A Weekend Laugh

It's old, youve seen it before but how this still makes me laugh. It's probably not even true, but who cares. Picture yourself as the listener.......

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married
or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he
or
she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person
is
also
asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this
wife's
work
number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch
tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

G'Day, Grocerjack

Done and dusted

Thats it , the exams are finished. And yes, they were fucking unbelievably hard. Vague ambiguous questions, a chioice of doing 5 from...errrr 5 .....for two whole days, three hours of solid handwriting, admin time included within the three hours. It was like a trip back to the 1800's. All that was missing was a quill pen and inkwell. So, normal-ish service resumes today.

Thoughts on events........

George Galloway - Why are the septics so determined to nail this fool? Whilst it is admirable to have committed views and show unswerving loyalty to them, lets not forget this man was a yes man for Saddam. he really isn't worth the effort.

George Best - yes I know he is a football legend. However, he received a new liver on the grounds that he would not drink again. He lasted 6 months before going back out on benders. meanwhile someone, somewehere died for want of a liver. Someone who may have been more likle y to stay off the booze. I don't want him to die, but lest we forget the beatings to his wife, the piss poor role model, the general mysoginism, the homophobic nature of his personality and perhaps he's not quite the "hero" painted by the media. In fact he's more like a normal bloke than most of us would admit. If he lives, then I hope he learns a lesson, stays off the booze and proves that the death of his donor wasn't wasted.

Bedshaped - leaves a comment saying Floyd are touring next year. Does anyone, anywhere know if this is true. Google searches just turn up denials! My credit card awaits the tour dates......

George Bush - at fucking last, it appears that the good ol' US of A residents are finally seeing him for the fool he is. Rising deaths in Iraq and misjudged appointments to the Supreme court, seem to have taken the wind from his sails. Good. lets hope the lessons are learned for the next election, but what's the odds on an Iran invasion before then?

Iran - see where this furore over the Iranian President's comments on Israel is leading? Frightening isn't it? I just think this is bollocks rhetoric that could have come from any Middle Eastern despotic state. Substitute Iran for Syria, Iraq, Egypt etc....what's the difference? The Israeli's are hated, they know that, they live with it. So why does the world feel outraged that a tin pot state like Iran says things like this? Fuck 'em. Ignore 'em. Cut off ALL relations with them, turn them into a pariah like North Korea. Stop all business with them, including any related to oil. Bleed the fuckers dry. Then see how long the President lasts. If he stays, then so what? If he goes then let them do the work to rejoin the world community. Don't waste time, effort and people on another unnecessary war. the biggest weapon is money and that's controlled by the banks and big corporations. They could cut the supply off easily and with little effect on shareholders. Remove that link, drive the country back to the stone age through poverty and see what happens.

It's good to be back.

Later, GrocerJack

Ephemeralism revisited

Ephemeral - definition

1. Lasting for a markedly brief time: “There remain some truths too ephemeral to be captured in the cold pages of a court transcript” (Irving R. Kaufman).
2. Living or lasting only for a day, as certain plants or insects do.

n.

A markedly short-lived thing.

Or in other words, the shelf life of most modern bands/singers/artistes. And what's more its trendy to be an "ephemeralist". Yeah thats right. It's hip, it's funky. In fact looking throughout "blogland" it would appear that to be anything other than an ephemeralist consigns you to the scrapheap of life. It means you've lost the plot and settled into middle aged complacency, happy with what you like, sad in the fact that you have discovered what is good, what is to your taste. The ephemeralist movement is made up of bright young "Nathan Barley" types, or ageing faux-academics desperately trying to hang on to their youth by being "down with the kids". By putting a spring lamb suit over their increasingly largesse mutton interiors. Not me though. At 44 I love my increasingly jowly, spreading mutton interior, masked only by fading cockney cheeky chirpy chappy charm.

I love being the founder of the GoGB and revel in my increasingly unwitting cynicism and curmudgeonliness. My lack of "ephemeralism" as a primary guiding force in my life means I can appreciate great things from the past, things I discovered through trial and error.

I don't feel obliged to sit in a dinner party and rave about Norah Jones (dull, dull, dull) or harp on about the breathtaking talent of Pete Doherty (the single most insulting thing music has endured recently - a talentless, self-absorbed, lowlife piece of shit). I KNOW I don't like Dance or Hip-hop. I know I detest Drum 'n' Bass. I don't want to force myself to listen to bilge just in order to find some merit in it. You see, most of these bands will not last. Their future lies in the path of a moderate hit album, some critical acclaim, a hit album, some critical disdain, loss of record deal, gigging in pubs, capped off with an appearance on the "guess who" section of Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Should an act reach the dizzying heights of critical acclaim and hit albums then in the world of ephemeralism they are dead. I have my ephemeral moments of course, that's the nature pop music. To occasionally dig out some gem from an unknown. It's sad to say that I discovered The Killers because 5-Live or BBC-1 used the intro from Smile Like You Mean It as a trailer for one of their programmes. Whatever, it is unorthodox but it worked for me. I sought it out, listened, liked, downloaded, bought.

