A lazy bastard post.....

Just feeling a bit lazy this week, whilst I compile my Christmas Heaven and Hell posts. So here's one sent to me that I liked.....

100 Great Reasons It's Great To Be A Man

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3) You know stuff about tanks.

4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5) Monday Night Football.

6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7) Your bathroom queues are 80% shorter.

8) You can open all your own jars.

9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

13) All your orgasms are real.

14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15) Men in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).

16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17) You understand why Alan Partridge is funny.

18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19) Your last name stays put.

20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22) You can kill your own food.

23) The garage is all yours.

24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25) You see the humour in Titanic

26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27) You never have to clean a toilet.

28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32) Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.

33) Fighting with your mates when drunk and not knowing anything about it the next day

34) You don't have to shave below your neck.

35) None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.

36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38) You can write your name in the snow.

39) You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.

40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original colour.

41) Chocolate is just another snack.

42) You can be President. (In this lifetime.)

43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

44) Flowers fix everything.

45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47) You can wear a white shirt in a swimming pool.

48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.

51) Foreplay is optional.

52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58) You don't give a dam if anyone notices your new haircut.

59) You can quietly watch a game with your mates for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

60) The world is your urinal.

61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64) One mood, all the time

65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66) You never have to drive on to another petrol station because this one's just too dirty.

67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

69) Same work...more pay!

70) Grey hair and wrinkles only add character.

71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72) Wedding dress: £5,000; rental suit: £25.

73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.

74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79) Sky Sports.

80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81) Stag parties kick arse over hen nights.

82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the toilet.

85) If you don't call your friend when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87) You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it."

88) If another man shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

99) Baywatch

100) There's always a game on somewhere.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



10 Things that are shit about being a man…..

1) You have to take out the rubbish.

2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over £200,000.

3) No sofas in your pub, restaurant or work toilet.

4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fast balls.

5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6.) Heart attacks!

7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

8) You can never actually be a lesbian! Not even for one night!

9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

10) "Women and children first."

Later , GrocerJack