Where have...
...all the Arsenal fans who surround me at work gone then? Oh yeah....suddenly they all need to work from home......cowards.
Later, ChelseaJack
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
A lazy bastard post.....
Just feeling a bit lazy this week, whilst I compile my Christmas Heaven and Hell posts. So here's one sent to me that I liked.....
Just feeling a bit lazy this week, whilst I compile my Christmas Heaven and Hell posts. So here's one sent to me that I liked.....
100 Great Reasons It's Great To Be A Man
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7) Your bathroom queues are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Men in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17) You understand why Alan Partridge is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humour in Titanic
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32) Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
33) Fighting with your mates when drunk and not knowing anything about it the next day
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original colour.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be President. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt in a swimming pool.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a dam if anyone notices your new haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with your mates for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another petrol station because this one's just too dirty.
67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69) Same work...more pay!
70) Grey hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: £5,000; rental suit: £25.
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) Sky Sports.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81) Stag parties kick arse over hen nights.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the toilet.
85) If you don't call your friend when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
88) If another man shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There's always a game on somewhere.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
10 Things that are shit about being a man…..
1) You have to take out the rubbish.
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over £200,000.
3) No sofas in your pub, restaurant or work toilet.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fast balls.
5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6.) Heart attacks!
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8) You can never actually be a lesbian! Not even for one night!
9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10) "Women and children first."
Later , GrocerJack
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Remember Rainbow?
Every now and then people send me bits and pieces which are suitable for this blog, some are completely unintentional, such as the email I posed earlier this week, whilst some are very intentional. This one, sent to me by The Policemans Daughter is absolute manna from blogging heaven and has had me laughing out loud. Do you remember the childrens programme Rainbow? Well, this episode of Rainbow is allegedly a real episode that was broadcast and possibly watched by an audience of millions, most of them undoubtedly under 8 years of age. Absolutely marvellous and a proof that we English really are the kings of the "double entendre". If you're not on Broadband then it might take a few minutes to load but I urge you to persevere with it, it is worth it.
Later TwangerJack
Every now and then people send me bits and pieces which are suitable for this blog, some are completely unintentional, such as the email I posed earlier this week, whilst some are very intentional. This one, sent to me by The Policemans Daughter is absolute manna from blogging heaven and has had me laughing out loud. Do you remember the childrens programme Rainbow? Well, this episode of Rainbow is allegedly a real episode that was broadcast and possibly watched by an audience of millions, most of them undoubtedly under 8 years of age. Absolutely marvellous and a proof that we English really are the kings of the "double entendre". If you're not on Broadband then it might take a few minutes to load but I urge you to persevere with it, it is worth it.
Later TwangerJack
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
No art this week, so instead I thought I'd post a gratuitous picture of the gorgeous Jennifer Aniston. Whatever she might be like as a person, whether or not she's a Big Time Billy with no real thought to ordinary people like me...or you, she is still one very hot looking and fit woman. Sorry to my female readers, but I just felt we needed a bit of eye candy on the page. Later GrocerJack
Beep beep fucking beep......
What is this the sound of?
Beep beep beep beep......beep.......beep....whirrrrr....(several hours later)..." A pint of Guinness, a pint of Carling for Mr Chelsea...and a Blackcurrant and Soda for Mrs Chelsea please Young BarSteward...£5.80....there you go mate"
Yes, it's me going to the ATM at the Co-op near my house , getting some money out, and then later on buying some drinks at the pub. Simple isn't it? Well apparently not for the fuckwits who are always in front of me in the queue. Seriously, I put my card in and six beeps later, 2 seconds of whirring and I get my cash and card and fuck off down the pub...(well I might have some food in between, spend quality time with my kids, by GMD some wine....but you get the picture). Total time at machine.....20 seconds maximum!.
No, when I get to the machine, someone always runs to it to beat me. "Wanker/bitch" I whisper under my breath to myself...(inside I'm thinking about mugging them just to teach them a lesson for being in front of a loudmouth, opinionated Chelsea fan.....perhaps The Football Factory had a bigger effect than I thought). The thing is all I then hear is..
Beep Beep beep beep...beep...beep..."Oh whats up with this thing"....beep beep.......beep....beep ..."shit.....sorry love I typed in the wrong thing" (I smile but inside I am turning into a fucking psycho ready to shred the fucker with a rusty machete)...beep beep beep beep .....beep...beep...beep beep..."silence as beads of sweat start to run down brow" ...beep...beep beep....whirr.....card is then returned......they gulp and then one of three things happens.
1.) They get their money and receipt and walk away....nah forget that... that never fucking happens
2.) They walk away with that "I only wanted to check the account details anyway" look having obviously been refused any cash
3.) Oh horror of fucking horrors, they then reach into their purse/wallet and bring out the backup card....my life is becoming an endless wait behind knobbers who couldn't challenge a two yearold brain damaged, blind and deaf dog in a game of noughts and fucking crosses let alone be trusted to have a bank account AND a card to use in a machine. .
Beep beep beep beep.....beep...beep...beep.....beep ..." Oh now what?"....Beep beep beep fucking twatting beep...and so it goes on.
I have now been waiting for 10 poxy minutes all because the dopey shitneck in front of me is either incompetent, skint, both, downright ignorant or maybe all of those delightful traits.
Of course, you always get Mr or Mrs Convenience Banking who also use the machines to carry out every possible transaction available on the menu screen. These are the worst and I really just want to follow them home, smash the door down, grab their phone, ring their bank and then shove the phone up their bony arses with a message attached saying "Use the fucking phone to do your banking next time".
And the best bit....yeah you can now top up your shite-arse, pre-pay, minging mobile fucking phone as well while your there. Who in Gods name thought that would be a good idea? Is Satan running the Co-op? Is he doing this to actually prevent people like me getting to their cash? Am I to be forced into getting up at two in the morning, chancing my arm by walking past the teenage scumbags with fuck all to do but smoke shite in the Co-op car park, just to get my money, that I own and want to spend in the fruitless pursuit of a few hours in the pub or on the course at the end of a stressed out wanker of a week at work? It seems that way.
So, a message to you useless bastards who can't master a simple piece of technology involving inserting a card the right way, pressing a few buttons and reading a screen.
USE A FUCKING PIGGY BANK!
So I needed to rant, and obviously if this has EVER happened to you, then you gain automatic entry into the GoGB(Guild of Grumpy Blokes for my new readers...see the link on the left to read the full set ) Obviously women can only ever be honorary members, unless of course they suddenly....errrr....grow a ....ahem.... member.
