London calling…..

Now let’s get this straight. I am not some sort of prodigal son returning to my home town after some massive absence, far from it. I visit bits of London from time to time to see friends or relatives. However, these visits are to the suburbs of Greater London, bits of the once proud counties of Middlesex and Surrey consumed by the voracious city as it expanded its population and geographical boundaries. Surrey still exists albeit smaller than before, but Middlesex is nothing but a postal address as it disappeared under the weight of boroughs like Ealing and Hillingdon. But this is the first time I have been back and been actively writing observations about aspects of my life, or of others lives and so I noticed things perhaps differently from before.

Bendy Buses – I am a big fan of the hop on/hop off Routemasters, after all they stopped directly outside my house on the 195 route until being replaced by the insidious single decker, driver controlled things that allowed a bloke called Stickley to ignore me and threaten my brothers at the bus stop. The other people in the queue were less than impressed with him. OK, so I’d nicked his girlfriend (my big regret was letting that one slip by), but hey life’s a bastard Stickley and sometimes women do want better looking blokes with some personality (yep, he was a dull, ignorant and monosyllabic pig so I’ll blow my trumpet on this one). Funny thing is when I fronted him in a pub once, his bottle went instantly (I was pissed though). At first glance the Bendies look good, with low floors, plenty of space and easy access for the less able people to get on and off. But the RM’s had quick loading times as fares were gathered once on the bus – by a conductor. I couldn’t tell but the Bendies appear to be driver controlled as well and this was one of the frustrations for the public, waiting minutes to get on an already late bus to be confronted by some ignorant fool with no change, who’d probably just turned a kid off because they were tuppence short for their journey home. Maybe it’s just my rose tinted memory at work. Anyway, have the Bendies got personality though? Maybe in 40 years, if they are reliable then perhaps people will regard them as fondly as the Routemasters. Time has a knack of making things attain character.

Cycle lanes – Christ! Where I am staying they’re everywhere, which is great for cyclists, but as a pedestrian not quite so easy to see as a taxi, car or bus. I can see the advantage of them though in encouraging people to use bikes, which around here must be the second fastest mode of transport after the tube.

The Northern Line – I caught this from Waterloo to Euston and the train was clean, quite, quick and …new! For the uninitiated the Northern Line was for many years the absolute arse end of the tube. How Stockwell was not renamed Mugger Central, or Elephant & Castle renamed Male Rape East I’ll never know. It was dingy, dark, unreliable (I’ve sat for 45 minutes before in complete darkness due to power failure between stations, an unbelievably scary experience with people too scared to move or talk) and dirty with piss and puke filled carriages rather the norm at night. But behold, this train was sparkly, shiny, graffiti free, with recorded announcements for the partially sighted about where they were and where they were heading. Very impressive.

Bus ticket machines – next to the stops! Put the money or card in, get ticket, get on bus – perhaps this is the method of reducing loading times? I may just try it out tomorrow to see how easy it is to use. Being a fuckwit though I’ll probably cock it up.

Starbucks – everywhere. Now I know what the press are going on about. Where I live I couldn’t even tell you where one existed, let alone the number within walking distance of where I am staying. Note to self - must try one out.

Other observations so far – The County Hotel, opposite where I am staying – advertising £40 for a single room for the night and £52 for a twin or double! In the Bloomsbury district? Even the Travel Inn starts at £80 quid. What sort of hotel is this? Should I know? Should I investigate? Does it do rooms by the ….ahem …..hour?

Kings Cross – what a magnificent building. Stunning façade undergoing some presumably much needed TLC. Still awesome though. Where have the hookers gone though? The area used to teem with them, but maybe it’s undergone a clean up. My mates and me used to collect/drop people off at the station and often used to enter into friendly banter with the girls whilst we waited or went for a pint. They always seemed good for a laugh and one couldn’t help feel quite protective of them. Maybe we were just being patronising or perhaps they never felt threatened by us.

The British Library – over time, over budget and what’s more it look like it’s been located inside an old Sainsbury’s. I’m not anti modern architecture but this is a seriously shit looking building. It’ll make the perfect site if they ever decide to have a HM Kings Cross prison. Doesn’t belong in the same fucking City as Kings Cross station let alone next door to it.

Tavistock Gardens Park and Russell Square – a little oasis near my hotel and a larger park one block beyond that. Like the communal gardens depicted in Notting Hill. Beautiful. Lovers kissing, kids playing, students reading, businessmen and women on mobiles…whispering, the obligatory drunk asleep on a bench with people ignoring him. The only places I’ve seen so far where people aren’t trying to get somewhere.

It seemed to me that I was the only person aimlessly wandering with no specific destination. Perhaps it’s because I have moved away and can now appreciate London, whereas before I took it for granted but so far it has shown to me that it has the romance and oddly warmth inducing charm of any city anywhere in the world. I doubt I could live here again but my heart has been won back and now I can comment positively. London is changing, as it always has done, but this seems to be distinctly for the better. An indictment of Mayor Ken’s reign perhaps?


Later, Grocerjack (in the only part of the bar with no anti-mobile lead cage coverage)