I hope this is true!

Top this for a speeding ticket. This took place about 70 km North of Leeds in UK .

Two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road . One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had

in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea .

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed."

Things going on......

1.) I've discovered the League of Gentlemen...typically a couple of years after it's stopped being made. How the fuck did i miss this absolute comedy gem? A veritable cornucopia of bizarre and disturbing comedy characters set in a village that can only be described as 'decidedly odd and not a little scary'.

Much like the one I live in...examples to follow!

As pictured the the iconic Papa Lazarou is quite simply one of the most disturbing characters I've ever seen on any TV show let alone such a multi-layered and intellectually challenging black comedy like this. And as for Tubbs and Edward......

2.) It's the 18th March apparently. That's the new D-Day for us at The Company. A day when we find out whether we have jobs going forward or are out on our ear. Invites to see Mr Blonde on Monday will not be good news. Squeaky bum time as a famous football manager likes to say.

3.) Open University studies. Yep, that'd be me who'd forgotten just how time consuming these can be. Muppet. Still, just this year and an exam pass and dopey old me will be a BA! And they say academic standards have dropped?

4.) Ricky Gervais. I downloaded 'Fame' his latest stand up show and laughed like a fucking drain. Totally un-pc, totally funny. Very clever. Bought the real thing plus his other two in a box set because it's guaranteed to make me laugh no matter how I feel. A clip from Animals, his first ever stand up show...bearing in mind he'd never toured or done stand up before. Very subtle, but very funny.

5.) Ditto Steve Coogans, comedy classic, Alan Partridge. Comedy Gold over both series. Example...check this link out first...and then this!

6.) Gout in the elbow? Why me? No, it's not fucking funny and yes, it is fucking painful.

7.) I love my Cuban Cigars. They're my real treat on a Friday now. Smoking bad for you? yeah...but one of these a week and my eyes are opened to the real difference between smoking chemical filled fags, and these beauties.

8.) Chelsea - my beloved Blues are creating turmoil in my life mainly due to the sacking of the greatest coach we've ever had, Jose Mourinho and replacing him with the litle know, inexperienced interloper, Avram Grant. read more here at my favourite, most intelligent football blog site.

Later, GJ

How very true!

Subject: Passport Application


Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

Mansions to Palaces

Time to move

More corporate silliness abound at The Company as we now move under the command of our new boss. I liked the Belgian Billyboy, he was brusque but despite being from Belgian he had a sense of irony and understood cynicism and sarcasm, which are generally very British traits.

But now I have a new threat manager. Don’t get this wrong I still report to The Master, but now instead of BillyBoy, we have Mr Blonde.

I'm sure the fact that his wife works in HR has had no bearing or gave any interview advantage when he applied for the role as Big Boss Of The Business and Customer Stroking Department.

Why Mr Blonde? Well, film aficionados will know Mr Blonde as the smiling, vindictive, sadistic assassin in the introductory masterpiece of Hollywood’s “enfant terrible” Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs (well he was the "enfant terrible" when it was released!) . Watch the film to understand Mr Blonde’s persona.

Especially the torture scene.

Well, Mr Blonde came in just before Christmas all smiling and saying the usual things about how much he was looking forward to working with us…blah, blah, blah…you know the spiel by now. On that day he even declared himself a Chelsea fan…….”Born and bred in SW6” to quote him. Blimey, I thought…things are looking up. But I should have known better.

The reality is somewhat different and since then he has almost been invisible to us all, bar one "team briefing" which announced nothing, amnd a spot at a recent "leadership update" session. All this talk of Leaders makes me wonder if I'm living in North Korea...perhaps the Beach Babe should now be called Dear Leader....yeah..I like that. Anyway, presumably Mr Blonde had hidden away as he strives to build his new organization under the current “transformation” of the business.

Something doesn’t ring right here for me. A man who doesn't communicate with anyone can't be a good thing. Something tells me we’ve just witnessed the arrival of the psychopathic assassin who is making jokes with you one minute and then gunning you down in cold blood the next.

Watch this space for more information on whether I dodge the bullet or not.

