Is it just me......

.....or is this one of the most pointless photo's someone's ever likely to take?

Thanks to The Grand Master for the pic.

Later, GrocerJack

You wait 2 years and then along come 2 at once....

Cast your minds back about 2 and a half years. That’s how long I’ve been writing this blog. Well it may not be quite that long but it certainly seems longer at times. Especially those periods of creative drought, a feature which has occurred more to me lately than the number of times the sun has shone over MediocreBritain*.

Anyway, the blog was started as a means of filling in the large amounts of time given to me by The Sandman after he had kindly moved me into a Change Management role for The Company. During the following 2 or so years the role developed into a Team Management one, incorporating Process Modelling and mapping, Change Management, System Tools and Planning. All in all a cushy number, but not one that challenged me overtly. See…I’m yawning now just writing it…and you’re probably yawning now just reading it. Despite my best efforts to gain a job elsewhere it seemed I was stuck firmly in the Land Of The Middle Manager earning a good salary, with good benefits for doing comparatively fuck all. Safe, secure but ultimately mind numbingly dull would describe it best. I couldn’t carry on with this because I need more to challenge me, or else the creativity just drops away as brain cells die off due to lack of use and redundancy.

Then came an “initiative” at work to “raise the bar” on Change Management….all of which seemed geared to my ITIL manager qualifications and sponsored by The Beach Babe herself. I’m not inspired by many Managers, but The Beach Babe…an iron fist in a velvet glove…. is certainly someone special. She knows my name, my football team and the fact that I have a gob full of metal straightening my tombstone like teeth. And that’s a real change. A real personal touch is such a welcome change in this increasingly bland Corporate head-giving environment. So, I decide to pitch directly to her for a role running Change Management across the whole of the “networky” bit of The Company’s High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department. The Schoolteacher did not like this one bit and saw this as a breach of protocol, but The Beach Babe replied warmly and genuinely and referred me to the person setting up this role and to whom I would be reporting , a guy I will simply call The Bristolian. The Bristolian talks in a really strong Bristol accent and always dresses in a t-shirt and combats with trainers. Not your normal Senior Manager by a long shot. I arranged to talk and meet with him…..but weeks previously to this, when The Shepherd was still in place (prior to his unceremonious ejection by The Beach Babe) I had applied for another job within The Company in the “servicey” side of The Company’s High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department. Out of the blue a few weeks ago I was asked for an interview and attended last week for the role of Service Reporting Manager – a quite customer facing role, one level up from where I am now, with a demanding and driven but clear manager and a brand new team in an area I know very little about!

Hmmmm…but what about the role with The Bristolian. Well, unbeknownst to me he had decided to place it within one of his existing teams meaning that if I was given the role or won it I would be on the same level as I am now with no gain, except perhaps the chance to shine in a slightly different role with a slightly farther ranging remit. But there were no guarantees the role would be mine, even if they were allowed to map me into it, the chances are HR would force them into advertising it internally and then I’m up against others…and well who knows….someone might come along and blow me out of the water. I just don’t trust my luck enough to take a gamble on a role that is only “proposed” at the moment.

Well, you guessed it….. I actually got offered the other role and since Wednesday of last week have been in the allegedly “nice” dilemma over being wanted for 2 roles. For me it wasn’t “nice”…a dilemma is a dilemma, full stop. After a lot of soul searching, talking with GMD and others I respect…including my old cohort Private Godfrey I was still unsure…but of all people The Schoolteacher gave me the one question to tip the balance. He said “how much do you want to be pigeonholed in Change management?” For the whole weekend I’ve thought about how the strange and unknown role would benefit me, and how the one I pitched at The Beach Babe for would show my strengths and increase the breadth of my knowledge and experience and The Schoolteachers one piercing question, one simple pointed question that revealed new layers of doubt and ambition was the one that tipped the balance.

Today I have become restless, daring and risky…. I’ve held my breath and jumped off the precipice for a base jump of unknown proportions….I’ve shoved my head over the parapet without a tin hat….thrown the dice and accepted the role with the “servicey” side of The Company’s High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department. I will pitch for a pay rise although as its up 1 level but within the same pay band this is a long shot.

I wonder if I can still cut it? Time to find out………

Later GrocerButcherBakerCandleStickMakerJack

*Great to see a stunning year for the English/British in sports though isn’t it? Dismal performances by England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland in Rugby Union, by MediocreBritain in Rugby league, the rubbish served upon us by the English cricket team, the pile of steaming turd that was the England football team during the World Cup, the turgid Tim Henman pumping his weedy little fist at Wimbledon, Andy Murray whinging about his growing pains and now the golfers failing to put on a single challenge to American domination at The Open.

Land of Hope and Glory? Land of Dope and Moron more like.