Later, BankerJack
What is this the sound of?
Beep beep beep beep......beep.......beep....whirrrrr....(several hours later)..." A pint of Guinness, a pint of Carling for Mr Chelsea...and a Blackcurrant and Soda for Mrs Chelsea please Young BarSteward...£5.80....there you go mate"
Yes, it's me going to the ATM at the Co-op near my house , getting some money out, and then later on buying some drinks at the pub. Simple isn't it? Well apparently not for the fuckwits who are always in front of me in the queue. Seriously, I put my card in and six beeps later, 2 seconds of whirring and I get my cash and card and fuck off down the pub...(well I might have some food in between, spend quality time with my kids, by GMD some wine....but you get the picture). Total time at machine.....20 seconds maximum!.
No, when I get to the machine, someone always runs to it to beat me. "Wanker/bitch" I whisper under my breath to myself...(inside I'm thinking about mugging them just to teach them a lesson for being in front of a loudmouth, opinionated Chelsea fan.....perhaps The Football Factory had a bigger effect than I thought). The thing is all I then hear is..
Beep Beep beep beep...beep...beep..."Oh whats up with this thing"....beep beep.......beep....beep ..."shit.....sorry love I typed in the wrong thing" (I smile but inside I am turning into a fucking psycho ready to shred the fucker with a rusty machete)...beep beep beep beep .....beep...beep...beep beep..."silence as beads of sweat start to run down brow" ...beep...beep beep....whirr.....card is then returned......they gulp and then one of three things happens.
1.) They get their money and receipt and walk away....nah forget that... that never fucking happens
2.) They walk away with that "I only wanted to check the account details anyway" look having obviously been refused any cash
3.) Oh horror of fucking horrors, they then reach into their purse/wallet and bring out the backup card....my life is becoming an endless wait behind knobbers who couldn't challenge a two yearold brain damaged, blind and deaf dog in a game of noughts and fucking crosses let alone be trusted to have a bank account AND a card to use in a machine. .
Beep beep beep beep.....beep...beep...beep.....beep ..." Oh now what?"....Beep beep beep fucking twatting beep...and so it goes on.
I have now been waiting for 10 poxy minutes all because the dopey shitneck in front of me is either incompetent, skint, both, downright ignorant or maybe all of those delightful traits.
Of course, you always get Mr or Mrs Convenience Banking who also use the machines to carry out every possible transaction available on the menu screen. These are the worst and I really just want to follow them home, smash the door down, grab their phone, ring their bank and then shove the phone up their bony arses with a message attached saying "Use the fucking phone to do your banking next time".
And the best bit....yeah you can now top up your shite-arse, pre-pay, minging mobile fucking phone as well while your there. Who in Gods name thought that would be a good idea? Is Satan running the Co-op? Is he doing this to actually prevent people like me getting to their cash? Am I to be forced into getting up at two in the morning, chancing my arm by walking past the teenage scumbags with fuck all to do but smoke shite in the Co-op car park, just to get my money, that I own and want to spend in the fruitless pursuit of a few hours in the pub or on the course at the end of a stressed out wanker of a week at work? It seems that way.
So, a message to you useless bastards who can't master a simple piece of technology involving inserting a card the right way, pressing a few buttons and reading a screen.
USE A FUCKING PIGGY BANK!
So I needed to rant, and obviously if this has EVER happened to you, then you gain automatic entry into the GoGB(Guild of Grumpy Blokes for my new readers...see the link on the left to read the full set ) Obviously women can only ever be honorary members, unless of course they suddenly....errrr....grow a ....ahem.... member.
Later, BankerJack
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
The Crap I deal with.....
This is a genuine email I received today and shows the level of bollocks I have to endure from faceless bureuacrats at work.. The thing is Mekon is a really nice bloke, so I'm now worried that The Bodysnatchers have actually landed and have put their evil plan in place to gradually take us over and turn us into the most evil force in the known Universe. The Corporate Management Gobbledygook bollocks speakers. I remember in the sorely missed Douglas Adams Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (a Trilogy in Five Parts) that Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect end up on a ship, which it transpires is a repository for all the useless people from the planet Golgafrincham, about a thrid of their population (such as advertising executives, TV producers, PR executives, hairdressers, personnel officers, management consultants, insurance salesmen, security guards, project managers etc) and is on a collison course with prehistoric Earth, thus explaining why we are where we are now! I just wonder how true this could actually be!
Anyway have a read...see if you understand it.
This is a genuine email I received today and shows the level of bollocks I have to endure from faceless bureuacrats at work.. The thing is Mekon is a really nice bloke, so I'm now worried that The Bodysnatchers have actually landed and have put their evil plan in place to gradually take us over and turn us into the most evil force in the known Universe. The Corporate Management Gobbledygook bollocks speakers. I remember in the sorely missed Douglas Adams Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (a Trilogy in Five Parts) that Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect end up on a ship, which it transpires is a repository for all the useless people from the planet Golgafrincham, about a thrid of their population (such as advertising executives, TV producers, PR executives, hairdressers, personnel officers, management consultants, insurance salesmen, security guards, project managers etc) and is on a collison course with prehistoric Earth, thus explaining why we are where we are now! I just wonder how true this could actually be!
Anyway have a read...see if you understand it.
To Technical Services Support Team Leaders and Technical Services Change Managers,
I would like to put in place an Operational Level Agreement (OLA) with Systems Operations that enables us to measure the level of 'service' offered by either party in the ongoing and key process areas of Fault Management (includes Incident Management and Problem Management, and incorporating Case Control), Performance Management, Change Management and Network & Service Monitoring. This need is driven by the lack of clarity and transparency of the process and organizational interface and the need to represent the current set of KPI's we are measured on in context with all the other things that we are doing around the global initiatives. There may be a need to do something similar with Regional Services and I will talk to the relevant resource about this separately.
The OLA will be defined in the context of the overall SLA that The Company has with our end customers (note - there is no SLA in place today). The OLA will be defined in terms of a definition of the interface, related processes and a set of measures and a key target, aligned with objectives as set out in the One Company initiative cornerstones. Initially I want to focus on the definition of the interface, the refinement of the processes , and the measure but not the target. This will ensure that we do not set ourselves unrealistic targets that we know we cannot achieve.
To kick this activity off we will hold a workshop with Systems Operations to understand what is required and how best to achieve it. Obviously it will be impractical to invite everyone to the workshop so I propose that a set of representatives from Technical Services attend - suggestions below. If you feel you would like to attend the workshop (and note that this is only the kick off) but you are not listed below then please let me know. Also if you feel that you have something to offer but do not need to attend then please pass your thoughts to me or one of the provisional representatives below. .