Anyway this weekend saw the first move from Mr Blonde as we all moved to the Corporate HQ Palace from our previous home in Technology Mansions, located in a stereotypically bland Business Park on the outskirts of town. Technology Mansions was a bit more rough and ready and much less salubrious than Corporate Palace. Plus, having worked there for around 90% of my tenure with The Company it’s fair to say there weren’t many I didn’t know. Oh, how different it is at Corporate Palace. And these differences are……?

The food is worse and more expensive

The coffee is dearer and the "large" is smaller than the "large" back at the Mansions

People smile less...in fact hardly at all

Power dressing is everywhere and everything (that’s me fucked then)

It’s a posy-yuppie paradise full of testosterone filled knobs or vacuous mangirls giving mental corporate blow-jobs to the people in power, keeping their assassins knives ready for the day they can dispose of their rivals and predecessors.

Car parking is utter carnage after 8:30 in the morning.

There is a lot of ….ahem…….talent....

The toilets are unisex…we think…who knows?

In fact it seems a typical soulless campus full of wannabee corporate cock suckers desperately trying to vie for a place on the greasy pole of success. Sad bastards.

I'm gonna hate it.

Later, GrocerJack

What runs the world?

It's not my job I hate, it's just some of the complete fuckwits that work there. I love my team, I truly do. It's taken them time to get used to my style, but we get the job done, never let anyone down and always deliver on expectations. The added bonus is we do it with good grace and good humour.

Of course we now have to live in this fucked up age whereby everything is measured. Everything is or has a KPI (Key Performance Indicator) or worse still, as some fuckwits call them Key KPI's and yes...you're right that'd be Key Key Performance Indicators then. I wonder what the upper limit is on Keys for KPI's?

Anyway I digress...my life is run by KPI's. My team operate to KPI's, we're measured on KPI's, we collate data and publish KPI's , we measure KPI's we amend KPI's, challenge KPI's, produce trends of KPI's and basically kneel at the feet of the Great God Kay-Pee-Aye. Wherever we look in the news, we're bombarded with information and data based on KPI's, KPI's from the government, KPI's from QUANGO's, KPI's from the NHS and about the NHS, KPI's about Schools and for all I know there's even KPI's for those who work in MacDonalds.

Today, a report my team publishes was released. Every month we take the data, feed it into complex programs or Excel and produce results which show how our Operations bit of High Tech Pipes, Tubes, Strings and Rays are performing. We measure the KPI's on Finance, Processes, Customer Value and interestingly enough, Growth and Development...see posts passim for my views on "Development". Anyway, the report shows all this stuff for January, which was a huge pile of fresh dog turd in terms of systems failures. We had tons of Very Bad Things (VBT's) happens...around 15 during the month as opposed to the average of around 2 or 3. We also had
a high number of Pretty Bad Things (PBT's) happen as well, which aren't as bad as VBT's but still need to be on peoples "radars". Fuck me, how I'd love to superglue some radars on peoples heads for real! I'd also love to give them a ball each and see how long they can walk around with it until they drop it.

Anyway, despite this piss poor performance, in turns caused by a heady mixture of shitty "asset sweated" equipment, underfunded software failing and, of course, the inevitable "foot, gun, aim, shoot" Jesse James Engineer culture of changing things whilst wearing a stetson, boots with spurs and shouting "Yee Hah", the KPI's came out as Green. Yep, Green. Just like grass. Vert as the French would say. This is because we use a RAG status system to depict how KPI's look. Red is BAD, Amber is BAD, Green is Good. Of course BillyBoy , the Head of Operations isn't happy about this as January was such a pile of puke he's been arse kicked from pillar to post by that mysterious community known as "the business" and so he doesn't want to go to them saying how well we've done..and how things are Green, ergo things are Good.

Whilst I understand this, the fact remains...he agreed and in some cases help design the KPI's and the measurements that make them! So, like all Senior Managers, he's happy to take credit when things are Green and Good, and happy to accept the results from his agreed measurements, but when they're Red and Bad...well...you've guessed it...the measurements are wrong, and the messenger (me and my team) have obviously fucked up...Shoot the Messenger!
His email suggested exactly this, so for once I remained calm (ish) and decided to hold my reply. Despite the fact that The Master, my boss is now involved and is doing his best impression of a sandal wearing social worker in "trying to understand" the issues, I've decided to reply to Billyboy stating exactly that...

