I could hardly believe my misfortune today. After the debacle of yesterday I had forgotten that today I was booked on a Line Managers workshop headed up by The Beachbabe. Another day of Corporate Gobbledygook Bollocks talk, faux thanks, Corporate Arslikhan and blow jobs, faux praise and stirring "rouse the troops" type speeches. How bad is the planning behind that? And me, working in a planning team as well. Anyway, it was the usual bollocks, with the usual "inter-active fun" element and the obligatory brainstorming session (or thought-shower as the facilitator called it....wanker). The difference however was that The Beachbabe is obviously well versed and expert in presenting to an audience. She was funny, slick, and dare I say it almost believable and almost inspiring. Perhaps if I wasn't permanently saddled with a Mask of Cynicism as part of my psyche, I would have fallen for it in the same way many of the David Brent wannabees did (whooping? What the fuck is that about? They're not American, or in sales, so why do it?...even The Beachbabe looked faintly embarrassed by it). I say David Brent and I mean it. These guys and in some cases women actually must have
a.) missed The Office
or......
b.) thought it was a training film
Anyway, despite being full of the usual shit I can't honestly say it was boring. The Beachbabe ran each session, invited open and honest comment. You barely noticed her touch the keyboard to flip each new slide over. Even the slides were succinct and to the point! Of course me being a Gobby Gobshite I was of course volunteered to present the key points from our table from a "brainstorming interactive fun bonding networking....lets do lunch sometime" session. And so, being "dressed down" (due to it being dress down Friday at the office...but we weren't in the office today, ergo I was the only one in jeans, biker boots and Chelsea T-shirt!) I stood in front of the 100 or so crowd, a mouth full of razor wire (see posts passim) and ...well...pretty much knocked them dead. I became Ben Elton like in my delivery, fast, furious and bloody funny. It was a moment where everything came out right and everything right came out. I berated myself for my dress code, I caveated that by saying that anyone who disliked it could meet me in the car park but needed to be aware that it was a shirt that signified being a member of The Chelsea Headhunters, about revenge from a former boss who is a Spurs fan plus lots of other bits including a "little bit of politics ladies and gentlemen", interspersed with hypocritical Corporate Gobbledygook Bollocks messages of my own. It was a moment I actually ENJOYED. It made me SMILE. And to cap it all The Beachbabe sought me out personally and took me to one side and said "Well done Jack (by name!), that was bloody brilliant". I smiled, went red, and stuttered some sort of crap reply, but really I was quite chuffed.
I showed some of the "presenters" from yesterday, including The Shepherd and The Schoolteacher, how to grab a crowd without any script, any prompting, just using sheer bloody belligerence and a "what the fuck" attitude that meant if I fucked up then so be it. I took a risk and it won't pay off job wise, but it will self confidence wise. What was the worst that could happen? Does this sound arrogant? Or is it just a surge in my own self belief that proves to me, if no-one else, that I'm not yet washed up.
If it is arrogance then my riposte will follow that of one of the finest TV characters ever created, Mister Anton Meyer, Surgical Consultant from Holby City, who in one episode said "There's nothing wrong with being arrogant....if you're right!" And so tonight its off for some Guinness raised in slight tribute to The Beachbabe, a fellow spirit in the field of keeping people interested whilst delivering Corporate Gobbledygook Bollocks. An unlikely and unsought kindred spirit removed by several levels of career hierarchy.
Later, PuffedUpJack
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