How things change

Go back 15 years to when I was a spritely 29 year old.....

Hmmmm....Scrub that........

Go back 20 years to when I was a spritely rebellious 24 year old "Jack the lad" who's hobbies consisted of drinking lager, pulling women, watching football, going to the pub, smoking, driving my Cortina Mk IV 2.0, smoking the odd spliff, fighting after the Friday night out "clubbing" (and the press thinks this all new?) and doing fuck all exercise because age hadn't undermined the regenerative powers of abuse and copious sleeping.

Imagine you're a time traveller, say Doctor Who for example and you pitch up outside The Carpenters Arms in Hayes End on a sunny Saturday afternoon as Jack and the boys tuck into a boozy afternoon/evening/night session.

"Jack" you say " in 20 years time you'll be a different person"

"Whatever you wanker" comes the stock reply from young Jack

"No you will" says The Doctor "...you'll be listening to a talk based radio station specialising in rolling news and sport..."

*intrigued but disbelieving look from Jack, scorn delivered by mates*

"You'll tune into Radio 2 for your music needs"

"Of course" I reply "knobhead"

"You'll be a golf fanatic, playing every week and going on golf holidays"

*Jack dissolves into Smash advert martian laughter*

"You'll drive a Volvo"

*convulsions of extreme laughter for Jack and mates*

"You'll be a Technical Process Manager"

*Sudden silence and looks of bemusement*

"What the fucks that? " I'd say

"One of The Mysteries of The Universe"...the time traveller would reply before continuing "....you'll no longer read The Sun but will become a Guardian reader"

"Ok you prick, you're no longer funny" Jack would have responded "....you better quit whilst you can or you'll cop an unfortunate one"

But relentlessly he carries on....

"You'll live in a tree lined road, in a detached house in a small rural village, close to the seaside but not in London"

*Silence from Jack...this doesn't sound too bad...don't let your mates see*

"You'll have a wife and two kids, girls...who you'll spoil rotten"

"You'll treat their boyfriends with contempt in much the same way you've been treated by others"

"You'll watch football but not play it"

"You'll give up lager and drink only Guinness or red wine, you'll accumulate a taste for Single Malt Whisky"

"You'll quit smoking"

*Jack and mates quieten down because this sounds like a serious malfunction and betrayal of all they stand for*

"You'll lose your extreme socialist principles and settle into soft Middle England, Middle of the Road politics"

"You'll start to enjoy gardening and DIY"

"You'll get a hankering to do projects around the house"

"You'll holiday in France and buy a mobile home there"

"You'll take your parents in law on holiday with you and enjoy their company"

*more confused looks because this really is alien thought territory*

"You'll hate Radio 1 and Top of the Pops"

"You'll enjoy being grumpy"

"You'll start to enjoy and appreciate Art, both old and modern"

"You'll do a degree in Philosophy and Art History"

"You will become Middle Class"

*palapable scorn, derision and disbelief builds slowly*

and then finally he says

......."Chelsea will win back to back League titles and England will win The Ashes"

The Doctor turns and enters his Tardis. It disappears.

Jack starts laughing out loud, his mates join in.

"What a fucking idiot" Jack says " I thought the lager had done me, or the joint".......his mates laugh loudly but nervously....."I might have believed some of that until he said that bollocks about Chelsea winning the league"

How things change indeed.

Later, GrocerJack