He made the rules
We merely abide by them
The way we calculate has not changed for months
He was always happy before
If he wants stuff changed he goes through the proper Governance process
He's paid a fucking barrow load of money, so he should go to the business, put some exercise books down his trousers, tell them January was shit, explain why our KPI's show Green, and then come back and work with us to find an appropriate measurement.

I may have worded the last point more ...ahem...diplomatically.

I might also suggest we do away with "facts and figures" and publish on "instinct, gut feel and perception" with added "tell them what they want to hear" as well

Later, Grocerjack.

The First Draft....

.....of my Liberation (tm) Policy/Manifesto document is now on-line....just click here!!!!!

Later, Grocerjack

The End

"Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?"

So wrote Roger Waters on "Vera" his paean to Vera Lynn from The Wall. What's the relevance I hear you ask? What is this post about?

Well, it's about the end of the world. So, nothing trivial then?

I guess that today is one of those days, after one of those weeks, after one of those months, after one of those years where you finally sit down and think "What the fuck is going on?" . It just seems to be one huge tidal wave of bad news doesn't it? Open any paper, tune in to any radio station or watch any TV news bulletin and it's a conveyor belt of nothing but turgid, depressing doom and gloom. Go, tell me when was the last time a news item made you smile? When was the last time you really sat down and heard something, or read something that made your heart sing, made you want to fly, to laugh and shout with joy.

Thought so. It's been a fucking long time hasn't it?

You see good news doesn't sell, it doesn't grip people. Even the most irritating optimists and "glass half full" people mask their own morbid fascination with doom and gloom from around the world. To escape this you'd have to be 5 years old again, when everything was innocent and life was about play and learning, toys and sweets, friendship and important subjects like how old was this new friend you've just met and will Mum do chips tonight as a treat?

I looked around today and what did I see?

Share prices falling because some spineless rich cunts in the City couldn't give a shit and can't stand up to their clients. Why should they give a fuck if their annual bonus drops from £3million to £2 million? Stripey shirted cunts, the lot of them.

House prices dropping because the Bank of England put the rates up in order to "cool" the market, but now listen to the bankers (sic) whinge when what they asked for happens.

Flood warnings across the country, no doubt all due to me driving my car to work and heating my water for a shower.

Retail stores reporting sales drops because...well fuck me sideways.....quelle suprise.....the interest rates went up and people decided a roof over their head was more important than a present filled Christmas.

A looming banking crisis because another bunch of stripey shirted cunts didn't understand the meaning of the word "risk" when they were dishing out money. Apparently it never occurred to them to look at what the US banks were doing in risky markets before lending them money or borrowing it.

Political correctness increasing it's stranglehold on our society.

Out of control mindless and meaningless crimes reaping havoc on our streets and causing us to live in fear.

So called celebrities and "talent" pissing, coking, drugging their way to oblivion but not short of a bob or two. I know they've always done it, but at least our generations had the decency to do it off camera. Amy Winehouse is a stupid fucking emaciated gormless bitch. fuck her, and fuck Pete Doherty and all the other useless bastards wasting a gift most of us would love and cherish.

A Government beset by incompetence, negligence and Big Brother attitude, reneging on pay deals and generally shitting on people from high. Go on, name me one thing Gordon Brown and his government has done that's better than Blairs. Exactly. he's made Tony Blair look like a fucking genius in the same way George Bush made Clinton look like a member of The Peace Movement!

I could go on, but it's just so fucking depressing. I am starting to think this is all leading to the sighting of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse and a personal visit for us all from the Grim Reaper.

And of course, we, the working people are to blame for all of this. We are a rabble rousing, lieing, cheating, greedy, self centred, pollution creating, drug taking, hard drinking, bunch of selfish bastards all on the make. One minute they want to stop us spending money, the next everything's our fault because we're not spending enough money.

