Letter to the real Santa................

Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.

1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)

2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.

3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.

4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.

I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........

10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99

1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99

1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99

1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99

1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99

1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99

1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99

Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.

Later , Grocerjack