Gary Neville, Frank Lampard, Michael Owen, Stephen Gerrard
For me the tournament is over. I have 6 football free weeks until the Premiership starts.
I will never see England win a major football tournament in my lifetime (1966 doesn’t count because I was only 4 at the time!)
I am emotionally spent and cannot summon enough to pledge allegiance to any of the remaining teams, even my adopted future homeland of France.
From now on it must be Club (my beloved Chelsea) before Country for me. I do not have enough emotional and passionate currency for both. When Sven goes I will allow myself to be bothered again.
I know the last statement will disappear at the next England game,
I know my Club will let me down at some point this coming season.
Later, Grocerjack
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Auf Wiedersehen Deutschland....
So, farewell then Germany. They played to the same game plan as Italy did when they failed to qualify, and the same game plan England used unsuccessfully against France - i.e protect a one goal lead. Too risky and the price was paid. So, thats 3 big names out at the Group stage and tonight is Englands big night. I was torn over this. On one hand do I treat it like a Chelsea game and isolate myself from the world, or do I invite my friends over and go through the unfurling drama with them? In essence my Chelsea policy remains sacred, and so I have decided to watch the game with a few mates and some beers. It will be agony. There may be some ecstasy. If it comes down to penalties then I will wear my "I can't hear you la la la " hat and wander off to the fields near my house. Penalty shoot outs must be endured in an isolated place both blind from the action, and deafened to the ambient noise of cheers or groans. I have adopted this policy 3 times for England now, and we have lost on all 3 occasions, surely it must work at some point?
The GoGB now has an academy and now offers the following development opportunities for the fairer sex
Training courses now available for women:-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where no Woman has gone before.
2. The Undiscovered side of banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going without new outfits
5. Man Management: Discover how household chores can wait until after the game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men need Space in the Bathroom cabinet too
7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His razor is His
8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The last resort, not the first
9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking
10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What you Want, Without Nagging
11. Driving a car Safely: A skill you CAN acquire
12. Party Etiquette: Drinking your fair share
13. Telephone Skills: How to hang up
14. Introduction to Parking
15. Introduction to Petrol
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing into a space
17. Advanced Petrol: How to take the filler cap off
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking 1: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
20. Cooking 2: How Not to Inflict Your Diet on other people
21. PMT: Your Problem...Not His
22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To
23. Sex - It's for the Married Couple too
24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes you already have
25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence only Women notice
Later, Grocerjack
So, farewell then Germany. They played to the same game plan as Italy did when they failed to qualify, and the same game plan England used unsuccessfully against France - i.e protect a one goal lead. Too risky and the price was paid. So, thats 3 big names out at the Group stage and tonight is Englands big night. I was torn over this. On one hand do I treat it like a Chelsea game and isolate myself from the world, or do I invite my friends over and go through the unfurling drama with them? In essence my Chelsea policy remains sacred, and so I have decided to watch the game with a few mates and some beers. It will be agony. There may be some ecstasy. If it comes down to penalties then I will wear my "I can't hear you la la la " hat and wander off to the fields near my house. Penalty shoot outs must be endured in an isolated place both blind from the action, and deafened to the ambient noise of cheers or groans. I have adopted this policy 3 times for England now, and we have lost on all 3 occasions, surely it must work at some point?
The GoGB now has an academy and now offers the following development opportunities for the fairer sex
Training courses now available for women:-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where no Woman has gone before.
2. The Undiscovered side of banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going without new outfits
5. Man Management: Discover how household chores can wait until after the game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men need Space in the Bathroom cabinet too
7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His razor is His
8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The last resort, not the first
9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking
10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What you Want, Without Nagging
11. Driving a car Safely: A skill you CAN acquire
12. Party Etiquette: Drinking your fair share
13. Telephone Skills: How to hang up
14. Introduction to Parking
15. Introduction to Petrol
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing into a space
17. Advanced Petrol: How to take the filler cap off
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking 1: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
20. Cooking 2: How Not to Inflict Your Diet on other people
21. PMT: Your Problem...Not His
22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To
23. Sex - It's for the Married Couple too
24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes you already have
25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence only Women notice
Later, Grocerjack
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
One of those days……
This morning I had a meeting with The Walrus, minus his new assistant, Wee Lassie. Wee Lassie is not a reference to her being a dog, more of where she comes from. Which is Scotland. She is lovely, jet black long hair, elfin face, pale white skin and a great figure. She is 25, therefore I am firmly in the realms of GoGB crisis. I should concentrate when she’s there, but I guess for purely genetic reasons I just can’t! Anyway before I digress into a spiral of mid life crisis - I was spared this dilemma this morning because she wasn’t around. The Walrus interrupted me at every possible opportunity, didn’t listen to anything I said, sponged a coffee from me and sat there with his vast belly showing through an undone button in his shirt. I don’t remember finishing a sentence. After 15 minutes of a 90 minute scheduled meeting I was starting to lose my patience with him to the point where I wanted to walk away or smack him one, but then the phone rang. It was The Mysterious M – I was never so glad to have to answer the phone to my boss! His message was short and sweet - I now own the relationship with Big Telephone Company and Desperate Dan Ltd (they won the tender against all odds for outsourcing some of our work) and I will also be picking up my new team in around 3 weeks.
Within seconds of saying “Thanks M” I realised my opportunity here. The phone was dead but I carried on an imaginary conversation along the lines of
Jack: OK M, but I’m sure we covered that off
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: Well, if you say so, but can it really be that urgent?
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: You’re asking me to shelve a lot of plans for today…
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: Well, I guess if Big Chief wants it done I have no choice…what…he asked specifically for me…well I suppose that’s a compliment then
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: OK M, I’ll get right on it, I’m sure no-one will mind me cancelling meetings for the next 2 days…
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: See you in 5 minutes for the full debrief then….
The Imaginary M: silence
The Walrus: Listen mate, it sounds like you’ve got bigger fish to fry…..I’ll leave you to it….Good Luck…and if you need any help…well you know….I’m always happy to help you
And with that he was gone.
And was it my imagination but was he looking sad and lonely?
I feel guilty
Why?
He was a complete pain, rude, ignorant, arrogant and judgemental. Am I getting soft? Even 3 months ago I wouldn’t have given a shit and would have said something (diplomatically) to his face, but now I’m reduced to false phone conversations. What the fuck is happening? Should I call him and tell him the truth? What happens next time if he is like this? Or does he know the truth and didn’t want to hurt my feelings?
Management Gobbledygook Bollocks talk…
Try this for size, this is the latest from Big Chief (two levels above The Sandman)
Summer is here... We have had a bad run in May in terms of keeping all the systems up and in-service; hopefully we will have a better June. The financial results for April and May are stable but not quite hitting the mark at the top line, but seem OK at the bottom line. Today we will sit as the investment committee in order to significantly reduce the number of active, inactive and proposed projects …wish us luck... we have never been terribly successful at this... Why ... to focus and increase efficiency….and effectiveness. Even though we have more CAPEX than ever before, the number of projects contending for investment and resource commitment for technology and humans is higher than ever before, and even though we never reduce the total number of projects to exactly fit the budget (because projects often under spend against the business case)... we need to get a bit closer and to leverage more synergies from our global positioning within a UK context.
Clear? Concise? Inspiring?
Or just complete bollocks?