Psycho Neighbour Update

Ok so its only a matter of time before I let you all see the blackmail letter I received from NuttyBollocks (the new name for the psycho next door), but I just want to see how the land lies a little longer, and whether the CPS decide to charge the twat with a criminal offence. Failing that I will then be alerting Social Services to the issue as I believe that if he’s NOT criminal (as p[otentially decided by the CPS) for the letter he wrote me, and the people the other side of him, then he’s mentally ill and I want him committed!

What I do know is qwe haven't seen sight nor sound from him or his equally batty wife since this occurred. This means that the playgound bully has fucked with the wrong person and won't try it again...or he's planning somehting even more vile for us. No doubt he's watching our every move, but he isn't clever enough to set us up for a fall.

He's just a vindictive, bullying, mental, sad deluded old man who can't cope with society moving on past him and leaving him and his shrivelled mousey prune of a wife behind.

Watch this space for developments

Later GrocerJack

The Stupid Brits

Listen, I know I could be writing and banging on about some of the more serious world events. I could launch a stream of invective against the seemingly increasing terrorist state of Israel as it indiscriminately shells and bombs Lebanon without any regard for civilian life. Even knowing the traumatic past of the Jewish people and the turbulent history of Israel doesn't seem to justify their current actions. Surely they could have adopted a different approach to what happened. If you're surrounded by people who hate you then wouldn't some serious charm offensives be more .......productive? I could have a pop against the stupidly serial basket cases of Hezbollah for their own stupidity in continuing to annoy "the wasp" of the Middle East by sanctioning the kidnap of Israeli soldiers, but to me this also seems obvious. Israel is richer and has more firepower....so why pick a fight with someone who will constantly beat the living crap out of you?

But I won't. Instead I want to comment on how apparently stupid and helpless we are (again) as a nation in UK PLC. We're having some lovely weather this year...not before time in my view. But what do we get from The Nanny Government and its associated agencies (including the BBC and several other commercial organizations)? A never ending stream of patronizing tips and advice on how to cope with the heat. Do they think we've never encountered this before? Didn't something similar happen last year, and every bloody year since I can remember? Do we really need a production line of radio presenters, weather forecasters, news readers, link people, journalists, knobber tabloid hacks and general bleeding hearts and artistes telling us to "cover up" or "use plenty of sunscreen" or "stay indoors" etc ...ad infinitum? Can we really not be trusted to act with some caution without constantly being patronized in this way?

Personally I love the heat, and if I wasn't stuck in this bloody god-forsaken office then I would be on a beach or by a pool or on a golf course lapping it up. Have people forgotten just how miserable winter is in the UK, with darkness falling early or constant rainfall ruining outdoor plans, or even the hideously cold weather we encountered from December through until February and even march to a degree? And what about the constant scaremongering that's now being added.

Apparently our railways tracks are buckling! Hmmm....Spain, France, Italy etc all seem to "suffer" this weather every year and apparently have much superior engineering capabilities to us because they don't suffer from bucking rails.

Our roads are melting! Huh? Is it just me or is this a WTF moment? 3 years ago I drove to the South of France during their record breaking heatwave. At 80mph on the Peage my car recorded a temperature of 47 degrees. Was the road melting....apparently not because somehow or another the French have mastered the art of constructing "all-weather" road surfaces!

Electricity could be in short supply! Blame the heatwave! Honestly, on BBC Radio 5 Live yesterday they ran an item on how the Electricity Supply Industry has cut back on capacity for the summer ( a normal practice that allows maintenance to power stations) but that because of the heat we might be in danger of exhausting capacity. Come on...how many people do you know with air-con in their homes? And surely those workplaces with it use it constantly all year round. And again, how do the warmer climes of Europe...and the world cope with apparent extremes of heat without issuing dire warnings over energy supplies.

Water! Need I say more. Water companies leak millions of gallons/litres per day through poor investment in infrastructure and cost cutting on maintenance, but somehow, we the domestic consumer are the culprits for the shortage. Arid Britain, an island surrounded by water apparently on the verge of drought. Anyone think this might be linked to privatized water companies, and the increasing value of a so-called rare commodity and the subsequent increased shareholder value ? Parallels with Oil companies anyone? Fly over Spain and see how many hill and mountain top reservoirs they have built. I'd love to compare that to how many reservoirs have been built in the South of the UK over the last 20 years. Oh, and of course we can't afford de-salination plants because they're not cost effective. Just how much drought do we need for these to be come cost effective then Mr Water Company boss? Or again, is it just the fact that such plants rectify the view that water is an increasingly rare and therefore valuable commodity and therefore cheapen your "product" and affect the value of your company and mean less for greedy cash motivated shareholders. When the GrocerParty gets into power, these will the top of the re-nationalization list. And yes, you and me, the taxpayers will fund reservoirs, de-salination plants and a National Water Grid. Fuck the shareholders, they'll get nothing and serves them right for wanting to make money out of the single biggest contribution to public health ever developed.

