Service Suspended

Remember my story about my nutty neighbour Hornblower? Its here if you care to read it........

I am taking a few days off (maybe) because on Friday evening I received a letter from Hornblower, signed with his own fair hand , demanding large sums of money off of me and members of my family and friends.

Yep, blackmail, you've got it. And so have C.I.D now.

I will tell more when it becomes clear whats happening. In the meantime my bravado, flippancy and incredulousness has now transformed into fear , anger and loathing. Such is the vile nature of the letter I have allowed it to get under my skin and play on some very dark fears.

I'm away on holiday next week. When I return I may well show you all the letter, with names altered to protect the innocent, but until then I don't want to do anything here, anonymously or not which may threaten my families security or harm the police case against this guy.

But the previous article on him might give you a clue as to what I have to live next door to.

Later, WorriedJack

World Cup Week 2

There's a party going on in Germany.

A fiesta of all that is great about the beautiful game.

Fantastic skills are on display, great players strut the pitch like preening peacocks showing their plumage, goals that defy laws of physics are being scored.

The world is having a party that even Iran joined in.

And in the corner, sulking away slowly, moaning about the heat and the noise, and the attention sits England. The party poopers of Europe have turned up to each match so far and displayed a brand of football that belongs on Hackney Marshes. Yes...I know Joe Coles goal was special, as was Gerrards against the might Trinidad & Tobago, as was Beckhams against that footballing monster of Ecuador.

But it ain't pretty. It ain't good to watch. It ain't fun.

Eriksson has made me almost apathetic with his brand of uninspiring and dull football. If we win (and yes I hope we do) then all we can wish for is a players revolt that ignores the fatuos Swede's Italian footballing, reverse lights on tanks mentality brand of football.

Later, GrocerJack

World Cup Week 1

Underwhelming

Hopeless

Witless

Clueless

Shite

Fucking Shite


Which one do I go with? All 3, because yesterdays performance versus the high flying world reknowned superstars of Trinidad & Tobago by pub Team England was an amalgam of all 3 adjectives. As usual John Terry was superb, but the worry has to be an indifferent Joe Cole who keeps drifting into the middle of the field instead of sticking out on the left, with his Captain beckham emulating him perfectly. Maybe Sven has asked Joe to do this but the second substitution in a row implies that Sven, like Mourinho gets fed up with him not creating anything worthwhile. Harsh, maybe? But he's not been anywhere near the Joe Cole I saw at Stamford Bridge last year, or the one who destroyed Uruguay and mesmerised Argentina earlier this year.

As for Frank Lampard , well.....we've seen it so many times at Stamford Bridge this season. He's been well off form since the Barcelona games , with only sporadic displays of excellence. These have been very much the exception and I'm afraid his place may also be under threat. He needs to impose himself on the game, and not keep kowtowing to Beckham with continuous sideways or backwards passes to Gerrard or Beckham. Compare his performance against lowly T&T to Ballacks towering midfield show against Poland and Frank may well worry about his place in the Chelsea first team next season. Oh yeah...and for fucks sake Frank, find those shooting boots and SOON!

Gerrard was mediocre until he scored the goal, so from zero to hero in minutes. Poor Frank must have been gutted to see his chances spurned so casually and then to see Gerrard belt one in with his only attempt all game. For me Carragher was also very weak...seemingly a victim of the player seniority virus that used to affect John Terry when playing alongside Sol Campbell, and affects Frank and Joe because of Beckham. Carragher showed yesterday why Gary Neville is first choice at right back and will be for a couple of more years yet. Beckham might eventually be better off filling the right back role with Carrick holding the midfield and allowing Gerrard and Frank to play more forward.

And Ashley Cole? Best left back in the world? Compared to Germany's Lahm he looks lightweight and hesitant. I know he's only just come back but in both games he has made at least 2 complete howlers and has been bailed out by John Terry or Gerrard both times. As for Rio "watch my hair" Ferdinand, drop him. Never let him near an England shirt again until he learns what the terms "commitment" and "focus" mean. Play Carragher alongside JT for this tournament and then get Ledley King in place. Rio - stay away and allow your better brother to take the stage (we should buy him!).

Owen Hargreaves is crap and contributes nothing to the game when on........unless you count poor passing, anonymity and dire tackling as contributions. Hopeless, and surely the fact that no EPL team has tried to prise him away speaks volumes.

