Look at this smile. Beautiful isn't it? It projects a personality thats confident, friendly, warm and helpful. The smile radiates inner confidence and says "isn't life great". It's an American smile of course, not a British one. British smiles are more crooked, more stained, more worn. That is of course a generalisation, but the fact remains that for whatever reasons we, the Brits, are not reknowned for our brilliant white smiles showing off our straight and dazzling pearly white teeth.
As I wrote a few weeks back I have decided that at 44, and having lived all of my adult life with crooked, higgledy piggledy teeth that now was the time to change that. A vanity attack finally won the day. Today was my first visit. I was under the imnpression that today was for the fitting and demonstration of an appliance ! (lovely choice of word dontcha think?) to go on my lower set of teeth whilst I eat. This is to force my jaw into reducing the angle with my upper jaw, or at the very least not allow it to increase more than is already there. Or something like that. In fact it turned out to be another visit for impressions and photo's. The next visit is on April 5th, 2 days before I bugger off for a week to see The Money Pit for the first time, and thats where the lower and upper appliances will be handed over. Apparently I am having a removable upper brace first before the fitting of the fixed appliance in May. Joy. I had one of these when I was about 12, and it bloody hurt and was a bugger to keep clean. During the day it would get clagged up with terrible food wastes and even a good clean at night was a eye opener as to how food decomposes. Mind you with my electric toothbrush perhaps that cleaning ritual will be easier. I would be looking forward to the installation of the fixed appliances but for one thing.....today's events. I can only describe today as a smear test for the mouth. Now I'm no expert but if Ben Elton is to be believed then a smear test is not as it sounds, a simple dab with a piece of cotton wool and a "thank you and goodbye". No. its the insertion of various appliances which open the vagina whilst another device is pushed inside in order to take the...ahem...smear. All very undignified, a little cold, very clinical and downright uncomfortable. Well, ditto that for me today. Except in my case replace Vagina with mouth and you're there. Now I'm NOT comparing the two, because quite frankly at least I can see whats going on and no-ones looking up my snatch as if it's a run of the mill event, but having things inserted into my mouth in order to stretch it as wide as possible in order to have bits of cotton wool and shaving mirrors inserted for photo's and for impressions was not what I would call a comfortable experience. At one point the stretching was so extreme I had visions of a split occuring each side and forever looking like Jack Nicholson did when he played The Joker in Batman. To top that they insert bits of cotton wool, which is the equivalent of sucking chalk when thirsty and that bloody vacuum which removes moisture from all known areas. Whilst all of this was going on Dr B (as she is known) then took some impressions for which I had to put my tongue out either over or under the impression plate for 2 minutes each tme. This was impossible so she very adeptly did it for me and whilst the impression was setting, happily chatted to her assistant whilst pulling my tongue forward. I was like a wide-mouthed frog vomiting. Then she stuck the first bits of metal on my lower teeth, not as straigteners. Oh no, nothings that simple. No these are for the lower appliance to slot onto. They are grips!. They look smooth don't they these pieces of metal when kids where them, but believe me they feel like rusty razor wire coiled around each tooth, each one taking a different sliver of skin away from the inside of my mouth with each small movement. In less than one hour the insides of my mouth are red raw, the pain is rotten, and the inflammation has affected my ability to speak. I sound like Freddie bloody Parrot Face Davies when I speak. Yeah, they gave me wax to cover the four machine sharpened weights, but thats like applying Germolene to a cobra bite at the moment. And if THIS hurts, whats it going to feel like when the real stuff is attached?
And all so that I can have a smile in my soft middle age which I'm not worried will scare kids or make people assume that I'm from Duelling Banjo stock. Watch this space, this will hurt me more than it will you.
Later, GrocerJack
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