Later, Grocerjack
This morning I had a meeting with The Walrus, minus his new assistant, Wee Lassie. Wee Lassie is not a reference to her being a dog, more of where she comes from. Which is Scotland. She is lovely, jet black long hair, elfin face, pale white skin and a great figure. She is 25, therefore I am firmly in the realms of GoGB crisis. I should concentrate when she’s there, but I guess for purely genetic reasons I just can’t! Anyway before I digress into a spiral of mid life crisis - I was spared this dilemma this morning because she wasn’t around. The Walrus interrupted me at every possible opportunity, didn’t listen to anything I said, sponged a coffee from me and sat there with his vast belly showing through an undone button in his shirt. I don’t remember finishing a sentence. After 15 minutes of a 90 minute scheduled meeting I was starting to lose my patience with him to the point where I wanted to walk away or smack him one, but then the phone rang. It was The Mysterious M – I was never so glad to have to answer the phone to my boss! His message was short and sweet - I now own the relationship with Big Telephone Company and Desperate Dan Ltd (they won the tender against all odds for outsourcing some of our work) and I will also be picking up my new team in around 3 weeks.
Within seconds of saying “Thanks M” I realised my opportunity here. The phone was dead but I carried on an imaginary conversation along the lines of
Jack: OK M, but I’m sure we covered that off
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: Well, if you say so, but can it really be that urgent?
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: You’re asking me to shelve a lot of plans for today…
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: Well, I guess if Big Chief wants it done I have no choice…what…he asked specifically for me…well I suppose that’s a compliment then
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: OK M, I’ll get right on it, I’m sure no-one will mind me cancelling meetings for the next 2 days…
The Imaginary M: silence
Jack: See you in 5 minutes for the full debrief then….
The Imaginary M: silence
The Walrus: Listen mate, it sounds like you’ve got bigger fish to fry…..I’ll leave you to it….Good Luck…and if you need any help…well you know….I’m always happy to help you
And with that he was gone.
And was it my imagination but was he looking sad and lonely?
I feel guilty
Why?
He was a complete pain, rude, ignorant, arrogant and judgemental. Am I getting soft? Even 3 months ago I wouldn’t have given a shit and would have said something (diplomatically) to his face, but now I’m reduced to false phone conversations. What the fuck is happening? Should I call him and tell him the truth? What happens next time if he is like this? Or does he know the truth and didn’t want to hurt my feelings?
Management Gobbledygook Bollocks talk…
Try this for size, this is the latest from Big Chief (two levels above The Sandman)
Summer is here... We have had a bad run in May in terms of keeping all the systems up and in-service; hopefully we will have a better June. The financial results for April and May are stable but not quite hitting the mark at the top line, but seem OK at the bottom line. Today we will sit as the investment committee in order to significantly reduce the number of active, inactive and proposed projects …wish us luck... we have never been terribly successful at this... Why ... to focus and increase efficiency….and effectiveness. Even though we have more CAPEX than ever before, the number of projects contending for investment and resource commitment for technology and humans is higher than ever before, and even though we never reduce the total number of projects to exactly fit the budget (because projects often under spend against the business case)... we need to get a bit closer and to leverage more synergies from our global positioning within a UK context.
Clear? Concise? Inspiring?
Or just complete bollocks?
Later, Grocerjack
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
A Quickie
The Belfry was tough, very tough, with punishing rough, bunkers with sides like the North face of The Eiger, greens so fast it was like putting on glass. Sunday we all got gloriously pissed and the organisers took every opportunity to take our money...for Charity of course. All in all we raised around £5,000 which The Company will match so £10,000 overall, which is no mean feat. I drove home listening to the England/Croatia match...it was torture but it alone was responsible for keeping me awake at the wheel.
Tonight I appear to have slept for 6 months! I had a small doze when I got in from work...when I woke it was cold, the sky was dark grey, a gale force wind was blowing, and the rain was absolutely torrential....therefore I can only conclude that it is now December and Chrismas is near. Dontcha just love the British Summer? Still, I guess all the health facists who run and hide whenever our nearest star rears its glorious but rare yellow face will be happy, along with those people who moan the minute it hits 70 and like wearing coats all year round. Umbrella anyone......?
Euro 2004 comment
Well done to Sven Fuckwit! Yep, the boy dun well. We played good passing and attacking football, without fear or trepidation and got what we needed to progress to a quarter final match against the hosts Portugal. Wayne Rooney was sheer class, but I hope the media don't pressurise him like they did with Gascoigne and ultimately lead him down a self destructive path in the same way. As for any criticisms, well it would be churlish to pick out any players as they all contributed to an exciting and enthralling game. Anyone notice how when Heskey has no involvement we actually win games?
But before we all start offering Sven a national blow job, lets see if we can get to the semi's and better still win the fucking tournament and add to the pride that the guys who play the game with odd shaped balls bought to us when winning the World Big Peanut Hugging and Egg Chasing Cup.
There, Humble Pie slice well and truly eaten.....happy now?
So,farewell then Spain.....once again the bridesmaid but never the bride. You always promise so much and deliver so little...perhaps our Government could find a role for you? With that pedigree you'd fit perfectly into a role running the UK!
So, farewell then Italy. Once again,you came, you saw, you defended, you bored people and you got your just desserts. Maybe you should look to England to see how sometimes it can be good to attack the opposition (blimey another huge slice of Humble Pie for me please).
Tomorrow night its either Holland or Germany to bite the dust. Holland are probably the better side and for the good of the tournament it would be nice to see them through, although they will be a handful to beat, but Germany are nowhere near the force of old and would dull other teams into submission. Altogether now... Dear Lord, Let Germany lose, let Germany lose, PLEASE LET GERMANY LOSE !
Joke - What do you call an Arsenal fan holding a bottle of Champagne?
.......Waiter!
Later,Grocerjack
The Belfry was tough, very tough, with punishing rough, bunkers with sides like the North face of The Eiger, greens so fast it was like putting on glass. Sunday we all got gloriously pissed and the organisers took every opportunity to take our money...for Charity of course. All in all we raised around £5,000 which The Company will match so £10,000 overall, which is no mean feat. I drove home listening to the England/Croatia match...it was torture but it alone was responsible for keeping me awake at the wheel.
Tonight I appear to have slept for 6 months! I had a small doze when I got in from work...when I woke it was cold, the sky was dark grey, a gale force wind was blowing, and the rain was absolutely torrential....therefore I can only conclude that it is now December and Chrismas is near. Dontcha just love the British Summer? Still, I guess all the health facists who run and hide whenever our nearest star rears its glorious but rare yellow face will be happy, along with those people who moan the minute it hits 70 and like wearing coats all year round. Umbrella anyone......?
Euro 2004 comment
Well done to Sven Fuckwit! Yep, the boy dun well. We played good passing and attacking football, without fear or trepidation and got what we needed to progress to a quarter final match against the hosts Portugal. Wayne Rooney was sheer class, but I hope the media don't pressurise him like they did with Gascoigne and ultimately lead him down a self destructive path in the same way. As for any criticisms, well it would be churlish to pick out any players as they all contributed to an exciting and enthralling game. Anyone notice how when Heskey has no involvement we actually win games?
But before we all start offering Sven a national blow job, lets see if we can get to the semi's and better still win the fucking tournament and add to the pride that the guys who play the game with odd shaped balls bought to us when winning the World Big Peanut Hugging and Egg Chasing Cup.
