...and there's more....
Oh yeah, and on Blankety fucking arse-wipe Blank....as crap as it was the panellists did try and get into the spirit of things...except one. That corruptor of modern music, that doyen of c-list celebrity, that destroyer of dreams and all round cunt, Simon Cowell. He sat there thinking it was smart to be rude, to play the part of the panto villain, the hate figure. No doubt whilst creaming off a few quid as a nice fat appearnance fee. Well Cowell, it worked..I fucking hate you. You're a wanker of the highest order. Keep playing the part son, because one day someone is gonna fucking cop you an unfortunate one. And I for one will act as character witness at their defence trial on behalf of all decent caring people.
On a lighter note...Baby wants the Greenday album, but it is full of explicit lyrics. She's 9 and to be honest I'm well chuffed because her taste is showing signs of being quite......discerning. Do I buy her an album strewn with swear words? I've downloaded the superb American Idiot for her, but even that version has a bleep in it. Any views? Do I encourage her musical growth into this area and allow the swear words album to be part of her collection? Or do I risk a future of shite bollocks RnB , rap and fucking boy/girl band factory produced crap?
Later GrocerJack
Friday, November 19, 2004
What a load of bollocks.....
I don't mean to sound like a killjoy...but after one hour of watching the BBC's Children in Need I want to slice the top of my skull off, open the lid and scoop my brains into an acid filled food processor using a rusty ice cream scoop and switch it on whilst open to fully scatter them around the room. I have no qualms about the cause which is worthy enough, but to inflict it via a TV programme of such shocking amateurism and banality is beyond the Pudsey pale. So far tonight, I have watched Westlife perform some old song whilst dressed in DJ's, perhaps pre-emepting a move into the "music for old people" arena, where Old People's homes can be filled with the delights of these five knobbers singing their safe bollocks shite all night. Then Natasha Bedingfield.....what a looker, but what a piss poor performance from Stirling Castle...whats up love (duck for those in the Mansfield area) ..a bit too cold for you. At least put some fucking effort in. Christ even Baby said "whats up with her voice, can't she sing louder?". Rolf Harris did his Jake the Peg routine which bought back memories of an innocent period in Jacks life, when Rolf had his own Saturday night peak time entertainment show, featuring his resident dance troupe "The Young Generation". I liked that bit and I even convinced Baby that he really did have three legs.......or maybe she was stringing me along....just to humour her Dad. Can a 9 year old have a concept of humouring someone?
Then I finally gave up when they staged a faux version of that hoary old chestnut "Blankety Blank". It may be my perception but throughout the whole night I got the distinct impression that Terry Wogan
1.) hates Gabby Roslin - his co-presenter
2.) is sick of doing this
3.) has become an old curmudgeon
4.) is a parody of himself
5.) is not, and never was funny
Blankety Blank was unfunny, amateurish rubbish. That wa s 10 years ago, but this one tonight was 10 times worse! it was an utterly complete, fucked up collage of total knob cheese bollocks. Even the sublime talents of Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens couldn't rescue this knocked together insult to my intelligence and sense of humour..
So , before my weekly appointment with several pints of overpriced Guinness in underfilled glasses I felt the need to eject some much built up internal vitriol. A message to the BBC - If you want to get people to phone in and pledge then for fucks sake stop broadcasting this complacent, formulaic, ham-fisted, unfunny, patronising bollocks. Put some fucking effort in and you'll get loads of doantions, but if you think people are going to pledge money to watch any old dog turd sketches and "artistes" you are going to be very wrong, very soon.
Later GrocerJack
I don't mean to sound like a killjoy...but after one hour of watching the BBC's Children in Need I want to slice the top of my skull off, open the lid and scoop my brains into an acid filled food processor using a rusty ice cream scoop and switch it on whilst open to fully scatter them around the room. I have no qualms about the cause which is worthy enough, but to inflict it via a TV programme of such shocking amateurism and banality is beyond the Pudsey pale. So far tonight, I have watched Westlife perform some old song whilst dressed in DJ's, perhaps pre-emepting a move into the "music for old people" arena, where Old People's homes can be filled with the delights of these five knobbers singing their safe bollocks shite all night. Then Natasha Bedingfield.....what a looker, but what a piss poor performance from Stirling Castle...whats up love (duck for those in the Mansfield area) ..a bit too cold for you. At least put some fucking effort in. Christ even Baby said "whats up with her voice, can't she sing louder?". Rolf Harris did his Jake the Peg routine which bought back memories of an innocent period in Jacks life, when Rolf had his own Saturday night peak time entertainment show, featuring his resident dance troupe "The Young Generation". I liked that bit and I even convinced Baby that he really did have three legs.......or maybe she was stringing me along....just to humour her Dad. Can a 9 year old have a concept of humouring someone?
Then I finally gave up when they staged a faux version of that hoary old chestnut "Blankety Blank". It may be my perception but throughout the whole night I got the distinct impression that Terry Wogan
1.) hates Gabby Roslin - his co-presenter
2.) is sick of doing this
3.) has become an old curmudgeon
4.) is a parody of himself
5.) is not, and never was funny
Blankety Blank was unfunny, amateurish rubbish. That wa s 10 years ago, but this one tonight was 10 times worse! it was an utterly complete, fucked up collage of total knob cheese bollocks. Even the sublime talents of Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens couldn't rescue this knocked together insult to my intelligence and sense of humour..
So , before my weekly appointment with several pints of overpriced Guinness in underfilled glasses I felt the need to eject some much built up internal vitriol. A message to the BBC - If you want to get people to phone in and pledge then for fucks sake stop broadcasting this complacent, formulaic, ham-fisted, unfunny, patronising bollocks. Put some fucking effort in and you'll get loads of doantions, but if you think people are going to pledge money to watch any old dog turd sketches and "artistes" you are going to be very wrong, very soon.
Later GrocerJack
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Newsflash......
According to Reuters, the body of an unnamed sad old man with long white hair, and a white beard has been found on the beach at the resort of Torremelinos. He was clutching a carefully folded red suit with white trim. Witnesses have said he had been walking down the beach earlier in the evening.eating a mince pie and swigging from a bottle of Sherry. He was sobbing as he did so. Police do not consider the death to be suspicious.
Later, GrocerJack
According to Reuters, the body of an unnamed sad old man with long white hair, and a white beard has been found on the beach at the resort of Torremelinos. He was clutching a carefully folded red suit with white trim. Witnesses have said he had been walking down the beach earlier in the evening.eating a mince pie and swigging from a bottle of Sherry. He was sobbing as he did so. Police do not consider the death to be suspicious.