I propose that in order to get a broad representation across the Business Units, Corporate Segments, Domains, Sub-Domains, Operational Units and across the Support and Change processes, the workshop attendees should be:-
- Mekon Leader
- Hot Ass (Owner of Fault/Change process for Technical Services)
- Unfeasibly Chirpy Northern Chappy (C&T/Packet - Support team leader)
- GrocerJack (CNT - Change Manager)
- Mr Laid Back (Wireless Interfaces - Support team leader)
- Mr State the bleeding obvious (MASP - Support team leader)
- Mr Aren't I fucking cool (CS - Support team leader and Change Manager)
- Mr Who? (NMS - Support team leader and Change Manager)
After the workshop I will summarise the key decisions and feed these back to you all.
Please could I have your response by midday Thursday and I will pass the names to SO who will subsequently organise the workshop.
Many thanks,
Mekon
Later, GrocerJack
Sunday, November 21, 2004
I'll be brief......
I have felt lousy today, with just about every function in my body not working properly. Couldn't play golf, can't eat without chucking up, a headache like a carving knife into the frontal lobe, bunged up, sore throat, deaf in one ear. Most of the extended family have had this at some point this week, but it seems to relish in picking me out on the weekend. It's not as if I can go sick tomorrow when I have been drafted in to give a presentation for the Mysterious M because he is off. Why accept the request and then take a days leave? Thats why I like the bloke, because thats exactly the sort of thing I'd do, and then dump onto someone else. So, it's loads of Imodium, Beechams Flu Plus, Gaviscon and Ibuprofen for me and hope it carries me through, because if I feel like this afterwards then I'm going to fuck off home and back to my bed.
Which is where I've spent today. It's hard when you're feeling so shit to find any chinks of light in amongst the literal gloom of such a shitty day. In fact it barely got properly light here today, plus it's fucking cold as well. However, I heard a song that is really bugging me because I really like it, but as usual the knobber DJ didn't announce it, or name check it afterwards. It's a slow -ish record , almost Coldplay like, but the only thing I know is the chorus which goes...
"Ohhhh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone"
Anyone know who thats by? You'll have my gratitude for at least 10 minutes or so!
Secondly, I took the opportunity to watch a film someone lent to me. It's called The Football Factory
and Christ, did it keep my attention. It's directed by a bloke called Nick Love, who seems to be the "enfant terrible" of British movies. If I put my art critic head on I might be inclined to say the film was a 2 hour onslaught of violence and foul language (yes, I know....but let me finish for fucks sake) upon the senses . However as a football fan, and a fan of the Club the "hero" follows I found it compelling, exciting, funny and ironically repulsive. It has an almost "punk" feel to it, with it's massively politically incorrect overtones. I've followed Chelsea for years and the brand of violence portrayed in the film, in my experience, does not exist in the Premiership these days by virtue of the fact that the real nutters have been priced out of the game. Having said that, I remember Donal Macintyres expose a few years back which seemed to show me how wrong I was. But at every game I go to these days the fans do mix outside the ground, so if these "firms" do exist then it must go off somewhere other than the ground.
Back to the film. The language is bad, peppered with liberal use of the word "fuck". But what really stands out is the liberal use of the C word. Now, some may question whether this word is ever used so frequently, and I only use it in this blog when someone or something really gets my goat (Simon Cowell, Iraqi terrorists, Maggie Thatcher, Davina McCall, Car Park attendants, Doctors receptionists etc), who can only be fittingly described using the C word. But go to London, stand in The Mitre just up the road from Stamford Bridge, and yes you'll hear as many C's as F's. No one uses the MF phrase because none really think they're Americans. Besides, it's too long a word for most. The story is simple, the usual "footie fan lives for punch ups on Saturday, likes casual sex, drinks Lager and does a few lines or tabs but starts to question his existence" and follows a narrative stream starting with his nearly being beaten to death by Millwall fans. Cue flashback 3 weeks and the events leading to the beating start to unfurl. Like I say, lashings of violence, realistically portrayed, with dark humour and some spot on acting, especially from the superb Frank Harper as Billy Bright, the psychotic number 2, and Tamer Hassan as the leader of the Millwall boys. The argument they have at their sons football match is priceless. Overall, a 9/10 and worth it even for the "Making of.." documentary where the language is just as bad, and you discover the fight scenes were shot using real, well known former hooligans.
Not one for the girls though...unless they are very broadminded and not squeamish.
Later, GrocerJack
I have felt lousy today, with just about every function in my body not working properly. Couldn't play golf, can't eat without chucking up, a headache like a carving knife into the frontal lobe, bunged up, sore throat, deaf in one ear. Most of the extended family have had this at some point this week, but it seems to relish in picking me out on the weekend. It's not as if I can go sick tomorrow when I have been drafted in to give a presentation for the Mysterious M because he is off. Why accept the request and then take a days leave? Thats why I like the bloke, because thats exactly the sort of thing I'd do, and then dump onto someone else. So, it's loads of Imodium, Beechams Flu Plus, Gaviscon and Ibuprofen for me and hope it carries me through, because if I feel like this afterwards then I'm going to fuck off home and back to my bed.
Which is where I've spent today. It's hard when you're feeling so shit to find any chinks of light in amongst the literal gloom of such a shitty day. In fact it barely got properly light here today, plus it's fucking cold as well. However, I heard a song that is really bugging me because I really like it, but as usual the knobber DJ didn't announce it, or name check it afterwards. It's a slow -ish record , almost Coldplay like, but the only thing I know is the chorus which goes...
"Ohhhh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone"
Anyone know who thats by? You'll have my gratitude for at least 10 minutes or so!
Secondly, I took the opportunity to watch a film someone lent to me. It's called The Football Factory
and Christ, did it keep my attention. It's directed by a bloke called Nick Love, who seems to be the "enfant terrible" of British movies. If I put my art critic head on I might be inclined to say the film was a 2 hour onslaught of violence and foul language (yes, I know....but let me finish for fucks sake) upon the senses . However as a football fan, and a fan of the Club the "hero" follows I found it compelling, exciting, funny and ironically repulsive. It has an almost "punk" feel to it, with it's massively politically incorrect overtones. I've followed Chelsea for years and the brand of violence portrayed in the film, in my experience, does not exist in the Premiership these days by virtue of the fact that the real nutters have been priced out of the game. Having said that, I remember Donal Macintyres expose a few years back which seemed to show me how wrong I was. But at every game I go to these days the fans do mix outside the ground, so if these "firms" do exist then it must go off somewhere other than the ground.