Damned if we do, Damned if we don't. It's all gone to pot, and we're to blame.

Now, when can we start this revolution?

Later, Grocerjack

The Liberation (TM) Solutions grow.....

The manifesto for my political party Liberation (TM) continues to grow. Two weeks ago I announced the Liberation (TM) Policy on Energy. This amounts to re-nationalizing Gas, Electricity and Water, re-opening Coal Mines where possible or opening new ones and subsidising the industries to make them competitive....i.e run them as public services to supply heat, warmth and clean running water and NOT for profit. We would also invest in clean coal burning technologies and carbon storage, alongside a whole raft of new Nuclear power stations (state owned and funded) to ensure we are never again dependent on anyone else totally for our energy, plus we will not be lining the fat cat shareholder pockets with ordinary peoples hard earned cash. For water we would invest in de-salination plants and every household ould be encouraged to install a "grey" water supply from these plants for washing, flushing, showering , bathing and cleaning the car and watering the garden. The normal water supplies would then only be used for drinking.

Then someone said to me that this would be expensive and might involve paying more tax. Which is true. You would pay more tax. Initially we'll tax companies more on their profits, plus we'd do away with the fiddles that allow self employed and the rich to effectively avoid tax. We'd put more tax bands in as well. Instead of the current two bands there would be 6, with band 6 at the top paying 60% and band 1 at the bottom paying 10%. Council tax would be abolished and replaced with a local sales tax like they have in America. remote areas of low population would be topped up from high population areas to ensure the "per head" spend is comparable across the UK.

Ultimately we'd look at doing away with income tax and replacing it with a goods tax which means the more expensive the item, the more you pay. Everything then bought in shops or on the internet, irrespective of where the retailer is based would be taxed ata State level and a local level at the point of the transaction. if you buy a car for £10,000 you can expect to pay substantially less than someone who buys one for £40,000. Of course, the "green" rating will also count here as well

I need to think about what I'd do with the Monarchy..but as a republican I think a nice retirement plan would be formulated. And don't give me any bollocks about that doing away with our heritage and history. Our heritage and history are already there.

Then comes the issue of crime and lawlessess. Let's not kid ourselves that things are better. Crime statistics, like any statistics can be made to lie. We all know the phrase Lies, Damned lies and Statistics. Anecdotal evidence is often dismissed but just look at the case of Gary Newlove and the impassioned statement from his widow Helen, and it's easy to realise it could be any of us. No, the answer here is a return to real coppers, like Gene Hunt. We need coppers on the beat and in the cars who can scare the living crap out of teenage gangs and adult thugs as well. They need to be able to deliver a good hiding, or a clip around the ear where necessary. They need to be able to nick people from 8 years old onwards and lock them up for a few days with the the bare minimum of food and maybe a toilet they have to slop out, like they'd have inside. No clean clothes, no washing facility and just one visit from a parent. I'd also make the parents or guardians culpable as well for the children's behaviour to the age of 18.

Then I'd only allow knives to be sold in licensed outlets to people aged 21 or over and anyone found carrying a knife that isn't in a sealed box on a public street goes away for 1 year minimum. No excuses, they will all know the law. If you're found with a gun, decommissioned or real then you're having a spell for a minimum of 5 years, again no excuses. Ignorance will not be accepted. Once inside it will be fucking hard, but I've yet to determine the details, but suffice it to say, there'll be plenty of work for ex-forces and ex-coppers. All criminals need to be scared of the consequences. They shouldn't think prison is about meeting old mates, or being fed and sheltered. Prisons should not be Universities of Crime. Punishment will mean exactly that...punishment. Hard, debilitating and painful punishment.

Oh and paedophiles guilty of actual physical abuse of children will be castrated physically on top of their jail sentence. End of story.

Lastly, the Armed forces will be funded properly and The Army and Navy particularly can look forward to some unprecedented growth to put them back on the map as well. lets put some pride back in them.