Later, GrocerJack
Christmas......in the 21st Century....
Dear Jack the Grocer,
Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!
Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .
During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.
The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.
Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!
No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.
We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.
Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)
*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.
** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!
*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.
**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.
***** Later, GrocerJack
Dear Jack the Grocer,
Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!
Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .
During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.
The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.
Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!
No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.
We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.
Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)
*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.
** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!
*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.
**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.
***** Later, GrocerJack
Friday, November 12, 2004
Letter to the real Santa................
Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.
1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)
2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.
3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.
4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.
I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........
10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99
1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99
1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99
1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99
1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99
1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99
1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99
Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.
Later , Grocerjack
Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.
1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)
2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.
3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.
4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.
I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........
10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99
1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99
1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99
1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99
1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99
1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99
1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99
Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.
Later , Grocerjack
Is Christmas near then?
A pub in Winchester has it's Christmas lights up. I saw it last night on my way home. Then as I drove past the Village Pottery I noticed they had theirs on as well. So it must already be December then? I must dash off and get some new bells for my sleigh, and collect my favourite red suit from Sketchley's. .Ho Ho fucking ho.
In a future post the things that make my Christmas Hell and my Christmas Heaven.
Later GrocerSanta
A pub in Winchester has it's Christmas lights up. I saw it last night on my way home. Then as I drove past the Village Pottery I noticed they had theirs on as well. So it must already be December then? I must dash off and get some new bells for my sleigh, and collect my favourite red suit from Sketchley's. .Ho Ho fucking ho.
In a future post the things that make my Christmas Hell and my Christmas Heaven.
Later GrocerSanta
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Enough......
With this happiness! With this contentment!
Argos fucked up my Christmas shopping order, so therefore my faith in the unswerving inability of technology to provide for my needs in this wireless, on-line, digital, mobile, infomation rich, multi-media, video on demand, business on demand, eco-friendly, energy efficient, recyclable, organic, just in time, secured server and broadband enabled world is restored.
Now, where's that fucking Betterware catalogue.........
Later GrocerJack
With this happiness! With this contentment!
Argos fucked up my Christmas shopping order, so therefore my faith in the unswerving inability of technology to provide for my needs in this wireless, on-line, digital, mobile, infomation rich, multi-media, video on demand, business on demand, eco-friendly, energy efficient, recyclable, organic, just in time, secured server and broadband enabled world is restored.
Now, where's that fucking Betterware catalogue.........
Later GrocerJack
The bits of songs that make great music...........
Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - stunning guitar riff immortalised in the Top of the Pops theme - even better after a joint.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd (Dave Gilmour) - the "live" version on Delicate Sound of Thunder is sensational with guitar you think couldn't get any higher before dogs go mad
Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix (errr....Jimi Hendrix) - Ironic patriotism? Nuff said
Bad - U2 - see the Live Aid version - tell me Bono can't hold an audience
Whisky in the Jar - Thin Lizzy (Gary Moore) - great intro, great song
Running Down the Dream - Tom Petty (Tom Petty) - the best guitar for driving to, fantastic way to finish a song
Moonage Daydream - David Bowie (Mick Ronson) - sorely missed Mick made this song with his understated guitar playing
Teenage Wasteland - The Who - one of the best intro's ever - Daltreys voice has rarely been better
Hotel California - The Eagles (Joe Walsh) - why people knock this is beyond me, timeless
Bron-y-Aur - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - so you thought they were "heavy" - stunningly beautiful guitar work
Will You - Hazel O' Connor - the best, absolute BEST Sax solo anywhere, EVER. The End.
Waiting for a Friend - Rolling Stones - almost as good as above
Money - Pink Floyd - The first real sax I ever heard - marvellous, and even better live
Candidate - David Bowie - smoky sax intro, sleaxe personified in a song ..."I'll make you a deal like any other candidate, we'll pretend your walking home coz your futures at stake"
Almaz - Randy Crawford - the human female voice when it hits perfection
Paradise City - Guns n Roses - what an intro, bang that head damn you
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses - currently being used as the backing song in the ad for Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas - that should secure a re-release
Can't take my eyes off of you - Andy Williams - are you really trying to say you've never sung this when drunk? Not trendy, but fuck me this bloke can sing.
The Winner Takes it All - Sung beuaitfully by a woman with a fantastic voice and how sad is this song? Never felt like this? Liar! And for the geezers...didn't you just want to be the one to cash in on the blonde ones sorrow and show her what a real bloke was like?
Goodbye to Love - The Carpenters - Karen Carpenter's voice is so hauntingly beautiful, soppy but great.
Politik - Coldplay - this is proof that fucking good music can still be written today. Play loudly, in a car and sing, sing , sing.
Riders on the Storm - The Doors - some of the best piano/keyboard ever and Jim Morrisons voice at its best. Again, fantastic after a joint.
Liquidator - Harry J and the Allstars - not one particular piece of this satnds out but guaranteed to get the party moving
How Soon is Now - The Smiths - Johnny Marr's atmospheric guitar with Morriseys depressing tones make this a misery's masterpiece.
Later GrocerJack
Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - stunning guitar riff immortalised in the Top of the Pops theme - even better after a joint.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd (Dave Gilmour) - the "live" version on Delicate Sound of Thunder is sensational with guitar you think couldn't get any higher before dogs go mad
Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix (errr....Jimi Hendrix) - Ironic patriotism? Nuff said
Bad - U2 - see the Live Aid version - tell me Bono can't hold an audience
Whisky in the Jar - Thin Lizzy (Gary Moore) - great intro, great song
Running Down the Dream - Tom Petty (Tom Petty) - the best guitar for driving to, fantastic way to finish a song
Moonage Daydream - David Bowie (Mick Ronson) - sorely missed Mick made this song with his understated guitar playing
Teenage Wasteland - The Who - one of the best intro's ever - Daltreys voice has rarely been better
Hotel California - The Eagles (Joe Walsh) - why people knock this is beyond me, timeless
Bron-y-Aur - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - so you thought they were "heavy" - stunningly beautiful guitar work
Will You - Hazel O' Connor - the best, absolute BEST Sax solo anywhere, EVER. The End.