Oh yeah.....I forgot to mention Spiderman crouch. Am I the only one who thinks this is another case of "the Emporers New Clothes"? So he's scored a couiple of goals recently, a (non) hat trick against Jamaica and a couple in previous games to that. Yesterday he was EMBARASSING and CRAP. His touch is average at best, his heading is desperately poor and his goal was the result of some blatant dreadlock tugging........imagine if someone did that to Rio to score against us in the 83rd minute (yes.......I know it would be funny and good because of the pain it would cause Rio, but not whilst on England duty!). As for his attempted semi bicycle kick.....pathetic! Owne may not be firing but he will come good.....Crouch is another Paul Mariner. And he was NEVER and England class player. Its a complete mystery as to how he has hoodwinked the coach, the media , the squad and now the bloody press and some fans! He must have a big collection of photo's of people in compromising positions.

And as for his girlfriend. Gorgeous! Truly a beauty of the highest kind. I mean crouch is only one noth above Luke Chadwick in the looks department. His physique doesn't seem to be the type to drive women wild, and judging by his interviews he is yet another "clone" footballer with a personality bypass in place.

Yes........it must be love mustn't it! And yes, that is nothing more than petty and bitter jealousy on my part.

Other observations are

Germany look bloody good. I don't know why the pundits think they're weak, but their displays so far have been way above ours against arguably harder sides. I hope we avoid them in the next stage because I think we'll be out unless dramatic uplifts in our performance start kicking in now.
Italy also looked good against Ghana, who with Essien majestic in midfield looked classy until the last third when they fell foul of terrible and over-hesitant finishing.

Brazil look like Barcelona, fabulous skilled players but definitely suspect against measured and controlled football. They don't like it up 'em! Croatia can count themselves very unlucky.

Holland look like my favourites at the moment. Robben was sensational and with the talent they can field, with the undoubted wisdom of Van Basten at the helm I can see them moving on with ease. Maybe its their turn.

Argentina and Ivory Coast also look good, but I think the naivety that exists in African football will see Ivory Coast fail to qualify.

Spain also looked good against normally tough opposition in Ukraine, but expect their bottle to go at some point. Ukraine looked hopeless and maybe East European football is undergoing decline....Polands demise might be evidence for this. They played poorly against a bright and rythmic Ecuador, but performed OK against a powerful and driven German team. To be honest though if they hadn't got such an in form 'keeper they would have been further buried by 4 or 5 goals.


I'll stick with either Holland or Argentina to win from my logic side, with my heart desperate for England. For many years I lived under the double weight of huge disappointment being both English and a Chelsea fan. Every year seemed to be a repetitive diet of my hope and promise fireworks being pissed upon by bad luck, poor performances and Tim Henman style choking. Now that 50% of that burden has been relieved by The Mighty Blues all I can hope for is some luck and inspiration driving England on to win. But my gut feeling is that until Sven Fuckwit Eriksson (Mogadon Man) has left the scene and taken his sleep inducing half time speeches, tactical fuuckwittery and unswerving Italian-like faith in defending the one goal lead philosophy with him.

For me, our chances are down to two. Slim and None. And whilst Slim hasn't ridden out of town just yet, he has his horse loaded and packed.

Yippee Kie-Ay Motherfuckers as Bruce Willis once said.

Later GrocerJack

True?

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS:	SAFER:	SAFEST:	ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner?	Can I help you with dinner?	Where would you like to go for dinner?	Here, have some chocolate.
Are you wearing that?	Wow, you sure look good in brown!	WOW! Look at you!	Here, have some chocolate
What are you so worked up about?	Could we be overreacting?	Here's my paycheck.	Here, have some chocolate.
Should you be eating that?	You know, there are a lot of apples left.	Can I get you a glass of wine with that?	Here, have some chocolate.
What did you DO all day?	I hope you didn't over-do it today.	I've always loved you in that robe!	Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands for:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and finally

13. Potential Murder Suspect

What next........banning ads for sunscreen?

Well, the Nanny Government strikes again. According to news reports, they are about to ban the advertising of so called "junk food" before the 9pm watershed. Apparently this will transform the health of the nations children overnight. Yes, thats right, by banning the heinous and pornographic images of crisps, fizzy drinks and burgers, our children will miraculously lose weight and become fitter! of course they will!

