My Perfect Job

In a week of continuing uncertainty as The Company's High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department undergoes yet another "Transformation" ...or as we really know it Re-organization, (although for some reason that word is now forbidden) I thought it was time to think about jobs I'd really like to do. You know what I mean, imagining you're at school but knowing what you know now and choosing something that will make you happy, or rich..or both.

But mostly rich.

Because no matter what they say, I reckon it does make you happy. And if you're rich and not fucking happy then sling your money over here and give it to someone ready to rejoice in it.

It's the same old thing though, a new broom The Beach Babe, promoted from Head of Strings to Big Cheese Chief Head of High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings has slowly but surely built her own "leadership" team by "evolving" certain people in the existing team into other roles, mostly those of a gardening nature, but all of them into "opportunities" elsewhere. I've no real issue with that because unlike the previous incumbent to her role she does have charisma and style, but then so would John Major. In comparison to the barbaric and butcher-like Canadian wanker before that she is the paradigm of perfect people management. But as with all of these things, I never seem to do particularly well, despite having an allegedly good press throughout the department. I think it's my refusal to become part of the F Band Club on their terms by having the clone chip inserted to remove my personality that might be a hindrance.

Anyway there's fuck all anyone can do, so I might as well sit back and see what happens. A few people have already been given "compromise"* deals to go away and never darken the door again, and several more are now at risk so you see why the remainder who have yet to find out where the future lies might be feeling a little tense this week.

* Compromise deals are where they take you into a room, offer you big fat cheque to fuck off, promise not to slag the company off, not to work for a rival and not to sue for unfair dismissal. The deal is usually so goo that no-one ever takes legal action. besides......being offered this sort of sends a message to you don't you think?

So a good time to list those "perfect jobs" then.

1.) Fighter Pilot - wasn't even presented as an option when I was at school. Obviously the careers officers had been given a steer from the RAF that they didn't want cockney accented oiks getting in the way of Bunty, Biggles and Smudger in the officers mess. Either that or they thought I was too thick.

2.) Porn mogul - well, it makes money doesn't it? People alwasy want porn. And ...well if it wasn't me then someone else would do it (and it seems has done) and I'm a nice bloke who genuinely cares for his team!

3.) Professional Golfer - whilst it would be great to be on the "tour", I'd settle for being a club pro with my own little retail business on the club. A great life.

4.) Writer - yes, despite a few episodes of writers block, plus a lack of time and commitment, something I'd love to do would be to write novels and plays. Especially for TV. I'm very jealous of Russell T Davies!

5.) Journalist - similar to above but in the payroll of some media tycoon. Writing about football, golf or cricket would be heavenly although not too good for the liver...or the blood pressure I think.

6.) Radio Presenter - or "DJ" as we used to know them. Except that DJ's now wear sideways baseball caps, are "down wiv der kidz" and instead of happily settling for playing great music have decided to make music. Music that isn't very good. No. really it isn't very good at all.

7.) Painter - no... not the painter/decorator type, but the type who paints pictures of things. Only one small problem here. I can't paint. Or draw. Then again, in these days of modern art challenging boundaries perhaps that makes no difference at all.

And finally......the one I would love to do most ....

8.) Incidental Music person - I would love to be the person who matches the music to the scene on TV or in a film. Whether that's the collage at the beginning or the end of the football, music to intensify a scene or depict the mood of a scene I reckon that has to be one fucking brilliant job.

But of course..in the end I'll do none of the above because that means being brave. It means jumping ship (unless I'm pushed!). It means risking everything at a stage of life where too many other people depend on my monthly wage. It's the sort of thing you're supposed to sort out in your 20's.

Only no-one ever told me that.

Later, Grocerjack