Back to the film. The language is bad, peppered with liberal use of the word "fuck". But what really stands out is the liberal use of the C word. Now, some may question whether this word is ever used so frequently, and I only use it in this blog when someone or something really gets my goat (Simon Cowell, Iraqi terrorists, Maggie Thatcher, Davina McCall, Car Park attendants, Doctors receptionists etc), who can only be fittingly described using the C word. But go to London, stand in The Mitre just up the road from Stamford Bridge, and yes you'll hear as many C's as F's. No one uses the MF phrase because none really think they're Americans. Besides, it's too long a word for most. The story is simple, the usual "footie fan lives for punch ups on Saturday, likes casual sex, drinks Lager and does a few lines or tabs but starts to question his existence" and follows a narrative stream starting with his nearly being beaten to death by Millwall fans. Cue flashback 3 weeks and the events leading to the beating start to unfurl. Like I say, lashings of violence, realistically portrayed, with dark humour and some spot on acting, especially from the superb Frank Harper as Billy Bright, the psychotic number 2, and Tamer Hassan as the leader of the Millwall boys. The argument they have at their sons football match is priceless. Overall, a 9/10 and worth it even for the "Making of.." documentary where the language is just as bad, and you discover the fight scenes were shot using real, well known former hooligans.
Not one for the girls though...unless they are very broadminded and not squeamish.
Later, GrocerJack
Friday, November 19, 2004
...and there's more....
Oh yeah, and on Blankety fucking arse-wipe Blank....as crap as it was the panellists did try and get into the spirit of things...except one. That corruptor of modern music, that doyen of c-list celebrity, that destroyer of dreams and all round cunt, Simon Cowell. He sat there thinking it was smart to be rude, to play the part of the panto villain, the hate figure. No doubt whilst creaming off a few quid as a nice fat appearnance fee. Well Cowell, it worked..I fucking hate you. You're a wanker of the highest order. Keep playing the part son, because one day someone is gonna fucking cop you an unfortunate one. And I for one will act as character witness at their defence trial on behalf of all decent caring people.
On a lighter note...Baby wants the Greenday album, but it is full of explicit lyrics. She's 9 and to be honest I'm well chuffed because her taste is showing signs of being quite......discerning. Do I buy her an album strewn with swear words? I've downloaded the superb American Idiot for her, but even that version has a bleep in it. Any views? Do I encourage her musical growth into this area and allow the swear words album to be part of her collection? Or do I risk a future of shite bollocks RnB , rap and fucking boy/girl band factory produced crap?
Later GrocerJack
Oh yeah, and on Blankety fucking arse-wipe Blank....as crap as it was the panellists did try and get into the spirit of things...except one. That corruptor of modern music, that doyen of c-list celebrity, that destroyer of dreams and all round cunt, Simon Cowell. He sat there thinking it was smart to be rude, to play the part of the panto villain, the hate figure. No doubt whilst creaming off a few quid as a nice fat appearnance fee. Well Cowell, it worked..I fucking hate you. You're a wanker of the highest order. Keep playing the part son, because one day someone is gonna fucking cop you an unfortunate one. And I for one will act as character witness at their defence trial on behalf of all decent caring people.
On a lighter note...Baby wants the Greenday album, but it is full of explicit lyrics. She's 9 and to be honest I'm well chuffed because her taste is showing signs of being quite......discerning. Do I buy her an album strewn with swear words? I've downloaded the superb American Idiot for her, but even that version has a bleep in it. Any views? Do I encourage her musical growth into this area and allow the swear words album to be part of her collection? Or do I risk a future of shite bollocks RnB , rap and fucking boy/girl band factory produced crap?
Later GrocerJack
What a load of bollocks.....
I don't mean to sound like a killjoy...but after one hour of watching the BBC's Children in Need I want to slice the top of my skull off, open the lid and scoop my brains into an acid filled food processor using a rusty ice cream scoop and switch it on whilst open to fully scatter them around the room. I have no qualms about the cause which is worthy enough, but to inflict it via a TV programme of such shocking amateurism and banality is beyond the Pudsey pale. So far tonight, I have watched Westlife perform some old song whilst dressed in DJ's, perhaps pre-emepting a move into the "music for old people" arena, where Old People's homes can be filled with the delights of these five knobbers singing their safe bollocks shite all night. Then Natasha Bedingfield.....what a looker, but what a piss poor performance from Stirling Castle...whats up love (duck for those in the Mansfield area) ..a bit too cold for you. At least put some fucking effort in. Christ even Baby said "whats up with her voice, can't she sing louder?". Rolf Harris did his Jake the Peg routine which bought back memories of an innocent period in Jacks life, when Rolf had his own Saturday night peak time entertainment show, featuring his resident dance troupe "The Young Generation". I liked that bit and I even convinced Baby that he really did have three legs.......or maybe she was stringing me along....just to humour her Dad. Can a 9 year old have a concept of humouring someone?
Then I finally gave up when they staged a faux version of that hoary old chestnut "Blankety Blank". It may be my perception but throughout the whole night I got the distinct impression that Terry Wogan
1.) hates Gabby Roslin - his co-presenter
2.) is sick of doing this
3.) has become an old curmudgeon
4.) is a parody of himself
5.) is not, and never was funny
Blankety Blank was unfunny, amateurish rubbish. That wa s 10 years ago, but this one tonight was 10 times worse! it was an utterly complete, fucked up collage of total knob cheese bollocks. Even the sublime talents of Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens couldn't rescue this knocked together insult to my intelligence and sense of humour..
So , before my weekly appointment with several pints of overpriced Guinness in underfilled glasses I felt the need to eject some much built up internal vitriol. A message to the BBC - If you want to get people to phone in and pledge then for fucks sake stop broadcasting this complacent, formulaic, ham-fisted, unfunny, patronising bollocks. Put some fucking effort in and you'll get loads of doantions, but if you think people are going to pledge money to watch any old dog turd sketches and "artistes" you are going to be very wrong, very soon.