Just like banning certain books means you never get any political dissenters, banning plays stops people forming opinions on the subject matter and banning TV programmes prevents ideas and bad things influencing people. Remember what happened when they banned "Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood........thats right it went to number 1 and stayed there for weeks, feeding voraciously on the oxygen of publicity the ban provided.

It is , of course utter cobblers. Initiatives like this don't make any immediate impact. Its arguable they make any long term impact. Banning ads for smoking didn't stop people from continuing or even starting. The decline of smoking came from years and years of education on its effects, using the power of fear, bans on where you could smoke, punitive taxes and eventually the momentum of peer pressure into making it an unacceptable habit unless done in complete privacy.

Like most people I enjoy the odd Pepsi, the odd Big Mac or kebab, and even an occasional packet of crisps. Are they that bad? Are they any worse than say....a homemade Steak and Ale Pie, vegetables and Chips as served in my local? Any worse than in nutritional content than some of Gordon Ramseys desserts? What do you class as junk food? How harmful is a Diet Pepsi each day for Baby if she's washing down a salad with it?

You see my point here. What children eat is down to a number of factors, such as location, age, likes and sislikes. It also comes down to parental supervision at appropriate ages, but if a 15 year old is out with friends shopping, how do you control what they eat? Do you ban under-18's from KFC's or MacDonalds? Do you make certain foods illegal? Do you ban burgers, but not steak, or ban KFC breasts but not Lidl Chicken Breasts (which may contain all sorts of growth hormones).
Its a non-argument in my view. Some food are beter for you than others, but surely education should allow people the right to choose whats best for them and their children according to their means?

And if things are so bad with our diet...how comes we're all living that much longer that the Nanny Government wants us to retire later? How comes life expectancy is growing, and still growing? Wouldn't the country be better of if we all popped our clogs earlier?

Another example of Nanny Government knowing whats best for us and legislating without reference. A load of old tripe......unless of course thats banned as well.

And don't even get me started on Crystal Meth!

Later GrocerJack

The REAL Big Day

....is of course here, and it's the World Cup, being held in Germany.

For the next 4 weeks, including the one where I'm on my annual golf holiday to Sunny Espana.

4 weeks of back to back football of the highest quality, with real and genuine drama, interspersed with moments of breathtaking skill and no doubt stultifying boredom will be beamed across the globe into our homes. I for one find this simply the biggest sporting spectacle ever. Forget the Olympics - no one ever chants songs in unison to an individual, nor do the “team sports” ever manage to create the same level of dedication and blind optimism from fans that football does. The Olympics, whilst no doubt occasionally thrilling can never match the drama of a single match played over 90 minutes, maybe 120 or more if extra time or penalties are involved. Even as a neutral for the non-England games its great to pick a team and try to see how they progress. I know for some people it is a kind of quadrennial nightmare, with their precious soaps or gardening programmes rescheduled, or the increase in football widows and widowers but hey, those are most definitely in the minority here. Even the normally apathetic seem to enjoy the whole spectacle and try to embrace the competition for what it is – simply the biggest and most inclusive sporting even on the planet.

And the world should embrace it just beacause its something the Yanks don’t actually control or dominate!

If you don’t like football then its time you grew up and got with the game pal!

So ,here’s a Jack opinion on all of the participating countries involved ….

You’re all shit except England!

Later StGeorgeJack

It's here at last!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Big Day Arrives

Well, it’s finally here at last.

The one we've been waiting for........

After such a long wait, the tension has been building and building.

The drama will unfold before our very eyes.

The modern day God of TV will capture all of the excitement and beam it directly into our homes and hearts......live....as it happens.

Millions of people will wait in anticipation, sat on the edge of their seats, barely able to contain their excitement.

So many starry eyed dream filled hopefuls entered, and so many failed to make the final stages.

Only one can win of course, so even more will have their hopes and dreams dashed. The nation will watch with bated breath just to see who…………………

Wins the Kit Kat draw to enter the Big Brother House!

Later, Couldn’tGiveAShitJack

Its all a bit gay isn't it?

