Letter from America.......

So what did I think of the good ol' US of A? Well if you're a yank hater then you might be disappointed because I really liked it. They couldn't do enough for us and I don't just mean the smiley people in the stores or at the parks. No, I mean the ordinary people I spoke to...and believe me I spoke to loads especially in the airports. It may be that we have a lot of Kudos there at the moment but whatever, they really seem to like us........and our money....of course.

Things I loved....

1.) WHTQ (96.5 FM) and 102.5 "The Bone"- 2 classic rock stations playing all the best hippy dinosaur rock in the world. Tell me when you last heard Teenage Wasteland by The Who, or Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, or Welcome to the Machine by Pink Floyd played IN FULL with no voiceover or self loving DJ ruining it? In fact when did you ever hear tracks like that? Even Virgin has shied away from this stuff. So,in the UK it's OK to have pompous stations dedicated to long dead Austrian, German, French and Italian composers from 18 fucking whatever, but nothing that plays (on FM anyway) classic stuff like this. Well done to the US, they have more respect for British rock than we do...in fact they can't get enough of it.

2.) Customer Service - yep it might seem false and overly sincere...but I LIKED IT! Return to the UK to be ignored or patronised by some dog shit snot nosed 17 year old on 4 quid an hour and the difference, no matter how faux is clear.

3.) Prices - we are undoubtedly and very clearly still Rip-Off Britain. Everything is cheaper there without question. Even British goods. Explain that to me please?

4.) Diners - everything that a Little Chef and Happy Poxy Eater cannot ever be. Cheap, clean, friendly, good portions, good simple food cooked well and plenty to choose from. Free refills for the kids on drinks and free coffee or tea refills for the adults (I had the kids drinks...well I was on holiday!)

5.) Air conditioning - yep, when the yanks do something they do it properly. The air conditioning is necessary in Florida, but did they half heartedly hang some noisy thing from a window to drip water on passers by? No, they made it integral. In the parks the difference between being outside and in was a big contrast. And when you buy a cold drink from a fridge....its absolutley bloody ice cold because they actually use the fridges cooling capabilities unlike most cold drinks vendors over here who merely use the fridge as a cupboard with minimal cooling.

6.) The cars - yes, they're gas guzzling environmental disasters. But Christ they're fun. Ours had an obscene 5 litre engine, with an 18 gallon tank that cost $32 to fill up up. It roared on kick-down. It was smooth and refined. It had full aircon. It was lovely but unless I win the lottery it won't ever be sitting on my drive.

7.) Kennedy Space Center - awe inspiring, awesome, marvellous and truly moving. Fantastic.

8.) Theme Parks - awe inspiring, clean...very clean, organised, fantastic queue management, its hard NOT to smile. When Baby fainted...a nurse was with us within 3 minutes. Superb.

Things I hated.....

1.) TV - it is truly bollocks. Ad breaks from nowhere, loads of God TV (strangely fascinating), and shopping channels galore. Total bollocks which i'm sure some people would love. the hughlight was an ad for Ronco (remember them) selling a knife set which started as one knife for $39.99 (spread over 3 months at $13.33) and rising after interminably numerous cries of "But wait....theres more" into a 25 piece knife set, with 8 steak knives, a vegeatble cutter a meat thermometer and a rather dildo-ish looking device used for injecting things into meat, such as Olives, or Garlic cloves,or even mashed potato. Unbe-fucking-lievable. The ad was at least 30 minutes long. Crap but compelling

2.) The roads - badly signed, badly lit, poorly laid out, potholed and very, very straight. The M25 is almost forgiven. Oh and it might be an idea if they told you the right hand lane was an exit rather than just letting you drift onto the wrong road. Just a thought.

3.) Dasani water - everywhere in Disney and Universal....No.....No...this is very bad.

4.) US airlines - worse than anything we could devise. Patently struggling with demand during summer and obviously struggling with the new security regime. We left Orlando 2 hours late (weather). Our flight to Gatwick was canned after 3 hours of being on the stand due to the plane being hit by a luggage truck blown into it by the exhaust of another jet. Put into a hotel for the night with NO food or drink. Told the flight was cancelled for 2 days (what no spare aircraft?). Flwon to Atlanta after having to check in again and go through all the security again. Delayed out of Atlanta for an hour and a half due to a computer failure on the way to the runway. Arrived at Gatwick 32 hours later than planned. Next time I want to see the words British and Airways written on the side of my plane.

