Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do hard physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
Sometimes I work in a smelly environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
Sometimes I have to work in a very claustrophobic, drier and tighter place
I often have to work in a place where teeth exist
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Sometimes I have to work through the whole night
I often have to work at very short notice
Sometimes I have to work after having had a drink
I am constantly fiddled with by my owner
I spend a lot of time coiled up in a hot, tight pair of briefs
I am constantly having the piss taken out of me

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You are often not very clean
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You seem very eager to work for other people
You lied about your size on the application form
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

My thanks to CG for this

Later GrocerJack