I had a meeting in London on Friday with The Big Telephone Company to showcase their new Retail Store technology. Impressive stuff, with such delights as “whispering windows” coming our way, along with Digital Signage and host of other tricks designed to part us with our cash. Because of this I thought the best thing would be to travel in by train, thus avoiding Cuddly Kens lovely little congestion charge and also giving myself a warm glow by virtue of just being a little greener than normal. I also rather enjoy travelling on trains. Must be the 10 year old in me that surfaces every now and then. So, I decided to buy my tickets in advance on the wonderful World Wide Web. I set off to www.southwesttrains.co.uk and duly ordered my One Day Travelcard for £39.30. This baulked a little although it was purchased with a Company expenses card. A rough calculation of the cost by car, including the congestion charge came to roughly £12.50. Hmmm, I’m already thinking that it’s no wonder we love our cars so much aftyer all it is still cheaper. Also, when I’m in the car I can play my music as loudly as I like, or even hold a conversation on the mobile (hands free of course) without having to suffer the disapproving tuts and raised eyebrows from fellow commuters. I can set the aircon to a level that’s comfortable for me. I can pick my nose, sing out loud, shout back at the radio and ogle the lovely women that walk down the road. In my car, I am King.
Anyway, the tickets turned up within 2 days. I was impressed with this turn round, but of course it was very short lived. What I received was 4 airline style tickets. One displayed my address and booking reference, one displayed my payment details, and two merely said “Reservation Confirmation”. I was suspicious immediately so I rang South West trains only to be told that it was nothing to do with them. I explained I had bought via their web site, but they explained that all their web site did was link to a selling agency called The Trainline.com. However the bloke I spoke to seemed to think something didn’t quite sound right with my travel pack. Slopy shouldered bastards thought I and thanked them before duly ringing The Trainline.com. Amazingly I got to speak to someone within 2 minutes and this person, who sounded Greek, stated in the clearest terms that this was correct and that all I had to do was show the guard and this would be all. I asked what happened at the tube barriers and he said I showed the tickets to the person attending the manual gates. I sighed with relief and put the phone down. However, another look at these so called “tickets” made me re-think his answer. I rang again and asked to speak to a supervisor. After 5 minutes of dial-a crap music I was put onto an authoritarian sounding woman who concurred with the earlier guy. I categorically stated my concerns yet again, and yet again she told me that what I had received was correct and valid for travel. Placated, I said my thanks and put the tickets away until last Friday. I boarded the 08:17 from Petersfield to London Waterloo at 08:15 (running very slightly early!) and sat down to enjoy the journey on the new lush, smooth rolling stock now in full service. Along came the jolly Scottish guard with his lilted Highlands accent, and yes….you’ve guessed it, he wanted to see my tickets, not these impostors. Luckily I’d had the foresight to print my email confirmation as well and explained to him what happened. He laughed and agreed that I had done everything right but he said they hadn’t issued a ticket to travel and that the London Underground staff would have no truck with me trying to travel without a ticket, irrespective of that documentary evidence I had. . I kept my cool as he was a decent bloke and he advised me to sort it out in the Travel Office in Waterloo. I arrived in London bang on 09:31 as per the timetable and went to the Travel Office. They kindly offered to ring The Trainline.com but it took 20 minutes for them to get to a human being. I was now going to be late for the meeting near St. Pauls, a mere 10 minute journey on the tube from Waterloo. When they did get through the computer system had allegedly crashed and would be out for an hour. Even the travel office bloke lost his rag at this point, slamming the phone down and saying “Thanks for nothing!”. He sold me a two-zone tube ticket to help me on my way and advised me to pop back in on my way home to get it sorted. I arrived for my meeting 40 minutes late.
After the meeting I went back to Waterloo, entering the Travel office at 14:20. I queued for 30 minutes whilst they downed tools at 14:30 and changed shifts. It was bloody incredible to watch EVERY cashier put the “Position Closed” up and then start counting the cash and putting it into their bags. At 14:50 I got to see another Travel Office “agent” freshly imported form the land of unfunny fuckwits and he finally agreed to call The Trainline but only after I threatened to lose it at his first suggestion of “You need to ring them mate!”. I completed a refund form for the tube ticket, and then waited for another 25 minutes until 15:15 whilst he went out the back to call them. I gather his experience was as frustrating as mine, but at no time did any of the other staff offer to get an update from him. In that time, standing there by the till resplendent in my best Chelsea coat, I was asked 3 times for directions to various bits of the station. It dawned on me that the coats colour scheme was very similar to that used by South West Trains staff. On a better day I might have been tempted to have some fun, but frankly I was so pissed off at this time they were lucky not to have copped an unfortunate one. Between 15:15 and 15:25 the guy then proceeded to complete the paperwork, completing everything in triplicate and duplicating it in a ledger book. It was like stepping into a 19th century Pox Doctors clerk’s office. All he was missing was an inkwell and a quill. And they can’t refund a card online. They can debit the card, but not credit it. Oh no, that takes 10 working days minimum and they don’t refund interest charges. Unbelievable!
He finally handed me a valid travel ticket at 15:25. I managed to just make the 15:30 express with a minute to spare. In all I lost around 2 hours of my working day because of the incompetence of Trainline combined with the paper based inefficiency and antiquated union dictated working practices of South West trains.
So, here’s the rub. I will of course complain to Trainline about their cock up and subsequent lies which ruined what should have been a stress free journey. It will lead to nothing of course because that’s how these companies operate, behind smoke and mirrors, in a labyrinthine world of caveats, terms and conditions, exceptions and small print. But the sad fact remains that had I taken my car in it would have cost less and most likely would have been quicker, and even if I’d hit traffic jams and delays I would have been in control. I could have turned the car round and taken a different route because in my car I am in control. If I hit traffic then I can only blame myself, if I am late or get lost then it’s my fault. Whichever mode of public transport you take, you will never have control over that journey. Your fate will always lie in the shadowy world of the travel company employees, be it by bus, plane or train. And believe me, most of these travel industry employees seem to have failed their MacDonald’s entrance exam. There is no doubt that until people feel they can sufficiently trust the public transport experience, and that it becomes something pleasant from start to finish without poxy delays before, during and after the journey caused by bureaucracy that makes a local authority look efficient, or dog-brained incompetence, then like me they will always choose the option that is the most flexible and least stressful. I'm with Clarkson on this one - the car is King, long live the King.
Later, GrocerJack
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