And thats it. Overall a very impressive place. It's easy to see why only 20% of yanks have a passport when they have so much within their own borders. But it is very insular. Watching or listening to the news you would never know anything existed outside of its borders and I guess its a lot clearer to me why September 11th was such a shock. I'm sure I heard one newsreader refer to "Athens, Europe" when briefly mentioning the Olympics. No mention of Greece then?

Later, Grocerjack

Philadelphia Bitch……

We flew into Philadelphia in Jacks’ misguided attempt to reduce the costs of the holiday. This is the story…

Plane 2 hours late into Gatwick. Boarded 3 hours late, took off after 2 hours on the stand. US Air had kindly re-booked our onward Orlando flight – I say kindly because several others were informed of an impending hotel stay.

Very nice plane – great entertainment system. Watched Lord of the Rings (the third one) – What a dull bastard film, perhaps its translation to the airline seat back screen was not the best, but it killed over 3 hours of the flight. Transatlantic flights do not contain a lot of scenery, apart from Greenland. Landed 19:45 US time. Went through US immigration in 5 minutes (yes 5 minutes). The guy looked like, and was built like a Marine. But he was friendly and courteous. By his side was the a book called “Jihad”, although I can’t remember the authors name all I could think of was what an odd, or indeed very apt choice of reading that would be for an Immigration officer.

Then we went through the next lot of Security for the internal flight to Orlando. That is where the bitch was. Ugly as fuck, with horrific wriy gingerish hair and thick black framed glasses. My assumption is she was one of the Kwik Fit Fitter type dykes – the sort of dyke that want’s to look like and be like a man. Butch is an understatement. I went through the screening device and bleeped, as per usual (this always happens to me – perhaps I have an artificial limb I’m unaware of). So this dumb Bitch asks me to remove my watch and go again. Another bleep. Hmm. Must be my keys….well I had them in my pocket, so into the tray they went. Another attempt, another bleep. Then she started….”OK Buddy (yep really), that’s once too often, go stand in the pen” I was pointed to a separate penned off area. “Don’t talk to anybody, don’t touch anything” came the screeching voice. A very polite guy came over and started to run the wand over me. It bleeped at my belt, so I removed that. It bleeped at my inhaler, so in the tray with that! It bleeped at a packet of Gaviscon tablets in my shirt pocket. Even the security guy laughed and said “Jeez, any more we should know about” . My response was “I didn’t know I had this much mate!”.

At this point though the Bitch had got GMD to remove loads of bits as well and then she “penned” teenager. Baby had yet to go through, but was suddenly confronted by her 3 closest relatives being penned for extra security. Then Bitch started shouting at my security guy “He’s only got 3 tickets”. She kept shouting this until I finally decided to give her some back. You see, Baby was upset and becoming visibly distraught because Bitch wouldn’t let GMD back to console her. Teenager was also visibly upset now as she was given the wand treatment.

“I’ve got 4 tickets and 4 passports” I shouted

“He’s only got 3 tickets” she shouted again

“FOUR TICKETS, FOUR FUCKING PASSPORTS” I shouted. Alarm flashed over GMD’s eyes, but I had calculated that we were through immigration and were effectively in. Then my security guy butted in.

“He’s got 4 tickets, and 4 passports and 4 boarding passes”

“….uuuh well he only showed me three” said Bitch. But the Humble Pie Lorry had pulled up and was carving her a big slice at this point. I resisted the temptation to give the finger.

Yeah, you stupid bitch. I tried to smuggle someone into the country and your immigration colleague didn’t reconcile the forms and passports to the number of people!

Dumb Bitch then.

Actually Dumb Stupid Ignorant Ugly Bitch.

This did taint our initial impression of America. This was further dented by the 4 hour delay in our onward flight thanks to Tropical Storm Alex (the first named one of the year apparently). Philadelphia Airport is like Victoria Coach Station on the internal side. A dump. Hard seats, the coffee shops all closed at 10. Nowhere to go, nothing to do for four fucking hours. When we finally left for Orlando it was 1 in the morning. We flew above and to the side of Alex which was spectacular to see night, illuminated as it was by copious amounts of lightning. 2 hours of flight allowed me to calm down and accept gracefully that it was no-ones fault but the weather. We finally arrived at the villa at 5:30 in the morning instead of 8:00 the previous evening as expected. I had been on the go for 32 hours non-stop.

