Job Title - PARENT

Job Description Document

POSITIONS AVAILABLE:

Female Parent = Mum, Mummy (UK only), Mom, Mommy, Ma, Mama (US and Canada only)

Male Parent = Dad, Daddy (UK only), Pa, Papa, Sir (US & Canada only)

The Role

Long term, self starter, highly motivated team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic and pressurised environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. You need to be willing to work very unsociable hours in order to attend parents’ evenings and School shows.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
These will last the rest of your life. Successful candidates must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5, or needs to be taken to and/or collected from somewhere.

You must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. You should also possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and the speed of a Cheetah in order to be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, just this time, the screams from the back garden or bedroom are not someone just crying wolf.

You must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

You should not be sensitive to blood, vomit, snot or other bodily seepages, and that will include the ability to handle soiled clothes when they’re older

You must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

You must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

You must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and a total embarrassment the next. Advantage will be given to those whose dancing at weddings is acutely bad and getting worse.

You must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. For this you must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product and any further support for said products will be your responsibility!

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance, bedroom facility décor, constant monitoring and repair of the bedroom facility condition and general janitorial work throughout the facility, despite not being the main perpetrator of any wear and tear or damage.

When they have successfully applied to become parents themselves then you should be prepared for long and frequent stints of babysitting.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Zilch. A big fat lonely Zero. In fact you’ve more chance of getting a wank off the Pope. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, whilst constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you!

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! In this role there is a highly innovative scheme - you pay them! You will be forced to keep offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that College or University will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. A further balloon payment is also required upon the announcement that they are getting married. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you will probably actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more (no..honest!)

BENEFITS

:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. Your offspring may decide to look after you in their own accommodation when you reach the other nappy age, but most likely they will put you in a nice residential care home, using the proceeds of the sale of your house to ensure you are cared for. One advantage if you have female offspring is that at least they will visit you in the home.

Later GrocerJack