Scary fuckers

Last year on holiday in Florida we were right smack bang in the path of Hurricane Charley, itself a Cat 5 storm although nowhere near as big as Katrina and Rita. Being a Brit I had no idea what a real hurricane was like but it did confirm one thing - the great storm of 1987 was NOT a hurricane. I did the decent British thing as Charley approached and then went right through us.

I got pissed and video'd it!

Well, we're fucking hard us Brits ain't we!

Plus had I stayed sober it would have scared the living shit out of me even more and I'd have been role model Dad, trembling in the corner and sobbing the word "doomed...we're all doomed" in the style of a Cockney version of Private Fraser from Dads Army.


Even now when I look back at the video's, I just shake my head and think....what a fucking knob I was. Objects hurling down the street and over the villa, wind speeds of 150 miles and hour, horizontal rain that STUNG because of its speed.

All I can say is I hope Rita miraculously misses the population areas and the damage is minimal. Mind you, the evacuation has been better controlled.....nothing to do with Bush being a Texan i suppose?

Later, GrocerJack

They're Back

A good year for the BBC , at least in terms of quality programme making. The resurgent and excellent Doctor Who series proved beyond doubt that programmes for the whole family are still feasible and can be sure-fire ratings winners without being saccharine coated dross. And last week we saw the start of the new series of the marvellous Spooks, with a two part edge of the seat "bombs in London" chiller followed by this weeks far right political based story. I watched next weeks episode on BBC3 last night and it too was a superb story, well told and well acted. I don't think many Muslims will be happy at the way they are portrayed, but hey I don't suppose many Tories and other right wing politicians and sympathisers would be happy at this weeks portrayal of them. The fact that this program, which is exaggerated, will draw criticism from all sides just means that the makers have hit the target yet again.

Later, GrocerJack

Shut the Fuck Up....

Is it just me or is anyone else sick of the self administered blow-job that ITV is giving itelf for still broadcasting mostly bollocks after 50 torturous years? Night after fucking night of self congratulatory fellatio from a company that graced our screens with Crossroads, The Darling Buds of May, Trippers Day, Love Thy Neighbour (and a whole unceasing host of anti-sitcoms), Footballers Wives, World of Sport (featuring such highly esteemed sports as Dutch Canal Jumping, Trick Cycling and the New York Firemans Championship), Bad Girls, Albion Market, TV's Funniest Animals, Mr & Mrs, Blind Date....the dross list just goes on and on..... just too much shite for the normal brain to contemplate. Yes, there have been gems in there (Cracker, Prime Suspect, Cold Feet, The Persuaders - just for the marvellous John Barry theme tune - to name .....er.....four) but they have been very much the exception and nowadays the channel seems intent on following the path of cheap celebrity based reality TV.

I'm so glad I'll not be around for the Centenary to witness ITV conduct some self imposed rimming no doubt.......although knowing my luck.......

Later, GrocerJack

This is The News.......

Reports are reaching JackNews Corp that a reknowned Cocaine user has been shamefully exposed as a Super-model. The well known Cocaine snorter Kate Moss was snapped wantonly parading the catwalks at this years Milan, Paris, New York and London Fashion Weeks in a brazen attempt to peddle the heinous "haute couture" creations on behalf of evil Fashion Dealers such as Kunt Lagerfuck, Stella McCuntney, Yves St Laurwank, Vivienne Wankwood and Jean Paul Cuntier. It's long been suspected that many famous narcotics consumers have had shady links with this evil sub world, especially after allegedly former Cocaine uber-user Naomi Campbell was also exposed as a collaborative pawn in the evil doings of the "fashion industry".

It is now believed that there are many other suspected famous drug dependent superstars who will soon be exposed as peddlers of Fashion Filth, hitting at the very core of people used to buying clothes from M&S and Matalan, using their superstardom and innocent Class A drug habits to be part of an industry undermining every decent persons sense of colour co-ordination, flair and ability to wear clothes appropriate to the occasion at a sensible price. Reports indicate that many Dealers will now drop Kate Moss as a symbol of their products in order to distance themselves from being linked with "haute couture", and to re-establish their links to their core customers of kids and teenagers hanging around street corners, dressed by parents in cheap tat, and self absorbed media knobbers, journalists and middle managers still sucking corporate cock as they climb the greasy pole to success

In a late twist it also appears that single mother and snorter supreme, Kate has also been romantically involved with another famous drug user, fellow D-List snorter and needle-surfer Pete Doherty. It is alleged that he has links with the Music Industry, a reknowned bolthole itself for high profile drug users.