There, Humble Pie slice well and truly eaten.....happy now?
So,farewell then Spain.....once again the bridesmaid but never the bride. You always promise so much and deliver so little...perhaps our Government could find a role for you? With that pedigree you'd fit perfectly into a role running the UK!
So, farewell then Italy. Once again,you came, you saw, you defended, you bored people and you got your just desserts. Maybe you should look to England to see how sometimes it can be good to attack the opposition (blimey another huge slice of Humble Pie for me please).
Tomorrow night its either Holland or Germany to bite the dust. Holland are probably the better side and for the good of the tournament it would be nice to see them through, although they will be a handful to beat, but Germany are nowhere near the force of old and would dull other teams into submission. Altogether now... Dear Lord, Let Germany lose, let Germany lose, PLEASE LET GERMANY LOSE !
Joke - What do you call an Arsenal fan holding a bottle of Champagne?
.......Waiter!
Later,Grocerjack
This weeks Work of Art - another superb piece from the great man Van Gogh. This is called The Night Cafe. Full of evocative atmosphere, when you stand close you feel like you are actually entering the Cafe. Ask yourself these questions to help the critique - is the guy waiting for you to play billiards with him, or has he just beaten you? Is he looking at you, or past you? Is he friendly or wary? Are the couple at the back married or just "friends", and the 2 people on the right - are they plotting? Drunk? What are they talking about? Are they talking? And what could be in the room at the back..another bar? A brothel? The clock says 10 past 12, but is that afternoon or night - just because it is called The Night Cafe may be a diversionary tactic by Van Gogh. There is just so much happening , or potentially happening, or has happened that this painting can grip for hours. An absolute masterpiece and the first one I had to do a critique on when I did my Art History course with the OU. I hope you like it, but if not then please comment one way or the other. Later, Grocerjack
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Euro Footie Comment......
Tonight we saw the Mighty Germans play out a 0-0 draw against a battling side in nthe "minnows" of Latvia. Right after this was the game of the tournament and probably the best international match for some years. The Czech Republic beat Holland 3-2 in a real end to end thriller, with 37 shots on goal, a sending off (unjustified), fantastic striking of the ball, great passing and top class goalkeeping. But what really made it stand out was that Holland had a 2-0 lead and the Czechs fought back with 3 quality goals. This means the Czechs are through to the quarter finals and means Germany must beat them to go through. If they draw and Holland beat Latvia then Holland will progress, which would be the fairest result as the Dutch played a much more open and skilful game than the Germans. I hope the England boys were watching.
No blogs for a few days now as I am playing golf for the next 2 days at the annual company golf bash. The company always match the proceeds of the days and last year 60-odd golfers raised in excess of £4000 for charity, which the company doubled. This year we are playing the Belfry and quite frankly I'm shitting myself. I'm taking about 30 balls just in case!
Later, Grocerjack
Tonight we saw the Mighty Germans play out a 0-0 draw against a battling side in nthe "minnows" of Latvia. Right after this was the game of the tournament and probably the best international match for some years. The Czech Republic beat Holland 3-2 in a real end to end thriller, with 37 shots on goal, a sending off (unjustified), fantastic striking of the ball, great passing and top class goalkeeping. But what really made it stand out was that Holland had a 2-0 lead and the Czechs fought back with 3 quality goals. This means the Czechs are through to the quarter finals and means Germany must beat them to go through. If they draw and Holland beat Latvia then Holland will progress, which would be the fairest result as the Dutch played a much more open and skilful game than the Germans. I hope the England boys were watching.
No blogs for a few days now as I am playing golf for the next 2 days at the annual company golf bash. The company always match the proceeds of the days and last year 60-odd golfers raised in excess of £4000 for charity, which the company doubled. This year we are playing the Belfry and quite frankly I'm shitting myself. I'm taking about 30 balls just in case!
Later, Grocerjack
A Quickie
I thought we played shit against the Swiss, but at least the result was right for us. However, unlike the press I will not get carried away with the idea that we can win this tournament - we are distinctly average and if we meet Sweden, France or Italy I think they'd all roll over us. If we get past Croatia then perhaps we can improve as the tournament goes on, but our previous history doesn't really back the view that we can win.
Gary Mann, the idiot firefighter convicted in Portugal is set free by Uxbridge magistrates on bail and seems unlikely to serve his sentence of 2 years. Seems my "anonymous" comment poster was right about wishy washy judges because this stinks. Great, so now he can go and get pissed and start a ruck in a pub in this country. No wonder this country is going downhill when we overturn decisions made in a democratic country with similar laws to ourselves. All of this despite independent English witnesses who pointed the finger at him in court.
Anyway, I'm just off to rob the local bank, doesn't matter if I get caught because with the right judge I'll probably get a commendation!
Later, Grocerjack
I thought we played shit against the Swiss, but at least the result was right for us. However, unlike the press I will not get carried away with the idea that we can win this tournament - we are distinctly average and if we meet Sweden, France or Italy I think they'd all roll over us. If we get past Croatia then perhaps we can improve as the tournament goes on, but our previous history doesn't really back the view that we can win.
Gary Mann, the idiot firefighter convicted in Portugal is set free by Uxbridge magistrates on bail and seems unlikely to serve his sentence of 2 years. Seems my "anonymous" comment poster was right about wishy washy judges because this stinks. Great, so now he can go and get pissed and start a ruck in a pub in this country. No wonder this country is going downhill when we overturn decisions made in a democratic country with similar laws to ourselves. All of this despite independent English witnesses who pointed the finger at him in court.
Anyway, I'm just off to rob the local bank, doesn't matter if I get caught because with the right judge I'll probably get a commendation!
Later, Grocerjack
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Big day.....
Well, it's finally here, the day we've all been waiting for. The Big One. We've been here before, we've suffered the pain of watching defeat snatched from the jaws of victory, we've followed the thrills and spills, the incidents, the bad decisions, the inspired genius of top class sportsman at the peak of their capabilities, we've seen their form slump and felt for them as it withered on the vine. The passion, the tension, moments of heart stopping brilliance, and of seeing people choke on the tension. And all to try and win the big one, the prize that eludes all but the very best....
Yep....the US Open starts today and can a Brit bring home the bacon for the first time since Tony Jacklin? Or will Tiger Woods game rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of a disastrous year top once again conquer all before him. My money is on Vijay Singh, or Ernie Els.
Euro 2004 Comment
Apparently we'll playing the diamond formation with Frank Lampard from my beloved Chelsea playing in a defensive midfield role, in front of the back four. Paul Scholes will sit behind the front two acting as playmaker (sic..surely) . Well done Sven Fuckwit, Frank Lampard has scored 16 goals for Chelsea this season in a flat midfield four, he scored against Iceland when England reverted to a normal 4-4-2, and then against France he scored again. So, play him out of position, ask him to curb his natural instinct to go forward and score, and play Paul Scholes who hasn't scored for 3 years in an England shirt as the forward midfield player. Lets hope I'm eating humble pie later tonight when Sven Fuckwit proves me wrong!
Later, Grocerjack
Well, it's finally here, the day we've all been waiting for. The Big One. We've been here before, we've suffered the pain of watching defeat snatched from the jaws of victory, we've followed the thrills and spills, the incidents, the bad decisions, the inspired genius of top class sportsman at the peak of their capabilities, we've seen their form slump and felt for them as it withered on the vine. The passion, the tension, moments of heart stopping brilliance, and of seeing people choke on the tension. And all to try and win the big one, the prize that eludes all but the very best....
