I've come across the odd fuckwit numpty in my time. Usually I just ignore them, or try and cater for them if they decide they must converse with me. Some of them run their own business and it amazes me that these morons make a living. Today I met a ....whats the collective term....ah yes...a pair of cunts. In the form of Sky TV (non)installer and Sky TV Customer Service. I can only further describe the (non) installer as an Amoebic Brain Celled Wanker who I doubt would qualify for a single MacDonalds star.
"Hello mate, your mobile's unavailable " were the first words he said. I may be wrong but how about "Good Morning, I'm here to install Sky" wouldn't that be more normal and acceptable. I asked him to try again as I've already taken several calls this morning. He tries, number unavailable and hands me his phone. "there you go ...told you" he says. I then point out that if he actually dials the right number instead of transposing the last 2 digits to end in 67 as opposed to 76 he might be more successful. "Oh right he says, they must have written it down wrong" .....I look at the order and no they haven't. They are right and this festering useless piece of human detritus is just wrong. So very wrong in every way.
"Oh, you're a Chelsea fan are you" was the next conversational gem to tumble from his brain disengaged mouth. ...."I'm an Arsenal fan meself...we didn't have to buy the title...." he tittered. At this point I'm thinking "Just install it you cunt and fuck off".
But it got worse.
You see there was a problem. I have a cladded house. Not cladding as in multi-coloured stone tat so stunningly trendy in the 70's. No merely cladded with discreet grey tiles front and back. To be honest it's not something I've ever noticed before. We just liked the look of the place and bought it as seen. Apparently because I wanted the "multi-room" install it would have meant siting the dish and then running individual cables around the outside of the house and through the tiles. So Gumby Fuckwit says " Can't do this install coz I'm not insured for tile drilling...I'll ring Sky and they will have to get an "independent" to do the job". Not unreasonably I ask him why he can't put the dish on the side of the house (still clear view to satellite) and run all the cables through the brick work and run the cables to each room internally. The answer "nah needs a specialist to do that and we just install dishes"
Craftsmanship huh?> You just can't beat it. He rings his boss "Jamie" who apparently says "don't touch the job". So, he says he'll ring Sky and let them know and they can contact me to make an alternative arrangement. "It's not going to happen today though is it?" I say..."I've taken the day off for this" i stress. "Yeah well,, niuffink I can do about it he says" At this point the red mist has descended and something along the lines of this comes from my fury-infested brain.......
"So, you're telling me that you can't seek an alternative way of connecting even though I've pointed this out to you?"
"What do Sky do...employ the thickest people on the planet to come out and piss people off"
"Are you just a waste of space?"
" You might as well just fuck off then and stop breathing my air"
etc etc
And off he trundles, no doubt thinking "That'll teach him to support Chelsea".
Sjy then ring and tell me that as they can't install cladded properties they'll refund the money and cancel the order. I ask them if they can arrange for an "independent" to come and do the work instead of the plankton minded fool they sent this morning
"No, we don't offer that service. We may do in the future, but you have to shop around and pay them to do the work. Of course that means we can't do the same deal on the boxes and the package"
"What no alternative at all, no contingency. Thats it! Tough Shit Jack"
All I heard from that point was ...."Blah blah blah". So for the ultimate in fist class shitty customer experience then I heartily recommend Sky TV. They now join the ranks of The Fucking Bastards...organisations who seem to be adept in screwing peoples lives up. If they turned up here now, giving free blow jobs with each install I would still send them packing with the business end of a garden hoe shoved up their arse so far they'd have trouble swallowing.
And so I have had to jump into my humble pie lorry and drive up to the door of my former partner, the mistress NTL, apologise for being seduced into temptation and plead with them to not cancel my TV, and could they please re-instate the phone from BT that was transferred just 3 days ago. And within 5 minutes the soothing scottish lilt of the NTL lady, forgave me and welcomed me back to warm enbracing bosom of Cable TV and phone, all for the same monthly outlay as before.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Including me.
Later, GrocerJack
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