Big Black Cloud

And so with a great amount of personal effort I finally dragged my sorry, sulky arse along to the “workshop” organised by The Company to help me learn how to deliver “difficult messages” to people. In other words how to destroy their lives, de-motivate and demoralise them, whilst helping them through the “transition curve”.

What a crock of shit.

As expected, I was patronised from the moment I went in. First we had the obligatory introduction of ourselves, including the obligatory “unusual fact” about you. I find this bit incredibly patronising. Everyone is unique I grant, but some of us have led such dull lives it’s hard to find some unique fact that others might even find remotely interesting. I thought I’d list some unique facts about me of which only one is true (and although other interesting things have happened in my life, none are fit for public consumption, least of all by the automatons I work with)…see if you can work out which is true, and which I actually quoted………

My cousin played Benny’s girlfriend in Crossroads (the one that got killed on her pushbike)

Mark Lamarr used to empty my bins

I went out with Lorraine Kelly just before dating Kate Garraway

I am allergic to water

I have 5 children by 5 different women in 3 different countries

I play the spoons in a Lonnie Donegan tribute band

I once smacked Mark Lamarr in the face after a nightclub drink spilling incident

I survived being hit by lightning when camping with Mark Lamarr on Bodmin

I impersonate Shirley Bassey at weekends for money

I once hit Mark Lamarr with a golf ball from a mis-hit drive

Anyway, it was three hours of “being sensitive”, of “not clobbering nor pussyfooting” of being “supportive yet honest” ….blah blah blah. I mean I’m 44 years old and apparently too much of a fuckwit to realise concepts such as compassion or sensitivity or humility. The course was full of silly little role play sections where to be honest most people sat around and chatted about the football or whatever. Of course, who do I get to role play with all morning? The Babe…..the Director of Pipes, Tubes and Strings, and she chose me!. To be fair she looked as if she wanted to be there as much as I did so maybe she thought I looked like a laugh, which of course I duly was. . So did I let her have both of Jack’s barrels at any point. Did I let her know of my deep dissatisfaction with my job? Did I let her know I write a blog during work time because that’s HOW exciting and fulfilling work is?

What do you think? Remember I suffer from Hypocrititis!

I did leave a warm impression I think as I cracked jokes and acted like a clown during parts of our chats. But did she see the tears of The Clown or did I mask my career unhappiness sufficiently to allow her to think I like what I do? Who knows, like I have said my woes are trivial in comparison to most, and although the slide in my morale has apparently halted I still cannot say the recovery has started, and that’s worrying because by now I’ve normally snapped out of it and decided to continue making a good fist of such a dull role.

At least I know what to expect when someone has to deliver me a a “difficult message”.

Later, Grocerjack