Yep....the US Open starts today and can a Brit bring home the bacon for the first time since Tony Jacklin? Or will Tiger Woods game rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of a disastrous year top once again conquer all before him. My money is on Vijay Singh, or Ernie Els.
Euro 2004 Comment
Apparently we'll playing the diamond formation with Frank Lampard from my beloved Chelsea playing in a defensive midfield role, in front of the back four. Paul Scholes will sit behind the front two acting as playmaker (sic..surely) . Well done Sven Fuckwit, Frank Lampard has scored 16 goals for Chelsea this season in a flat midfield four, he scored against Iceland when England reverted to a normal 4-4-2, and then against France he scored again. So, play him out of position, ask him to curb his natural instinct to go forward and score, and play Paul Scholes who hasn't scored for 3 years in an England shirt as the forward midfield player. Lets hope I'm eating humble pie later tonight when Sven Fuckwit proves me wrong!
Later, Grocerjack
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Little Englanders...or wankers as I like to call them
So, once again the good (sic) name of this country is undermined by a bunch of mindless thick jingoistic morons...and I don't mean our new crop of Tory and UKIP Euro MP's! Nope, Im referring to the fucking idiots parading as England fans and lobbing tables and chairs into bars and at people in Albufeira. I've never been to Portugal, and frankly Albufeira doesn't sound like my sort of place, but many thousands of law abiding Brits (which includes us English) go each year.Undoubtedly some will get pissed and have a ruck before getting nicked, they'd do that here in Nottingham or Southampton City Centres. But this lot seem intent on showing how macho, hard and funny they are and mistakenly believe their defending the honour of England in some sort of team handed bullshit pseudo-war. The Portuguese, as with the rest of Europe seem unfailingly warm and friendly to us but do our "fans" care? Do they bollocks! I am a football fan, I suffer for my love of the game when watching my beloved Chelsea, or my country England, but I don't feel the need to show my superiority by abusing other fans, or other countries, I just suffer and then get on with life.
So, those that are nicked - bang them up until the Tournament is over, freeze any assets they may have, then try them, jail them for say 3 years in Portugal, with remuneration for the costs to Portugal from all of their assets with the shortfall being made up by our Government. So, after 3 years they are deported, no passports re-issued for 20 years and they are also potless. Too hard? Tough shit!
Later, Grocerjack
So, once again the good (sic) name of this country is undermined by a bunch of mindless thick jingoistic morons...and I don't mean our new crop of Tory and UKIP Euro MP's! Nope, Im referring to the fucking idiots parading as England fans and lobbing tables and chairs into bars and at people in Albufeira. I've never been to Portugal, and frankly Albufeira doesn't sound like my sort of place, but many thousands of law abiding Brits (which includes us English) go each year.Undoubtedly some will get pissed and have a ruck before getting nicked, they'd do that here in Nottingham or Southampton City Centres. But this lot seem intent on showing how macho, hard and funny they are and mistakenly believe their defending the honour of England in some sort of team handed bullshit pseudo-war. The Portuguese, as with the rest of Europe seem unfailingly warm and friendly to us but do our "fans" care? Do they bollocks! I am a football fan, I suffer for my love of the game when watching my beloved Chelsea, or my country England, but I don't feel the need to show my superiority by abusing other fans, or other countries, I just suffer and then get on with life.
So, those that are nicked - bang them up until the Tournament is over, freeze any assets they may have, then try them, jail them for say 3 years in Portugal, with remuneration for the costs to Portugal from all of their assets with the shortfall being made up by our Government. So, after 3 years they are deported, no passports re-issued for 20 years and they are also potless. Too hard? Tough shit!
Later, Grocerjack
Another meeting with Mysterious M
Today I had a “scoping” meeting with my boss, the Mysterious M. It was called this so as to not give too much away to the nosy bastards who have no better life than to look at my diary to see what I’m doing that day. I would imagine this amounts to none, but we appear to working in an environment of ever increasing paranoia where information is most definitely power. Anyway, within the next couple of weeks I will be picking up my new team, a small one of 5 people. A title has yet to be determined but “Performance and Change Management” seems likely. Now, 4 months ago I was running a team of 22 people and constantly answering calls and replying to emails or attending meetings. There is little that depresses me more than a day of back to back meetings. Anyway doing that was a bit like being a teacher at an unruly comprehensive, with people constantly asking things, unable to make their own decisions or doing what the hell they wanted and hiding it from you. Despite this they were a good bunch, but this feels like I’m ready to dip back into the world of managing people and to be honest I find myself enjoying my work more and more now the shock of not being battered daily has worn off. I like to think I am a good coach of people and perhaps after my tirade against Sven Fuckwit I can put my own theories to the test once again on how to motivate and mobilise people. After all my initial distrust and cynicism it appears the Mysterious M really does like me and rates my abilities, which is a compliment in anyone’s eyes.
However, watch this space for some more cracking Management Gobbledygook Bollocks Talk very soon.
Euro 2004 Comment
Paul Scholes will be fit after all for tomorrows “crunch” game against the Swiss – bollocks. I stick to my guns here – as a coach you pick the form players, not stay with some misplaced loyalty on players who have not done the business for months. Sven Fuckwit – loyalty can be an admirable trait, but misplaced loyalty will be your downfall. Great game last night between Germany and Holland, with 2 teams showing real dislike for each other matched with mutual respect to give an absorbing, exciting and tense game. Whatever you think about the mechanical nature of the Germans you cannot fail to admire their resilience and mental attitude. The Dutch however seem to mentally all over the shop, but got through the game on their skill and determination not to let the Germans put one ovcer on them. In the end the Dutch Masters went from the beautiful game of passing along the floor, to “hoofing” the ball 70 yards to the big centre forward. Still, whatever lights your candle and gets the job done.
Later, Grocerjack
Today I had a “scoping” meeting with my boss, the Mysterious M. It was called this so as to not give too much away to the nosy bastards who have no better life than to look at my diary to see what I’m doing that day. I would imagine this amounts to none, but we appear to working in an environment of ever increasing paranoia where information is most definitely power. Anyway, within the next couple of weeks I will be picking up my new team, a small one of 5 people. A title has yet to be determined but “Performance and Change Management” seems likely. Now, 4 months ago I was running a team of 22 people and constantly answering calls and replying to emails or attending meetings. There is little that depresses me more than a day of back to back meetings. Anyway doing that was a bit like being a teacher at an unruly comprehensive, with people constantly asking things, unable to make their own decisions or doing what the hell they wanted and hiding it from you. Despite this they were a good bunch, but this feels like I’m ready to dip back into the world of managing people and to be honest I find myself enjoying my work more and more now the shock of not being battered daily has worn off. I like to think I am a good coach of people and perhaps after my tirade against Sven Fuckwit I can put my own theories to the test once again on how to motivate and mobilise people. After all my initial distrust and cynicism it appears the Mysterious M really does like me and rates my abilities, which is a compliment in anyone’s eyes.
However, watch this space for some more cracking Management Gobbledygook Bollocks Talk very soon.
