I can't take the credit for the following, so this is a lazy post. However - I agree with the sentiments totally. Teenager is following this course exactly, and more worryingly I can see the green shoots of teenagehood starting in Baby.
Oh Joy!
Is your child approaching those glorious teenage years? Have they started sulking for
Welcome to the wonderful world of teenagers. Trust me, nothing will have prepared you for this moment ... I don't care if you've climbed Everest single handed wearing nothing but a pair of Y-fronts, living with teenagers is akin to kicking jelly up a ladder.
I have just two words to offer you as your child arrives at this life changing threshold:
Brace yerself!
Oh, and the following tips might help:-
1. Make an appointment to see the dentist. You'll be doing a lot of teeth gnashing in the years to come so make sure they're up to it.
2. Check your cushions and pillows, make sure they're strong enough to survive a good bashing and dense enough to bury your face into them when the urge to scream is overwhelming.
3. Check your house. Ensure door frames are up for the slamming, pictures and mirrors are secured firmly to the walls, stairways are solid enough to withstand heavy stomping, and carpets are prepared for the inevitable trail of mud (teenagers don't wipe feet).
4. Invest in a good dishwasher. This has two benefits. (1) Your teenager will not, if their very lives depended on it, wash up again until they have children of their own; and (2) teenagers will use every single cup, plate and piece of cutlery in the kitchen to make one meal.
5. Stock up on junk food. Yes, I know, you want them to eat healthily, but forget it, you're wasting your time. Buy pizzas, those disgusting noodle things in pots, and as many bags of crisps as you can afford.
6. Also on the subject of food, check out the microwave ... it's the only kitchen implement teenagers will use. And stock up on microwave meals like frozen curries which will, hopefully, provide a modicum of vitamins in an acceptable form. (If you're worried about their diet, might I suggest crushing vitamin tablets into their food whilst they're not looking - avoid the temptation to crush a few sleeping tablets in there too).
7. Consider taking out a second mortgage. You're gonna need it.
8. Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying the word "No." Don't move away from the mirror until you have mastered this in a thoroughly convincing way. Continually saying yes to their incessant demands for lifts and money will result in major hostilities when you dare to say No for the first time.
9. Toughen up your tongue - chew it all over for at least an hour a day until it has the texture of rhinocerous skin. This will come in handy when they bring a boyfriend/girlfriend home. If you keep quiet about the green haired, tattooed, multi-pierced monstrosity they think is God incarnate, they'll soon get bored and wander off to (hopefully) someone a bit more human - dare to voice your objections and you'll be stuck with the monstrosity for a long, long time.
10. Join a prenatal clinic. The deep breathing exercises are helpful in times of immense stress ... pretty much 24/7. Alternatively, buy a crate of good whisky.
11. Remember, at all times, that they really can't help being so loud/selfish/argumentative/
unreasonable/thoughtless - its just a phase they're going through, their hormones are raging, it'll only last ooooooh 4 years or so.
12. Remove all dangerous items from the house; this includes baseball bats, knives, any sharp objects, any heavy objects and glass from interior doors so they're not to hand when they've Driven You To The Very Edge of Sanity.
13. Keep photographs of their young, innocent faces handy to remind you of what they used to be like. Try not to cry over them too much.
14. Invest in more cushions and pillows, the bigger the better. And probably a couple more crates of whisky, too.
15. Try to avoid resorting to swear words when your tether end has been long surpassed - its not a good example to give them, and apologising afterwards can be a bit grim.
16. Don't bother arguing with them, you'll never win because teenagers are totally without logic. When they're jumping up and down screaming blue murder about the £250 trainers they Simply Must Have, just shrug and smile serenely (and push the cotton wool deeper into your ears).
17. Warn the neighbours about the increased noise levels - both from the screaming matches and from the volume of their music (well, they call it music, you'd probably call it 'Sounds from the Edge of Hell').
18. Whatever you do, don't laugh at their choice of clothing (remember what you wore at that age, probably in the 70's ... say no more). Oh, and try to pick out some distinguishing mark on your teenager so that, in a group of identically dressed teenagers, you might stand a chance of recognising them.
19. Don't expect any help from your teenager whatsoever. They don't do vacuuming, they don't do washing up, they don't do ironing, and they won't have a clue what the washing machine is for. Remember, in the eyes of a teenager, all domestic duties are 'Mothers Domain' (joy).
20. A word here about their bedrooms. They will turn into indoor council tips. Nagging, bribing and threatening just doesn't work, so save yourself the effort and simply forget about the festering filth. Keep their bedroom door shut at all times to avoid contaminating the rest of the house (occasional fumigation might be required).
21. Remember, if they smile at you, they want something (usually money).
22. NEVER expect gratitude. You've kitted out their bedrooms with every state-of-the-art technology conceivable to man, spent hundreds of pounds on petrol driving them places and scrimped for months to buy that expensive pair of trainers for their birthday, but they'll still believe you're Asking Too Much when you dare suggest they put the rubbish bags out on Tuesday night.
23. Once they reach oh-my-god-haven't-they-grown proportions, buy a stepping stool for those moments when you need to give them a swift cuff around the back of the head. Buy old copies of Land of the Giants to pick up tips on how to cope.
24. Remove all telephones from the house unless you enjoy heart resuscitation every time the phone bill arrives.
25. 3 o'clock in the morning is a perfectly reasonable time for a teenager to come home during the week - don't even question this.
26. Teenagers are slobs.Its inbuilt. Nothing will change this.
27. At the onset of hormonal angst your teenager will either abandon personal hygiene altogether or else be constantly hogging the bathroom and all the hot water.
28. Your eloquent child will turn monosyllabic almost overnight. Expect only grunts and dirty looks for at least the next two years.
29. Teenagers don't sleep, they hibernate - draped over the kitchen table, spread out like a starfish in the middle of the living room, or huddled up on the lawn during a thunderstorm. You have more chance of finding the Loch Ness Monster in your garden pond than rousing a teenager from bed in the morning.
30. Remind yourself that teenagers are retribution for what we did to our parents, so just accept the inevitable and keep dreaming of peaceful times (when they've left home and you sit there sobbing that you miss them).
Later, GrocerJack
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