If it doesn't sound very "socialist" it's because the Champagne flavour of my socialist leanings has always been counterbalanced by a Socialist Realism that has meant not having much time for Political Correctness or for the bleeding heart, namby pamby brigade who's liberal ideas have led us to where we are now. If a copper had bought me back home my Dad would have leathered me from one end of the house to the other, and the very thought of that was enough to keep me out of anything but the most trivial and normal of teenage trouble.

Watch out for the full manifesto on the other site where the cast of my life and the rules of the GoGB reside!!

Later, El Presidente Grocerjack!

My Perfect Job

In a week of continuing uncertainty as The Company's High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department undergoes yet another "Transformation" ...or as we really know it Re-organization, (although for some reason that word is now forbidden) I thought it was time to think about jobs I'd really like to do. You know what I mean, imagining you're at school but knowing what you know now and choosing something that will make you happy, or rich..or both.

But mostly rich.

Because no matter what they say, I reckon it does make you happy. And if you're rich and not fucking happy then sling your money over here and give it to someone ready to rejoice in it.

It's the same old thing though, a new broom The Beach Babe, promoted from Head of Strings to Big Cheese Chief Head of High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings has slowly but surely built her own "leadership" team by "evolving" certain people in the existing team into other roles, mostly those of a gardening nature, but all of them into "opportunities" elsewhere. I've no real issue with that because unlike the previous incumbent to her role she does have charisma and style, but then so would John Major. In comparison to the barbaric and butcher-like Canadian wanker before that she is the paradigm of perfect people management. But as with all of these things, I never seem to do particularly well, despite having an allegedly good press throughout the department. I think it's my refusal to become part of the F Band Club on their terms by having the clone chip inserted to remove my personality that might be a hindrance.

Anyway there's fuck all anyone can do, so I might as well sit back and see what happens. A few people have already been given "compromise"* deals to go away and never darken the door again, and several more are now at risk so you see why the remainder who have yet to find out where the future lies might be feeling a little tense this week.

* Compromise deals are where they take you into a room, offer you big fat cheque to fuck off, promise not to slag the company off, not to work for a rival and not to sue for unfair dismissal. The deal is usually so goo that no-one ever takes legal action. besides......being offered this sort of sends a message to you don't you think?

So a good time to list those "perfect jobs" then.

1.) Fighter Pilot - wasn't even presented as an option when I was at school. Obviously the careers officers had been given a steer from the RAF that they didn't want cockney accented oiks getting in the way of Bunty, Biggles and Smudger in the officers mess. Either that or they thought I was too thick.

2.) Porn mogul - well, it makes money doesn't it? People alwasy want porn. And ...well if it wasn't me then someone else would do it (and it seems has done) and I'm a nice bloke who genuinely cares for his team!

3.) Professional Golfer - whilst it would be great to be on the "tour", I'd settle for being a club pro with my own little retail business on the club. A great life.

4.) Writer - yes, despite a few episodes of writers block, plus a lack of time and commitment, something I'd love to do would be to write novels and plays. Especially for TV. I'm very jealous of Russell T Davies!

5.) Journalist - similar to above but in the payroll of some media tycoon. Writing about football, golf or cricket would be heavenly although not too good for the liver...or the blood pressure I think.

6.) Radio Presenter - or "DJ" as we used to know them. Except that DJ's now wear sideways baseball caps, are "down wiv der kidz" and instead of happily settling for playing great music have decided to make music. Music that isn't very good. No. really it isn't very good at all.

7.) Painter - no... not the painter/decorator type, but the type who paints pictures of things. Only one small problem here. I can't paint. Or draw. Then again, in these days of modern art challenging boundaries perhaps that makes no difference at all.

And finally......the one I would love to do most ....

8.) Incidental Music person - I would love to be the person who matches the music to the scene on TV or in a film. Whether that's the collage at the beginning or the end of the football, music to intensify a scene or depict the mood of a scene I reckon that has to be one fucking brilliant job.

But of course..in the end I'll do none of the above because that means being brave. It means jumping ship (unless I'm pushed!). It means risking everything at a stage of life where too many other people depend on my monthly wage. It's the sort of thing you're supposed to sort out in your 20's.

Only no-one ever told me that.

Later, Grocerjack