Euro 2004 Comment
Paul Scholes will be fit after all for tomorrows “crunch” game against the Swiss – bollocks. I stick to my guns here – as a coach you pick the form players, not stay with some misplaced loyalty on players who have not done the business for months. Sven Fuckwit – loyalty can be an admirable trait, but misplaced loyalty will be your downfall. Great game last night between Germany and Holland, with 2 teams showing real dislike for each other matched with mutual respect to give an absorbing, exciting and tense game. Whatever you think about the mechanical nature of the Germans you cannot fail to admire their resilience and mental attitude. The Dutch however seem to mentally all over the shop, but got through the game on their skill and determination not to let the Germans put one ovcer on them. In the end the Dutch Masters went from the beautiful game of passing along the floor, to “hoofing” the ball 70 yards to the big centre forward. Still, whatever lights your candle and gets the job done.
Later, Grocerjack
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
This weeks work of Art - Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte by Geoerges Seurat. Its not modern or controversial, but I love this and am looking to buy a recreation in oil of this. A much underrated artist is Mr Seurat. I believe he used "dots" to create the image rather than traditional painterly styles.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Late thoughts.....
Paul Scholes is injured and may not be fit for Thursdays game against the Swiss - fucking excellent news!
UKIP win 17% of the vote for Europe and promise "to undermine the Euro Parliamanet at every opportunity" - can't wait for the merger with the BNP - fucking racist Little Englanders trying to put an acceptable face on it. If leave Europe we'll be virtually bankrupted - do they really think the US will give a shit then, do they really think the US will up our trade quotas and drop restrictions to help us out...yeah right.
Sven Fuckwit says " the 3 substitutes came and and all done very well" - sounds like young Mr Grace - yep Sven Heskey did a fantastic job of kicking a fench player to give a way a free kick to the best dead ball player in the world to let him score etc etc ..ad infinitum
Caroline Dickinsons killer gets 30 years - its too fucking good for him, but even in a French jail, I'll give him less than a year before he tops himself or someone does it for him
I have an infected toe, and by Christ its painful, todays golf at Croxy's was bloody sore! My sore throat appears to sinus related, apparently the contents seep onto my throat through the night and cause it to dry up - yeah lovely. So to add to my Hayfever tablets, Asthma inhaler (reactive), asthma inhaler (preventative) I will now have a nasal spray and anti-biotics for 2 weeks. I may need a handbag to carry this lot around in - anyone know where I can get a cheap Burbery?
Later, Grocerjack
Paul Scholes is injured and may not be fit for Thursdays game against the Swiss - fucking excellent news!
UKIP win 17% of the vote for Europe and promise "to undermine the Euro Parliamanet at every opportunity" - can't wait for the merger with the BNP - fucking racist Little Englanders trying to put an acceptable face on it. If leave Europe we'll be virtually bankrupted - do they really think the US will give a shit then, do they really think the US will up our trade quotas and drop restrictions to help us out...yeah right.
Sven Fuckwit says " the 3 substitutes came and and all done very well" - sounds like young Mr Grace - yep Sven Heskey did a fantastic job of kicking a fench player to give a way a free kick to the best dead ball player in the world to let him score etc etc ..ad infinitum
Caroline Dickinsons killer gets 30 years - its too fucking good for him, but even in a French jail, I'll give him less than a year before he tops himself or someone does it for him
I have an infected toe, and by Christ its painful, todays golf at Croxy's was bloody sore! My sore throat appears to sinus related, apparently the contents seep onto my throat through the night and cause it to dry up - yeah lovely. So to add to my Hayfever tablets, Asthma inhaler (reactive), asthma inhaler (preventative) I will now have a nasal spray and anti-biotics for 2 weeks. I may need a handbag to carry this lot around in - anyone know where I can get a cheap Burbery?
Later, Grocerjack
Vive Le France!
Oh dear, my adopted future homeland (France) gave my current one a bit of a hiding last night. I had tried to veer away from footie in the last few weeks as the season had taken its toll on me and I was a bit shagged out. But last night was too much to bear. For the neutrals and the non-footie fans it must have been compelling theatre as wave after wave of French attack pummelled the England defence. I sat and watched with some mates and we all thought the second half performance, whilst brave and stoic, was also cheating the fans. Why do we feel the best policy is defending at all costs? We are as good as these teams but we get a goal up (well done SuperFrank) and against these so called better teams (Portugal 2000, Argentina 2002, Brazil 2002 and France 2004) we just seem to capitulate. You cannot in any game , be it Rugby, Cricket or whatever show these teams too much respect because they’ll see the fear and then hammer you. Perhaps its our daft sense of fair play but my feeling is its more to do with a lack of belief.
The problem then comes down to one man – Fuckwit II, the return of the Fuckwit clan. Yep, Fuckwit Ranierii has gone, but we still have some around and Sven is a fully paid up member of the Fuckwit Clan. Unlike the rest of the nation, including the sycophantic press and broadcast media I think Sven is a twat. Sorry, don’t mean to offend…a fucking twat! How he had the sheer bollocks to come out smiling after that game and say we played well and didn’t deserve to lose is beyond me. We allowed ourselves to be hammered for 45 minutes, we came out and started like a team that knew it couldn’t hold on to the slender lead. What I want is a coach who can inspire and motivate the players, and make them believe they’re all fucking Pele or Maradona (the drug free one!), and Sven is too cool, too dispassionate and too calm for me. I want passion, I want tears, I want tea cups thrown at half time, I want the players to get the “hair dryer” treatment, or get a cuddle or whatever it takes to life THEM mentally.
I want Mike Bassett England manager (as portrayed by the ever excellent Ricky Tomlinson). Failing that bring back the wideboy cockney barra boy geezer that is El Tel Venables. There is no way he would have allowed the team to cave in against the French, who were undoubtedly good, but not unbeatable. They won because they never stopped believing, even after getting a late equaliser My belief is that at that level, whatever the sport, the technical difference in capability and skill is minimal, but what counts…what makes winners is in the mind. Its mental attitude and we lacked a lot of that last night. A quote that I really like that I use to try and help me perform better is this
“Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, you’re probably right” (Henry Ford..a long time ago)
Later, Grocerjack
Oh dear, my adopted future homeland (France) gave my current one a bit of a hiding last night. I had tried to veer away from footie in the last few weeks as the season had taken its toll on me and I was a bit shagged out. But last night was too much to bear. For the neutrals and the non-footie fans it must have been compelling theatre as wave after wave of French attack pummelled the England defence. I sat and watched with some mates and we all thought the second half performance, whilst brave and stoic, was also cheating the fans. Why do we feel the best policy is defending at all costs? We are as good as these teams but we get a goal up (well done SuperFrank) and against these so called better teams (Portugal 2000, Argentina 2002, Brazil 2002 and France 2004) we just seem to capitulate. You cannot in any game , be it Rugby, Cricket or whatever show these teams too much respect because they’ll see the fear and then hammer you. Perhaps its our daft sense of fair play but my feeling is its more to do with a lack of belief.
The problem then comes down to one man – Fuckwit II, the return of the Fuckwit clan. Yep, Fuckwit Ranierii has gone, but we still have some around and Sven is a fully paid up member of the Fuckwit Clan. Unlike the rest of the nation, including the sycophantic press and broadcast media I think Sven is a twat. Sorry, don’t mean to offend…a fucking twat! How he had the sheer bollocks to come out smiling after that game and say we played well and didn’t deserve to lose is beyond me. We allowed ourselves to be hammered for 45 minutes, we came out and started like a team that knew it couldn’t hold on to the slender lead. What I want is a coach who can inspire and motivate the players, and make them believe they’re all fucking Pele or Maradona (the drug free one!), and Sven is too cool, too dispassionate and too calm for me. I want passion, I want tears, I want tea cups thrown at half time, I want the players to get the “hair dryer” treatment, or get a cuddle or whatever it takes to life THEM mentally.