According to more members of PC Bollocks Brigade, Radio 1's Chris "Fatman" Moyles is guilty of being homophobic by his casual use of the word "gay" to describe a dance as a bit rubbish. In fact some PC prick, Tim Lusher, no doubt from Sensitive Souls R Us wrote an article in yesterdays Guardian stating just as much. Apparently Stonewall and the rest of the hand-wringing " lets all love each other" community object to the misappropriation of the word "gay" from meaning homosexual to meaning " a bit crap, a bit second rate, a bit rubbish" .

Well, here's a bit of news PC Bollocks et al. I object just as strenuously to the homosexual community's misappropriation of the word gay from meaning "happy, carefree, jolly" to meaning "homosexual". In a similar vein your reclamation of the word "queer" pisses me off because I was bought up to believe it meant "odd" or "weird" and not what your favoured sexual activities are.

I have no objection to homosexual people. I do not believe it is a lifestyle choice for the majority (because lets face it some people do choose to be a bit wild) and am happy to accept it is an inherent part of their being. I have no objection to their equal billing in society and am glad that Civil Partnerships are now legal and recognised in the UK (although Marriage in the guise of Matrimony is really a holy Roman Catholic sacrament and as such this is the wrong phrase to use) because that is only fair and right. I may not like the adopted "mincing" of parts of the male "gay" community or the equally horrible "butch" dyke Kwik Fit Fitter image some lesbians choose to adopt, but levels of commitment to each other should be recognised equally in law irrespective of the gender of the related parties.

But please, the message to the fudge packers and bean flickers is stop whining about a teenage fad around the use of the word "gay". You stole the word first, now someone else is stealing it from you! It just highlights the rich flexibility of the glorious English language.

Get over it.

Later GrocerJack

Three Cheers

One dead death worshipping evil twisted motherfucker down, lots more to go. Don't speak ill of the dead?

I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad his mates died. I hope all of his followers die.

Painfully.

So, Farewell then Zarqawi. You were the archetypal evil malevolent cunt and with any luck your body is being greased with pork fat, and covered in bacon rashers as I write.

And to all the PC Bollocks Brigade and your undoubted bleeding heart "fair trial" crap.....its plain and simple. He didn't care who he killed , Christian or Muslim. He represented no-one and reigned by fear and terror. He was a twisted evil prick guilty of bringing nothing but pain and misery to people wherever he went.

He DESERVED to die, and DIDN'T deserve any sort of trial, fair or otherwise. Where terrorists are concerned my objection to the death penalty flies out of the window. Especially where the executuon is summary.

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

Simple.

Later, SmilingJack

PC PC reporting for duty

What a complete prick this Clive Wolfendale is. Apparently he's some sort of Deputy Chief Constable for North Wales or some such place. When will these people learn that flying the flag of your chosen country is NOT fucking racist unless accompanied by Combat 18/BNP tossers chanting "Blacks Out" or similar? Or if the flag is draped with other blatantly obvious racist slogans.

Unless I'm mistaken, the largest part of the UK (area and population wise) , England, has qualified for the Football World Cup and is the sole representative of the UK. Thats tough for those English haters but hey, life is tough and they just better get used to the fact that in football terms England has been, and probably always will be the most successful nation from the UK.

The English people contribute more to this nations wealth than the others do COMBINED. We (the English) subsidise their education and their health and a whole raft of other economic and socio-political areas of their lives ,whilst they get their own parliaments, with their own votes on their own issues and are encouraged to celebrate their own disitnctive cultures. The minute The English try the same thing, the PC/Bleeding Heart wankers that infest our society come out collectively wringing their sorry hands to denigrate this and to try and make people like me feel guilty for a colonial imperialist past I had fuck all to do with. Blame the father for their sins not their sons. If there's any wringing to be done its normal people who should be wringing the necks of the PC Bollocks brigade.

In my experience the English "culture" has been washed away over the years by PC Bollocks and his ilk. Yes, we're a diverse multi-cultural society and the richer for that (mostly), but underneath Englishness still seems to be treated as the UK's dirtly little secret. Something to be locked away and hidden and not discussed for fear of inciting poor sensitive Scots/Welsh and Northern Irish.