In the opinion of JackNews Corp, Pete Doherty may be a lot of things, but musician. Nah. No fucking way could anyone confuse him with being that.

Later, CharlieJack

Lost in BollocksBiz

This may sound like another anti-Septic posting (thats Septic as in Septic Tank = Yank) and it isn't really.

No, honestly guv. I loved my visit to the US last year. I enjoyed the differences in perceptions of scale and sie, the differences in culture, the paradox of a country where porn is legal but beer can't be advertised on TV and you can't buy an alocholic drink for someone who isn't physically by your side in a bar in case you give it to a minor. I loved the cheap fuel, the "nothing is impossible" attitude, the low quality/high volume food. the weather - hot sunny days broken by violent thunderstorms and the occasional Hurricane. It was an enlightening and positive experience and , yeah, I'd go again and will when the money is right.

No, this is just sheer disbelief and amazement a a country that can generate such fuckwits as actress Renee Zellweger and her soon to be dismissed husband, country singer Kenny Chesney (famed for his alleged hit song "She Thinks My Tractors Sexy). They married 4 months ago on a beach in the Virgin Islands but have yesterday announced the marriage is to be annulled on grounds of his "fraud". Well, today on the BBC News website she had gone further by asking for privacy during this "sad period" - I urge you to read the full report here.

Now this already smacks of the usual Hollywood, lost in showbiz, artistic sensitivities, unreal word arse-wank talk we've all seen before. but what really caught my eye was this statement

US TV show Entertainment Tonight reported a further joint statement saying the split was due to "the miscommunication of the objective of their marriage at the start".

"Renee and Kenny value and respect each other and are saddened that their different objectives prevent the success of this marriage," it said, according to Entertainment Tonight.

What? They didn't understand the objectives of marriage? They had different objectives? Their objectives weren't aligned? My God, they didn't have a Marriage Project Initiation Document, A Marriage Project Mandate, A Marriage Lifecycle Plan, a Marriage Development & Test Plan, with a full and comprehensive Marriage Implementation Plan and Post-Marriage Support Contract?

Forgive me here, but I kind of expected that most people in the world understood the concept of marriage (at least the religious definition) and its...ahem.....objectives. You know, the old fashioned one of finding someone you love, having that love returned, committing to each other for life, having kids, building a life together, in sickness and health, richer and poorer etc etc.

Now accepting that this idealistic concept does go wrong, bad choices are made, temptation steps in, distrust or boredom intervene, familiarity breeds contempt or just that peoples ideals, morals, needs and views change over time we all know that marriages fail. But I've never heard anyone, but anyone say "we didn't understand what was expected" or "we didn't know what marriage was for".

Nope, I've heard "he/she had an affair or affairs", "He/she keeps abusing me physically or mentally", "we grew apart", "He/she has changed", "Fate meant I met someone else and fell in love with them".........but "the mis-communication of the objective of the marriage from the start" is just a fantastic piece of legalistic public relations spin that Alastair Campbell would be proud of.

One things for sure, America still knows how to produce outstanding comedians.

Later, GrocerJack

Stupidity Reigns...or at least it could

My last two posts were intended to be well intentioned gentle pokes at our transtlantic buddies and their reknowned lack of knowledge about other continents, countries and cultures. However, reading the lovely Alexa's site pointed me to this American absolute stinking pile of radical christian fuckwit rhetoric from someone as dangerous in thought and motive as Osama Bin Laden. Pat Robertson and his ilk frighten the shit out of me because watered down versions of him can get to power. George Bush is just the start, and he's another religious fruitcake whose thought train is not a million miles from Pat RobertsCunt. Just think of how many will actually believe this bollocks? A million, 2 million? America can be a very scary place sometimes.

Muslim fundamentalists are mad and dangerous, but imagine someone like this with access to the Fire button! Bowel loosening stuff huh?

Later, GrocerJack

American Geography Lesson 2

Still true!

