The Sandman…he calleth…pt 2……

Jack is idly sitting in the office, discovering the delights of hunting out new screensavers with which to crash his machine. After downloading 3 free ones which then demand payment Jack is getting frustrated. Five Live is discussing Speed Cameras – Jack wants to call in and say something but before he gets the chance, the dulcet tones of Metallica thumping out Enter Sandman, provide the ominous forewarning of The Sandman requiring my services…

Jack (thinks): Shit, what could this be about? What have I done wrong that he could have discovered…..
Jack (says): Hi Jack speaking…….Oh sorry, Hi Sandman…I didn’t realise it was you as I was busy writing this latest report…..

Sandman: No problem Jack, nice to know you’re hard at it…..its about your monthly report…

Jack (thinks): Shit, that took about 5 minutes to do and it probably shows..
Jack (says): oh right…well sorry it was a bit late but it took a good day and a half to collate the figures and make sense of them for you…….

Sandman: I thought that would be the case. Well it’s very good…but….

Jack (thinks): fuck me...he thinks its good, so why is there always a bastard “but”
Jack (says): Oh right, thanks….what else can I add for you?
Jack (post-thinks): Well done gobshite, why not just ask him for more of this shite…..

Sandman: Well, it’s more about what you can remove……

Jack (thinks): Huh?
Jack (says) : Huh……..I mean sorry Sandman….you want something removed?

Sandman: Yeah, the figures are bit too “positive” and I’m not sure they reflect how serious we are about driving up performance. If people see how positive they are they might slack off. Plus, I don’t like the colours on the stats table you included…we need them to be more……..traffic lighty….

Jack (thinks): Too positive? Traffic lighty? Am I tripping?
Jack (says): errr….so you want me to remove the “good” headlines and stats, and make the stats table more “traffic lighty”….

Sandman: yeah…you know more Red, Amber and Green, like erm…traffic lights and just downplay the success levels, and make the target performance figures more aggressive…cheers mate…any queries give us a call….I’m always available

Jack (thinks): how the fuck did it come to this…quick ask him about the other role…
Jack (says): No problem Sandman , any news on the additional role?

Sandman: …silence

Jack (thinks): mobiles don’t have the “click and burr” of someone cutting the call
Jack (looks at phone): confirmed…Sandman has finished the call
Jack (says): bollocks
Jack (thinks): call him back and pin him down on this……

Jack then dials Sandman by virtue of speed dial key. 25 seconds later (yep that is speedy….not) the phone answers

Jack (says): Oh Hi Sandman…just wanted to catch up with you on the additional role….

Sandman: Your call has been diverted…
Sandman: Hi, this is Sandman’s Secretary. Unfortunately …blah blah blah

And that in today’s hi-tech, wireless connected, high speed, information rich, always “on” world is what we mean by “always available” !

Finally – the nannies are at it again – so not happy with stopping us from smoking, drinking (specifically us 40-something, once a week, binge drinkers), eating (all food other than organic lettuce appears bad), having the odd joint (addles our brains), sunbathing (causes cancer in Med-like Sunny Britain), driving (cos you speed) and flying (DVT), I noticed this on the Beebs news site. So no more Perrier, Diet Vanilla Coke, Tango, Fanta, Tizer or anything. Cut out the soft drinks or you’ll all die. Stick to fruit juice until someone discovers that it causes leprosy!


Later, Grocerjack