A day at the marvellous villa by the pool and an excursion to a Ponderosa, all you can eat for next to fuck all restaurant, and a visit to the amazing local Wal-Mart, which made our local Asda/Wal-Mart look like a corner shop soothed the stresses and within hours we were all back to normal and ready to go. You can buy guns (the hunting type) at Wal-Mart and car tyres there…yep they have an aisle for tyres. I had visions of people doing their weekly/monthly shop and JohnBoy BillyBob turning to his wife (the undoubtedly lovely Mary-Jane) and saying in that deep southern Floridian drawl

“Honey, we need some tyres for the pick up, hold on while I get another truck” (they call supermarket trolleys, trucks!).

So, I went out the cynic and came back having had a wonderful time and being converted to the way of life. This has put a spanner in the works of our planned holiday home purchase in France. We are now looking at the long term villa in Florida option. France is favourite because of its comparative nearness....but who knows. Next post will complete my America experience with the nightmare of coming home and a few other bits and pieces of observations. Then its back to normal, otherwise this becomes the blog equivalent of sitting through my holiday slides.

More later, GrocerJack

Ride’em Cowboy.....

So, here is how the scoring went between me and Teenager in our “ride stare out” bet. It turned out that “It’s a Small World” was closed (phew) so my plan had been thwarted, but she had already cleverly inserted a “fast and furious” clause before we left anyway, meaning that embarrassment was no longer a viable method of winning. This meant it was a tough match.

Rock ‘n’ Roller Rollercoaster featuring Aerosmith – Disney MGM – Teenager and Jack rode this – an absolute stunner to start with going from 0-60 in (allegedly) 2.6 seconds, straight into an inverted loop in the dark. Pins you to the seat. Quality ride, completed 4 times during the day. Score 1-1

Twilight Zone Tower of Terror – Disney MGM – Teenager and Jack completed this several times including once at night. Sheer terror and playing brilliantly on most people’s fear of runaway lifts. Another quality ride. Score 2-2.

Dr Dooms Fearfall – Universal Islands of Adventure (hereafter known as UIOA) – What a letdown. 200 ft high you are sent upwards at high speed and dropped just as quickly and errr….thats it. The remainder of the 30 seconds or so were as frightening as bouncing on the end of your bed…..er….. on your own of course. Oh dear. 3-3

The Hulk – UIOA – fuck me what a ride (as the actress probably once said to a man of the cloth) – this bastard is high and long and unlike most coasters doesn’t winch you to the top slowly and let gravity do the rest…oh no. This one makes you think that is what will happen but halfway up the first bit it shoots you out of the tunnel straight into an inverted loop at fuck knows what speed. All I know is that I had around 7 or 8 goes and NEVER got used to that start. 4-4

Spiderman – UIOA – not scary but absolute class. 3D glasses required ut the effect is mind blowing. Spidey even lands on your car bonnet and the whole thing judders as he does it. I doubt the ride goes more than 20 ft in the air and is totally indoors. But the bit that makes you think you are going up the side of the Empire State building and then falling off it made GMD nearly pass out. Quality ride. 5-5

Duelling Dragons – UIOA – 2 coasters intertwined (Fire and Ice) giving the impression that at several points you will collide with the other, or that your legs will smash into the occupants of the other coaster legs, splintering bones and leaving you in agonising pain for life. 6-6

Revenge of The Mummy – fuck me what a ride again (said the actresses sister to the Bishops vibrating friend) – Universal Studios – I cannot really describe this because it is not tall, high or in 3D. But is frightening, fucking fast, hot, cold, wet and superb. 7-7

And so it went on……..incluidng the 3 massive bastards at Busch Gardens and the wonderful (and possibly the best) ride called Kraken at Seaworld (which got 8 goes overall). We were level and it was looking to be an honourable draw. Lets call it 14-14.

But then……. At Blizzard Beach, a Disney water park…Jack threw the gauntlet down. Summit Plummet is a water slide. So what I hear you say? Well…it’s not just a water slide………its 120ft high, the drop off the edge is sheer, absolutely sheer. You reach 60mph and it lasts just over 6 seconds. 6 seconds of absolute naked fucking terror. One to test the nether regions and the swimming cossie. We queued for an hour. At 100ft Teenager was looking peaky. Jack was also feeling a bit sweaty and not because of the heat. You see Jack has (well had) an aversion to heights. Vertigo when standing on a chair to change a light bulb….you know what I mean. Anyway I suspected a chink in the armour and so being a real bastard I did a little gamesmanship and would grab the handrail and say “whoah did this thing move?”…..yes she was definitely getting jittery. At 110 ft we heard the familiar cheery shout from GMD, herself a self confessed heights/water phobic. She was at 80ft on the “rapids” ride in a doughnut thing. Quick as a flash….Teenager was off….”Sorry Dad….I can’t do it…I just can’t do it”. “That’s alright Sweetie” says I, rejoicing deep inside. I smiled, she looked sad and went back down. 5 minutes later Jack had launched himself off this fearsome bastard of a slide.

