According to research it is proven that no such thing as a cure for a hangover exists. After many years of extensive research into this area I have also reached the same conclusion. Although the conditions under which I have trialled my experiment have not exactly been..........errr.........scientific, they are probably more accurate becaue they are based in real drinking situations under real pressures. So here are some of Jack's findings and observations surrounding the noble action of social drinking, supporting the notion that no matter what anyone says there is no cure for The Hangover other than time itself.
1.) Sticking to one drink - this makes no difference whatsoever, unless of course it's water.
2.) Mixing the "grain and the grape" makes your hangover worse - Nope, one glass of wine followed by a decent single malt will not give you a hangover. 2 bottles of wine followed by half a bottle of single malt however will make you cop a bad one.
3.) Giving up smoking makes the hangovers less painful - intially this seemed to be true as I'd often woken up after a session which included a packet and a half of lung torpedo's and thrown up at the thought of 3000 chemicals being inhaled into my lungs. Having been clean of smoking for 4 years now I can honestly report that although I don't cough multi-coloured gelationous gooey stuff up after drinking, The Hangover is still there.
4.) If you wake up without The Hangover then you've got away with it - wrong, wrong, wrong. You are still pissed from the night before and The Hangover is lurking away covertly in the body, like an invisible Crack crazed, hoodie wearing, body mugger waiting for the right time to hit you hard. Thus 12 hours after waking you will feel worse than you thought imaginable.
5. Ejecting the main body of semi-processed food and bile with a good throwing up session heals The Hangover - dream on! All this does is make you feel like jumping from a 7 storey building whilst slicing out your throat with a rusty bread knife because it hurts less.
6.) A full English breakfast sorts everything out - of course it does. No, what this does is accelerate the speed at which the worst bit of The Hangover kicks in. Similar to having pregnancy labour induced, this is the bodily equivalent of shouting "come and have a go if you think you're hard enough" at The Hangover. The hangover is hard enough, you are not. I've seen some of the roughest horriblest peeople become snivelling wrecks at the hands of The Hangover.
7.) Staying in bed and sleeping it off - the world is split into two other groups than men and women. Those who can sleep The Hangover off, and those who can't. The lucky ones are those who can fully sleep it off, even if they lose a whole day. I, however, belong to the other group, the unlucky ones. This group tries to go back to bed, but no matter how they try the body prevents them from sleeping. The Hangover has its vile fingers in all areas of the body and has full control over this group. Here are some reasons to stop you sleeping it off
a.) Temperature fluctuations of the wildest kind from massive sweats to an arctic like chill.
b.) The huge twitch is another control mechanism, just as you enter the blissful doze phase The Hangover flicks a switch which gives the body a jolt like having 5000 volts of pure electricity rammed through you.
c.) The "horrors" - a combination of all the above, along with doomladen thoughts of death,
excessive pulse checking, reflux, heartburn, inability to even sip water and mad mad
mini-dreams at the start of the doze phase
8.) Drinking water before you go to bed - bollocks, utter bollocks. All this does is increase the chances of a mid-sleep toilet dream and subsequent sheet changing exercise.
9.) Hair of the dog - this does not cure the hangover but merely delays its onset by allowing you to top up the alcohol level - The Hangover knows it is never going to be effective if you're freshly drunk.
10.) Vitamin tablets, Ibuprofen (the king of all drugs!), Resolve, Andrews Liver Salts, smoothies, fruit juice, fruit, oats, sex, tea, coffee and whatever else anyone recommends. No, no, no. All crap, all failures.
11.) A round of golf - hmm this works whilst on the course but only by masking the doscimfort of The hangover with the discomfort of being shit at a game you love. After the game, the sense of being cured disappears within seconds and then the shivers and sweats start. Last week I played after a Guinness induced hangover. The temperature on the course was -2.5C, and yet because of The Hangover played the whole round in a polo shirt! After the game, not even the worlds most efficient golf jumper and The Kings super heated Volvo estate could warm me up.
And so my friends the best thing to do is avoid The Hangover by not drinking, but who is going to take any notice of that? No, the advice from Jack is this - drink water and only water. If you must have anything else then try Orange Juice. The reason?
Simple, they both taste the same when coming up as when they went down.
Cheers, Happy Christmas Your Arse, GrocerJack
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