My first 1:1 with The Tub Thumper (TTT) ....abridgedTTT: So then, Jack, how do you feel?
GJ (says): OK, a little worn out but then the last few months have been ....a tad stressful
GJ (thinks) Like you give a shit....
TTT: Why's that?
GJ (says): Well, you know, not knowing what the future holds, not knowing if I'll have a job or who I'll be working for. being promised so much and then having it all taken away
GJ (thinks): Because you're all a bunch of egotistical fuckwits sat in Ivory Towers advancing your careers at the expense of others.
TTT: Well, understandable I suppose. But hey, it's all done and dusted now, and the good news is you're working for me!
GJ (says): Well, that is some good news at last. Although I didn't want to work in Problem Control.
GJ (thinks): Whoopy-fucking-do, an evangelist for a boss who doesn't believe in Evolution and doesn't have a TV and believes the world was created in 7 days. And hey, done and dusted? For fucks sake, have you no Christian compassion?
TTT: You won't be in Problem, you'll be a new team with a new function - Service Performance and Intelligence! SPI........what do you think?
GJ (says): Wow, sounds exciting. When do we start?
GJ (thinks): Smile, look happy, look enthusiastic. How bad can this be? I think I already know.
TTT: Glad you like it. How do you think the team will take the news?
GJ (says): They'll be thrilled! Some closure on the past and something to aim for in the future. They're a hardy bunch.
GJ (thinks): Fuck me, I've got my work cut out placating them. How the fuck do I spin this positively?
TTT: We'll also need to get to work on how we develop you, get you back on track.
GJ (says): Great, it's been a nightmare stagnating in such an environment of uncertainty.
GJ (thinks): Leave me alone. I don't need or want any patronising development. I'm quite happy with my team and role.
TTT: I notice that on your annual review you put 'under review' against long term aspirations, yet The Master told me you were hoping for your F Grade.
GJ (says): Well, I am reviewing my options in light of all the redundancies. It's fair to say my trust in The Company to look after me or even care about my future career is somewhat tainted. F grade looks like a departure lounge to me. And I've got a mortgage and family to look out for.
GJ (thinks): Oh yeah, I'm REALLY gonna put my neck in the noose! Happy comparative anonymity has served me well thus far for 15 years so it might as well serve me that way for the future.
TTT: (silence and bemused look)
GJ (says): I'm Ok with where I am. I'm a bit old to carry any further ambition in The Company.
GJ (thinks): I want to do something else, but as a wage slave I'm fucking trapped. Yep, That should get the blade sharpened!
TTT: Well..I'm surprised. I thought you were a bit more confident and upbeat than that.
GJ (says): Well, 5 months of uncertainty and protecting my team from the rumours and getting them to work as normal has been hard and I'm a little jaded.
GJ (thinks): Is this it? At 46 I've got to be preached at and patronised. Are you really too dim to understand why I'm a bit down?
TTT: Never mind, you have a break coming up so you can recharge the batteries and come back ready to drive the team and yourself on.
GJ (says): Yep, that's what I need, my holiday. I'll come back on full thrust and be ready to lead the team into new campaigns. it's really quite exciting......
GJ (thinks): Christ, she might as well have said 'never mind, have a cup of tea and everything will be fine' - You hypocrite jack, you fucking spineless hypocrite. Tell her the truth! Go on....there's a devil on my shoulder
10 seconds pass....
GJ (thinks): The Angel on the other shoulders smacks The devil in the mouth. Don't be a prick, say the right things, smile and lie through your teeth. it's not about you.....
30 minutes of banal Corporate Bullshit now ensues, relating to 'objectives and goals' and how they plan to engage with the employees to improve the Employee Engagement score.
GJ (says): Mmmmm.....yeah.....OK.......right.....and other reassuring but nonsensical words during this lecture whilst nodding head and with eyes glazing over.
GJ (thinks): Here's an idea for improving Employee Engagement. Don't treat us like fucking morons. Don't treat us like children. Don't make stupid false promises. Don't build up hopes and then dash them. Don't dress up messages in Corporate Gobbledygook Bollocks talk. Don't patronise people. Don't let people see private meeting invites. Don't feed the rumour mill. Tell everyone at the same time what's going on. Don't consult people and then totally ignore their recommendations.
TTT: It's good to have you on board. You'll be a great asset to the team and department.....
GJ (says): It's good to be on board. I'm sure it'll be a great challenge and we can deliver real value to the organisation.
GJ (thinks): Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. I feel sick.
My Hypocrititis, a disease of the mind whereby I do exactly the opposite of what I think and what I want, is back and knows no bounds.
Later, GJ
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