I want Mike Bassett England manager (as portrayed by the ever excellent Ricky Tomlinson). Failing that bring back the wideboy cockney barra boy geezer that is El Tel Venables. There is no way he would have allowed the team to cave in against the French, who were undoubtedly good, but not unbeatable. They won because they never stopped believing, even after getting a late equaliser My belief is that at that level, whatever the sport, the technical difference in capability and skill is minimal, but what counts…what makes winners is in the mind. Its mental attitude and we lacked a lot of that last night. A quote that I really like that I use to try and help me perform better is this
“Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, you’re probably right” (Henry Ford..a long time ago)
Later, Grocerjack
Friday, June 11, 2004
I'm off to the pub....
You know how quite things were the other week when GMD, Teenager and Baby were on Sunny Tropical Island for a week. Well last weekend was a return to normalish chaos, but tonight has exploded into anarchy. GMD and The Kings Wife were chatting in our kitchen this afternoon, hence the obligatory wine bottle was opened. Only I think it ws more than a bottle. I was called four times on the way home with varying instructions on what to pick up (unfortunately, young, gorgeous,latin bird wasn't amongst them). I duly did this but instantly new that things were a bit socially relaxed by the tone of GMD's voice. No problem, she works hard and she deserves a little bit of quality time to relax. When I got home, to my horror I had forgotten the Virgin Vie party. For the uninitiated this is a piss up where they try and buy make up - a sort of Avon for the 21st Century. But...not only is my house full of laughing, slightly drunk women...but their kids are all here as well...upstairs in the kids romms. There are around 12 of them NOT including Teenager and Baby. In Room 1 (Baby's) we have the under 10's (incl) playing Busted as loud as posible, with Friends on the TV in the background - all girls. In Room 2 we have the over 11's, giggling and sqealing, playing Emin-fucking-em, 50-fucking-Cent and associated other bollocks to the dulcet background of mobiles receiving texts and photos....from each other - again all girls! Room 3 (the lounge) is now full of cackling,laughing, drinking women. I am the only testosterone carrier in the near vicinity.
Overall my house is now a candidate from Room 101.
I need some Guinness and quick.......have a good weekend....
Later, Grocerjack
You know how quite things were the other week when GMD, Teenager and Baby were on Sunny Tropical Island for a week. Well last weekend was a return to normalish chaos, but tonight has exploded into anarchy. GMD and The Kings Wife were chatting in our kitchen this afternoon, hence the obligatory wine bottle was opened. Only I think it ws more than a bottle. I was called four times on the way home with varying instructions on what to pick up (unfortunately, young, gorgeous,latin bird wasn't amongst them). I duly did this but instantly new that things were a bit socially relaxed by the tone of GMD's voice. No problem, she works hard and she deserves a little bit of quality time to relax. When I got home, to my horror I had forgotten the Virgin Vie party. For the uninitiated this is a piss up where they try and buy make up - a sort of Avon for the 21st Century. But...not only is my house full of laughing, slightly drunk women...but their kids are all here as well...upstairs in the kids romms. There are around 12 of them NOT including Teenager and Baby. In Room 1 (Baby's) we have the under 10's (incl) playing Busted as loud as posible, with Friends on the TV in the background - all girls. In Room 2 we have the over 11's, giggling and sqealing, playing Emin-fucking-em, 50-fucking-Cent and associated other bollocks to the dulcet background of mobiles receiving texts and photos....from each other - again all girls! Room 3 (the lounge) is now full of cackling,laughing, drinking women. I am the only testosterone carrier in the near vicinity.
Overall my house is now a candidate from Room 101.
I need some Guinness and quick.......have a good weekend....
Later, Grocerjack
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Call that choice?
Popped into the voting booth tonight. What a choice, vote for New Nanny labour - nope, they need a rocket up their arse. Vote for "Howards Way - We don't quite know what to think of Europe" Tories - I'd rather eat a freshly laid dog turd. UKIP - racism dressed as patriotism - if this lot ever get in I'm off to live in the United Sates of Europe, with lower interest rates, better life style, more sun etc etc. Nah, I like a single malt and so does Charlie Kennedy apparently, plus he seems a decent bloke, so the Lib Dems got my local and Europe vote. Not much of a choice, but I still hold with the view that a crap choice is better than none, and my guess is most others, especially those who have lived under dictatorships would agree.
Assignement news - I have managed to write 1456 words so far! Only about 500 to go to be in or around the required 2000 word mark. Sometimes I amaze myself.
Fancy being outraged? Read this Telegraph article and tell me this isn't the sign of a society gone fucking mad. If I was this bloke I would sue the police. As far as I can see he was merely carrying out the same effect as a speed camera. How the fuck can the police and magistrates call this an offence? The offence is that this sort of utterly fucked up collage of bollocks is completely allowed in the so called great country of ours. If this doesn't convince you of the fact that speeding arrests are a revenue raising exercise then nothing will. As Littlejohn might say (fat wanker though he is)..you couldn't make it up.
Later, Grocerjack
Popped into the voting booth tonight. What a choice, vote for New Nanny labour - nope, they need a rocket up their arse. Vote for "Howards Way - We don't quite know what to think of Europe" Tories - I'd rather eat a freshly laid dog turd. UKIP - racism dressed as patriotism - if this lot ever get in I'm off to live in the United Sates of Europe, with lower interest rates, better life style, more sun etc etc. Nah, I like a single malt and so does Charlie Kennedy apparently, plus he seems a decent bloke, so the Lib Dems got my local and Europe vote. Not much of a choice, but I still hold with the view that a crap choice is better than none, and my guess is most others, especially those who have lived under dictatorships would agree.
Assignement news - I have managed to write 1456 words so far! Only about 500 to go to be in or around the required 2000 word mark. Sometimes I amaze myself.
Fancy being outraged? Read this Telegraph article and tell me this isn't the sign of a society gone fucking mad. If I was this bloke I would sue the police. As far as I can see he was merely carrying out the same effect as a speed camera. How the fuck can the police and magistrates call this an offence? The offence is that this sort of utterly fucked up collage of bollocks is completely allowed in the so called great country of ours. If this doesn't convince you of the fact that speeding arrests are a revenue raising exercise then nothing will. As Littlejohn might say (fat wanker though he is)..you couldn't make it up.
Later, Grocerjack
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
The End of the course...
Hmmm, having just read Crox's page I would like to assure everyone that my life is not all holidays and courses! I'm afraid this one and the one in July are necessary evils if I want to stay employed for a while longer, or be more employable should the ever present company issue Sword of Damocles hit the target.
The kids have finally gone home now. Maybe they all need some sleep after the stresses of the last 3 days (sic). One actually paid me a compliment of sorts today along the lines of "I was so glad we had someone here who deals with this stuff, it has made it much clearer". Thats either nice , or patronising an oldie! Anyway, I expect they're all out clubbing, drinking alcopops, snorting Coke or dropping E's as an end of course steam letting session.
Strangely I got to like some of them in a paternal sort of way.
