Beep beep fucking beep......

What is this the sound of?

Beep beep beep beep......beep.......beep....whirrrrr....(several hours later)..." A pint of Guinness, a pint of Carling for Mr Chelsea...and a Blackcurrant and Soda for Mrs Chelsea please Young BarSteward...£5.80....there you go mate"

Yes, it's me going to the ATM at the Co-op near my house , getting some money out, and then later on buying some drinks at the pub. Simple isn't it? Well apparently not for the fuckwits who are always in front of me in the queue. Seriously, I put my card in and six beeps later, 2 seconds of whirring and I get my cash and card and fuck off down the pub...(well I might have some food in between, spend quality time with my kids, by GMD some wine....but you get the picture). Total time at machine.....20 seconds maximum!.

No, when I get to the machine, someone always runs to it to beat me. "Wanker/bitch" I whisper under my breath to myself...(inside I'm thinking about mugging them just to teach them a lesson for being in front of a loudmouth, opinionated Chelsea fan.....perhaps The Football Factory had a bigger effect than I thought). The thing is all I then hear is..

Beep Beep beep beep...beep...beep..."Oh whats up with this thing"....beep beep.......beep....beep ..."shit.....sorry love I typed in the wrong thing" (I smile but inside I am turning into a fucking psycho ready to shred the fucker with a rusty machete)...beep beep beep beep .....beep...beep...beep beep..."silence as beads of sweat start to run down brow" ...beep...beep beep....whirr.....card is then returned......they gulp and then one of three things happens.

1.) They get their money and receipt and walk away....nah forget that... that never fucking happens
2.) They walk away with that "I only wanted to check the account details anyway" look having obviously been refused any cash
3.) Oh horror of fucking horrors, they then reach into their purse/wallet and bring out the backup card....my life is becoming an endless wait behind knobbers who couldn't challenge a two yearold brain damaged, blind and deaf dog in a game of noughts and fucking crosses let alone be trusted to have a bank account AND a card to use in a machine. .

Beep beep beep beep.....beep...beep...beep.....beep ..." Oh now what?"....Beep beep beep fucking twatting beep...and so it goes on.

I have now been waiting for 10 poxy minutes all because the dopey shitneck in front of me is either incompetent, skint, both, downright ignorant or maybe all of those delightful traits.

Of course, you always get Mr or Mrs Convenience Banking who also use the machines to carry out every possible transaction available on the menu screen. These are the worst and I really just want to follow them home, smash the door down, grab their phone, ring their bank and then shove the phone up their bony arses with a message attached saying "Use the fucking phone to do your banking next time".

And the best bit....yeah you can now top up your shite-arse, pre-pay, minging mobile fucking phone as well while your there. Who in Gods name thought that would be a good idea? Is Satan running the Co-op? Is he doing this to actually prevent people like me getting to their cash? Am I to be forced into getting up at two in the morning, chancing my arm by walking past the teenage scumbags with fuck all to do but smoke shite in the Co-op car park, just to get my money, that I own and want to spend in the fruitless pursuit of a few hours in the pub or on the course at the end of a stressed out wanker of a week at work? It seems that way.

So, a message to you useless bastards who can't master a simple piece of technology involving inserting a card the right way, pressing a few buttons and reading a screen.

USE A FUCKING PIGGY BANK!

So I needed to rant, and obviously if this has EVER happened to you, then you gain automatic entry into the GoGB(Guild of Grumpy Blokes for my new readers...see the link on the left to read the full set ) Obviously women can only ever be honorary members, unless of course they suddenly....errrr....grow a ....ahem.... member.

Later, BankerJack