On yer bike......

Is cycling

1.) Healthy? – YES, everyone agrees on that

2.) Invigorating? – YES, for those who enjoy it

3.) Expensive? - YES

4.) Frustrating? – YES

5.) Addictive? – YES

6.) Unbelievably downright fucking annoying? - YES

Remember my newly re-discovered love of cycling? How I raved about it back then, how much healthier I felt and the weight I was losing. How I got a new bike back in July priced at £450 and now priced up at £550? Well, the new bike, a Carerra Banshee was great to start with; aluminium frame, 27 gears, full suspension, and disc brakes front and rear etc etc. The comparison of rides across the rougher terrain of the Southdowns Way tracks, local bridlepaths and those of similar ilk was akin to moving to a Range Rover after having driven a stripped down basic Land Rover over the bumps. The suspension seemed to level things off nicely and certainly seemed to save on wear and tear to the aging arse I now have to sit on. Ok, so I wasn’t quite as “in-touch” with the track or road as before, but it felt safer and therefore allowed me to “throttle up” on some of the downhill runs.

Like all innovations of this type it made everything smoother and safer, but paradoxically took some of the safety awareness out of the ride and hence increased the risk because if the greater sense of security gained. This is a common problem for the modern motorist. My first car, A Vauxhall Viva had no all round disc brakes, no ABS, no power steering, no laminated windscreen, no traction control, no cruise control and no airbags. Consequently I drove it more carefully because I was so aware of the fragility of the thing. Every road bump felt like the Grand Canyon, and when you were doing 50 it felt like you were doing 90. My Volvo does 140 and makes you feel like you’re doing 30.

The first few rides were fine, excellent in fact and I wore the smug arrogant grin of the person who could fully justify the cost and knew he was right all along. GMD had succumbed to buying the bike but only after a week of constant nagging, hinting and subliminal commenting on my part. When I got it I was like a 10 year old with his first new proper bike. All of me was grinning with smug satisfaction.

But then, in typical Jack manner, things went a bit awry.

The first “event” was a failure to change the front gearset from the middle to the large cog on a downhill run at the Queen Elizabeth Country Park. No amount of cajoling would move the bloody chain and in then I gave up. Ok, I thought…not too serious…..that can wait until it has its 3 month check with Halfords under the MugPunter Customer Couldn’tCareLess Careline maintenance policy I had bought. Then a couple of weeks before going away I had a puncture. OK, not the bikes fault but a result of where I had ridden you might surmise. The puncture occurred on the road though and not on any track, and I didn’t have a spare tube or repair kit to hand so I was a bit miffed. Luckily LittleSis has a Zafira people carrier and so a quick mobile call and she had donned the virtual flashing blue lights and rescued me about 3 miles from home. The puncture was repaired by Halfords on the same night and the following evening I set off once again to cover the same route. About 2 miles in and I was aware that the gears were slipping badly on the rear cogs. This seeming was getting worse, so I pulled over in a small village called Denmead near where I live, along a road leading back to my (now former?) local pub, The Bat and Ball. I was about 7 miles from home when I stopped. A quick look at the gears and chain revealed a broken chain link which had almost come away. A pair of pliers was in my toolkit and I tried to squeeze the link back together. I thought I’d done enough to see me home but 100 yards up the road and the chain snapped, trailing behind me like an oil slick and leaving me pedalling thin air like Wily E Coyote after he’s run off the end of a ravine. A snapped chain on a bike less than 5 weeks old! Is that bad luck, or just bad workmanship? LittleSis emergency services were called again and this time a semi-disbelieving BigSykes came to get me. Again, the bike was taken to Halfords for the chain to be replaced. The next ride was home from Halfords and this appeared to go swimmingly. The very next evening off I went with BigSykes for a cross country ride. 2 miles from home after going down a particularly curvy mostly downhill track I had yet another puncture. Again, LittleSis/BigSykes Zafira Bike Rescue Service got me home. This puncture was left until after I had returned from France such was my growing distrust. Whilst out in France I took my old bike to leave there (not the bike I bought from Strings but the previous one to that) and despite my best efforts ended up with around 6 punctures over the 3 weeks, despite a full inner tube and tyre replacement courtesy of the non-English speaking chap in Cecil’s Cycles and some wicked French from me. In the end I was convinced I was being followed around by some French sadistic anti-English, cyclist hating lunatic with a never ending supply of drawing pins.

How long can one run of bad luck continue? On my return I finally resolved to repair the puncture to my new bike myself having had so much practice in France. I bought 2 new “slime” filled inner tubes, some “slime” tyre liner, insulating tape for the wheel rims and a puncture repair kit. So, more money spent then…..yep around £20 for these essentials. The plan was I would swap the inner tubes over for the slime ones, line the tyres, re-tape the wheels and finally repair the old punctured tubes and carry them in the increasingly heavy back pack as spares. On Sunday I resolved to get this out of the way so that I could return to the open air life and exercise I need to keep the weight from piling on during winter. After 4 hours of sweating in the garage, and having repaired another 6 punctures across the old tubes and the new ones, which punctured almost at will, once even whilst spinning the wheel for alignment whilst the bike was upside down and the wheel not in contact with the ground, with the help of BigSykes I finally had a working nearly-new bike. So in my last 5 rides out I’ve had 2 punctures, a broken chain and an encounter with the Hound of The Baskervilles Rottweiller from Hell which caused a detour that me and BigSykes riding back in the dark with no lights on our bikes due to added miles and time The Hound of The Baskervilles caused!

Oh, and if you think the expense of cycling in the 21^st Century stops at buying the bike and the odd replacement part….then like me you’re a fucking idiot with the brains of a particularly thick maggot…….and just like me you’ll be undergoing a very serious period of evaluating the cost against the effort and frustration and the enjoyment and health benefits. A decent set of lights will cost around £60, for front and rear just for normal visibility purposes (and that’s if you use eBay and like me are on the verge of eBay addiction) just for normal visibility purposes. Going off-road during winter? Riding down unlit roads? Try a set for around £200! Mudguards will cost £10 for a really cheap Argos set, a multi-toolkit will set you back £15, a decent helmet around £20, a hydration backpack around £25, a decent portable pump for £15, a bike workstand will cost £70 unless you trust eBay and buy without seeing for around £50. Add on to that things like bottle cages £5, clipless pedals £30, shoes £40, wraparound shades £10, wraparound glasses £10, Maintenance policy £30, D-lock £20, fluorescent tabard £10, cycle computer £15….and on it goes….as you can see it seems to be a never ending wish list of things you can’t do without unlike when you were a kid and didn’t have or need any of this stuff. I never thought anything would make golf look like a cheap pastime, but cycling has done exactly that.

And do you know what? I’m bloody addicted to it. I spend my time looking at web sites selling bikes and bike bits. I find myself looking at things that “might be useful”. I’m convinced every accessory will contribute to my safety, comfort or enjoyment when in fact all it does is add weight and cost money. Perhaps I need another bike to wean myself off, or maybe a substitute device….maybe a scooter…..or a quad bike….or maybe just like a lot of middle aged blokes I am just having increasing regressions to childhood.

More toys for Big Boys.

Later, GrocerJack.