A message to wives and girlfriends,
Please read the following....
List Of Rules.
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be permitted to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then this will be viewed very dimly, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention during this critical period.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. You will only be allowed use of the remote control with prior written permission gained upon receipt of a written request to do so.
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it by crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be effectively blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. Please don’t expect me to listen to you, answer the door, answer the telephone, collect or deliver any children or converse with any of your friends or relatives (fellow male relatives aside………you should not have any male friends!).
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces or comments to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, and as a sign of my goodwill, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am*.
*Unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "never mind, it’s only a game", or "don't worry, they’ll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half-time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not attempt to use the World Cup as a covert excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child
related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash. Therefore you must stay sober at all times in order to carry out your additional function of nominated driver. Be aware that some transit may be required during half time periods depending on the thrill level of the game, or on the basis of who has enough remaining beer. Be prepared for similar incursions into our living room from fellow watchers.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
12. Please do not ask for explanations of the offside rule again, nor any other rules – it is incumbent upon you to read the rules of football prior to the tournament and email any questions you may have for me to answer at my leisure. Also note that refereeing decisions are not open to explanation from me, as most of the time the refs themselves do not understand their own decisions.
13. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only on every 4 years". You should note that I am immune to this type of message because after this comes Serie A, La Liga, The premiership, The Championship, The FA Cup, The Carling Cup and the Euro 2008 qualifying rounds.
With thanks, and on behalf of all the proper Men of The World
With thanks to Audrey for sending this to me for editing.
Later, GrocerJack
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