Waiting for a Friend - Rolling Stones - almost as good as above
Money - Pink Floyd - The first real sax I ever heard - marvellous, and even better live
Candidate - David Bowie - smoky sax intro, sleaxe personified in a song ..."I'll make you a deal like any other candidate, we'll pretend your walking home coz your futures at stake"
Almaz - Randy Crawford - the human female voice when it hits perfection
Paradise City - Guns n Roses - what an intro, bang that head damn you
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses - currently being used as the backing song in the ad for Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas - that should secure a re-release
Can't take my eyes off of you - Andy Williams - are you really trying to say you've never sung this when drunk? Not trendy, but fuck me this bloke can sing.
The Winner Takes it All - Sung beuaitfully by a woman with a fantastic voice and how sad is this song? Never felt like this? Liar! And for the geezers...didn't you just want to be the one to cash in on the blonde ones sorrow and show her what a real bloke was like?
Goodbye to Love - The Carpenters - Karen Carpenter's voice is so hauntingly beautiful, soppy but great.
Politik - Coldplay - this is proof that fucking good music can still be written today. Play loudly, in a car and sing, sing , sing.
Riders on the Storm - The Doors - some of the best piano/keyboard ever and Jim Morrisons voice at its best. Again, fantastic after a joint.
Liquidator - Harry J and the Allstars - not one particular piece of this satnds out but guaranteed to get the party moving
How Soon is Now - The Smiths - Johnny Marr's atmospheric guitar with Morriseys depressing tones make this a misery's masterpiece.
Later GrocerJack
Jack has been busy…….
Remember when I used to be able to post every day? Remember when I was prolifically writing stuff because my role had changed within The Company and my days were filled with so little to do that boredom and frustration allowed me to vent my feelings with real passion? Remember when my creative thread was fed by the feeling of being cast aside by The Sandman into the wilds of a meaningless and unproductive raison d’etre?
Well, now my role over that 7 month halcyon period has become very different. And it’s heading in the direction of
The last few weeks have been even harder than normal really because this week saw the launch of The Company’s highly expensive new Pipes, Tubes and Strings technology for which the Nanny Government striped us of £6 billion for the privilege to use. Once we had paid that money of course our shares, which constitute my only savings policy (pension aside) went into freefall because The City (I need a nickname for those freeloading scumbags) decided we had “overpaid” for the licence. Hmmm….damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Pay the price for the licence, dictated by the Governments fantastically business (un)friendly auction, or ignore it and have The Scatmunchers (nickname for The City) sit there and destroy the company, and with it my pension, savings and income for not having any future technology strategy. I am no huge Corporate fellatio provider, but The Company really could not win on this score and despite my, albeit champagne, socialist leanings, when someone threatens my lifestyle I suddenly become the most selfish bastard in the world. I
I digress. I guess my point here is that as I become gradually busier the harder it is to post. Also, the less miserable at work I am (and I am rather enjoying the majority of the activity increase) the less inspired I am to write and take the piss. It’s a bit like songwriters never writing good songs when they’re happy. You need angst, pain, frustration, anger in order to sometimes write the better stuff.
I guess the moral here is that…happiness makes you dull.
Later GrocerJack
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
This Weeks Work of Art - Picasso's Enfants a cheval au Roulettes. I don't know why I like Picasso, it seems so...obvious, but when I first got this bug for Art I found this stuff more challenging and I suppose it led me into my fascination for more the avant-garde works. One thing is never in doubt, Picasso's works always make the viewer question exactly what was in the artists mind when he painted it , Later GrocerJack
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Weekend observations……
Guinness is good for you: Well it must be because I went out on Friday, had a skinful, had more when I got in, went to bed at 02:00 (yup, quite big and quite clever) got up at 7:45 Saturday morning, played golf, scored a very creditable 34 points and had no real hangover worth worrying about.
Party Runs: So, my weekend job is to run my kids between parties is it? How much fun it was to find out on Saturday that Baby had two parties to attend, one from 18:00 until 19:30 and the other from 19:30 until 21:30. Both locations 15 miles apart. Oh what a fun Saturday night that was. Just to complete the misery, it pissed with rain. I fucking hate the clocks going back, the dark long nights, the poxy rain-sodden winter, the increased traffic.
I am a summer person. I need the sun on my back.
It appears this guy (Brian Drysdale, 48, a chef at Wokefield Park Golf Club) was determined to die – if it hadn’t been at Ufton Nervet then it would have been somewhere else. I just wish people who want to commit suicide would take a bottle of pills, drink a bottle of whisky, lock themselves away and die quietly without killing or injuring others as well. We had a “jumper” near a bridge on a motorway by our village a few weeks ago – he was hit by a lorry, but the resulting accident caused quite a few cars to come off the road or collide with others. No-one else was physically hurt, luckily enough, although God knows what scars the lorry driver will carry in his mind for the rest of his life. The sickening thing was the fucking shrine of flowers that his undoubtedly upset friends and relatives made on the bridge. One wonders what world these people exist in, but would they have done the same if jumper man had killed others in his act of desperation and utter selfishness?
Later GrocerJack
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Scary stuff......
Now I used to be a big conspiracy theorist but over the years my cynicism had become dulled thus removing one of the last allegedly slightly rebellious stances I had. Yes, we did land on the Moon and not in a Hollywood Studio, yes Lee Harvey Oswald did shoot JFK from the book repository despite Oliver Stone's claims in his excellent film. Princess Diana did die in a car accident at the hands of a drunken Frenchman and not because of some sort of Secret Service plot. All of the counter- theories for these incidents seemed plausible to me, after all we believe what our eyes tell us and we form beliefs based on the evidence presented to us, which for the most part is via the press or Broadcast media. I had at one stage thought that the Internet would be a strengthening cause for those of us who questioned what we were being told, but no.....even the impetus of that seems to have died in a sea of abject Apathy. At least I thought this had died in my mind until I saw the superb BBC's Power of Nightmares programme last night. In fact last night was the last of three episodes and was a damning indictment if just how apathetic, gullible and malleable we as a society in the West have become.