Later GrocerJack
I don't mean to sound like a killjoy...but after one hour of watching the BBC's Children in Need I want to slice the top of my skull off, open the lid and scoop my brains into an acid filled food processor using a rusty ice cream scoop and switch it on whilst open to fully scatter them around the room. I have no qualms about the cause which is worthy enough, but to inflict it via a TV programme of such shocking amateurism and banality is beyond the Pudsey pale. So far tonight, I have watched Westlife perform some old song whilst dressed in DJ's, perhaps pre-emepting a move into the "music for old people" arena, where Old People's homes can be filled with the delights of these five knobbers singing their safe bollocks shite all night. Then Natasha Bedingfield.....what a looker, but what a piss poor performance from Stirling Castle...whats up love (duck for those in the Mansfield area) ..a bit too cold for you. At least put some fucking effort in. Christ even Baby said "whats up with her voice, can't she sing louder?". Rolf Harris did his Jake the Peg routine which bought back memories of an innocent period in Jacks life, when Rolf had his own Saturday night peak time entertainment show, featuring his resident dance troupe "The Young Generation". I liked that bit and I even convinced Baby that he really did have three legs.......or maybe she was stringing me along....just to humour her Dad. Can a 9 year old have a concept of humouring someone?
Then I finally gave up when they staged a faux version of that hoary old chestnut "Blankety Blank". It may be my perception but throughout the whole night I got the distinct impression that Terry Wogan
1.) hates Gabby Roslin - his co-presenter
2.) is sick of doing this
3.) has become an old curmudgeon
4.) is a parody of himself
5.) is not, and never was funny
Blankety Blank was unfunny, amateurish rubbish. That wa s 10 years ago, but this one tonight was 10 times worse! it was an utterly complete, fucked up collage of total knob cheese bollocks. Even the sublime talents of Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens couldn't rescue this knocked together insult to my intelligence and sense of humour..
So , before my weekly appointment with several pints of overpriced Guinness in underfilled glasses I felt the need to eject some much built up internal vitriol. A message to the BBC - If you want to get people to phone in and pledge then for fucks sake stop broadcasting this complacent, formulaic, ham-fisted, unfunny, patronising bollocks. Put some fucking effort in and you'll get loads of doantions, but if you think people are going to pledge money to watch any old dog turd sketches and "artistes" you are going to be very wrong, very soon.
Later GrocerJack
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Newsflash......
According to Reuters, the body of an unnamed sad old man with long white hair, and a white beard has been found on the beach at the resort of Torremelinos. He was clutching a carefully folded red suit with white trim. Witnesses have said he had been walking down the beach earlier in the evening.eating a mince pie and swigging from a bottle of Sherry. He was sobbing as he did so. Police do not consider the death to be suspicious.
Later, GrocerJack
According to Reuters, the body of an unnamed sad old man with long white hair, and a white beard has been found on the beach at the resort of Torremelinos. He was clutching a carefully folded red suit with white trim. Witnesses have said he had been walking down the beach earlier in the evening.eating a mince pie and swigging from a bottle of Sherry. He was sobbing as he did so. Police do not consider the death to be suspicious.
Later, GrocerJack
Christmas......in the 21st Century....
Dear Jack the Grocer,
Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!
Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .
During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.
The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.
Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!
No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.
We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.
Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)
*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.
** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!
*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.
**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.
***** Later, GrocerJack
Dear Jack the Grocer,
Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!
Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .
During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.
The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.
Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!
No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.
We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.
Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)
*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.
** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!
*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.
**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.
***** Later, GrocerJack
Friday, November 12, 2004
Letter to the real Santa................
Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.
1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)
2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.
3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.
4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.
I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........
10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99
1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99
1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99
1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99
1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99
1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99
1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99
Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.
Later , Grocerjack
Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.
1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)
2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.
3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.
4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.
I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........
10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99
1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99
1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99
1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99
1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99
1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99
1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99
Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.
Later , Grocerjack
Is Christmas near then?
A pub in Winchester has it's Christmas lights up. I saw it last night on my way home. Then as I drove past the Village Pottery I noticed they had theirs on as well. So it must already be December then? I must dash off and get some new bells for my sleigh, and collect my favourite red suit from Sketchley's. .Ho Ho fucking ho.
In a future post the things that make my Christmas Hell and my Christmas Heaven.
Later GrocerSanta
A pub in Winchester has it's Christmas lights up. I saw it last night on my way home. Then as I drove past the Village Pottery I noticed they had theirs on as well. So it must already be December then? I must dash off and get some new bells for my sleigh, and collect my favourite red suit from Sketchley's. .Ho Ho fucking ho.
In a future post the things that make my Christmas Hell and my Christmas Heaven.
Later GrocerSanta
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Enough......
With this happiness! With this contentment!
Argos fucked up my Christmas shopping order, so therefore my faith in the unswerving inability of technology to provide for my needs in this wireless, on-line, digital, mobile, infomation rich, multi-media, video on demand, business on demand, eco-friendly, energy efficient, recyclable, organic, just in time, secured server and broadband enabled world is restored.
Now, where's that fucking Betterware catalogue.........
Later GrocerJack
With this happiness! With this contentment!
Argos fucked up my Christmas shopping order, so therefore my faith in the unswerving inability of technology to provide for my needs in this wireless, on-line, digital, mobile, infomation rich, multi-media, video on demand, business on demand, eco-friendly, energy efficient, recyclable, organic, just in time, secured server and broadband enabled world is restored.
Now, where's that fucking Betterware catalogue.........
Later GrocerJack
The bits of songs that make great music...........
Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - stunning guitar riff immortalised in the Top of the Pops theme - even better after a joint.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd (Dave Gilmour) - the "live" version on Delicate Sound of Thunder is sensational with guitar you think couldn't get any higher before dogs go mad
Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix (errr....Jimi Hendrix) - Ironic patriotism? Nuff said
Bad - U2 - see the Live Aid version - tell me Bono can't hold an audience
Whisky in the Jar - Thin Lizzy (Gary Moore) - great intro, great song
Running Down the Dream - Tom Petty (Tom Petty) - the best guitar for driving to, fantastic way to finish a song
Moonage Daydream - David Bowie (Mick Ronson) - sorely missed Mick made this song with his understated guitar playing
Teenage Wasteland - The Who - one of the best intro's ever - Daltreys voice has rarely been better
Hotel California - The Eagles (Joe Walsh) - why people knock this is beyond me, timeless
Bron-y-Aur - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - so you thought they were "heavy" - stunningly beautiful guitar work
Will You - Hazel O' Connor - the best, absolute BEST Sax solo anywhere, EVER. The End.
Waiting for a Friend - Rolling Stones - almost as good as above
Money - Pink Floyd - The first real sax I ever heard - marvellous, and even better live
Candidate - David Bowie - smoky sax intro, sleaxe personified in a song ..."I'll make you a deal like any other candidate, we'll pretend your walking home coz your futures at stake"
Almaz - Randy Crawford - the human female voice when it hits perfection
Paradise City - Guns n Roses - what an intro, bang that head damn you
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses - currently being used as the backing song in the ad for Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas - that should secure a re-release
Can't take my eyes off of you - Andy Williams - are you really trying to say you've never sung this when drunk? Not trendy, but fuck me this bloke can sing.
