Thank God for Virgin Radio………..


…..and 5 Live! Without these 2 marvellous stations to listen to at work, I would have probably jumped from the window by now. Alright, this job is less stressful, but fuck me I’m bored. I’m definitely not the sort of bloke who can work away in a back office. I miss my old team. They were a bit maverick, slightly whiny in the team meetings, but it was a bit like Auf Wiedersehen Pet. When the chips were down, the team would always pull together, put ego’s aside and come up with a solution.

Anyway, in their different ways the stations have kept me from sliding into a deeper depression. Virgin deserve to be applauded for hitting my musical buttons around 90% of the time, and 5 Live for keeping the conversation levels and subjects to a level that challenges me. I would drop everything tomorrow to work for either one!

We had a quote for some new fencing in the garden earlier this week. The bloke who quoted us is also the bloke who does our garden monthly (yes, I am lazy, but gardens are for sitting in, drinking, eating and enjoying, not for continually tending to!).

Anyway in Corporate terms I think the bloke is trying to move away from his “core” business and diversify into the “external household leisure facility: boundary control” market. He quoted for 2 panels (6’ x 4’), and 3 Trellis panels and posts (6’ x 6’). The price….£425! If it wasn’t true I would have dropped to the floor laughing. This is the imaginary conversation I so wanted to have.

Scene 1 : Jack’s “external household leisure facility” aka “The Garden”

GardenAgent: Ok Jack, the quote is for 2 high quality, pre-treated, warp free, non-transparent, organic wood, external household leisure facility system boundary panels, plus associated support infrastructure beams. Also included in the price are 3 sections of the latest high tech, leading edge technology, partially transparent, free airflow, wind resistant, ultra lightweight, organic wood, external household leisure facility dividing system panels and associated support infrastructure beams. £425 in total, including procurement, delivery, configuration, pre-implementation testing, change control, implementation, post implementation testing. An annual support contract is available at a small extra cost.

Jack: How much? Are you pulling my pisser? What’s in the leather case?

GardenAgent: This, Jack is an example of the quality of both products. Would you like to see them?

Jack: You have a section of fence panel and trellis in a case?

GardenAgent: fence?…trellis?......sorry…you mean external household leisure facility boundary system panel or external household leisure facility dividing system panel?

Jack: I mean a fucking fence panel or a trellis. What the fuck are you talking about

GardenAgent: Aaah well in light of moving with the times, we have moved on now Jack. What we deliver now is far more than a fence panel. We deliver external household leisure facility systems and processes……..

Jack: So, no more gardening….

GardenAgent: well, to deliver stakeholder value we need to focus on customer and product value

Jack: In what fucking way?

GardenAgent: Well…errr….using the latest technology, leveraging growth by efficient cost management initiatives, using synergistic partnerships with suppliers and developing smoother delivery programmes for seamless transition into the customer premises

Jack: Do these systems have a remote control facility that’s java enabled for remote access from the internet to allow for changes to the settings?

GardenAgent: errrrr…no….what settings…….what’s java……..

Jack: Does it automatically adjust itself for unfeasibly fat pigeons sitting on it, squirrels leaping around on it or foxes trying to barge their way into next doors garden?

GardenAgent: errr…. no

Jack: Does it automatically strengthen itself for extra strong winds, irrespective of the direction, or does it automatically self paint itself each year? Can it make allowances for young nephews kicking footballs at it? Or nieces deciding that it looks like a very nice climbing frame, or because they are trying to catch the squirrel?

GardenAgent: err…… no

Jack: Right, then fucking concentrate on your “core” business and get on with doing the garden…….

GardenAgent: Ok, be like that. Any chance of a cuppa?

I am aware that during this imaginary conversation I turned into Gordon Ramsey! Did you see that the other night - my kind of no nonsense bloke!

I got a quote last night from the local fencing guy. He will only address me as Mr. Jack, which is quite quaint. The cost, for exactly the same work……..£145.

And DC calls me gullible!


Later, Grocerjack