The Dark Night looms again

I had thought there was hope at work as things appeared to be picking up. My turn at the Corporate Bollocks off-site temporarily lifted my own self esteem even if no-one else was impressed. The dull arsed arslikhan fuckwits I deal with are so consumed with their passion for sound-bites and their obsession with getting their fat corporate snouts up the collective arse of The Company’s alleged great and good/movers and shakers (in reality wankers and arseholes) that they wouldn’t recognise a committed and intelligent individual if he pinned them down and pulled out their teeth using a rusty mole grip dipped in fresh dog turd. Such is the level of corporate cock sucking within my work environment that I swear I could fill the next 10 series of The Apprentice with highly motivated obnoxious, power hungry, cash greedy twats that the whole country would unite in hating.

Week by week, day by day I go through the charade of going into work and executing a master-class of deception in pretending to be even remotely interested, or even caring a slight jot about the crap they spout daily at us. How I don’t just snap and physically smack someone. For that alone I deserve something better.

Another small reason for the nuclear winter dark days of my work being transformed into a twilight ambience was because there seemed to be……. not so much an increased level of interesting work, but less mind numbingly dull things were being expected from me. But this was nothing more than a mirage displaying a small oasis in a parched desert of utter corporate banality and bollocks.

I had my annual review last week with The Schoolteacher. It wasn’t good. This de-motivating, uninspiring, uncommunicative moron and I ended up arguing over virtually everything. Not because I hadn’t delivered. Oh no, nothing that simple. No, he wants me to deliver more which may be fair enough, but he also now wants me to tell me HOW to deliver rather than just WHAT. And for me that’s just too much. In my 12 years with The Company I have always delivered exactly what’s been asked and usually more, all by my own fair hand, using all my own attributes. I have never ever not reached the objectives set for me. And now this twat wants to tell me HOW to do things.

Not content with that he also then decided to tell me he was unhappy with feedback from my “customers” and my team! Apparently my mask of deception is so bloody effective that no-one had any real bad things to say about me, in fact it appears only good things were said, which meant he couldn’t set any development objectives for me! The most galling thing is he sent them a questionnaire rating me from 1-10 on various “capabilities” with 6/10 set as “acceptable”. Apparently everyone gave out 7/10 and higher giving an average of 8/10 over all. And this is bad? Good is the new Bad apparently. Oh dear, poor old Schoolteacher. What a bucketful of vomit this is. So, it’s my fault my “customers” and team seem to like me, the way I work and my style? I must be one hell of an actor to be able to pull this off.

This Friday I will finally work from home and try and craft the perfect CV to either move within The Company, or hit the ejector seat button myself and find something I really want to do. Something fulfilling and challenging whilst being enjoyable that keeps the financial wolves from the door…..how hard can that be?

Quite honestly if any organization will die of asphyxiation from having its corporate head stuck up is own arse, then The Company is heading the queue. Last week it announced that it had decided on “centralized outsourcing opportunity model” for it’s Global I.T operations”. Interesting use of the word “opportunity” isn’t it? I wonder how the potential 6000 or so employees who potentially lose holidays, pensions, share schemes, possibly even jobs and other benefits feel about this “opportunity”. Although the way I feel I might prefer to be affected by this in order to take a decent pay off and do my own thing (head brimming with ideas on what business I could start).

Listed below is a small collection of the crap buzzwords and phrases I hear each day.

Capabilities

Synergies

Leadership (we don’t have Management anymore, they’re all Leaders apparently)

Performance management for our people

Optimizing resources

Business Partners – apparently we don’t have other internal departments anymore, they’re all Business Partners, so we have Supply Chain Business Partners, Finance Business Partners and yep, they’re now all abbreviated to BP’s ……… *vomits again*

Roadmaps

External market comparison

Vision statement

Mission statement

That’s enough……I can’t take any more corporate gobbledygook bollocks phrases. Remember The Office? That’s where I work.

The slide is back on, maybe its time to enjoy the ride.

Later, GrocerJack