Regrets……I’ve had a few….

You know how it is when people are interviewed and they’re asked if they regret anything in their life, or if they would have done things differently. Almost inevitably every single last one of them trots out the line

“….no…I’ve no regrets…I’d have done exactly the same again……”

Why is that? Surely they must think something could have been better, or that some decision was wrong or regrettable. I know I have plenty of regrets, some of which may have altered where I am now. It’s not that I’m unhappy with things the way they are, but I’m intrigued by the prospect of what might have been. I often wonder what would have happened if the premise of the film Sliding Doors had occurred, or the song Different Corner by George Michael. So here goes……… key things I regret ……..

Not staying on to do A-levels and then going to University: I was educated in the 60’s/70’s and Uni was very much a minority option for those really bright academic types. I was quite bright and could have done A levels and gone to Uni (well according to my teachers I was), but all my mates were leaving school and getting jobs. They ended up driving round my house in their Vauxhall Victor’s or Cortina MkII’s or riding their Suzuki GT250’s acting like Loadsamoney, waving their wedge in my face before going to the pub, getting drunk and/or getting off with someone. Very hard, if not impossible to resist.

Another thing was that no-one, not the Teachers, not the laughably titled Careers Officer with his standard quote

“….there’s no money in being a DJ/footballer/singer/writer…get yourself a proper career in banking/accountancy/electronics….”

ever sat you down and told you that University wasn’t like school, and that you’d be quite likely drinking, smoking a bit of grass, going to the odd party and potentially shagging loads of intelligent women, whilst learning at the same time! Why not tell it as it was? Now that’s what I call a hard sell. So yes, knowing what I do now, I regret not staying on and going to University. Verdict: Weak Jack

KM: Too painful to talk about Verdict : Sad and stupid Jack

Selling my dead parents house: I was young and had had enough of trying to run a house and be somehow responsible for 2 younger brothers – a failed task because that’s too big a job for someone of 18. Sold the house, took the money and spent it on a deposit for a flat. If I’d kept the house for just 3 more years it would have doubled in price. Verdict: Poorly advised Jack

Not turfing my mate PT out of the flat one night: Me and my mate PT took two girls, K & L, back to the flat. We knew them quite well and yes, they were both nice, but as it turned out we did not know them as well as we thought. We were 22. PT really fancied K whereas I just wanted one night stand, no strings sex and wasn’t really fussy. The main qualification for a girl to be eligible in them days was the possession of a pulse. Anyway they both wanted sex. With me………..and each other!!!! They let me know covertly that this was threesome time and that I should get rid of PT. In a show of unbelievably stupid and naive loyalty I refused. K eventually bowed out. PT took the hint and went on his way. L stayed and yes, we had a rare old time…but in the back of my mind I knew the chance was gone. 2 weeks later GM (another mate) got the lucky option and saw it through. Yep, I’ve lived with that spectacular own goal ever since. Verdict: Idiotic Jack

Leaving the Southern Electricity Board to work for Lambeth Council: Indirectly if I hadn’t done this then I wouldn’t be where I am now. But this was all because I had a personality clash with Finch and Merwood when working at the SEB, two of the biggest Wankers it has ever been my misfortune to have worked for. Merwood worked for Finch, I worked for Merwood. Finch was a balding, mockney twat with his backbone removed. Merwood was a twat who ran the department in an environment of fear. His backbone had evaporated years before. Both of them fucking shafted me so I left for more money/status and ended up working for the corrupt and politically strangled Lambeth Council, where black and white people and equal size chips on each shoulder. I fucking hated working for Lambeth right from day one, but no way could I get back to the old place. I’d gone from being well paid and living 6 miles from work via a road with no traffic lights or roundabouts on, to travelling 80 miles each way, either via the torture of Network South-East and London Fucking Transport, or driving for 90 minutes each way and dealing with the Wandsworth hell that is the one way system, street parking in Brixton and the A3 in general. Lambeth was like a 3 year prison sentence in Broadmoor, full of absolute mentalists and knobbers. Merwood has since had several heart attacks and Finch was unceremoniously booted out. Proof, indeed, that you reap what you sew………Verdict: Impatient Jack

Negotiating with the idiot outside the Nonna Rosa in Uxbridge: New Years Eve in 1984. We decide as a group of couples to go out for a meal to the Nonna Rosa, an Italian restaurant in Uxbridge. As the disco started at around 11pm one of our party had got very drunk and popped a few tabs (I’ve no idea what because E hadn’t been invented then I don’t think, but my suspicion is LSD). He started a fight with another group that spilled outside. I stood in front of the main protagonist from the other group trying to calm him down, but all he kept doing was yelling abuse at me. I considered my options; he was 6 inches from me. I could nut him and put him down, or keep negotiating and calming him. I took the second option, his mates who were holding him back let go, he hit me and with one single punch I was out cold. He couldn’t have done better if he’d held a mallet and hit me. As I came round, lying in the gutter in the pouring rain, new leather jacket scuffed, watch strap broken from the impact of hitting the deck, rage replaced reason, my lip and nose were swollen badly and I just wanted to kill there and then. That’s when his mates decided to hold me back and reason with me, whilst he jumped into a cab and fucked off. Wrong decision Glass Jaw Jack – as Skank said to me the next day. Hit first, ask questions later………Verdict : Naive Jack

More later, GrocerJack