Tube trains are cauldrons of body odour and sweat! Ken Livingstone's answer............innovative cooling systems? Investment in air-con, or air blowing technology through tunnels? No.......his answer is that " we may have to close down large sections of the tube for people's own good"! What a load of old bollocks. Where's the inspirational leadership supplying innovative solutions. Even distributing free mineral water would help people keep hydrated. Ensuring the trains keep running and don't sit in tunnels for 20 minutes at a time would help. But no, what we get is a completely negative knee-jerk over-reaction. I like Red Ken, but on this occasion he's acting like a typically bureaucratic fuckwit.

And thus it was so. Great Britain, a country with a reputation founded on leading the industrial revolution, of being at the forefront of Technological revolution and evolution apparently can't cope with a hot summer without infrastructure collapsing in a heap and its citizens running around unable to think for themselves.

Maybe we should consider calling it Mediocre Britain.

Later, SummerJack

Hello again, mes amis!

Aaaah....'tis good to be back indeed.

Is it bollocks!

Still it was a fabulous week away in Spain, where a bunch of middle aged blokes left the cares of the world behind to play golf, drink, eat and sleep. In between there was the odd swim and sunbathe, and the festering remains of the World Cup to watch. Good job there wasn't any letching going on then :-)

I won the overall golf championship and picked up the Champion Golfer trophy for La Cala 2006. It was close though, and after starting round 1 on the Monday on Campo Europa we knew we had incurred a baptism of fire. All of us, barring The Major (now to be known as Lounge Lizard Larry) lost a host of balls by the 3rd hole (I'd lost 5 by this point) and all in all it looked like a frustrating and annoying weeks golf lay ahead. This appears to have been caused by two reasons though

1.) The course was new to all of us, and although I'd paired with Larry and a stranger called Hans (from Finland) we were all suffering. Only when Hans revealed himself as a member did Lounge Lizard Larry and me gain any advantage over the other three. 28 points from round one for me sounds OK, but bear in mind that 12 of those came from the last 4 holes (net par, net eagle, net birdie, net par) and suddenly a measly 16 points becomes a grand (ish) 28. Larry got 30 and won the day. Hans merely regaled us with stories of his drinking and shagging exploits from the previous night. Apparently he was a frequenter of Estart 92, or just Club 92 as its known. Apparently its the best "whorehouse" on the Costa Del Sol and a well known haunt of golfers. Well we've been to La Cala twice before and never heard of it. Still it was Ok because Hans explained he was getting his shagging out of the way as his wife was joining him the following week!

Errr....thats OK then Hans.

2.) We got absolutely battered the night before. We went to Biddy Mulligans in the village Cala de Mijas and basically drunk ourselves silly like the typical Brit abroad.

.......Nah...actually we did it with grace, style and some well observed humour.

And so we faced our duties everyday with unswerving commitment despite the 30 plus degree heat, the fabulous golf courses and the.....ahem...scenery. Dedication indeed.

And I discovered Magners, which made a refreshing change from Guinness which even cold can be hard to describe as refreshing in that heat. The thing is Magners seems to get your legs drunk way before the mind goes, meaning you can bullshit lucent conversation for quite a while, but when you get up to walk to the loo or the bar you end up staggering all over the shop. Weird, but fun.

Now off to think about things to write or comment on.........

Later, GrocerJack.

See Y'All

Lovely!

Bon Nuit, Jacques

Upping the Game.......Raising the Bar

Time to get with the fucking game Jack!

Some quick wins/ideas......

1.) I'm away playing golf from Sunday with my MATES....so no posts for 7 days
2.) My writing suffers because of my nutty neighbour....pourquoi?
3.) I have a 2 week trial of a Sat Nav system to stop the rows with GMD when we go on hols and she HATES the idea.............again................pourqoui?
4.) Thanks LittleSis for the offer of the lift to the airport...I owe you one!
5.) I bought a new Mountain Bike...£450...according to the new Mountain Biking hierarchy (affiliated to the shooting, golfing and fishing community this is SHITE...snobby wankers!....but apparently this is the way of life (post to follow about kit snobbery)
6.) How can one fucking mental idiot fuck so many things in your life?
7.) We might be shit....but maybe we can win this World Cup (*affirming support for the one true team of Chelsea...bugger me Ballack looks fucking good*)
8.) I have made my first ever direct pitch for a "role" at work to a director. Watch this space for failure
9.) My golf is crap............because of Hornblower and my own crapness. Watch this space as Jack (like England) starts slowly but gains form and momentum......
10.) Thanks AGAIN Little Sis for the lift!
11.) Thanks to BigSikes for the biking adventures..........some proper "gripped and sorted" routes
12.) Strings......its the 22nd mate

Have a lovely fucking week my friends. C U soon with a a promise to write more and better stuff......I think!

I promise......as GMD says I should.......*skulks away...suitably chastised*


Later............EspanolJack

PS .....A work of Art follows......