How to install a Dishwasher

Yep, it arrived on its due date so here are my friendly instructions on how to install a semi-integrated dishwasher.

1.) Welcome delivery drivers but be prepared for surly misery guts with one thing on their mind – to drop the dishwasher into the house at the nearest point of entry. (2 mins)

2.) Remain calm when they refuse to take the old one away despite you having paid £13 for this privilege. (5 mins)

3.) Put on your best aggrieved customer voice in order to persuade delivery miseries to place dishwasher in kitchen where it will be installed.(3 mins)

4.) Remove the rest of packing they were supposed to take wit them (10 mins)

5.) Check all the bits are there (5 mins)

6.) Work out what the one extra item is that isn’t listed in any documentation after you’ve found the English section of the 3 different manuals (5 mins)

7.) Place dishwasher in front of the space where it will go. (5 mins)

8.) Run power lead to socket and attach mains hose (5 mins)

9.) Run waste pipe into relevant waste pipe. (1 min)

10.) Prepare to fit furniture door (5 mins, loo break)

11.) Read instructions on how to fit door (20 mins)

12.) Make cup of tea and calm down – read instructions again because they are about as much good as Athletes Foot powder to Heather Mills (20 mins)

13.) After 30 minutes work out how to fit door for yourself as instructions might as well be written in Cantonese and drawn by Picasso. (30 mins)

14.) Swoon as it appears to fit first time and the holes you drilled were perfect. (10 mins)

15.) Slide dishwasher into position (5 mins)

16.) Open door and then work out why the kickboard under sink units immediately pops out.(1 min)

17.) Sigh and swear when you work out that door spacers should have been removed. Check documentation to find out there is no reference to them anywhere. (10 mins)

18.) Remove dishwasher and the door (5 mins)

19.) Remove stupid fucking spacers that shouldn’t have been there anyway and seem to serve no useful purpose other than to piss you off. (5 mins)

20.) Mark and drill new holes in fucking door (5 mins)

21.) Fit the fucking door (10 mins)

22.) Re-mark and re-drill holes to rectify stupid DIY fuckwit basic error you made (5 mins)

23.) Fit door and lose temper when screws won’t go into the allegedly WOODEN furniture door (15 mins)

24.) Try and remove screws that have now had the head sheared away by powered screwdriver (15 mins)

25.) Go and get proper drill with proper drill bit (5 mins)

26.) Scream when drill bit breaks in door (5 mins)

27.) Mark and drill new holes in door using new drill bit (5 mins)

28.) Find new equivalent screws in box you have containing hundreds of assorted screws (10 mins)

29.) What’s this fucking door made of? Diamond?

30.) Re-fit door and attach using near-enough screws (10 mins)

31.) Re-attach mains and hose. (2 mins)

32.) Switch water on at hose connection (1 min)

33.) Run and get bucket to catch water pissing from connection (10 mins – bucket will be hidden away)

34.) Ring LittleSis and beg for plumbers tape. (2 mins)

35.) Switch off water and wait (20 mins)

36.) Sigh with relief when LittleSis arrives with plumbers tape.

37.) Remove hose and put tape around connection (2 mins)

38.) Switch water back on

39.) Drive to shops to get dishwasher salt and rinse aid of which you have run out (15mins)

40.) Add salt and rinse aid (2 mins)

41.) Load with 2 days of washing up no-one could be arsed to do because they knew the new dishwasher was coming (5 mins)

42.) Decide to do in 2 sessions as there is so much washing up on side

43.) Select program and press “play” button (1 min).

44.) Stand back with LittleSis and scratch chin when nothing happens (2 mins)

45.) Select another program and try again (1 min)

46.) Start sweating and worrying that the whole thing is a duffer and a waste of £360 (2 mins)

47.) RTFM * (2 mins)

48.) Press and HOLD the “play” button for 3 seconds.

49.) Hey presto, one fully working and installed dishwasher!

50.) Find spare item with no apparent use and discover in manual that it’s a hard water filter for mains hose (5 mins)

51.) Resolve to fit that another time

52.) Go to pub and drink excessive amounts of Guinness to alleviate stress of doing all this.

53.) Wait 48 hours until you have hangover from Saturday session

54.) Go back next day and fit filter and re-tape connection to water (10 mins)

Easy huh?

Later Grocerjack

*RTFM = Read the fucking manual