Utter Shite, Bunch of Arse and Total Bollocks.......
I can barely contain my excitement! The company has decided that it is going to adopt some pile of festering dog turd called the Six Sigma methodology. This is outlined below and just has to be the single piece of Utter Shite, Bunch of Arse and Total bollocks I have ever read.
And I've read this four fucking times.
Six sigma is a disciplined methodology for improving organizations' processes, based on rigorous data gathering and analysis. The approach focuses on helping organizations produce products and services better, faster and cheaper by improving the capability of processes to meet customer requirements. Six sigma identifies and eliminates costs, which add no value to customers. Unlike simple cost-cutting programmes, however, six sigma delivers cost cuts whilst retaining or improving value to the customer.
The term six sigma is based on a statistical rationale. Six-sigma performance is the goal and equates to 3.4 defects per million process, product or service opportunities. The focus is on reducing variability to achieve the goal.
The six sigma breakthrough strategy involves a 'Define-Measure-Analyse-Improve-Control' (DMAIC) methodology broadly based on the Shewhart plan-do-check-act cycle.
The strategy takes an organization's key business processes through five phases to deliver breakthroughs in performance:
phase 1: Define - involves defining the scope and goals of the improvement project in terms of customer requirements and the process that delivers these requirements
phase 2: Measure - involves measuring the current process performance -input, output and process - and calculating the sigma capability for short and longer-term process capability
phase 3: Analyse - involves identifying the gap between the current and desired performance, prioritising problems and identifying root causes of problems. Benchmarking the process outputs, products or services, against recognized benchmark standards of performance may also be carried out
phase 4: Improve - involves generating the improvement solutions and fixing problems to prevent them from recurring so that the required financial and other performance goals are met
phase 5: Control - involves implementing the improved process in a way that 'holds the gains'. Standards of operation will be documented in systems such as ISO 9000. After a 'running-in' period, the process capability is calculated again to establish whether the performance gains are being sustained. The cycle is repeated, if further performance shortfalls are identified.
Whatever happened to the GrocerJack Principle called GOFPOCS - Good Old Fashioned Plain Old Common Sense? Oh and the so called "Shewhart" principle is called Plan/Do/Review at Baby's school. My question is who thinks this sort of bollocks up? Does anybody ever really take any fucking notice? Proof, if ever it was needed that we live in a society where words speak louder than actions.
I can barely contain my excitement! The company has decided that it is going to adopt some pile of festering dog turd called the Six Sigma methodology. This is outlined below and just has to be the single piece of Utter Shite, Bunch of Arse and Total bollocks I have ever read.
And I've read this four fucking times.
Six sigma is a disciplined methodology for improving organizations' processes, based on rigorous data gathering and analysis. The approach focuses on helping organizations produce products and services better, faster and cheaper by improving the capability of processes to meet customer requirements. Six sigma identifies and eliminates costs, which add no value to customers. Unlike simple cost-cutting programmes, however, six sigma delivers cost cuts whilst retaining or improving value to the customer.
The term six sigma is based on a statistical rationale. Six-sigma performance is the goal and equates to 3.4 defects per million process, product or service opportunities. The focus is on reducing variability to achieve the goal.
The six sigma breakthrough strategy involves a 'Define-Measure-Analyse-Improve-Control' (DMAIC) methodology broadly based on the Shewhart plan-do-check-act cycle.
The strategy takes an organization's key business processes through five phases to deliver breakthroughs in performance:
phase 1: Define - involves defining the scope and goals of the improvement project in terms of customer requirements and the process that delivers these requirements
phase 2: Measure - involves measuring the current process performance -input, output and process - and calculating the sigma capability for short and longer-term process capability
phase 3: Analyse - involves identifying the gap between the current and desired performance, prioritising problems and identifying root causes of problems. Benchmarking the process outputs, products or services, against recognized benchmark standards of performance may also be carried out
phase 4: Improve - involves generating the improvement solutions and fixing problems to prevent them from recurring so that the required financial and other performance goals are met
phase 5: Control - involves implementing the improved process in a way that 'holds the gains'. Standards of operation will be documented in systems such as ISO 9000. After a 'running-in' period, the process capability is calculated again to establish whether the performance gains are being sustained. The cycle is repeated, if further performance shortfalls are identified.
Whatever happened to the GrocerJack Principle called GOFPOCS - Good Old Fashioned Plain Old Common Sense? Oh and the so called "Shewhart" principle is called Plan/Do/Review at Baby's school. My question is who thinks this sort of bollocks up? Does anybody ever really take any fucking notice? Proof, if ever it was needed that we live in a society where words speak louder than actions.
The saddest thing is that I'm sure there are corporate cock sucking fuckers out there who'll get a hard on, or find the pantie area moistening just by reading this. Pornographic writing for High Flying Achievers.
Later, GrocerJack
8 comments:
Thanks Grocerjack.
I thought I'd never ever hear of six sigma ever again.
Now you've thrown it back in my face.
Urgh.
I have my own work methodology that has served me well:
(i) Make genuine friends that will last beyond a work contract.
(ii) Be helpful to 'members of the pubic' - these are your friends!
(iii) Undermine management at ALL times.
Six Sigma shit? Stick it.
We have this bollocks aswell.
one of the "interesting" people I'm on cousre with told me over breakfast that he just got his lean six sigma yellow belt in talking shite or some other bollocks.
we've had loads of different shit like this over the years.
A company I used to work for introduced (bought in) an American system which completley f***ed up the whole workplace and cost them thousands of pounds, plus a big drop in morale.
I'm afraid if they had just left the GOFPOCS system in place, they would have had to shed a few management jobs.
Just about every corporation has a version of Six Sigma, the shit gets recycled and repackaged according to who's selling it. Its for lazy bosses who cant be arsed to step foot out of their air conditioned office to see whats happening in the real world, so they pay someone to talk to their staff for them.
Im thinking of selling my idea for a £1m per year retainer. What does everyone think?
Step 1. Listen to what your consumers want
Step 2. Talk to other people who work with you.
Step 3. Smile.
I think I'll call it Watstroi.
I think that combined with GOFPOCS we might have a winner, but that £1m per year is selling yourself way short. The strangest thing is that we apparently now have Green and Black Belts in Six Sigma to champion the cause. Great, that'll compliment my Black Belt in Origami, my Green Belt in Sushi, my Red Belt in Hitachi and my Blue Belt in Toshiba.
Later, Grocerjack
I got an email this week saying that the six sigma black belt for the "european parts project" has decided, "with immediate effect" that we no longer have to put antistatic warning labels on returned parts. Well whoop-de-fucking-do that should a save couple of quid a year, especially as the uk was the only branch in europe to do it anyway. See this stuff really is useful!
Seeing as this prat was a black belt, I wonder what the lower grades are in charge of?
It's just another vain attempt to codify common sense into a system that can be rote-learned by gormless MBA fuckwits. A bit like Prince2, which is designed for people who need a flow-chart to get dressed in the morning, but have a fancy name for putting socks on in the correct order.
It really cunts me off - especially when companies advertising management positions are actually specifying this brain diarrhoea in their jobs specs. "Must have talking bollocks, draining morale, and pissing-off-customers black belt."
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