Jack had won. Defeat was taken with dignity, victory was taken with…constant Chicken noises and copious amounts of Chicken meals at every snack break. Cheap…yes, underhand…yes, selfish…yes, did it feel good? Abso-fucking-lutely. To cap it off for Teenager……Baby did the slide as well straight after me…….yes Baby did it as well. Even Baby beat Teenager. All I could hear was the sound of pegs being descended. And if you think ’m mean….just think……in a few years my blood pressure will not be able to take this stuff…so it was important for my pride and dignity to do this now. My victory is recorded in Jack’s family history. Her day will come….but not just yet.

More later, when technical problems are finally erased, GrocerJack

Jack is Back......without Charley!

Yes, my friends, I'm back and currently jet lagged beyong fucking belief,. I will be mostly resting today whilst reading the thoughts of those blogs I link to. Strange how I missed reading the musings of Watski, Dimaond Geezer, Inspector Sands, Croxy, Mick, Haddocktwat and the others but I resisted any temptations to post from Sunny Florida. I also need to put a little thought into my Jack Over America postings. Some highlights though

1. ) Stitched by the Airlines again....now it's personal. They hate me, I hate them. From now on it's BA only for me.
2.) I won! Teenager lost by one ride, but to be fair it was a monstrously scary one and she lost with honour and dignity even if she has no idea what those words mean.
3.) Charley, came after me like a demented stalker. One minute missing us completely and then changing direction and hitting us directly...yes bang on target, right over the top of the villa!
4.) Americans....some humble pie and changes in thought about these people. Aprt from the bitch at Philadelphia airport. I hope she cops an unfortunate one soon.
5.) The rides........what can I say......they make our theme park rides look like a slightly bumpy cycle ride.

More, much more after some sleep re-synchronisation.

Later, GrocerJack

Ok, so thats it in all honesty for 3 whole weeks unless I find a way of posting from Florida. I will be doing my best to soak up the culture and atmosphere of America, and hopefully to feed the occasionally creative writing process.

So here's my advice. Use this as a Test Card. Sit in front of the PC with a decent Rioja, or perhaps a drop of Sauvignon Blanc for the white wine fans amongst you. Beer works as well. Enlarge the picture. Put a CD in the drive, turn the volume up and sit back and relax. Jack will be back on the 24th. Later, my friends,later, Grocerjack 

Utter Shite, Bunch of Arse and Total Bollocks.......

I can barely contain my excitement! The company has decided that it is going to adopt some pile of festering dog turd called the Six Sigma methodology. This is outlined below and just has to be the single piece of Utter Shite, Bunch of Arse and Total bollocks I have ever read.

And I've read this four fucking times.

Six sigma is a disciplined methodology for improving organizations' processes, based on rigorous data gathering and analysis. The approach focuses on helping organizations produce products and services better, faster and cheaper by improving the capability of processes to meet customer requirements. Six sigma identifies and eliminates costs, which add no value to customers. Unlike simple cost-cutting programmes, however, six sigma delivers cost cuts whilst retaining or improving value to the customer.
The term six sigma is based on a statistical rationale. Six-sigma performance is the goal and equates to 3.4 defects per million process, product or service opportunities. The focus is on reducing variability to achieve the goal.
The six sigma breakthrough strategy involves a 'Define-Measure-Analyse-Improve-Control' (DMAIC) methodology broadly based on the Shewhart plan-do-check-act cycle.
The strategy takes an organization's key business processes through five phases to deliver breakthroughs in performance:
 phase 1: Define - involves defining the scope and goals of the improvement project in terms of customer requirements and the process that delivers these requirements
 phase 2: Measure - involves measuring the current process performance -input, output and process - and calculating the sigma capability for short and longer-term process capability
 phase 3: Analyse - involves identifying the gap between the current and desired performance, prioritising problems and identifying root causes of problems. Benchmarking the process outputs, products or services, against recognized benchmark standards of performance may also be carried out
 phase 4: Improve - involves generating the improvement solutions and fixing problems to prevent them from recurring so that the required financial and other performance goals are met
 phase 5: Control - involves implementing the improved process in a way that 'holds the gains'. Standards of operation will be documented in systems such as ISO 9000. After a 'running-in' period, the process capability is calculated again to establish whether the performance gains are being sustained. The cycle is repeated, if further performance shortfalls are identified.

