Here is an edited transcript of my letter of complain to SKY about their total inability to install a dish, SKY+ and therefore let me have ChelseaTV. Hopefully you can spot the edits of what I really wanted to send and what I did actually send. And yes it is nothing more than a big sulk.
MR. JACK GROCER
SmallishVillage, Hampshire
British Sky Broadcasting Group
Customer Relations
Isleworth
With regard to my recent order for Sky + Multi-room at the listed address this letter is a letter of complaint tirade of built up hatred unfortunately with regards to what I consider to be very poor unbelievably pisspoor customer service and relations. The order was done via the affinity agreement you have recently signed with The Company and the associated staff offer to employees of The Company.
I ordered the equipment in good faith, the equipment being a Sky + box, along with two additional normal STB’s for a multi-room installation. Under the deal I paid £49 for the boxes and signed up for SkyWorld at the reduced rate of £21.50 per month for the first year. Is that simple enough for your amoeba like brain to comprehend? When signing up I also agreed to ditch my NTL telephone service in favour of BT Option 1, in lieu of transferring to Sky Talk Anytime phone package at £7.99 per month. On the day of my order being confirmed I asked NTL to terminate both TV and Telephone services and on the Sky rep’s fuckwits advice got the phone service cut over two days before the installation in order to ensure I could transfer to Sky Talk Anytime.
On the day of the Install (November 24th) the Sky monkey brained/monkey trained non-installer turned up. Instead of “Good Morning…..” His first words were (and this is an exact quote)
“Your mobile isn’t working mate”
Charming was not my first thought. In fact my first thought was “Twat”, followed immediately by “Sky do train their staff well don’t they?”
I checked my mobile against what he was dialling and pointed out the fact that he was dialling the wrong number. He protested that it must have been printed wrong, but in fact the work order did have the correct number down, it was just his inability to read the number correctly that was at fault. Perhaps this moron hadn’t plugged in his “function as human being chip” instead of his “be an ignorant fatuous cunt” chip he uses when he goes out with his mates to get skulled on Carling and WKD every night. He then pointed out the fact that I was a
I was slightly surprised by this level of familiarity which wasn’t done in a particularly customer friendly manner.was done as if I’d inadvertently wandered into The Clock End at Highbury just as we scored our 2nd goal wearing a shirt saying Chelsea shit on Arsenal from a great height! He then stated immediately that he couldn’t do the job because my house is cladded. This much is true. Front and back are rep.muppet. However each side of the house is ordinary brick to the roof with a clear South facing view as the house is detached. Translation – the dish can be positioned there with ease as there are no tiles within 3 feet of the position! I did point this out to the non-installer but he wasn’t convinced. I did say he could install the dish on either side and then run the cables through the brick into the garage and then to each room. Kapiche? I was happy to pay any extra for additional cabling. He Plant-brain then stated that he was not authorised or insured to do this either!. I’m not sure what he intended to do originally so I asked him whether he intended drilling through my uPVC window frames! Because frankly he was so fucking thick it was probably exactly what he wanted to do. I didn’t get an answer of course. He said he would check with his boss “Jamie” and so he disappeared for 5 minutes. On his return he said “Jamie says don’t fucking touch it” (presumably Jamie probably being a Spurs fan) and then informed me he had rung Sky and I could expect a phone call from them to arrange an “
I then received a call from a Sky cretin rep (presumably the non-installations team) who said as the house was cladded it could not be equipped with Sky. I also remonstrated with this person that the house was normal brick on either side and that there was a route through the garage on one side or via the NTL cable entry point on the other. He was just as intransigent unbelievably thick and said that in his insufferably high pitched, cheerful, patronising and near indecipherable Scottish “I’ve got one over an Englishman” accent “nothing could be done it’s tough shit you stupid English bastard, that’s for Culloden and the clearances , we’ll refund the money someday when we can be fucking bothered and you’ll have to eat a massive slice of the Shit Sandwich from the Humble Pie lorry cancel the NTL cancellation”. Of course on this day I was already on BT for the phone and without the Sky install could not sign up to Sky Talk Anytime. I asked about arranging an “don’t offer that service couldn’t give a fucking shit about you, you’ll have to get off your imperial, enslaving and oppressive English arse arrange it yourself by shopping around and that will mean we can’t do the same deal on the boxes or the SkyWorld package”. In other words The Company staff offer would not be valid on an
I took a days leave to be available for this non-install, all to no avail. I have had to eat a huge slice of shit sandwich/humble pie to get NTL to cancel the cancellation and get the “deal” I had with them reinstated. So, another delightful experience courtesy of SKYhite TV – how to grovel in order to retain something you already have! I am still waiting for BT to transfer the phone line back to NTL and in the interim have had a bill for £38.41 from them for the phone which is far more than I normally pay NTL, but then I don’t get any discounts from BT as I did with NTL. So, Sky’s pisspoor customer service has cost me a days leave and a higher than normal phone bill. Thanks for fuck all you moronic bunch of mindless, brainless, incompetent, festering pus ridden wankers
As you can understand I am very angry and upset with the way I was treated and of the costs I have incurred as a result of your own automaton like pre-programmed staff’s inappropriate and commission based greed driven recommendations regarding the phone, not least the loss of a days annual leave. A day that could have been spent doing something I like, such as playing golf, riding my bike with my family through sunlit country lanes, having an all day boozing session with mates, or just sitting in my own garden reading a book has been spent being pissed off by a lumbering corporate megalomaniacal company hell bent on seizing money and time from people and not delivering anything remotely close to what has been contractually agreed. Be assured this experience has been shared on our internal intranet discussion boards, as well as with as many friends as possible. I am not asking for any compensation, unless BT decide to apply a punitive charge for cancelling a contract after just two days but would like some explanation as to why potential high value customers mug punters such as me can be treated so poorly.shittily and with such utter contempt. Frankly people like me willing to pay the price of your top premium subscription after the special offer period had expired should receive better treatment than outlined here. In fact if Sky intend to be a serious company regarding customer acquisition and retention then I would expect them to be going out of their way kissing arse and sucking cocks to get my custom. In the interim, could you please arrange to have my details erased from all of your databases and to cease from sending me marketing propaganda regarding services you provide which I apparently cannot receive due to decorative tiles cladding the front and rear of
Yours covered in bile and vomit, Faithfully
Jack the very annoyed Grocer
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