American Geography Lesson 1

True?

PS

I've had a tough week. Not as tough as GMD, but still tough. No matter who it isI hate being just a watcher who can't control things. I hate seeing others suffer.

Humility is the name of my current suitor.

Later, HumbledJack

News..

GMD is OK.

She lost a lot of blood during an apparently routine(ish) op but major op ( I think you can guess which op it was...only women can have this). In the end they called their top cancer surgeon to assist because he knew more about "cutting techniques".

Good call.

I'm lucky.

She's lucky.

Very lucky.

Hopefully she's home tomorrow. Thanks for the messages, they're much appreciated.

Then Jack will return, and by God he's fucked off.

PS. Andrew Flintoff, and the whole team , drink your arses out and fuck the do-gooders. Christ if anyone has earned a bender , you lot have.

Later, Silly Leg Jack

No posts

....for a few days more. GMD has had a major operation and is in hospital, so my focus is elsewhere for a while.

Later, GrocerJack

Sven Goran Fuckwit

I've never agreed with his appointment as England coach

I always felt this needed an Englishman in the post because we need someone with passion who knows how it feels to be English.

Anyone disagree with me now?

In business when a manager cannot motivate or inspire his or her team, they underperform. When that happens then it is his/her job to turn it around. If they don't because they can't then they will be moved. This is what has happened here. We have the most talented England squad I have ver known, but they haven't played well for a long time, despite meeting up a week before the games. Something is wrong in motivation, spirit and leadership.

Sven is the wrong man and now we can all see his impotence, especially during the game.

I mean Phil Neville in the squad for fucks sake. Owen Hargreaves.....give me strength.

It's too late to get shot of him now at this crucial stage of the qualifying campaign, but if we qualify then maybe we need the change before we go. If we don't qualify then he MUST go.

My choice?

Sam Allardyce. Passion, focus, tactical nous, modern ideas. And he's a big fucker so no primadonna players would think of crossing him.

Later, AshamedJack

Sunny South Coast

Another lovely weekend in store for us who live near the seaside. And for me the sheer unadulterated delight of a course studying ITIL Service Support principles in order to become a Service Management Practicioner. Sounds like a fucking laugh right?

Yeah, however, it's in Bournemouth, residential in a lovely hotel right near the beach.

In other words its a weeks holiday.

Out of the office, doing stuff thats frankly a piece of piss during what is looking to be a bit of an Indian Summer (Or should that now be Summer period of Asian origin). So, yeah, I am fucking laughing my knob off. You lot have a lovely week slaving over whatever it is you slave over. If The Company's multi-billion pound 3G technology works well enough (the coverage there is supposedly superb), then I'll be posting normally.

Later, SunnyJack

Any doubts now?

If anyone ever doubted what a clueless, brainless, self important, self righteous, egotistical fuckwitcunt George Dubya Bush is, then surely his obvious lack of action and interest, other than the provision of sentimental meaningless soundbites, over the New Orleans disaster shows this moron for what he really is. Of course I don't suppose for one minute it's anything to do with New Orleans being the heartland of a mainly black, poorly educated and generally low income populace has it?

Nah, surely that wouldn't have any bearing on why the most powerful shitebrain imbecile in the world has seemingly ignored the "aid" required and decided to deploy troops from the National Guard into the city on a "shoot to kill" basis. Still think this twats answer to everything is not to shoot or bomb it? Still think he can use the peaceful alternative? Still think he even knows what a peaceful alternative is? Jesus, it's a wonder he isn't bombing cloud formations or sending the troops into shoot the sky during particularly heavy rain showers

Oh, and for those other wankers and fuckwits (such a descriptive word) that seem to think that it's different because it's America, surely a victim is a victim no matter where they live? Are some people seriously suggesting we discriminate against the victims of natural disaster based on the fact that their country is powerful and rich, even if the victims aren't. Oh, and does it matter if the victims aren't poor? Suely if your house is flattened, your children killed, your health shattered, your surroundings devastated then it feels as bad no matter what your personal wealth level is?

*Interestingly, the Republicans won this state in the recent elections by around 300,000 votes, or 56.8% of the votes cast compared to 46.2% for the Democrats. I can't help wondering that this won't happen next time after the current debacle*.

