The Definition of Irony......

.........is that today I learned that The Officer is coming to work for me. Oh joy! But the best and most bizarre bit is this....

The mobile rings with the tender tones of "Enter Sandman"...........

Sandman : Hello Jack, hows the Chelsea Superfan these days?

Jack thinks : Fuck off you ignorant bastard
Jack says : Hi Sandman, very good thanks. Bit bored now the seasons over.....

Sandman : Yeah...well anyway can you talk? (he's done the "friendly boss " chit chat bit by now)

Jack thinks : Fuck, I was just going to knock a quick one out (Jack is home alone this week as GMD, Teenager and Baby are off to Tenerife)
Jack says : Of course Sandman, always got time to talk to you (yep, vomit now)

Sandman : Has Stumbler talked about your additional role yet?

Jack thinks : he tried to but couldn't get the fucking words out in understandable English
Jack says : Sort of....it wasn't very clearly said and he did say you'd call and explain....

Sandman : Well, we think your the ideal person to run a Process Creation and Improvement program.......your team seems the natural fit. Anyway The Officer is a process expert, you know Six Sigma, IDEF Zero, ETOM, ITIL etc......so we'll slide him into your area....but......

Jack thinks : You're having a laugh aren't you.......why did I answer the phone....surely a wank would have been more enjoyable
Jack says : Oh right, OK....yeah I'm sure his input will be invaluable.......

Sandman : Good, I knew you'd be OK - (at this point he might as well be sliding his cock out my arse having ejected this load of steaming jism inside me) - But there is one thing....I need you to keep a close tab on The Officer and make sure he delivers what you need. Watch him closely.

Jack thinks : What does you fucking mean by that?
Jack says : Sure Sandman, any particular reason to worry?

Sandman : Well, you know what the practical side of stuff is and what it takes to deliver - (high praise indeed) - but well....have you met The Officer?

Jack thinks : Yes, he won't fucking leave me alone the boring cunt. What is he some sort of nonce? Is he a frustrated gay man looking to convert someone straight or something?
Jack says : Yeah, decent bloke if a little difficult to understand....

Sandman : Exactly. He is a propeller headed anorak cunt of the first order living in some sort of process driven cloud cuckoo land and frankly I can't fathom out a fucking word he means half the time - so I need someone with a ....big....personality to keep him in check and get some fucking value from him. £1200 per day he costs us.....


Jack thinks : Blimey, I thought he was your .....bitch. £1200 per day - Jesus, who's the mug now? So, I get the twat fobbed off onto me, thanks you fucking shitneck, thanks for fuck all again. Want to fuck me anywhere else?
Jack says : No problem, I know what you mean, leave it to me. Thanks for the opportunity

Sandman : Yeah...I knew you'd be the right person to handle this. Must dash.

Phone goes dead.........the deed is done......the package delivered....the vinegar stroke has been reached. Sandman is sated.

And that my friends is indicative of my working life. But this does potentially enrich the writing inspiration because this bloke is unbe-fucking-lievable and should, in conjunction with Stumbler keep lining them up for to knock over. Inside I'm laughing......no really.........honestly....I'm hysterical.

A bit like Inspector Dreyfuss whenever Clouseau was around.....

Later, GrocerJack