Fly on the wall documentary….Inside Jack’s brain….

Scene One: Jacks’ bedroom, Monday morning 05:55, 1 minute after alarm goes off…Jack lies there listening in semi-conscious state to “Wake up to Money”…….the dulcet tones of Guy Ruddell and Mickey Clarke waft across the room. Jack has no idea what they’re talking about, but they sound friendly and he has reached the age where he wants to wake with people talking to him rather than some talentless, witless, fucking smiley DJ playing the “greatest hits of the 80’s 90’ and today” …like the 60’s and 70’s never existed musically.

Deep inside the Cranium, the lights are dimly illuminated. A group of dishevelled organisms sit at the front of a large console. These are the Numbskulls, for readers of The Beezer it was well known that these were the pilots and engineers for all human beings. For anyone who never read The Beezer…well that’s your problem. It was a comic from the 70’s, that in my life anyway, vied for position of King Comic with The Topper…until I discovered Tiger (incorporating Scorcher), which was always going to win with a cast of Roy of The Rovers, Hot-Shot Hamish, Billys Boots and Johnny Cougar!

A conversation is taking place after the handover from the Dark Side Numbskulls …. A frequently cruel and vindictive bunch who run the night shift inside Jacks brain, often creating visions of huge wealth, or fantastic superpowers, or great sexual conquests and replaying them to Jack whilst asleep, whilst always scheduling the finest moment for 1 second past the point of the alarm going off, and then not handing over the tape to the “day shift” for any chance of any resumption during the pre-ignition state (or dozing as I call it). Because of them, I’ll never actually get to shag Kylie…they just won’t finish the movie. Bastards nearly let me have Davina Fuckalltalent once though….Occasionally they are also tripped out on Numbskull recreational drugs, for that can be the only reason for the utterly fucked up collage of complete twisted bollocks they sometimes play back.

Captain Jack Luc Picard: Number One……… Check Brain and Memory System……..

Number One: Now working at near normal levels Captain…..full recovery on schedule for later today. Delay between thinking and acting will be elevated today as extra protection from making complete arse of himself again…..

Capt JLP: Main engine status?

Number One: Pulsing at around 62 per minute, pressure slightly elevated, but that’s falling as we remove the remnants effect of Alcohol Storm Kylie….

Capt JLP: Check Mechanical Physical Systems and hydraulics………

Head of Engineering: usual general all over dull ache Captain, but unable to determine whether or not this is Guinness/Scotch related or just normal age related wear and tear. Joint clicking noise mechanism at full volume Sir, and nerve ends left in over-sensitive mode in order to protect from any more abuse today

Capt JLP: Check liver function………..

Number One: Surprisingly, It seems OK Captain. It has been working at full capacity for most of the weekend though, as have the Kidneys although this did mean elevated temperature levels across the whole chassis….

Capt JLP: So no permanent damage from Friday night?........

Number One: It would appear not Sir.

Capt JLP: Amazing, OK check digestive system……..

Fuel Systems Chief: Ability to choose and consume and retain solids restored, …er ….waste disposal system well and truly cleared out Sir and seemingly in constant production all weekend…..full waste liquidiser facility was activated in order to ensure no repeat sessions like Friday were likely….

Capt JLP: Was the emergency fuel and waste evacuation system used?

Waste Disposal Manager: Yes, several times on Saturday, I believe the Oral Cleaning team have just completed the final removal of the carpet from the tongue and have soothed the vomitary acid burns in the throat area. Some work has been done to reduce the toxic fumes in that area.

Capt JLP :They really are very good those maintenance guys….Visual circuits?

Navigation Engineer: now able to focus without pain, although clear focus has been restricted because of age related lack of elasticity in the port side visual portal. A known situation thought sir…..

Capt JLP: Ok, ensure that he wears the vision rectification systems – the tortoiseshell ones would be rather fetching today. How’s the scalp protection system?

Security and Looks Engineer: At Grade 5 and looking completely shite. Rapidly approaching Pom-pom status. Greying status still not active

Capt JLP: Ok get him to book a maintenance session on the Scalp Protection System. Recommend Grade 3. Status of nasal and noise sensor systems?

Navigation Engineer: Noise sensor systems have slight ringing caused by loud singing and hefty doses of Rock music during early hours of Friday…… Severe blockage in left input/output system, partial blockage in right input/output system. Full discharge system now activated, brace yourselves.

Jack sneezes and farts………simultaneously

Capt JLP: A bit more notice next time please Mr Engineer……….and can you please try and co-ordinate your discharge system to avoid coinciding with bulk exhaust discharges.

Navigation Engineer: Sorry sir………(sniggering)

Capt JLP: OK , we’re in a good enough state for this weeks missions…Number One …..set course for bathroom and start early morning cleaning program ….he might be old, but he’s ours…lets see what’s out there

Number One: Affirmative sir….Should we also activate the early morning refuelling program as well…..

Capt JLP: Yes, set to low fat, healthy but tasteless level…..Make it so Number One…make it so…..

More later, GrocerJack