Baby had a summer concert last night at her school, which lost me 2 valuable hours of study. But she is a great little singer and really puts emotion into it. It made the heart strings go just watching her and seeing her smile back at me. The concert finished off with her music teachers Irish Folk band coming and doing a few numbers. Great fun, but it would be significantly enhanced if Guinness had been avaiable. In fact a bar would have upped the proportion of parents willing to join in the songs. Thanks to my Irish parentage I did know most of the songs. When we got outside baby had a nosebleed which lasted for nearly an hour. She got very upset and shaky as this is the worst she's had.She has inherited my hayfever and I put it down to that tempered with her excitement at doing the concert. As you may be able to tell, I would wrap her in cotton wool if I could! Teenager is still stroppy, with an alarming increase in "blonde moments". She is very close to me limiting her internet MSN times, and limiting her mobile usage. She does think she is an adult, but then when she was ill the other day (now a monthly occurence), one can see the confusion between the child and near adult and then I do really feel for her. Its awkward for boys, but for girls it must seem like torture at times.
This week is now dedicated to my next assignment due on Saturday
Assess the following conditional claim: “If the Standard Social Science Model is mistaken, then we are less altruistic than would otherwise be the case”
God help me (although if Darwin is to be believed, he can't, because he doesn't exist!)
Later, Grocerjack
Hmmm, having just read Crox's page I would like to assure everyone that my life is not all holidays and courses! I'm afraid this one and the one in July are necessary evils if I want to stay employed for a while longer, or be more employable should the ever present company issue Sword of Damocles hit the target.
The kids have finally gone home now. Maybe they all need some sleep after the stresses of the last 3 days (sic). One actually paid me a compliment of sorts today along the lines of "I was so glad we had someone here who deals with this stuff, it has made it much clearer". Thats either nice , or patronising an oldie! Anyway, I expect they're all out clubbing, drinking alcopops, snorting Coke or dropping E's as an end of course steam letting session.
Strangely I got to like some of them in a paternal sort of way.
Baby had a summer concert last night at her school, which lost me 2 valuable hours of study. But she is a great little singer and really puts emotion into it. It made the heart strings go just watching her and seeing her smile back at me. The concert finished off with her music teachers Irish Folk band coming and doing a few numbers. Great fun, but it would be significantly enhanced if Guinness had been avaiable. In fact a bar would have upped the proportion of parents willing to join in the songs. Thanks to my Irish parentage I did know most of the songs. When we got outside baby had a nosebleed which lasted for nearly an hour. She got very upset and shaky as this is the worst she's had.She has inherited my hayfever and I put it down to that tempered with her excitement at doing the concert. As you may be able to tell, I would wrap her in cotton wool if I could! Teenager is still stroppy, with an alarming increase in "blonde moments". She is very close to me limiting her internet MSN times, and limiting her mobile usage. She does think she is an adult, but then when she was ill the other day (now a monthly occurence), one can see the confusion between the child and near adult and then I do really feel for her. Its awkward for boys, but for girls it must seem like torture at times.
This week is now dedicated to my next assignment due on Saturday
Assess the following conditional claim: “If the Standard Social Science Model is mistaken, then we are less altruistic than would otherwise be the case”
God help me (although if Darwin is to be believed, he can't, because he doesn't exist!)
Later, Grocerjack
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
This weeks work of Art (an occasional addition to the blog) - I and The Village by Marc Chagall (1887-1985), painted in 1911,oil on canvas. What hits me is the colour and "wholeness" of the picture. Like he has captured the whole village in one non-conformist cubist rectangle. This is held at The Museum of Modern Art in New York - I will see this one day. Chagall is renowned for his distinctive use of color and form, which is derived partly from Russian expressionism and was allegedly influenced decisively by French cubism.
A sea of gormless faces
Oh dear, I hear the sounds of bubbles being burst as the "kids" in my Kindergarten class suddenly realise what a dull old piece of shit Project Management is. I think they saw a glamourous role, one of motivating people, picking teams, driving the project, being the hub of all the activities, making decisions, controlling budgets, analysing risk...which is what it should be, but within The Company it is no more than a glorified admin/secretary role. It is a role of no power, no influence, with no glamour or credit. Project Managers are universally hated because they do not actually manage projects. They annoy and harass people, they use the words "I'll escalate..." near enough every hour, they drop the CEO's name in at every opportunity to try and scare people into prioritising their project...yeah like he gives a shit that X can connect to Y to provide a test platform!. They cannot or will not report bad things to the Project Board.The team I had hated them to a man/woman. I have personally saved too many Project Managers necks whilst risking my own.
So why am I doing the course? Job preservation.....if I get the (almost universally accepted) accreditation then if and when the axe falls its a ready made job in any other organisation...yep its dull, but it'll keep the wolves from the door until I decide what the full future career is for me. I may not fit The Company's view of what a Project manager should be (because I am argumentative, not pushed around, speak my mind, think as an individual and am not a yes man) but I'll bullshit,lie and grovel to get a job in another company in order to keep earning enough money to keep Jack's lifestyle roughly where it is now. And I've worked with enough shit Project Managers to know exactly how to be a fucking good one!
And yes, that probably does make me a hyprocritical, underhand , conniving, cheating and lying bastard....but I'll just put that down to male genetic programming (thanks Charlie Darwin)
Just one more day with the blank tableau minds and gormless faces that are the kids on the course and then back to my normal life.
Later , Grocerjack
Oh dear, I hear the sounds of bubbles being burst as the "kids" in my Kindergarten class suddenly realise what a dull old piece of shit Project Management is. I think they saw a glamourous role, one of motivating people, picking teams, driving the project, being the hub of all the activities, making decisions, controlling budgets, analysing risk...which is what it should be, but within The Company it is no more than a glorified admin/secretary role. It is a role of no power, no influence, with no glamour or credit. Project Managers are universally hated because they do not actually manage projects. They annoy and harass people, they use the words "I'll escalate..." near enough every hour, they drop the CEO's name in at every opportunity to try and scare people into prioritising their project...yeah like he gives a shit that X can connect to Y to provide a test platform!. They cannot or will not report bad things to the Project Board.The team I had hated them to a man/woman. I have personally saved too many Project Managers necks whilst risking my own.
So why am I doing the course? Job preservation.....if I get the (almost universally accepted) accreditation then if and when the axe falls its a ready made job in any other organisation...yep its dull, but it'll keep the wolves from the door until I decide what the full future career is for me. I may not fit The Company's view of what a Project manager should be (because I am argumentative, not pushed around, speak my mind, think as an individual and am not a yes man) but I'll bullshit,lie and grovel to get a job in another company in order to keep earning enough money to keep Jack's lifestyle roughly where it is now. And I've worked with enough shit Project Managers to know exactly how to be a fucking good one!
And yes, that probably does make me a hyprocritical, underhand , conniving, cheating and lying bastard....but I'll just put that down to male genetic programming (thanks Charlie Darwin)
Just one more day with the blank tableau minds and gormless faces that are the kids on the course and then back to my normal life.
Later , Grocerjack
Monday, June 07, 2004
How to feel old……
Step 1:
Book yourself onto a Project Management Foundations course
Step 2:
Walk into the room where the course is being held
Step 3:
Find familiar face and sit next to them. Chat for 5 minutes until he realises he is in the wrong room. Swear internally.