The Winner Takes it All - Sung beuaitfully by a woman with a fantastic voice and how sad is this song? Never felt like this? Liar! And for the geezers...didn't you just want to be the one to cash in on the blonde ones sorrow and show her what a real bloke was like?
Goodbye to Love - The Carpenters - Karen Carpenter's voice is so hauntingly beautiful, soppy but great.
Politik - Coldplay - this is proof that fucking good music can still be written today. Play loudly, in a car and sing, sing , sing.
Riders on the Storm - The Doors - some of the best piano/keyboard ever and Jim Morrisons voice at its best. Again, fantastic after a joint.
Liquidator - Harry J and the Allstars - not one particular piece of this satnds out but guaranteed to get the party moving
How Soon is Now - The Smiths - Johnny Marr's atmospheric guitar with Morriseys depressing tones make this a misery's masterpiece.
Later GrocerJack
Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - stunning guitar riff immortalised in the Top of the Pops theme - even better after a joint.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd (Dave Gilmour) - the "live" version on Delicate Sound of Thunder is sensational with guitar you think couldn't get any higher before dogs go mad
Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix (errr....Jimi Hendrix) - Ironic patriotism? Nuff said
Bad - U2 - see the Live Aid version - tell me Bono can't hold an audience
Whisky in the Jar - Thin Lizzy (Gary Moore) - great intro, great song
Running Down the Dream - Tom Petty (Tom Petty) - the best guitar for driving to, fantastic way to finish a song
Moonage Daydream - David Bowie (Mick Ronson) - sorely missed Mick made this song with his understated guitar playing
Teenage Wasteland - The Who - one of the best intro's ever - Daltreys voice has rarely been better
Hotel California - The Eagles (Joe Walsh) - why people knock this is beyond me, timeless
Bron-y-Aur - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - so you thought they were "heavy" - stunningly beautiful guitar work
Will You - Hazel O' Connor - the best, absolute BEST Sax solo anywhere, EVER. The End.
Waiting for a Friend - Rolling Stones - almost as good as above
Money - Pink Floyd - The first real sax I ever heard - marvellous, and even better live
Candidate - David Bowie - smoky sax intro, sleaxe personified in a song ..."I'll make you a deal like any other candidate, we'll pretend your walking home coz your futures at stake"
Almaz - Randy Crawford - the human female voice when it hits perfection
Paradise City - Guns n Roses - what an intro, bang that head damn you
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses - currently being used as the backing song in the ad for Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas - that should secure a re-release
Can't take my eyes off of you - Andy Williams - are you really trying to say you've never sung this when drunk? Not trendy, but fuck me this bloke can sing.
The Winner Takes it All - Sung beuaitfully by a woman with a fantastic voice and how sad is this song? Never felt like this? Liar! And for the geezers...didn't you just want to be the one to cash in on the blonde ones sorrow and show her what a real bloke was like?
Goodbye to Love - The Carpenters - Karen Carpenter's voice is so hauntingly beautiful, soppy but great.
Politik - Coldplay - this is proof that fucking good music can still be written today. Play loudly, in a car and sing, sing , sing.
Riders on the Storm - The Doors - some of the best piano/keyboard ever and Jim Morrisons voice at its best. Again, fantastic after a joint.
Liquidator - Harry J and the Allstars - not one particular piece of this satnds out but guaranteed to get the party moving
How Soon is Now - The Smiths - Johnny Marr's atmospheric guitar with Morriseys depressing tones make this a misery's masterpiece.
Later GrocerJack
Jack has been busy…….
Remember when I used to be able to post every day? Remember when I was prolifically writing stuff because my role had changed within The Company and my days were filled with so little to do that boredom and frustration allowed me to vent my feelings with real passion? Remember when my creative thread was fed by the feeling of being cast aside by The Sandman into the wilds of a meaningless and unproductive raison d’etre?
Well, now my role over that 7 month halcyon period has become very different. And it’s heading in the direction of
The last few weeks have been even harder than normal really because this week saw the launch of The Company’s highly expensive new Pipes, Tubes and Strings technology for which the Nanny Government striped us of £6 billion for the privilege to use. Once we had paid that money of course our shares, which constitute my only savings policy (pension aside) went into freefall because The City (I need a nickname for those freeloading scumbags) decided we had “overpaid” for the licence. Hmmm….damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Pay the price for the licence, dictated by the Governments fantastically business (un)friendly auction, or ignore it and have The Scatmunchers (nickname for The City) sit there and destroy the company, and with it my pension, savings and income for not having any future technology strategy. I am no huge Corporate fellatio provider, but The Company really could not win on this score and despite my, albeit champagne, socialist leanings, when someone threatens my lifestyle I suddenly become the most selfish bastard in the world. I
I digress. I guess my point here is that as I become gradually busier the harder it is to post. Also, the less miserable at work I am (and I am rather enjoying the majority of the activity increase) the less inspired I am to write and take the piss. It’s a bit like songwriters never writing good songs when they’re happy. You need angst, pain, frustration, anger in order to sometimes write the better stuff.
I guess the moral here is that…happiness makes you dull.
Later GrocerJack
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
This Weeks Work of Art - Picasso's Enfants a cheval au Roulettes. I don't know why I like Picasso, it seems so...obvious, but when I first got this bug for Art I found this stuff more challenging and I suppose it led me into my fascination for more the avant-garde works. One thing is never in doubt, Picasso's works always make the viewer question exactly what was in the artists mind when he painted it , Later GrocerJack
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Weekend observations……
Guinness is good for you: Well it must be because I went out on Friday, had a skinful, had more when I got in, went to bed at 02:00 (yup, quite big and quite clever) got up at 7:45 Saturday morning, played golf, scored a very creditable 34 points and had no real hangover worth worrying about.
Party Runs: So, my weekend job is to run my kids between parties is it? How much fun it was to find out on Saturday that Baby had two parties to attend, one from 18:00 until 19:30 and the other from 19:30 until 21:30. Both locations 15 miles apart. Oh what a fun Saturday night that was. Just to complete the misery, it pissed with rain. I fucking hate the clocks going back, the dark long nights, the poxy rain-sodden winter, the increased traffic.
I am a summer person. I need the sun on my back.