The basic premise was that politicians over the years have met with more and more disinterest and disrespect for their powers of government. Effectively they have failed to deliver what they have promised which has led to the people becoming disillusioned. Ultimately the importance of politics within our lives became marginalised, and with this the power the politicians held became less and less. Of course, politicians only enter this line of work because they want power, no matter how altruistic they make it sound about wanting to improve society/lessen poverty/ drive down crime etc etc. Ultimately to try and execute these altruistic and honourable principles you need the power to implement them, which means you must be greedy in some way to gain power and then implemt your priciples, even against the will of large numbers of people, because as a politician YOU know best. Especially if you're a Labour politician. Labour politicians know that it is wrong for consenting adults to watch porn (fuck each others brains out, for sure, but don't watch others doing it), or gamble in casino's (because apparently we're all a bunch of latent fuckwit gambling addicts - oh and lets not forget if Labour had been in power there would have been no National Lottery - all the good causes would have been funded by higher taxes imposed on unwitting hard working overtaxed people like me) , or drink (because at 22:55 I am old enough and responsible enough to drink in a pub, but at 23:01 apparently I am no longer capable of drinking responsibly). I could go on but I think you all known how much it pains me to be essentially socialist and yet have to put up with the fucking Bleeding Heart Nanny Government we have now, full of do-gooders like Clare MiseryGuts Short, Frank Twat Dobson , Austin "people can't be trusted" Mitchell et al. All of them chips off the old "we know whats best for you, better than you do" block.
Anyway, I digress. The point is that the programme put the view across that to really gain power, the various governments had to do something. And so, the Neo-conservative, fundamental Christian power base in the US gained favour. They had one problem though, since the disintegration of the USSR, there was no real enemy anymore. They could no longer assert their power by giving good God Fearing US citizens something else to fear in God's rather prolonged absence from our view. Enter Stage Left - Al-Qaida. There was so much detail in last nights programme it would take a blog of monumental proportions to explain the intricacies. The essence was that Al-Qaida themselves were only "formed" because of the failure of Osama Bin Laden and his mentor (whose name I forget) to instigate hard line Fundamental Islamic revolutions in the Middle East and Europe. OBL and his mate decided that Muslim minds had been poisoned and brainwashed by Western culture and lifestyle, and as such declared the new enemy to be those very influences, primarily America and her allies, but Christians and Jews in general as well. However , all OBL has ever been capable of doing was assisting with funding and all the evidence seems to be that the US built Al-Qaida up to be a cellular, hidden, effective, clever and well organised network of terrrorists hell bent on destroying the West.
They had their new enemy!
Al-Quaida on the other hand, found their cause getting world wide publicity thus gaining them new followers to the idea of fundamental Islam, although the programme proved that their alleged sophistication was non-existent, and that the infamous cave bombing exercises in Afghanistan for example, were based on an article written in The Times by a knobber journo claiming these hidden cave hideaways were complete with sophisticated computer systems, air conditioning, secret exits and entrances, planning rooms, accomodation etc. Yep, it turns out they were in fact just...caves! And another lie smashed last night - the myth of the devastation caused by a "dirty bomb". Yeah, the conventional bomb lined with radioactive material that we hear about almost evry week. Apparently people would die from the bomb explosion, but the radioactive material would be so widely dispersed by the explosion that barely anyone with a decent Geiger counter would notice the difference between the fallout of the bomb and a particularly sunny day in Brighton! No bomb site would be closed for very long because of radiation, and in fact anyone nearby would more than likely have any radioactive debris removed by simply having a shower.
And so for the past four years we have a had the most powerful nation on Earth run by a neo-conservative, fundamental christian government, playing a deadly game against an artificially created enemy of convenience whose creation was formed from similar circumstances as that of the US Government. Christians disillusioned at the moral collapse of Western society and the appeasement of other religions and cultures, Muslims disgusted by the apathy and apparent corruption of their own societies and people because they believed they could reconcile their beliefs with Western lifestyles.
The overriding point of the programme seemd to be that if politicians create a climate of fear amongst the populace then they have restored their power over us. They create a climate of fear by peddling an incessant stream of stories of doom, terror, economic hard times, environmental crises, we then fall in line in order to be safe and sound. The line is now "vote for us, do as we say, and we will protect you from the evil ones". No matter that the alleged evil may be a tiny risk to all of us, or even non-existent. Of course, we're not that daft or gullible are we? Unless of course you see the result of the US Elections yesterday, in which a sizeable majority (the biggest for some time) voted Dubya back in. His campaign was based on what? Yep, how he was the only one capable of protecting the US from the evil of terrorism. And is there any doubt Tony Bliar (sic) will get in next year? No credible alternative and his sizeable majority will not be overturned, especially when Middle England picks up the message of "protection from evil".
My faith in well written and thought out conspiracies has been truly restored by this marvellous programme.
Later, unless of course someone's out to get me, GrocerJack the Great Protector
Now I used to be a big conspiracy theorist but over the years my cynicism had become dulled thus removing one of the last allegedly slightly rebellious stances I had. Yes, we did land on the Moon and not in a Hollywood Studio, yes Lee Harvey Oswald did shoot JFK from the book repository despite Oliver Stone's claims in his excellent film. Princess Diana did die in a car accident at the hands of a drunken Frenchman and not because of some sort of Secret Service plot. All of the counter- theories for these incidents seemed plausible to me, after all we believe what our eyes tell us and we form beliefs based on the evidence presented to us, which for the most part is via the press or Broadcast media. I had at one stage thought that the Internet would be a strengthening cause for those of us who questioned what we were being told, but no.....even the impetus of that seems to have died in a sea of abject Apathy. At least I thought this had died in my mind until I saw the superb BBC's Power of Nightmares programme last night. In fact last night was the last of three episodes and was a damning indictment if just how apathetic, gullible and malleable we as a society in the West have become.
The basic premise was that politicians over the years have met with more and more disinterest and disrespect for their powers of government. Effectively they have failed to deliver what they have promised which has led to the people becoming disillusioned. Ultimately the importance of politics within our lives became marginalised, and with this the power the politicians held became less and less. Of course, politicians only enter this line of work because they want power, no matter how altruistic they make it sound about wanting to improve society/lessen poverty/ drive down crime etc etc. Ultimately to try and execute these altruistic and honourable principles you need the power to implement them, which means you must be greedy in some way to gain power and then implemt your priciples, even against the will of large numbers of people, because as a politician YOU know best. Especially if you're a Labour politician. Labour politicians know that it is wrong for consenting adults to watch porn (fuck each others brains out, for sure, but don't watch others doing it), or gamble in casino's (because apparently we're all a bunch of latent fuckwit gambling addicts - oh and lets not forget if Labour had been in power there would have been no National Lottery - all the good causes would have been funded by higher taxes imposed on unwitting hard working overtaxed people like me) , or drink (because at 22:55 I am old enough and responsible enough to drink in a pub, but at 23:01 apparently I am no longer capable of drinking responsibly). I could go on but I think you all known how much it pains me to be essentially socialist and yet have to put up with the fucking Bleeding Heart Nanny Government we have now, full of do-gooders like Clare MiseryGuts Short, Frank Twat Dobson , Austin "people can't be trusted" Mitchell et al. All of them chips off the old "we know whats best for you, better than you do" block.
