Christmas......in the 21st Century....

Dear Jack the Grocer,

Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!

Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .

During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.

The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.

Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!

No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.

We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.

Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)




*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.

** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!

*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.

**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.

***** Later, GrocerJack