It appears this guy (Brian Drysdale, 48, a chef at Wokefield Park Golf Club) was determined to die – if it hadn’t been at Ufton Nervet then it would have been somewhere else. I just wish people who want to commit suicide would take a bottle of pills, drink a bottle of whisky, lock themselves away and die quietly without killing or injuring others as well. We had a “jumper” near a bridge on a motorway by our village a few weeks ago – he was hit by a lorry, but the resulting accident caused quite a few cars to come off the road or collide with others. No-one else was physically hurt, luckily enough, although God knows what scars the lorry driver will carry in his mind for the rest of his life. The sickening thing was the fucking shrine of flowers that his undoubtedly upset friends and relatives made on the bridge. One wonders what world these people exist in, but would they have done the same if jumper man had killed others in his act of desperation and utter selfishness?
Later GrocerJack
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Scary stuff......
Now I used to be a big conspiracy theorist but over the years my cynicism had become dulled thus removing one of the last allegedly slightly rebellious stances I had. Yes, we did land on the Moon and not in a Hollywood Studio, yes Lee Harvey Oswald did shoot JFK from the book repository despite Oliver Stone's claims in his excellent film. Princess Diana did die in a car accident at the hands of a drunken Frenchman and not because of some sort of Secret Service plot. All of the counter- theories for these incidents seemed plausible to me, after all we believe what our eyes tell us and we form beliefs based on the evidence presented to us, which for the most part is via the press or Broadcast media. I had at one stage thought that the Internet would be a strengthening cause for those of us who questioned what we were being told, but no.....even the impetus of that seems to have died in a sea of abject Apathy. At least I thought this had died in my mind until I saw the superb BBC's Power of Nightmares programme last night. In fact last night was the last of three episodes and was a damning indictment if just how apathetic, gullible and malleable we as a society in the West have become.
The basic premise was that politicians over the years have met with more and more disinterest and disrespect for their powers of government. Effectively they have failed to deliver what they have promised which has led to the people becoming disillusioned. Ultimately the importance of politics within our lives became marginalised, and with this the power the politicians held became less and less. Of course, politicians only enter this line of work because they want power, no matter how altruistic they make it sound about wanting to improve society/lessen poverty/ drive down crime etc etc. Ultimately to try and execute these altruistic and honourable principles you need the power to implement them, which means you must be greedy in some way to gain power and then implemt your priciples, even against the will of large numbers of people, because as a politician YOU know best. Especially if you're a Labour politician. Labour politicians know that it is wrong for consenting adults to watch porn (fuck each others brains out, for sure, but don't watch others doing it), or gamble in casino's (because apparently we're all a bunch of latent fuckwit gambling addicts - oh and lets not forget if Labour had been in power there would have been no National Lottery - all the good causes would have been funded by higher taxes imposed on unwitting hard working overtaxed people like me) , or drink (because at 22:55 I am old enough and responsible enough to drink in a pub, but at 23:01 apparently I am no longer capable of drinking responsibly). I could go on but I think you all known how much it pains me to be essentially socialist and yet have to put up with the fucking Bleeding Heart Nanny Government we have now, full of do-gooders like Clare MiseryGuts Short, Frank Twat Dobson , Austin "people can't be trusted" Mitchell et al. All of them chips off the old "we know whats best for you, better than you do" block.
Anyway, I digress. The point is that the programme put the view across that to really gain power, the various governments had to do something. And so, the Neo-conservative, fundamental Christian power base in the US gained favour. They had one problem though, since the disintegration of the USSR, there was no real enemy anymore. They could no longer assert their power by giving good God Fearing US citizens something else to fear in God's rather prolonged absence from our view. Enter Stage Left - Al-Qaida. There was so much detail in last nights programme it would take a blog of monumental proportions to explain the intricacies. The essence was that Al-Qaida themselves were only "formed" because of the failure of Osama Bin Laden and his mentor (whose name I forget) to instigate hard line Fundamental Islamic revolutions in the Middle East and Europe. OBL and his mate decided that Muslim minds had been poisoned and brainwashed by Western culture and lifestyle, and as such declared the new enemy to be those very influences, primarily America and her allies, but Christians and Jews in general as well. However , all OBL has ever been capable of doing was assisting with funding and all the evidence seems to be that the US built Al-Qaida up to be a cellular, hidden, effective, clever and well organised network of terrrorists hell bent on destroying the West.
They had their new enemy!
Al-Quaida on the other hand, found their cause getting world wide publicity thus gaining them new followers to the idea of fundamental Islam, although the programme proved that their alleged sophistication was non-existent, and that the infamous cave bombing exercises in Afghanistan for example, were based on an article written in The Times by a knobber journo claiming these hidden cave hideaways were complete with sophisticated computer systems, air conditioning, secret exits and entrances, planning rooms, accomodation etc. Yep, it turns out they were in fact just...caves! And another lie smashed last night - the myth of the devastation caused by a "dirty bomb". Yeah, the conventional bomb lined with radioactive material that we hear about almost evry week. Apparently people would die from the bomb explosion, but the radioactive material would be so widely dispersed by the explosion that barely anyone with a decent Geiger counter would notice the difference between the fallout of the bomb and a particularly sunny day in Brighton! No bomb site would be closed for very long because of radiation, and in fact anyone nearby would more than likely have any radioactive debris removed by simply having a shower.
And so for the past four years we have a had the most powerful nation on Earth run by a neo-conservative, fundamental christian government, playing a deadly game against an artificially created enemy of convenience whose creation was formed from similar circumstances as that of the US Government. Christians disillusioned at the moral collapse of Western society and the appeasement of other religions and cultures, Muslims disgusted by the apathy and apparent corruption of their own societies and people because they believed they could reconcile their beliefs with Western lifestyles.
The overriding point of the programme seemd to be that if politicians create a climate of fear amongst the populace then they have restored their power over us. They create a climate of fear by peddling an incessant stream of stories of doom, terror, economic hard times, environmental crises, we then fall in line in order to be safe and sound. The line is now "vote for us, do as we say, and we will protect you from the evil ones". No matter that the alleged evil may be a tiny risk to all of us, or even non-existent. Of course, we're not that daft or gullible are we? Unless of course you see the result of the US Elections yesterday, in which a sizeable majority (the biggest for some time) voted Dubya back in. His campaign was based on what? Yep, how he was the only one capable of protecting the US from the evil of terrorism. And is there any doubt Tony Bliar (sic) will get in next year? No credible alternative and his sizeable majority will not be overturned, especially when Middle England picks up the message of "protection from evil".
My faith in well written and thought out conspiracies has been truly restored by this marvellous programme.