Later, GrocerJack

Bank Holiday Joy

Not in chronological order

Hot weather
Me and GMD sitting outside the (new) village pub all day drinking with friends
Seaside (Southsea)
Funfair, craft fair and International Kite festival on the common
Warm sea
Ice cream
Cockles and whelks
Roast beef baguette
Watching the ships sail in and out of Portsmouth Harbour
Scantily clad women (phew)
Ice cold beer
Seaside Fish and Chips
Gunwharf Quays shopping (to get new Chelsea shirt as birthday prezzie)
A whole day with the family exclusively.
Baby and me riding our bikes to the top of Butser Hill
Impromptu picnic (ice creams and cokes) on the top of the hill with GMD and Teenager joining us by car.
The view across to Hayling Island, Southampton Water, the Isle of Wight and across the South Downs
Seeing the village from on high


Simple things really.

And all fucking marvellous

Later, Lazyjack

My New Holiday Home

So, after the map reading nightmare and subsequent row we arrived at the site holiday park. Both fuming, both ready to kill. Teenage sulking because she couldn’t giggle and play to the boys. Baby just smiling and happy as she normally is, and excited because she is still at the age where everything is an adventure. We walked to beach to check it over. It took 5 minutes down a lovely typical French village high street, full of bars, restaurants and shops. Bustling but not overcrowded. The beach is a place called Vias Plage and it was spacious, sandy and the beached shelved gently so you could walk out quite a way before being out of your depth. In my case being barely 5’6” 1.65m I couldn’t walk as far as most people, but hey, size isn’t everything despite what some women might say.

We had both vowed that we were only viewing and NOT buying. No way were we going to sign anything that day. No, we weren’t gullible fools, seduced by our love of France, the warm weather, the great food, the lovely wine. The relaxed and chilled vibe of the holiday was not, no way Jose, even if Hell freezes over, ever going to weaken our resolve. We were fucking hard and sales people were merely prospective fodder for our combined cannons.

We then met the lovely Katie, our guide and sales rep. Pretty, sweet, charming and as far from the slick, besuited, smarmy sort of double glazing type sales rep I had expected. Her warm welcome seemed to soothe the mutually furrowed brows of GMD and Me and before we could really continue our feud we were being whizzed round the site in a 7 seater golf buggy. She seemed so honest as well, immediately declaring that as she wasn’t on commission yet, it didn’t make any difference to her if we bought. Not sure her boss would have been happy but it did seem that she was eager to be honest and answer our questions properly, even if the answer was not quite politically correct. Naivety, doncha just love it? Anyway, the site holiday park was clean and quiet, the pitches large, the pool complex spotless and large. It all fitted. Perfectly.

An hour was then spent looking at the vans mobile holiday homes. If ever an image was changed instantly this was it. We NEVER stay in tents because we like to have our own dump-station. A place to go and lay some decent cable, if you get my drift. A place that is only a few feet centimetres from you during the night, and not a torch-lit walk away in whatever weather is around at that moment. So we always stay in holiday homes which are just big caravans in my view. However, these things we were shown were like…well…..sort of……..similar to….well, rather nice bungalows. They had proper laminate floors, full double glazing, proper free standing beds, air conditioning and they come fully furnished, including all the crockery and cutlery. Fuck me, they’ve even lobbed a TV/DVD in for us. A 28” 70cm one, not a piddle arsed portable. Eventually we bought a 3 bedroom one with full en-suite, plus an extra bog. Apparently according to GMD that was vital, and with two girls growing up and becoming bathroom junkies I agreed. We spent 8 hours at the site as they gave us a day pass to wander around and try the pool etc. In all Katie spent about 6 hours with us, which shows some determination. But my eyes don’t lie, and my heart was telling me this was what I wanted. My own place to go, whenever I liked, to a country I regard as my second home.

It cost £36,000 €54000 because they gave us an exchange rate of €1.5 to the £ which seemed quite generous. No matter how much I look into this, I cannot find one part of the costs or the deal or the place that I don’t like. And so next year, my holiday is sorted. I’m off to my holiday home for 5 weeks of my 6 weeks leave, the other week being playing golf in Spain. I can’t wait.

Plus tard, EpicierJacques