Anyway, I digress. The point is that the programme put the view across that to really gain power, the various governments had to do something. And so, the Neo-conservative, fundamental Christian power base in the US gained favour. They had one problem though, since the disintegration of the USSR, there was no real enemy anymore. They could no longer assert their power by giving good God Fearing US citizens something else to fear in God's rather prolonged absence from our view. Enter Stage Left - Al-Qaida. There was so much detail in last nights programme it would take a blog of monumental proportions to explain the intricacies. The essence was that Al-Qaida themselves were only "formed" because of the failure of Osama Bin Laden and his mentor (whose name I forget) to instigate hard line Fundamental Islamic revolutions in the Middle East and Europe. OBL and his mate decided that Muslim minds had been poisoned and brainwashed by Western culture and lifestyle, and as such declared the new enemy to be those very influences, primarily America and her allies, but Christians and Jews in general as well. However , all OBL has ever been capable of doing was assisting with funding and all the evidence seems to be that the US built Al-Qaida up to be a cellular, hidden, effective, clever and well organised network of terrrorists hell bent on destroying the West.
They had their new enemy!
Al-Quaida on the other hand, found their cause getting world wide publicity thus gaining them new followers to the idea of fundamental Islam, although the programme proved that their alleged sophistication was non-existent, and that the infamous cave bombing exercises in Afghanistan for example, were based on an article written in The Times by a knobber journo claiming these hidden cave hideaways were complete with sophisticated computer systems, air conditioning, secret exits and entrances, planning rooms, accomodation etc. Yep, it turns out they were in fact just...caves! And another lie smashed last night - the myth of the devastation caused by a "dirty bomb". Yeah, the conventional bomb lined with radioactive material that we hear about almost evry week. Apparently people would die from the bomb explosion, but the radioactive material would be so widely dispersed by the explosion that barely anyone with a decent Geiger counter would notice the difference between the fallout of the bomb and a particularly sunny day in Brighton! No bomb site would be closed for very long because of radiation, and in fact anyone nearby would more than likely have any radioactive debris removed by simply having a shower.
And so for the past four years we have a had the most powerful nation on Earth run by a neo-conservative, fundamental christian government, playing a deadly game against an artificially created enemy of convenience whose creation was formed from similar circumstances as that of the US Government. Christians disillusioned at the moral collapse of Western society and the appeasement of other religions and cultures, Muslims disgusted by the apathy and apparent corruption of their own societies and people because they believed they could reconcile their beliefs with Western lifestyles.
The overriding point of the programme seemd to be that if politicians create a climate of fear amongst the populace then they have restored their power over us. They create a climate of fear by peddling an incessant stream of stories of doom, terror, economic hard times, environmental crises, we then fall in line in order to be safe and sound. The line is now "vote for us, do as we say, and we will protect you from the evil ones". No matter that the alleged evil may be a tiny risk to all of us, or even non-existent. Of course, we're not that daft or gullible are we? Unless of course you see the result of the US Elections yesterday, in which a sizeable majority (the biggest for some time) voted Dubya back in. His campaign was based on what? Yep, how he was the only one capable of protecting the US from the evil of terrorism. And is there any doubt Tony Bliar (sic) will get in next year? No credible alternative and his sizeable majority will not be overturned, especially when Middle England picks up the message of "protection from evil".
My faith in well written and thought out conspiracies has been truly restored by this marvellous programme.
Later, unless of course someone's out to get me, GrocerJack the Great Protector
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do hard physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
Sometimes I work in a smelly environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
Sometimes I have to work in a very claustrophobic, drier and tighter place
I often have to work in a place where teeth exist
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Sometimes I have to work through the whole night
I often have to work at very short notice
Sometimes I have to work after having had a drink
I am constantly fiddled with by my owner
I spend a lot of time coiled up in a hot, tight pair of briefs
I am constantly having the piss taken out of me
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You are often not very clean
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You seem very eager to work for other people
You lied about your size on the application form
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
My thanks to CG for this
Later GrocerJack
Monday, November 01, 2004
If only.....
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...er...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand, chocolate in the other -- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Later, GrocerJack
Thursday, October 28, 2004
And these........
Addendum to previous post......
7.) Shaving - nope, not one bit, not one sliver of metal has touched my face - I think it makes me look distinguished. Someone else said "grizzled".
8.) Drinking - oddly enough I haven't had a drink this week, but the freedom to do so without being "joined" as it were is always nice. Why can't women understand that sometimes you just want to have a quiet drink and watch something mindless. No chat, no cuddling, just you, a glass of wine and a TV.
9.) Showering - filthy pig I hear you cry, but because I have been decorating it seemed a tad pointless to jump in the shower at every opportunity. I've only been out once on Sunday to get some provisions and to play golf yesterday. I had a shower on Sunday, vainly trying to ease the hangover. I had a shower before golf. Other than that I knew I wasn't going to meet anyone so why bother. Most of the week I have smelt like a heady combination of sweat, paint, Nitromors, Mr Muscle, Sugar Soap, dust and coffee.. I call it helping to save the environment.. Tonight I will finish the job and then soak myself in a hot bath, with my radio, and some wine. Fuck it, I might even shave.
10.) Sleeping anywhere in the bed I want with as many pillows as I like. Nuff said.
11.) Reading - every night I have been trying to read a few pages of a book for enjoyment as opposed to study. GMD normally reacts to me doing this with the female stock phrase of ".....well if you've got time to that you've got time to cuddle me/go shopping/do the garden/pick the girls up/drop the girls off/do the dinner/do the ironing/do the cleaning/do the washing...." (delete as applicable)
Later SmellyHairyGrocerjack
Addendum to previous post......
7.) Shaving - nope, not one bit, not one sliver of metal has touched my face - I think it makes me look distinguished. Someone else said "grizzled".
8.) Drinking - oddly enough I haven't had a drink this week, but the freedom to do so without being "joined" as it were is always nice. Why can't women understand that sometimes you just want to have a quiet drink and watch something mindless. No chat, no cuddling, just you, a glass of wine and a TV.