Step 4:
Gaze around room; allow heart to sink as everyone else is so obviously young. Note the number of people with weird piercing’s in eyebrows, upper ear lobes, bottom lip. Note vacant expressions on their faces
Step 5:
Look to instructor, again let heart sink as you realise it’s a Salman Rushdie clone. But he’s at least 50
Step 6:
Die a little more as the introductions are done, including age!
Step 7:
Be mortified as you hear this (abridged to cut the usual crap and names changed to protect the thick)
Screamer : Hi , I’m Screamer and I’m 26 (upper ear lobe pierced…twice)
Y viva Espana: Hi, I’m Y Viva Espana, and I am 24 (very deep Spanish accent, but gorgeous young bird- forgiven)
Ignoramous: Hi. I’m Ignoramous, and I am 30. I was sent here for development (like it’s a fucking stretch in choky)
Timid: Hi, I’m Timid (speak up you wuss) and I’m 26 (unless you get more assertive you’ll probably die of fright next time a Daddy Longlegs flies in the room)
Punk : Hi, I’m Punk and I’m Twenty fucking Two (Ok, I added the fucking bit there, but it’s pissing me off - eyebrow and lip pierced, possibly brain stem as well)
And so on, 6 more times, with ages ranging from 23 to 27
Jack (thinks) : Please let me fucking die now, no personalities, no brains, all think their great, all are going to be so sadly let down as they grow older….cynical…moi?
Jack (says) : Hi, I’m Jack and I’m 42………
Jack (thinks) : Why are they smiling? Couldn’t at least one of them shake their head in disbelief?
Salman : Ok, I’m Salman and I’m 43 ……..
Jack (thinks): fuck me I can’t look that bad….why is he looking at me? Oh god he thinks we’re “age buddies”…how shit is your luck?
I have another 2 days of this torture. No word of a lie, it’s like being at Kindergarten. If anyone ever says age makes no difference……..THEY ARE EITHER DELUDED, STUPID, BARKING or SAD, possibly all four, but they are also VERY, VERY WRONG
Later, Grocerjack
Step 1:
Book yourself onto a Project Management Foundations course
Step 2:
Walk into the room where the course is being held
Step 3:
Find familiar face and sit next to them. Chat for 5 minutes until he realises he is in the wrong room. Swear internally.
Step 4:
Gaze around room; allow heart to sink as everyone else is so obviously young. Note the number of people with weird piercing’s in eyebrows, upper ear lobes, bottom lip. Note vacant expressions on their faces
Step 5:
Look to instructor, again let heart sink as you realise it’s a Salman Rushdie clone. But he’s at least 50
Step 6:
Die a little more as the introductions are done, including age!
Step 7:
Be mortified as you hear this (abridged to cut the usual crap and names changed to protect the thick)
Screamer : Hi , I’m Screamer and I’m 26 (upper ear lobe pierced…twice)
Y viva Espana: Hi, I’m Y Viva Espana, and I am 24 (very deep Spanish accent, but gorgeous young bird- forgiven)
Ignoramous: Hi. I’m Ignoramous, and I am 30. I was sent here for development (like it’s a fucking stretch in choky)
Timid: Hi, I’m Timid (speak up you wuss) and I’m 26 (unless you get more assertive you’ll probably die of fright next time a Daddy Longlegs flies in the room)
Punk : Hi, I’m Punk and I’m Twenty fucking Two (Ok, I added the fucking bit there, but it’s pissing me off - eyebrow and lip pierced, possibly brain stem as well)
And so on, 6 more times, with ages ranging from 23 to 27
Jack (thinks) : Please let me fucking die now, no personalities, no brains, all think their great, all are going to be so sadly let down as they grow older….cynical…moi?
Jack (says) : Hi, I’m Jack and I’m 42………
Jack (thinks) : Why are they smiling? Couldn’t at least one of them shake their head in disbelief?
Salman : Ok, I’m Salman and I’m 43 ……..
Jack (thinks): fuck me I can’t look that bad….why is he looking at me? Oh god he thinks we’re “age buddies”…how shit is your luck?
I have another 2 days of this torture. No word of a lie, it’s like being at Kindergarten. If anyone ever says age makes no difference……..THEY ARE EITHER DELUDED, STUPID, BARKING or SAD, possibly all four, but they are also VERY, VERY WRONG
Later, Grocerjack
Friday, June 04, 2004
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Its ...Oh so quiet....
Yep, its been a good week, batteries are fully recharged. The house has been deadly quiet, I've kept it tidy and my studies are almost back on schedule (with a few skipped corners.....natch). Things is when it's like this my whole demeanour just settles down and so I have not posted. Although this may be partly due to the copious amounts of Guinness drunk each night!! My golf has also improved from Spain, with a course ripping 92 (well ripping for me - a net 4 under par after the handicap)at The Meon Valley Country Club (or The Marriott as it really is) and a 95 on my home course which is even par. Encouraging, and maybe to do with the fact I have been so relaxed this week. Of course normal chaos returns tomorrow and this weekend we have been invited to barbecues on both days.
A quick thought though........wouldn't it be great if we all stopped buying petrol and diesel for a few days and refused to travel to work on the basis that we couldn't afford it. I'm totally in favour of civil disobedience over this kind of thing. The French have done it for years because they still have balls whilst we lie on our backs and let the government and the big corporations shaft us. And don't even get me on the Nannying over obesity. Yep, we'll eat organic, healthy food when it's as cheap to buy and easy to get hold of as crap fast food. At the moment that choice is limited, we have less hours in the day to ourselves, no local stores any more, so daily shopping for fresh stuff doesn't appear viable. Again, go to France, where food is taken seriously - most supermarkets have 1 aisle for frozen food, all the rest is fresh. They shop each day because they have shops with fresh and cheap food, and they don't work 14 hour days because it is seen as something honourable, it is part of their culture, they take eating seriously, and they make it a family occasion. When was the last time most of us sat down and ate as a family?
Later, Grocerjack
Yep, its been a good week, batteries are fully recharged. The house has been deadly quiet, I've kept it tidy and my studies are almost back on schedule (with a few skipped corners.....natch). Things is when it's like this my whole demeanour just settles down and so I have not posted. Although this may be partly due to the copious amounts of Guinness drunk each night!! My golf has also improved from Spain, with a course ripping 92 (well ripping for me - a net 4 under par after the handicap)at The Meon Valley Country Club (or The Marriott as it really is) and a 95 on my home course which is even par. Encouraging, and maybe to do with the fact I have been so relaxed this week. Of course normal chaos returns tomorrow and this weekend we have been invited to barbecues on both days.
A quick thought though........wouldn't it be great if we all stopped buying petrol and diesel for a few days and refused to travel to work on the basis that we couldn't afford it. I'm totally in favour of civil disobedience over this kind of thing. The French have done it for years because they still have balls whilst we lie on our backs and let the government and the big corporations shaft us. And don't even get me on the Nannying over obesity. Yep, we'll eat organic, healthy food when it's as cheap to buy and easy to get hold of as crap fast food. At the moment that choice is limited, we have less hours in the day to ourselves, no local stores any more, so daily shopping for fresh stuff doesn't appear viable. Again, go to France, where food is taken seriously - most supermarkets have 1 aisle for frozen food, all the rest is fresh. They shop each day because they have shops with fresh and cheap food, and they don't work 14 hour days because it is seen as something honourable, it is part of their culture, they take eating seriously, and they make it a family occasion. When was the last time most of us sat down and ate as a family?
Later, Grocerjack
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