But what I'm talking about this the current trend to constantly be listening to and talking up "new music" whilst denigrating talented bands simply because ....well for no other reason than the fact is that through hard work and talent they have become successful and have made a successful career from music. Hence the current trend to dismiss Coldplay......"so much yesterdays thing daaahling don't you know...." The trend and peer pressure that says " Oh......yah, I downloaded the latest album by Fiery Ringpiece and the Anal Fissures" or similar bollocks simply to show just what a cool and deep thinking person you are is just another insidious weapon in the armoury of Faux-snobbery. Another way to try and make an impression of yourself that says to others "Hey , I'm cool...I'm contemporary.....I'm BETTER than you because you don't know who I'm talking about and therefore you are IGNORANT. "

It's fine to say you like an album or song from obscure artists...no problem, but to then summarily dismiss a band or artist simply on the ground that success has tainted them shows a level of arrogance that insults the millions who may enjoy that bands output. In the ephemeralists world Populism is almost the equivalent of getting your tackle out at a lesbian wedding and saying "anyone want to put their gums on these plums?". It's demonstrated usually by sad little fuckwits desperately trying to lift their status in order to give their lonely little lives a lift.

I love the fact that a band can make three or thirty albums and actually maintain or increase the quality each time. Thus I say step forward Coldplay, a band who make fucking good music, with good lyrics and great tunes aligned with excellent musicianship. A band that actually cares about its output, tries to live a good life, tries to enstertain and take its music to the fans (note the number of festivals they did this year). Stand up U2. Welcome Oasis. Come back Pink Floyd. All bow to the Manics (Lifeblood was triumphant in my view...more of the same..the stuff that works). I could go on naming bands or artists that still knock out good stuff. They may not be trendy in Lundun-innit. It may not be innovative, but just how much innovation is left? Antony and the Johnsons? Music for necrophiliacs. Babyshambles.....hmm just Shambles would suffice. James Blunt anyone? James...well something that rhymes with Blunt anyway. How much in music hasn't already been done? If you sell truckloads of stuff, why tear the formula up? Why deliberately seek out obscurity in order to satisfy some unwritten decree of Artisticness that says only obscurity means credibility? Why try to alienate the very people who gave you the success you so obviously craved by being a musician anyway? Oh yeah, of course they didn't care about the fame did they....nah...that's why they went into the most celebrity obsessed, star-struck industry of all.....but that's another rant.

Crush Ephemeralism. Long live talent.

Long live longevity.

Later, GrocerJack

Fucked...but I won the golf and the Dummy Award

Yeah, completely fucked would be a good description of how I feel after the excesses of last week. It was exactly as I said in my last post, except it wasn't Guinness, it was Beamish, which turned out to be an able substitute.

It's a long long time since I drank like that for 4 nights on the trot, including the various nips of rather lovely single malts, rums and brandies experienced on the golf courses. I've witnessed boxer short snooker, men unable to direct into the bowl and consequently wetting their jean fronts, naked men in red ties, my swimming cossie being paraded for all to see after dinner (yes, it is quite small for a chubby chap like me!). I've even seen an out of control buggy careering backwards down a hill at 30mph in pouring rain ending up in a rather deep ditch with a somewhat shocked driver inside. I saw Shotts being awarded the dummy (as in baby's dummy) for being a brown nose to Jaimo, Jaimo having won the night before. Believe me this dummy has been to places you don't want to know. It is NOT for sucking on! The winner has to wear it for the whole evening around their neck. I won it on the last night so get to keep it for a whole year until the next holiday. The idea is that its given to those that perform acts of stupidity, anger or misery whilst playing golf, however you can include any event over the whole year when nominating the winner. The holder chooses the next dummy wearer, and you can only hold it yourself once in any single year. Aren't I the lucky one. Yes, I know it all sounds rather childish, but hey we're blokes and it's about time I did something childish again. Being an adult is ohhh so boring all the time.

And to cap it all I won the main competition on Wednesday with 34 points (14 out, 20 in) on a day when the word torrential is unbelievably inadequate when describing the rain we played in ALL round. Earned me a nice couple of prizes plus about £75 in winnings including the week long "birdie" pot.

Will I go again.......what do you think?

Lastly, next week I have exams to get some qualifications for my ....ahem...role at work so busy revising means few posts until they're out of the way.

Later, DummyJack

Another break

Yes folks, its time for another break for the grocer. I'm for a week in rainy Devon to play golf with 30 odd other blokes as The Jolly Boys Outing from my pub is engaged. A week of drinking, letching, golfing, snooker and watching football on Wednesday in the vain hope that Sven Gormless Fuckwit can motivate the players into putting on some sort of half decent performance and pay the Poles back for 1973. I cried that fucking night and my memory is scarred by Jan Tomaczeski, the polish goalkeeper who performed the heroics that fateful evening. As I write this I learn that we have qualified to play in the World Cup Finals next year despite today's abject display against Austria. If Peter Crouch is the future for England then God help us. He is the worst player I've seen in an England shirt ever. And I include Emile Donkey Heskey in that as well. Crouch is like a spider on rollerskates, not a footballer.