9.) Showering - filthy pig I hear you cry, but because I have been decorating it seemed a tad pointless to jump in the shower at every opportunity. I've only been out once on Sunday to get some provisions and to play golf yesterday. I had a shower on Sunday, vainly trying to ease the hangover. I had a shower before golf. Other than that I knew I wasn't going to meet anyone so why bother. Most of the week I have smelt like a heady combination of sweat, paint, Nitromors, Mr Muscle, Sugar Soap, dust and coffee.. I call it helping to save the environment.. Tonight I will finish the job and then soak myself in a hot bath, with my radio, and some wine. Fuck it, I might even shave.
10.) Sleeping anywhere in the bed I want with as many pillows as I like. Nuff said.
11.) Reading - every night I have been trying to read a few pages of a book for enjoyment as opposed to study. GMD normally reacts to me doing this with the female stock phrase of ".....well if you've got time to that you've got time to cuddle me/go shopping/do the garden/pick the girls up/drop the girls off/do the dinner/do the ironing/do the cleaning/do the washing...." (delete as applicable)
Later SmellyHairyGrocerjack
Things I can do......
I love my family but this week they have been away on Brownie or Guide camp (can never remember which). Therefore, I have been a man, off work and alone in his domain for 4 days and nights. As much as I love them this has allowed me to do certain things that I wouldn't normally do with them around.
1.) Fart loudly and proudly - everyone farts so don't try kidding anyone. Normally, I politely leave the room and contribute to the greenhouse gas situation, but for this week I have been able to be as load and proud as I like. Ditto for loud and proud bloke belching. Liberating.
2.) Decorate at my own pace - I had a single non-negotiable task from GMD this week - decorate the Utlility Room. GMD now knows I only decorate if her and Teenager and Baby are somewhere else for the week because that way I can take as much or as little time as I need. I can have "tea-breaks" whenever I like, schedule a lunch break in as pleases me. No-one keeps popping in the room to ask me "if I fancy a pub lunch", or "help me in with the shopping" or "can you drop me at MiddleSis's house".. Now with Teenager it's whether the GrocerJack Cab service can take her to Mini-Me's (yes it's still going....grrrrr) or WeirdMate's. All of these requests stop me in my tracks and when completed...well somehow the momentum is lost for the day. I like to choose my start times, schedule and finish times, on my own, with no help. Selfish maybe, but it's the way I work.
3.) Eating shit - not literally you understand,.but my evening meals this week have consisted of Pizza, Kebab and Indian, and my lunches have been Hot Sausage Baguettes with ketchup or HP Sauce. Mens food.
4.) Eating sweets - yep, no fruit this week. I've been eating tons lately, but this week fuck all. Like a lot of blokes I'm a selfish fucker and resent sharing anything with anybody. I don't share my drinks in the pub, I'd rather buy a whole one for somebody than give them a sip. I don't share food and I certainly don't share sweets. We buy the usual family amounts of biccies, sweeties and chocolate but I rarely see any because Teenager swoops on them and gives them to her friends, as does Baby and so invariably when I want them, there's nothing there, the cupboard is bare.. GMD likes to let any visitor have what they want. Me...I paid for it and I want to enjoy it. With them out of the way, I have sampled in glorious "me-only" style 2 bags of Maynards Sours, 2 Cadbury's Dairy Milk with Crunchie bits, a whole bar of Fruit and Nut and a tub of Mars Ice Cream. Quality.
5.) My TV - I have been able to watch what I fucking want every night. Spooks, Footie, Little Britain (outrageously funny), My Good, Bad and Ugly DVD, golf, whatever. At no point has a fucking Soap been seen on my TV. Bliss
6.) Ignoring the phone - I use the phone incessantly at work and I hate the fucking thing going off in the evening. It's rarely ever for me but I'm still expected to answer it if I'm closest. What gives people thr right to think they can disturb me in the evening. Don't they think I have anything better to do? Worst is the "surprise" call from people you haven't spoken to for ages. Me and my mates generally know when we're going to call each other, so it's not a surprise, in fact it's scheduled. And we take seconds...."Hello Mate, pub tonight?" ..."Yeah, normal time"..."Later then"...end of conversation. This week I have been able to blissfully ignore the phone...even unplugging it during The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Relaxing
And so the room is almost complete. A few bits of finishing up and it'll be as good as new. I will be up to speed on all the news thanks to my companion 5Live whilst working. And my stress levels are non existent. Even a good soaking on the golf course yersterday felt relaxing. All thanks to a few days uninterrupted peace and quiet.
It ends today, they're due home in an hour. Buit it was good and appreciated more because of it's rarity.
Later, GrocerJack
I love my family but this week they have been away on Brownie or Guide camp (can never remember which). Therefore, I have been a man, off work and alone in his domain for 4 days and nights. As much as I love them this has allowed me to do certain things that I wouldn't normally do with them around.
1.) Fart loudly and proudly - everyone farts so don't try kidding anyone. Normally, I politely leave the room and contribute to the greenhouse gas situation, but for this week I have been able to be as load and proud as I like. Ditto for loud and proud bloke belching. Liberating.
2.) Decorate at my own pace - I had a single non-negotiable task from GMD this week - decorate the Utlility Room. GMD now knows I only decorate if her and Teenager and Baby are somewhere else for the week because that way I can take as much or as little time as I need. I can have "tea-breaks" whenever I like, schedule a lunch break in as pleases me. No-one keeps popping in the room to ask me "if I fancy a pub lunch", or "help me in with the shopping" or "can you drop me at MiddleSis's house".. Now with Teenager it's whether the GrocerJack Cab service can take her to Mini-Me's (yes it's still going....grrrrr) or WeirdMate's. All of these requests stop me in my tracks and when completed...well somehow the momentum is lost for the day. I like to choose my start times, schedule and finish times, on my own, with no help. Selfish maybe, but it's the way I work.
3.) Eating shit - not literally you understand,.but my evening meals this week have consisted of Pizza, Kebab and Indian, and my lunches have been Hot Sausage Baguettes with ketchup or HP Sauce. Mens food.
4.) Eating sweets - yep, no fruit this week. I've been eating tons lately, but this week fuck all. Like a lot of blokes I'm a selfish fucker and resent sharing anything with anybody. I don't share my drinks in the pub, I'd rather buy a whole one for somebody than give them a sip. I don't share food and I certainly don't share sweets. We buy the usual family amounts of biccies, sweeties and chocolate but I rarely see any because Teenager swoops on them and gives them to her friends, as does Baby and so invariably when I want them, there's nothing there, the cupboard is bare.. GMD likes to let any visitor have what they want. Me...I paid for it and I want to enjoy it. With them out of the way, I have sampled in glorious "me-only" style 2 bags of Maynards Sours, 2 Cadbury's Dairy Milk with Crunchie bits, a whole bar of Fruit and Nut and a tub of Mars Ice Cream. Quality.
