World Cup Week 1

Underwhelming

Hopeless

Witless

Clueless

Shite

Fucking Shite


Which one do I go with? All 3, because yesterdays performance versus the high flying world reknowned superstars of Trinidad & Tobago by pub Team England was an amalgam of all 3 adjectives. As usual John Terry was superb, but the worry has to be an indifferent Joe Cole who keeps drifting into the middle of the field instead of sticking out on the left, with his Captain beckham emulating him perfectly. Maybe Sven has asked Joe to do this but the second substitution in a row implies that Sven, like Mourinho gets fed up with him not creating anything worthwhile. Harsh, maybe? But he's not been anywhere near the Joe Cole I saw at Stamford Bridge last year, or the one who destroyed Uruguay and mesmerised Argentina earlier this year.

As for Frank Lampard , well.....we've seen it so many times at Stamford Bridge this season. He's been well off form since the Barcelona games , with only sporadic displays of excellence. These have been very much the exception and I'm afraid his place may also be under threat. He needs to impose himself on the game, and not keep kowtowing to Beckham with continuous sideways or backwards passes to Gerrard or Beckham. Compare his performance against lowly T&T to Ballacks towering midfield show against Poland and Frank may well worry about his place in the Chelsea first team next season. Oh yeah...and for fucks sake Frank, find those shooting boots and SOON!

Gerrard was mediocre until he scored the goal, so from zero to hero in minutes. Poor Frank must have been gutted to see his chances spurned so casually and then to see Gerrard belt one in with his only attempt all game. For me Carragher was also very weak...seemingly a victim of the player seniority virus that used to affect John Terry when playing alongside Sol Campbell, and affects Frank and Joe because of Beckham. Carragher showed yesterday why Gary Neville is first choice at right back and will be for a couple of more years yet. Beckham might eventually be better off filling the right back role with Carrick holding the midfield and allowing Gerrard and Frank to play more forward.

And Ashley Cole? Best left back in the world? Compared to Germany's Lahm he looks lightweight and hesitant. I know he's only just come back but in both games he has made at least 2 complete howlers and has been bailed out by John Terry or Gerrard both times. As for Rio "watch my hair" Ferdinand, drop him. Never let him near an England shirt again until he learns what the terms "commitment" and "focus" mean. Play Carragher alongside JT for this tournament and then get Ledley King in place. Rio - stay away and allow your better brother to take the stage (we should buy him!).

Owen Hargreaves is crap and contributes nothing to the game when on........unless you count poor passing, anonymity and dire tackling as contributions. Hopeless, and surely the fact that no EPL team has tried to prise him away speaks volumes.

Oh yeah.....I forgot to mention Spiderman crouch. Am I the only one who thinks this is another case of "the Emporers New Clothes"? So he's scored a couiple of goals recently, a (non) hat trick against Jamaica and a couple in previous games to that. Yesterday he was EMBARASSING and CRAP. His touch is average at best, his heading is desperately poor and his goal was the result of some blatant dreadlock tugging........imagine if someone did that to Rio to score against us in the 83rd minute (yes.......I know it would be funny and good because of the pain it would cause Rio, but not whilst on England duty!). As for his attempted semi bicycle kick.....pathetic! Owne may not be firing but he will come good.....Crouch is another Paul Mariner. And he was NEVER and England class player. Its a complete mystery as to how he has hoodwinked the coach, the media , the squad and now the bloody press and some fans! He must have a big collection of photo's of people in compromising positions.

And as for his girlfriend. Gorgeous! Truly a beauty of the highest kind. I mean crouch is only one noth above Luke Chadwick in the looks department. His physique doesn't seem to be the type to drive women wild, and judging by his interviews he is yet another "clone" footballer with a personality bypass in place.

Yes........it must be love mustn't it! And yes, that is nothing more than petty and bitter jealousy on my part.

Other observations are

Germany look bloody good. I don't know why the pundits think they're weak, but their displays so far have been way above ours against arguably harder sides. I hope we avoid them in the next stage because I think we'll be out unless dramatic uplifts in our performance start kicking in now.
Italy also looked good against Ghana, who with Essien majestic in midfield looked classy until the last third when they fell foul of terrible and over-hesitant finishing.

Brazil look like Barcelona, fabulous skilled players but definitely suspect against measured and controlled football. They don't like it up 'em! Croatia can count themselves very unlucky.

Holland look like my favourites at the moment. Robben was sensational and with the talent they can field, with the undoubted wisdom of Van Basten at the helm I can see them moving on with ease. Maybe its their turn.

Argentina and Ivory Coast also look good, but I think the naivety that exists in African football will see Ivory Coast fail to qualify.

Spain also looked good against normally tough opposition in Ukraine, but expect their bottle to go at some point. Ukraine looked hopeless and maybe East European football is undergoing decline....Polands demise might be evidence for this. They played poorly against a bright and rythmic Ecuador, but performed OK against a powerful and driven German team. To be honest though if they hadn't got such an in form 'keeper they would have been further buried by 4 or 5 goals.


I'll stick with either Holland or Argentina to win from my logic side, with my heart desperate for England. For many years I lived under the double weight of huge disappointment being both English and a Chelsea fan. Every year seemed to be a repetitive diet of my hope and promise fireworks being pissed upon by bad luck, poor performances and Tim Henman style choking. Now that 50% of that burden has been relieved by The Mighty Blues all I can hope for is some luck and inspiration driving England on to win. But my gut feeling is that until Sven Fuckwit Eriksson (Mogadon Man) has left the scene and taken his sleep inducing half time speeches, tactical fuuckwittery and unswerving Italian-like faith in defending the one goal lead philosophy with him.

For me, our chances are down to two. Slim and None. And whilst Slim hasn't ridden out of town just yet, he has his horse loaded and packed.

Yippee Kie-Ay Motherfuckers as Bruce Willis once said.

Later GrocerJack