THERE is no worse feeling than leaving your mobile at home and then returning to no missed calls or messages.
THERE'S nothing you could wish for in life that you couldn't buy from a man in a pub. The trick is to find the RIGHT man in the RIGHT pub.
ATTENTION fat people! Diet Coke is not a magic potion.
NEVER go to Wolverhampton. It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.
PEOPLE who say "I'm beside myself" are often liars. With the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.
HAVING "JUICY" written across your bum does not make it any smaller or more desirable.
UNDER no circumstances should two men ever share the same umbrella.
CHIPS should never cost more than a pound
PRACTITIONERS of alternative medicine should be banned from using hospitals. Broken your leg? In unspeakable pain? Have a little faith. Put a
crystal on it - you'll be right as rain in no time.
NEVER channel surf on Sky when there is a break. Every channel will have a break at the same time.
IF you can't believe it's not butter, you're an idiot.
CATS know more than they let on.
LENNY Henry isn't very funny.
MIDDLE-AGED couples! Kissing on public transport is not proving you can find love at any age. You just look like you're having an affair.
BEGINNING a sentence, "Now, don't get angry..." will always have the reverse effect.
NO T-shirt is ever worth more than £20.
NOBODY has ever read the small print of a mobile-phone insurance contract.
YOU can't skip and be unhappy at the same time.
THERE are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.
KANYE West is not a service station on the M4.
KNOWLEDGE is luggage. Travel light.
YOU can make any lie believable by beginning with the words "In America..."
A BABY On Board sticker on your car's rear window serves no purpose other than to advertise your fertility. Congratulations on being a parent, but the motorists around you weren't planning to plough into the back of your car deliberately.
NEVER pretend you can horse-ride.
NEVER trust a man with a comb-over. If he's lying to himself he's likely to
lie to you too.
TOO many cooks spoil the TV schedules.
DON'T make your voice go up? At the end of every sentence? Please?
DOG owners! Your monstrously large hound is NOT more afraid of me than I am of it.
NEVER "Reply to All". You're not as funny as you think you are.
IT is impossible to sing Copacabana without wiggling your shoulders.
NEVER weigh more than your fridge.
NEVER ever mix sleeping pills and laxatives.
ALWAYS judge a book by its cover. It has been specifically designed to target a certain audience so you can pretty much tell whether you're going to like it or not.
THERE is an inversely proportional relationship between how acceptable a person is and whether or not they have chosen an ringtone with "crazy" in
the title.
ARRIVING anywhere with a pride of lions is guaranteed to draw attention to yourself. Unless you are in Africa.
NOTHING productive can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at two in the afternoon.
YOU can be too rich and too thin.
THE only people you should address as "brother" are your male siblings and monks.
MEN who download Page 3 girl pictures for your mobile! Take a long, hard look at your life.
YOU cannot trust a man whose name is also a verb: Bob; Roger; Russell; Don; Grant; Chuck; Bill.
IF you drink bitter or stout, you invariably are.
YOU can live your life through a computer.
THE baddie is always English.
IF you like your men to be unbalanced and insecure stalkers with unnatural sexual fantasies then simply hang around the air rifle and combat magazine
section in WH Smiths.
IF you are a football manager, don't wear football boots for the game - you won't need them.
NEVER try to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
NEVER trust anyone who has a glass-top coffee table in their living room.
CHRIS Moyles is the only DJ who can be seen from space.
CAMOUFLAGE clothing is rendered useless in towns and cities.
IF you are amused by Giles Brandreth, chop your head off.
Later, GrocerJack
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