5.) My TV - I have been able to watch what I fucking want every night. Spooks, Footie, Little Britain (outrageously funny), My Good, Bad and Ugly DVD, golf, whatever. At no point has a fucking Soap been seen on my TV. Bliss
6.) Ignoring the phone - I use the phone incessantly at work and I hate the fucking thing going off in the evening. It's rarely ever for me but I'm still expected to answer it if I'm closest. What gives people thr right to think they can disturb me in the evening. Don't they think I have anything better to do? Worst is the "surprise" call from people you haven't spoken to for ages. Me and my mates generally know when we're going to call each other, so it's not a surprise, in fact it's scheduled. And we take seconds...."Hello Mate, pub tonight?" ..."Yeah, normal time"..."Later then"...end of conversation. This week I have been able to blissfully ignore the phone...even unplugging it during The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Relaxing
And so the room is almost complete. A few bits of finishing up and it'll be as good as new. I will be up to speed on all the news thanks to my companion 5Live whilst working. And my stress levels are non existent. Even a good soaking on the golf course yersterday felt relaxing. All thanks to a few days uninterrupted peace and quiet.
It ends today, they're due home in an hour. Buit it was good and appreciated more because of it's rarity.
Later, GrocerJack
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
So Farewell then.............
John Peel aged 65. It's not been a good few weeks really what with the death of Brian Clough. the under-reported death of Pete McCarthy and now today, learning that John Peel has tragically died at only 65. I listened occasionally to his show over the years and found his hunger for new music a bit too much if I'm honest. But I liked his voice, his dry humour and even though I found some of the music......well beyond me.....his enthusiasm was very obvious. But it was clear he liked his old stuff as well and not many people know it but he championed Syd Barrets Pink Floyd back in the pschedelic days of the later 60's and also a lot of the equally revered/disdained prog rock bands such as Yes and Genesis (when Peter Gabriel was their front man). One of his most famous "Peel Sessions" featured a fledgling band on the verge of breaking through to becoming the biggest rock band ever and a band respected both performance wise and critically on their musical content from all musical quarters. That band was Led Zeppelin. To play a part in promoting so many of the bands we now view as "mainstream" is a truly remarkable career.
Although sad, it is worth noting that this man had his perfect job, a solid and very loving relationship with his wife, the same fears and aspirations for his children, with the same pride for their achievements as any of us, and that's why he appealed. He was like a mate that you knew. And that is perhaps the reason this news has so patently affected so many people across such a spread of generations. People my age are increasingly aware of our own mortality and when someone like this dies it is just another chip chiselled out of our veneer of bravado about growing older. We may not show it, we may not talk about it. Life will carry on regardless, but every single event like this stops us in our tracks for a few seconds more each time, and makes us think a little more each time about how the inevitablility is catching up bit by bit. More days behind you than in front of you. It happened to me when I heard of Caron Keating's death from cancer, I grew up with Brian Clough featuring on post match TV interviews and being brutally honest and his death was another shock. I read Pete McCarthy's books lying by a pool in France, sipping a beer and thinking ..."this blokes spot on"... and then he dies very suddenly. Perhaps I'm going into my SAD period as Winter finally dawns. Perhaps I've been listening to too much Roger Waters.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.
So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.
Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say
Later, GrocerJack
Friday, October 22, 2004
Should we re-live Band Aid?
What Geldof did was put this tragedy right in our faces using the tool most likely to get the attention of the young – our false idolatry of wealth, fame and celebrity manifested in the music stars of the time. And it worked, whoever you were you couldn’t ignore what was going on, you couldn’t forget Geldof having a pop at Maggie, or swearing in his passionate plea to “give us your fucking money”. For fucks sake it even got Led Zeppelin back on stage for the only time since Bonhams death. Whatever music you liked or didn’t like, there was someone involved that appealed. Even that crusty old misery Neil Young performed in the States. None of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for one tortured, miserable, passionate, scruffy Irishman and his “never to have a number 1 single” Scottish mate. It was in it’s own way not only a master tactic, but a mini revolution.
Are you seriously telling me that we, or at least the youngsters of today, don’t need something similar today to shake off the creeping malaise of ignorance we live under now?
As you can tell I am a little dismayed at the cynicism that Band Aid III is being greeted with. One particularly piss poor view seems to be that because the idea was conceived in the 1980’s then somehow it is bad to resurrect it in the enlightened (sic) Millennium years. This ties in with the whole “new is good, old is bad” culture that pervades our society. It’s just another inverted form of snobbery emanating from smart-arse know-nothing shit necks barely out of nappies trying to show how clever they are with their pseudo-intellectual ramblings. My message to them is “fuck off back to University and get a degree in Real Life”. Then come back and comment on stuff you currently know nothing about.
In my periodic series of Art pictures in this blog I have included works from classical artists as well as modern art. It is subjective again to some point, but honestly will anyone be raving about Tracy Emin’s soiled bed in 200 years time, or a light switch going on and off in a room? That’s not breaking boundaries, its conning people.
Nothing to do with the age of the food and the merits of not eating mouldy food, rather the bollocks industry around restaurants. When I go out for a meal I sometimes want something simple, wholesome and I want enough on my plate to make me feel fully contented. I am their to be fed, and to have a drink and enjoy the company. I do not need an “experience” when re-fuelling. I do not want Art on a plate. I do not want 3 “baby” vegetables drizzled in “jus”. If “old food” is so bad why are we living longer? I’d rather eat in roadside café than in The fucking Ivy.
Fashion is a shitehole industry anyway pampering to skinny arse airheads and aging queens. But it is trendy to snigger at the 80’s fashions now isn’t it. Oh how ridiculous the hair styles were, the clothes, the music. It’s the decade that taste forgot! They said the same in the 80’s about the 60’s and 70’s, but as you get older you realise that it was of it’s time. It may look silly now, but it will recycle and at some point in the future, the yoof will be wearing pixie boots, leg warmers, ra-ra skirts (which was a top fashion idea in my view!) puffball shirts and men will wear makeup and the Mullet will return.!
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Some brief thoughts........
I have a free moment so I thought I'd share a thought or two.....