Anyway, the knick knacks won today as well to keep their hopes barely alive of qualifying. I'm half Irish myself (thanks to Mommie Dearest) so I do have vested interest in the Paddies getting there as well. I've always thought that's why my favourite tipple is Guinness, and by God I'll be sinking some this week so it's handy really. Starting tomorrow (Sunday) with a skinful because I DON'T have to get up on Monday.

I think the order for each day for me is Shower, dress, Full English Breakfast, Golf, Whisky during golf, lunch with beer, more golf, post golf drink, shower, change, pre-dinner Guinness, dinner with Red wine, Guinness, snooker (maybe, if we can be arsed), Guinness, discussions on sex, discussions on football, Guinness, discussions on politics, Guinness and discussions on the meaning of life, sleep. Repeat for 5 days until common sense prevails.

Later, GuinnessJack

Friday's song.....

Love and Marriage - who knows who sung this, but the version in my head is from formerly funny US sitcom Married...with Children. And it will not fuck off no matter what else I play.

Later, GrocerJack

Little Britain

Fantastic. Read this wonderful article from the BBC about the folklore of Portland in Dorset.

If you can't be bothered to follow the link then the essence of the story is that the people of Portland will not see the word "rabbit" featured in the posters for the (undoubtedly brilliant) new film featuring Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Apparently this word "rabbit" is taboo in Portland , something to do with superstitious quarrymen.

I actually listened to this Mayor bloke being interviewed on 5-Live this morning and honestly do not how Nicky Campbell and Sheila Fogarty got through the interview with him without dropping with laughter. Mainly because tears were falling down my face as I desperately checked to make sure I hadn't done a Rip Van Winkle and slept through until April 1st.

He said "rabbit" twice and when challenged he said "it was incredibly difficult for him to do so, but in the interests of the programme he had decided to use it twice, but thehe would not be using iut again during the interview. Now, call me an old cynic but its seemed that the presenters, and specifically Fogarty then decided to chuck the word "rabbit" in at every opportunity in order to try and bait this loonie (meant affectionately). Apparently the people of Portland often get ribbed by the people of Weymouth and surrounding areas and taunted by people deliberately shouting the word out in public places.

How fantastically and eccentrically British is this? Surely this is a queue for Dom Joly and some of his animal crew to descend on Portland and start loudly searching for a lost "rabbit" ?

Blimey, you have to wonder what the sales of Chas and Dave's "Rabbit Rabbit" song were in Portland?

Later , BunnyJack

Todays Song is.....

Jane by Jefferson Starship. Actually its a good song and the truth is played it on my non-ipod MP3 player, the marvellous and cheap Zen Creative Jukebox NX about a week ago, although why its taken until today to become the song in my head is still a mystery.

I don't have an issue when the song of the day in my head is a good one. It seems to brighten things a bit, its only when its something of pure dross that grates on me. Someone has suggested its something that may happen through subliminal suggestion, that some unconciously noted radio /tv clip, phrase or event is what causes this. If so then I find that fascinating but still not enough to rule out some sort of twisted non-corporeal intervention or manipulation.

Or maybe its a sign of some form of mental llness. First songs, then images (don't get me on the dreams or the images I see when falling asleep!) and before you know it........voices.

Perhaps the lunatic really is in my hall.

By the way, this group only really did two good songs, this one and the imperious White Rabbit back when they hadn't mastered ...ahem ...space travel and were still an earthbound Jefferson Airplane.

Later, GrocerJack

Today I'll be mostly listening to........

Me, Myself,I - Joan Armatrading - not bad, but where the fuck did this come from? The only music I heard this morning was the jingle music on 5 Live. The only Armatrading song I have is Love and Affection. I'm so confused.....

Later, VoicesJack

The Song in my head today is.....

Every day I have a song in my head. The source of this annoyance is not known because I'm a 5-Live man, which as you all know is a talkie station. A bit like a live version of The Guardian newspaper (even better in its top Berliner style format!). However, I digress, every day a song ends up in my head no matter if I've listened to any music. It's a strange phenomenon, but usually in more youthful times past there was a cause, usually that of the last song on the CD player/cassette or radio in the car. But now, well it just seems bizarre, and without any cause or link that I can make out.

I wonder if someone is trying to communicate with me in a non-corporeal way.

Music from the dead.

It's as good a theory as anything else. And much preferable to night time apparitions of decomposed bodies, or images of gruesome injuries indicating how they died. And ten times better than the bastard who stands menacingly in the corner of my bedroom from time to time emanating malevolence toward me at every level, and paralysing me in a semi-concious bowel loosening trance like state. Broken only by my forced scream to break the stupor of my condition.

Anyway since Friday the songs have been........

Friday : I Predict a Riot - Kaiser Chiefs (good)
Saturday : Goldfinger - Shirley Bassey (for fucks sake)
Sunday : Roll Away The Stone - Mott the Hoople ( a classic, but not when you're trying to sink a 10 foot putt!)

Today : Karma Chameleon - Culture Club (detestable song from a detestable bitter old queen)

Later, GrocerJack

PS Liverpool 1 - Chelsea 4 - one in the eye for those scouse dickheads. Well done the Chels!