Can anyone decipher what the fuck this pile of wank garbage company shite talk is about? I have edited it slightly to remove any obvious references to The Company or people, in a kind of GrocerJack arse and job preservation manner, but this is the body of a genuine email sent to all of our department.
"Dear all,
Update from Anonymous Suit (Corporate Planning and Performance Director)
Thank you for all your support with the Future Way Ahead Project Alignment exercise. Thanks to the comprehensive response from all parts of the business, we have managed to collect and review over 900 templates. The next stage is to work with the Initiative Owners and Initiative Leads to make decisions on whether the mapped projects should be integrated, refined & integrated, or discontinued. Given the inputs so far we believe that we can now accelerate and simplify our information capture process. We will only need Template 2 to be completed in the following circumstances:
• For all projects currently unmapped to any of the 23 Initiatives, template 2 will be issued to you (PSTSO will send to Project Sponsor) w/c 2nd June for completion by 16th June.
• If, following review with the initiative owner / lead, further information is required (Template 2 will be issued on a project by project basis as necessary)
This will significantly reduce the burden on you and your teams in providing information to this process. Updated copy of our outline process and timetable:
Template 2
Following a change to the process, we now no longer require a Template 2 for all our projects submitted by our PM's.
Sponsor re-alignment
All projects have been Sponsored by Exec level Sponsors only, we now have the opportunity to align to the true project Sponsor which may be the domain head or senior manager in a team. The current Sponsors for a large number of our projects have reviewed the list and have made suggestions on who is true project Sponsor. This work will communicated next week as part of Template 2 process and updates to follow next week.
Timesheet code - IMPORTANT
Please encourage all your teams to book any time we are spending on this alignment project to TSheet code PTW_002816 Future Way Ahead Mobilisation This will ensure we can track the cost and disruption to normal activity as we focus on sorting out the future.
Regards,
Company Corporate Communications"
God fucking help us if we are employing people to produce this sort of gobbledygook corporate bollocks talk.
Just a quick post in a sea of excessive golfing, footie watching and Guinness drinking. Plus a bit more study of the philosophy of Darwinism, which apparently at its most extreme seems to imply that men are genetically disposed to shag loads of attractive women in order to increase the chances of their genes being carried into the future, and women are genetically disposed to try and ensnare those men who will provide a better future for the children and them (by being rich?). To be honest it’s an eye opener, and the definite implication is that we can’t help acting upon our genetic traits. And I have always said that men have primeval urges to letch and look at other women, now maybe I have the back up of the scientific community :-)
Later, Grocerjack
8 comments:
What a load of corporate crap, I can't believe that your company is one of the leading comms Companies in the world if they employ people to write that sort of mind numbing bollocks. I can only hope that you were sent that electronically and that you cut and pasted it. If not I'd rather have stuck red hot needles through my eyeballs whilst giving birth to my spleen rather than copy type that lot out.
Re Darwinism - whats wrong with shagging unatractive women? Does the implication really specify, I'd have thought there were more of them about.
Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with unattractive women as it is a rather subjective opinion. I mean I find the all american blonde barbie doll, big teeth, hair and false tits type marginally attractive, whereby the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Kay Burley etc are to me far more attractive if not as obviously "beautiful". When I was single I was very much the "any port in a storm type" and not being so arrogant as to think I'm the Brad Pitt type I like to think the women thoughtb the same of me. A mutually accepted truth of our limited appearance but normal healthy appetites!
Must have been a very stormy night when you hooked up with the MRS jacko.
CRUNCHY
Laughing my @$$ off here -- I actually understood pretty much that whole letter you received, only because I have been the recipient of similar emails over in my corner of the world too. How funny... most particularly because the ones that *I* receive don't make any sense to me either.
AmyG
Sorry mate, but I feel I have to mention that I'm not too impressed with the new template colours or the new blogger comment system, it's really quite difficult to read and does your eyes in, I much prefered the old blog. Sorry to be critical but I think it's only you and me now that read each other's blogs these days, or at least leave comments. I think we'll have to get out on the world wide blog sites and drum up some new visitors. It also seems that if you click on the symbol next to your name it deletes the comment
Have read and get a great amount of enjoyment out of your blogs (okay I don't have a life). One thing I notice though is that when someone posts a comment, the amount of swear words increases, as though one is trying to either improve upon or be accepted by the "master" (and I use the term advisedly). Crox, I hasten to add, does not fall in to this category 'cos I also read his blog and find them amusing too. I'm afraid I have to agree with him that there are times when I find it difficult to read the white print against the dark background..and I don't drink, though I'm assuming you don't actually give a damn.
Signed..boring old fart..oh lord did I say boring sorry didn't mean too..though you may beg to differ!
What do you see
when you're looking at me?
A mother, a lover
an over grown tree?
Security, comfort
a soft place to fall.
A friendly face
or someone to call.
Whatever it is,
it's just not enough
I'm bored of your baggage,
tired of your stuff.
You're emotionless, empty
you're really not there.
Your packing,
your leaving?
what do I care?
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