Lets get this straight....England is part of the UK as much as any of the others , but constitutionally is not treated on anywhere near an equal footing. That needs to change or else its just plain discrimination against the English people and that will lead to further disgruntlement and in fact plays right into the hands of the BNP and the far right. Whenever I've been to Wales or Scotland (NI is still an aspiration) I am incessantly subjected to their Welshness or Scottishness from the moment I cross the border, be it with Welsh dragons and leek symbols, or various tartan decorated signs or whatever. I like this , and welcome it and have no reason to resent it. I certainly don't see it as racist, and consequently English or Welsh people flying the flag in Wales isn't racist either. No doubt some racist knobbers somewhere are trying to capitalise on this, but this is probably the only single example of the English proactively and positively reclaiming something that was hijacked by xenophobic bigoted twats.

Clive Wolfendale and his gang of PC cronies should shut the fuck up and wind their collective (as yet unwrung) necks in and allow people to celebrate what could be a great achievement in peace and without any implied or associated guilt.

Later AnglaisJacque

Really bugged!

So, GMD and the gang arrive back from The Money Pit at the weekend. Apparently the weather was glorious and they had a great time. Isn’t it wonderful how people revel in telling you how great their holiday was especially knowing you haven’t been away and that the weather was pretty grim here (until last Friday anyway!)? I don’t want to sound bitter and twisted….but you can imagine how I feel having them return to enjoy something which has cleaned the coffers of Jacks Bank and Shares Account to a level of nothingness comparable to the vast emptiness of the universe. On top of that a colleague from work had rented it for the previous 2 weeks and since his return has done nothing but tell me how great it was, what bars were good, how to get to the bloody beach club and where his favourite restaurants were! So, everyone knows more about The Money Pit and the surrounding locale than me! Oh yeah, keep bringing on the happy feelings…go on rub a few more joyful stories in about how great your holiday was. My turn will come (July 2^nd to be precise) when I’m off to Spain for a weeks golf, drinking and football with some mates), maybe then I’ll come and regale you all with tales of my joyous week and see how you like it!

The cycling fad is still very much about. I went out virtually every night last week, and on Sunday. Monday night I met up with BigSykes again and we hit a 12 mile round trip ride which took in some frankly breathtaking scenery but also managed to get me covered in hundreds of tiny flies and bugs. God only knows how many of the little buggers I swallowed. Who needs an evening meal after a several courses of kamikaze flies? I forgot the camera but will make sure it comes next time so that I can get some mega-snaps of just how lovely the surrounding area to Jack Palace is.

Despite being under GMD orders last week to “not spend any money whilst I’m away” I did buy one or 2 bits and bobs courtesy of Argos and eBay. For the bike I bought a crash helmet (in case I involuntarily take a flyer one day), a decent U-lock so that no thieving scumbag can nick it and leave me with a very long walk home from somewhere remote, a bike computer to help me gauge just how far I’ve ridden and what speed I’ve done and a Belkin Tunecast II device so that I can play my MP3’s back through my car radio. Apparently though, this capability is illegal in the UK because transmitting a radio signal must be licensed. Its not illegal to use these “re-broadcast” devices (which merely lock the output of the player onto an unused FM frequency in the car) in Europe or the US, so why the hell are we different here? Does UK radio work on different laws of physics to every where else. Honestly we really are up our own arses on some issues in the UK. Anyway I look forward to the day a copper pulls me and charges me with flagrantly flouting the 1949 Telegraphy Act of Great Britain, as if he’d even know about such a thing! I just don’t get why the choice for radio across the rest of the civilised world appears so great, and yet here it is so restricted.

And one last thing for this post…………Heather Mills McCartney was apparently a porn star! Lucky bloke I’d say because these porn stars surely know their business. As Ali G once stated, shouldn’t Porn Stars become Sex teachers so that we all know how to be good at it, having learned from real experts? What made me simultaneously laugh and boil about the whole affair was The Sun’s “holier than thou” attitude to the whole thing. They talked of “depraved acts” and a “filthy past” etc. Hmm……when did The Sun’s hacks become monks then? What do they do in bed then…….lights off, fumbling for discrete flaps in nighties and flies in pyjamas (all flannelette of course) and a peck on cheek afterwards? This coming from a paper that has shown topless women on Page 3, some only teenagers, since time immemorial and has regularly revelled in printing covertly gained pictures of celebs in various stages of undress, whether on beaches or just “popping out” whilst at a ceremony. To think people still read this shite!

Later, GrocerJack.