A name for this day......

Ok, so yesterday was a tough day. Post exam I seemed to have the worst nights sleep for a long time and when I got up...well everything was kind of wrong. It was downright fucking weird because from the moment I forced my overweight, creaking stiff body out of bed it was like I was always a few seconds behind my mind. Almost immediately I dropped the can of Diet Vanilla Coke I keep by the side of the bed to quench my mid sleep thirst,. This is a sad admission but I find myself regularly waking at 3 in the morning needing to have a piss. It doesn't matter that I had one just milliseconds before finally going to sleep. I'm wondering if we grow a reserve bladder as we get older that only works when you're asleep. Let that be a lesson to all you under 40's - this is the sort of shit thats waiting down the runway of life, just for you. Of course if one is to go to the loo then one might as well have a few swigs of something to remove the fur lining thats grown in the mouth, for any number of reasons...central heating, Indian for dinner, oral sex, 10 pints of Guinness mouldy toothbrush...... So, the half full can deposits its belongings all over the floor.

"Shit" I whispered in my mind...but actually said out loud
"Urghhhhhhhh...wot" says GMD
"Shutup and go back to sleep" I say, ever the romantic

Into the shower then, turn on the shower let the hot water through and quickly have a shave. No...the shavers flat, fuck it I'll go in with a George Michael growth....and I don't mean a hard on because Eltons walked in the room!. Into the shower where Teenager has kindly left the shower gel and shampoo on the floor. Inevitably I kick them and they fly into the glass side with a loud bang.

"Fuck it,,that fucking hurt...stupid teenage kid" says I, ever the compassionate and balanced person

Turn on 5Live on the shower radio and step inside . Errr..the waters a bit too hot and I have to jump out as bits of skin start to bubble

"FUCK" I shout
"Shutup you noisy bastard" shouts GMD
Touche...thinks I. Anyway water is adjusted and shower is completed. Then...simply the most irritating thing in the world.....Teenager has used my towel the previous night and dumped it on the floor in a crinkled pile about 10% of its normal size thus preserving the wet from her shower, but allowing it to dry just enough to bring on the delightful stagnant water smell. By now my blood pressure is 400 over 200. I am a nuclear reactor on the verge of meltdown. Just call me Jack Chernobyl.

I struggle out of the bathroom into the bedroom where find Baby has left her towel in the same state on the floor. Eventually I find a reasonable towel...it's a bit rough but it smells of nothing. Breakfast - I decide on Mini Shredded Wheat or WheatBrillo as I call it. I put some grapes in just to add some flavour. I go to the fridge and when I open it....well itn hasn't been shut properly the night before so everything is now at room temperature, including the milk. Revolting. I struggle through that and listen to 5Live and then go to get dressed. I pour the milk into GMD's tea but underestimate the flow and by the time I realise it, she now has a warm cup of milk that has been threatened by a tea bag. I take it up and go to clean my teeth, and yep, the battery on the toothbrush runs out after 30 seconds. Bollocks , I''ll finish with some mouthwash.. I go to the spare room where I dress so as not to wake up GMD who can sleep in a quarry. Yeah, so why do I bother? Have I got a shirt ironed...no...because I was too fucking lazy to do it the night before! I find a semi-respectable shirt and take it downstairs. The first bit of steam from the iron then chucks out a ton of shit onto the shirt, almost like the fucking thing farted and followed through. Now I'm just weary and I've been out of bed for just 40 minutes. So what else could happen? In a nutshell this.......

Reverse the car off the drive and cause another car to swerve because I forgot to look, missing me by inches, causing them to hit the horn, making the postman look at me and the barking mad fuckwit next door walking his dog to look at me and...yes he was tutting.

Drive to work, selecting the wrong gear twice and stalling at the roundabout. I'm sure I heard derisory laughter from the other drivers.

Get to the door fo the office - forgotten my pass, can't get in without it. Trek back to car and realise I have reversed into space....more precisely exactly halfway across two spaces. Friendly colleague walks past and says "I've seen women park better than that" Mysogynist wanker.

Go into office. Get coffee in Chelsea mug, trip on shoelace walking to desk, spill half of coffee over hand and shirtcuff. "I don't think you wanted to do that" says another friendly work colleague for whom I have no suitable nickname. Perhaps Bald Headed Twat will do for now.

Go to loo, realise flies have been undone, presumably since getting dressed.

Things got better when Priceless treated me to a coffee in our Cafe (yes we have a proper one in the office, with proper coffee!)

At around midday everything seemed to be back in synch. Then in the afternoon I walk to meeting in another building and the heavens opened on me. I was the wettest in the meeting and that amused some people. Not me though. Walking back from the meeting I walk down a grassy bank...yes this was tempting fate...and yes I did slip, luckily only managing to get my hand covered in wet mud. I suppose with the way this day was going I should be thankful a dog hadn't decided to have a shit in that exact spot.. And that was pretty much it...the rest of the day I was so cautious and slow even Fate couldn't trip me up again. What I want to know is if there is a name for this type of day.? Discordant Day? Unsynchronised Day? OutofSortsitis day? Shouldhavestayedinfuckingbed day?

And why was today such a seamless and smooth operation ?

Later, Grocerjack