Mindless entertainment…….

Sometimes I just want to get in from work and watch something mindless, a chance to switch off the brain and be taken somewhere nice and untaxing. I don’t mean the Australian jungle where I can watch former, wanabee, and neverwillbe celebrities allow themselves to be publicly and ceremoniously humiliated in order to sharpen the double edged sword of raised profile/flagging career boost whilst raising money for “charidee mate”. Nor do I mean entering the world of Soapland, although I will admit to being a closet admirer of Emmerdale, hold a grudging respect for Corrie, which retains it’s darkly northern sense of humour. I hate and detest the soap based in my home town though. Eastenders is as far from being a realistic portrayal of typical Londoners as Liberace was from being a serial womaniser. No, I mean the type of film or programme that doesn’t try your patience, has enough feel-good factors, humour and interest without shoving some cause at me, or reflecting some sort of real life bizarre event or having labyrinthine plotlines. And not something that classes itself as high art, in fact the dumber the better. So here’s a Jack list of my ten favourite bits of utterly mindless, non-thinking, brain relaxing bits of entertainment.

1. Abba Gold – put the disc in, slide the headphones on, ramp up the volume, place glass of Rioja by side, put feet up, shut eyes, visualise band and sing. Nobody does it better….

2. Notting Hill – Dump the “twee, not like real life, sanitized view of Notting Hill” bollocks the critics, snipers and film snobs continually harp on about. That’s exactly the point. It isn’t real - it’s fantasy. And such a stunning simple love story plot - English boy runs bookshop, famous beautiful rich girl enters shop, boy is fumbling bumbling fool (and nobody is better than Hugh Grant at this) , they fall in love, they fall out, they re-unite. Simple, effective, funny, tearful and what the British always do best…show ourselves as flawed, vulnerable, defeatist but ultimately dogged people. The best of the Richard Curtis films by far.

3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles – this is what the yanks do pretty well. Unfeasible unlikely mix ups, love/hate relationships blossoming into mutual dependence and friendship all served up with a Schmaltz filling wrapped up in a slapstick pastry. One of the best movie scenes ever is Steve Martin asking for a replacement car at the airport after the sorely missed John Candy has taken the one he had booked.

4. Friends – any episode, any series. Yup, I have the full set of Friends, all ten series in pristine box sets on marvellous DVD. I thought they were twee, but I got to know the characters, courtesy of American suits who knew a good thing when they saw it and were prepared to let the writers develop the characters and storylines, without affecting the independent standalone nature of each episode. They gave it time to develop and grow irrespective of early ratings mediocrity. And American sit-com is better at doing what real sit-com should do than anyone else, particularly us. They pull you from laugh out loud moments to moments that make you close to tears and then back to laughter gain in minutes. They pull the emotions about with silky smooth ease, without resorting to stupidity or patronising the viewer.

5. Grand Theft Auto – Switch on PS2, insert disc, steal cars, run people over, fight coppers. Mindless, devilishly fun, highly immoral.

6. Phoenix Nights – both series. Never fails to be funny. Never pretends to be anything other than a blatant piss take. Genius.

7. Planet Rock – only available on DAB or via the TV. Plays back to back rock. No soul, no rap, no R&B, no folk, no dance, no garage, no drum ‘n’ bass, no boy bands, no girl bands, no pop, no local news or features, no manufactured bilge from the Simon Cowell production line of utter tripe, no former hospital radio DJ’s and most important of all – no pretensions to be anything other than a balls out rock radio station. Once played “All the things she said” by the now defunct faux lesbian duo TATU, but considering what a masterful and flawless piece of pop this was, can be forgiven and even applauded for doing so. Best listened to with beer not wine.

8. Top Gun – boys own stuff here. Navy boy joins Top Gun Academy, screws trainer, loses partner, falls in love with trainer, has issues with arrogant rival, gets new partner, saves the day, becomes hero, earns respect of rival. The End. All with great flying scenes in fuck-off fighter aircraft that every bloke would like to have a go in! Should be played back as loudly as possible to get the F-14 Tomcat roar to shake the living room windows and the floor to vibrate. As if you were next to the aircraft. Pure stupid mindless escapism.

9. A Fish Called Wanda / Fawlty Towers – John Cleese was still at the height of his powers for the film, despite the gap between that and the imperious Fawlty Towers. Michael Palin as the stuttering Ken, portrayed in a very un-PC (hooray) manner was class, but Kevin Kline is simply majestic as the wonderfully unhinged Otto West. A night in, watching this and then any episode of Fawlty Towers is as near to brain relief as possible.

10. Rocky II – Simple – scene one opens in the hospital hours after Rocky’s narrow defeat to Apollo Creed, ends up with him trying to endorse products on TV, acting (even Stallone acting as acting didn’t really work) and inevitably being forced back into a rematch for money, and to prove it was no fluke. In the middle of this Adrienne (his wife) falls pregnant and nearly miscarries……all together now…...”I want you to do something for me Rock…” “What’s that Adrienne?”……”Win”….”Huh?”….”I want you to win” cue Rocky music, goosepimples, adrenalin flowing and you know the rest. This is the only film I have ever seen in the cinema where the audience stood up at the end and cheered and applauded. Edgware Road Odeon 1977.

None of these are high art, with intricate storylines, or subtlety, neither do they shed light on real events, pretend to be avant garde, propagate conspiracy theories, break new musical ground or challenge my mental state in any real way.

And that’s just the way I want it after a long day at work

Later, Grocerjack