As you might have gather I was no fan of Lynda Lee Potter or the nasty rag she wrote for, so I thought a brief poem in the style of EJ Thribb would be sufficient comment on her demise. Even writing shit poetry is hard. I wish the Daily Facist would go the same way because then I'd be really inspired to write a death poem. However, not wanting to plagiarise another blogger I decided to try the poetry bit, but for a succinctlly written piece that sums up how I really feel about her please check out the fantastic Casino Avenue written by a master blogger ( take a bow Inspector Sands).
Honda - yes that's right Honda - seen the "hate Something, Change Something " advert on TV yet? Talk about breaking the mould. Whilst BMW , Vauxhall etc all roll out the usual funky songs, trendy youngsters, along come Honda with a fantastic animated piece of pschedelic film complete with horribly catchy ditty. No open empty roads, no dynamic young couples.....just sheer originality. Don't tell me this wasn't conceived after a Magic Mushroom breakfast! Visit the web site and see it yourself.
Boris Johnson - bumbling upper class wanker - stick to Have I Got News For You. Can you believe this got so much coverage? Must be a fucking slow news week.
Adrian Mutu - cocky, lazy, unfit but undoubtedly a rare football talent. He has demons in his head and perhaps his intellect (he has a degree) causes him to "think" about life more than most of the more monosyllabic characters in the game. I hope Chelsea give him the support to be rehabilated and the chance to redeem himself and show what a great footballer he can be. Blimey....would I have said that about any other player in any other team. Don't be daft......everyone knows the rules change when your team is affected!
Geoff Hoon - arrogant wanker.
Chelsea FC - I slept like a baby last night for the first time in a week, all thanks to you. Because you won and now have a maximum 9 points from 9 in the Champions and Almost Champions League? Nah, because you bored the absolute arse off me. I still love you, but honestly behave yourself. What you did last night was slowly strangle the life from CSKA Moscow and with it the game of football.
Robert Kilroy-Silk - orange skinned, big mouthed, egotistical dumb wanker
Spooks - it might be called silly, unlikely, flashy but in my view it is completely unmissable. It's oh-so-fucking trendy to have the water cooler conversation about US TV programmes like 24, The Sopranos, West Wing or Six Feet Under but when the fantastic and ever improving BBC hammer yet another nail into the coffin of ShiteTV by producing a series with strangely believable storylines (especially for conspiracy theorists like me), with warm and vulnerable characters (Keeley Hawes anyone?...well I would.....) we seem to enjoy the process of bringing it down via bile stained and vitriolic criticism from media whore knobber journo's with the intellectual capacity of a lobotomised amoeba. Spooks is every bit as good as any of the US stuff being shown here at the moment, and it's pace, production values and quality is by far the best of any current British TV series. Check it out.....it's not just for boys.
Please checkout some new blogs on my sidebar. New ones are the Chelsea Blog (strictly for Chelsea fans only), Alexa - a sort of Belle de Jour from the US.....but more real and less.....arty-farty in my view, the marvellous Jack Shian....someone with a levle of cynicism far exceeding mine - I reckon he would be a perfect drinking partner for an evening, Gert with her mad musings and Suzy Snow with her Apperceptive Journey.
Later comrades, Agent GrocerJack
I have a free moment so I thought I'd share a thought or two.....
As you might have gather I was no fan of Lynda Lee Potter or the nasty rag she wrote for, so I thought a brief poem in the style of EJ Thribb would be sufficient comment on her demise. Even writing shit poetry is hard. I wish the Daily Facist would go the same way because then I'd be really inspired to write a death poem. However, not wanting to plagiarise another blogger I decided to try the poetry bit, but for a succinctlly written piece that sums up how I really feel about her please check out the fantastic Casino Avenue written by a master blogger ( take a bow Inspector Sands).
Honda - yes that's right Honda - seen the "hate Something, Change Something " advert on TV yet? Talk about breaking the mould. Whilst BMW , Vauxhall etc all roll out the usual funky songs, trendy youngsters, along come Honda with a fantastic animated piece of pschedelic film complete with horribly catchy ditty. No open empty roads, no dynamic young couples.....just sheer originality. Don't tell me this wasn't conceived after a Magic Mushroom breakfast! Visit the web site and see it yourself.
Boris Johnson - bumbling upper class wanker - stick to Have I Got News For You. Can you believe this got so much coverage? Must be a fucking slow news week.
Adrian Mutu - cocky, lazy, unfit but undoubtedly a rare football talent. He has demons in his head and perhaps his intellect (he has a degree) causes him to "think" about life more than most of the more monosyllabic characters in the game. I hope Chelsea give him the support to be rehabilated and the chance to redeem himself and show what a great footballer he can be. Blimey....would I have said that about any other player in any other team. Don't be daft......everyone knows the rules change when your team is affected!
Geoff Hoon - arrogant wanker.
Chelsea FC - I slept like a baby last night for the first time in a week, all thanks to you. Because you won and now have a maximum 9 points from 9 in the Champions and Almost Champions League? Nah, because you bored the absolute arse off me. I still love you, but honestly behave yourself. What you did last night was slowly strangle the life from CSKA Moscow and with it the game of football.
Robert Kilroy-Silk - orange skinned, big mouthed, egotistical dumb wanker
Spooks - it might be called silly, unlikely, flashy but in my view it is completely unmissable. It's oh-so-fucking trendy to have the water cooler conversation about US TV programmes like 24, The Sopranos, West Wing or Six Feet Under but when the fantastic and ever improving BBC hammer yet another nail into the coffin of ShiteTV by producing a series with strangely believable storylines (especially for conspiracy theorists like me), with warm and vulnerable characters (Keeley Hawes anyone?...well I would.....) we seem to enjoy the process of bringing it down via bile stained and vitriolic criticism from media whore knobber journo's with the intellectual capacity of a lobotomised amoeba. Spooks is every bit as good as any of the US stuff being shown here at the moment, and it's pace, production values and quality is by far the best of any current British TV series. Check it out.....it's not just for boys.
Please checkout some new blogs on my sidebar. New ones are the Chelsea Blog (strictly for Chelsea fans only), Alexa - a sort of Belle de Jour from the US.....but more real and less.....arty-farty in my view, the marvellous Jack Shian....someone with a levle of cynicism far exceeding mine - I reckon he would be a perfect drinking partner for an evening, Gert with her mad musings and Suzy Snow with her Apperceptive Journey.
Later comrades, Agent GrocerJack
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