Later, unless of course someone's out to get me, GrocerJack the Great Protector
Now I used to be a big conspiracy theorist but over the years my cynicism had become dulled thus removing one of the last allegedly slightly rebellious stances I had. Yes, we did land on the Moon and not in a Hollywood Studio, yes Lee Harvey Oswald did shoot JFK from the book repository despite Oliver Stone's claims in his excellent film. Princess Diana did die in a car accident at the hands of a drunken Frenchman and not because of some sort of Secret Service plot. All of the counter- theories for these incidents seemed plausible to me, after all we believe what our eyes tell us and we form beliefs based on the evidence presented to us, which for the most part is via the press or Broadcast media. I had at one stage thought that the Internet would be a strengthening cause for those of us who questioned what we were being told, but no.....even the impetus of that seems to have died in a sea of abject Apathy. At least I thought this had died in my mind until I saw the superb BBC's Power of Nightmares programme last night. In fact last night was the last of three episodes and was a damning indictment if just how apathetic, gullible and malleable we as a society in the West have become.
The basic premise was that politicians over the years have met with more and more disinterest and disrespect for their powers of government. Effectively they have failed to deliver what they have promised which has led to the people becoming disillusioned. Ultimately the importance of politics within our lives became marginalised, and with this the power the politicians held became less and less. Of course, politicians only enter this line of work because they want power, no matter how altruistic they make it sound about wanting to improve society/lessen poverty/ drive down crime etc etc. Ultimately to try and execute these altruistic and honourable principles you need the power to implement them, which means you must be greedy in some way to gain power and then implemt your priciples, even against the will of large numbers of people, because as a politician YOU know best. Especially if you're a Labour politician. Labour politicians know that it is wrong for consenting adults to watch porn (fuck each others brains out, for sure, but don't watch others doing it), or gamble in casino's (because apparently we're all a bunch of latent fuckwit gambling addicts - oh and lets not forget if Labour had been in power there would have been no National Lottery - all the good causes would have been funded by higher taxes imposed on unwitting hard working overtaxed people like me) , or drink (because at 22:55 I am old enough and responsible enough to drink in a pub, but at 23:01 apparently I am no longer capable of drinking responsibly). I could go on but I think you all known how much it pains me to be essentially socialist and yet have to put up with the fucking Bleeding Heart Nanny Government we have now, full of do-gooders like Clare MiseryGuts Short, Frank Twat Dobson , Austin "people can't be trusted" Mitchell et al. All of them chips off the old "we know whats best for you, better than you do" block.
Anyway, I digress. The point is that the programme put the view across that to really gain power, the various governments had to do something. And so, the Neo-conservative, fundamental Christian power base in the US gained favour. They had one problem though, since the disintegration of the USSR, there was no real enemy anymore. They could no longer assert their power by giving good God Fearing US citizens something else to fear in God's rather prolonged absence from our view. Enter Stage Left - Al-Qaida. There was so much detail in last nights programme it would take a blog of monumental proportions to explain the intricacies. The essence was that Al-Qaida themselves were only "formed" because of the failure of Osama Bin Laden and his mentor (whose name I forget) to instigate hard line Fundamental Islamic revolutions in the Middle East and Europe. OBL and his mate decided that Muslim minds had been poisoned and brainwashed by Western culture and lifestyle, and as such declared the new enemy to be those very influences, primarily America and her allies, but Christians and Jews in general as well. However , all OBL has ever been capable of doing was assisting with funding and all the evidence seems to be that the US built Al-Qaida up to be a cellular, hidden, effective, clever and well organised network of terrrorists hell bent on destroying the West.
They had their new enemy!
Al-Quaida on the other hand, found their cause getting world wide publicity thus gaining them new followers to the idea of fundamental Islam, although the programme proved that their alleged sophistication was non-existent, and that the infamous cave bombing exercises in Afghanistan for example, were based on an article written in The Times by a knobber journo claiming these hidden cave hideaways were complete with sophisticated computer systems, air conditioning, secret exits and entrances, planning rooms, accomodation etc. Yep, it turns out they were in fact just...caves! And another lie smashed last night - the myth of the devastation caused by a "dirty bomb". Yeah, the conventional bomb lined with radioactive material that we hear about almost evry week. Apparently people would die from the bomb explosion, but the radioactive material would be so widely dispersed by the explosion that barely anyone with a decent Geiger counter would notice the difference between the fallout of the bomb and a particularly sunny day in Brighton! No bomb site would be closed for very long because of radiation, and in fact anyone nearby would more than likely have any radioactive debris removed by simply having a shower.
And so for the past four years we have a had the most powerful nation on Earth run by a neo-conservative, fundamental christian government, playing a deadly game against an artificially created enemy of convenience whose creation was formed from similar circumstances as that of the US Government. Christians disillusioned at the moral collapse of Western society and the appeasement of other religions and cultures, Muslims disgusted by the apathy and apparent corruption of their own societies and people because they believed they could reconcile their beliefs with Western lifestyles.
The overriding point of the programme seemd to be that if politicians create a climate of fear amongst the populace then they have restored their power over us. They create a climate of fear by peddling an incessant stream of stories of doom, terror, economic hard times, environmental crises, we then fall in line in order to be safe and sound. The line is now "vote for us, do as we say, and we will protect you from the evil ones". No matter that the alleged evil may be a tiny risk to all of us, or even non-existent. Of course, we're not that daft or gullible are we? Unless of course you see the result of the US Elections yesterday, in which a sizeable majority (the biggest for some time) voted Dubya back in. His campaign was based on what? Yep, how he was the only one capable of protecting the US from the evil of terrorism. And is there any doubt Tony Bliar (sic) will get in next year? No credible alternative and his sizeable majority will not be overturned, especially when Middle England picks up the message of "protection from evil".
My faith in well written and thought out conspiracies has been truly restored by this marvellous programme.
Later, unless of course someone's out to get me, GrocerJack the Great Protector
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do hard physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
Sometimes I work in a smelly environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
Sometimes I have to work in a very claustrophobic, drier and tighter place
I often have to work in a place where teeth exist
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Sometimes I have to work through the whole night
I often have to work at very short notice
Sometimes I have to work after having had a drink
I am constantly fiddled with by my owner
I spend a lot of time coiled up in a hot, tight pair of briefs
I am constantly having the piss taken out of me
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You are often not very clean
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You seem very eager to work for other people
You lied about your size on the application form
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
My thanks to CG for this
Later GrocerJack
Monday, November 01, 2004
If only.....
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...er...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand, chocolate in the other -- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Later, GrocerJack
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