Whatever happened to the GrocerJack Principle called GOFPOCS - Good Old Fashioned Plain Old Common Sense? Oh and the so called "Shewhart" principle is called Plan/Do/Review at Baby's school. My question is who thinks this sort of bollocks up? Does anybody ever really take any fucking notice? Proof, if ever it was needed that we live in a society where words speak louder than actions.

The saddest thing is that I'm sure there are corporate cock sucking fuckers out there who'll get a hard on, or find the pantie area moistening just by reading this. Pornographic writing for High Flying Achievers.

Later, GrocerJack 

 

Get off your back, go into Town, don't let them down.....

Well, I don't know if its because I'm almost fully into holiday mode, or because things have happened at work and time is a bit tight (for once) but I am finding it difficult to write anything at the moment. However, I didn't want to just piss off for 3 weeks and leave this blog on the work of art posting, but I also didn't want to write anything more "absolute shite" than normal. (Note to Watski.....I reckon it was my site that bought down Google on the search for "absolute shite" but after thinking about it I realised it was a search on "total bollocks" that probably did it as Google tried to divert millions to this little corner).

So, this posting is a bit of filler really until the light bulb in my head is once again illuminated. A case of GrocerJack going into town, in order to not let them down. Anyone who knows what I'm referring to there listened to too much Junior Choice on Radio 1 in the 70's and is giving their age away!

My cunning plan to beat Teenager in our Theme Park Ride Stare Out competition is almost finalised and runs along these lines. She is a Teenager and has transmigrated from sweet natured little girl into a full on lippy girl power, boy mad, MSN addicted, shite music infatuated daughter. The upside of this is I no longer have to put up with the twee bollocks rubbish she used to like. Not for her the childlike attraction of seeing Donald Duck (who wears no trousers normally but wears a towel when seen coming out of the bath!), Mickey Mouse and Goofy et al. No, she has "grown out" of that. Now that she has a sense of adventure and wants her thrills "on the edge" I think I have found a ride ahe will not go on. One that she would not entertain in a million years.

The one ride I know that is incredibly twee and sweet is called "Its a Small World". I have been warned about this by colleagues at work. It is saccharin sweet, sickly schmaltzy, completely safe and very slow and has a loudly played repetitive theme tune that is so unbelievably annoying and cloying that its very possible that Kurt Cobain may have been listening to this sometime before he blew his brains out trying to stop the song incessantly repeating inside his head. I am sure she will not go near this, but I may just enter this "torture by sweetness" chamber and suffer the sheer hell of the tune and the sweetness and faux sincerity in order to be able to state that I found one ride that she would not go on! I may go mad of course...I may want to drill holes in my head to let the noise out, or rip my ears off with a blunt rusty Coke Can ring, but thats what being a Dad is about, taking the chances in order to prove that I am not yet ready to move over for the Usher/50 Cent/Arsebollocks ShiteMusic generation.

Smart plan huh?

What do you think?

Just a quick note on Sven Fuckwit before I leave this posting. Sack the fool because he is an incompetent, spineless and tactically inept coach. But not because he screwed some airhead secretary who was working her way through the hierarchy of the FA, presumably until she found her favourite outfield position. I don't rate him as I have documented previously, but football managers should be sacked for footballing reasons not because of a few shags or inappropriate comments. Besides that, he isn't married and was prospectively only unfaithful to his girlfriend, the lovely Nancy Dell'Olio. But as far as I am aware you do not take any vows to co-habit or date so what did he do wrong? Mind you if a balding, rather dull, bespectacled bloke like him can get so lucky, where the hell did I go wrong?

Later, GrocerJack

This Weeks Work of Art is by Wassily Kandinsky, one of my favourite "modern" artists. This takes some looking at, but eventually draws you in and in a similar way to Picasso you can start to see different impressions and images within it. This one is simply called Yellow Red and Blue. I will not try and attempt a formal critique of this..I mean where do you start? It is not a traditionalist image, but it is hauntingly beautiful and the use of vivid coulours immediately draws the eye to the left side of the picture...why would he do that...was it intentional? The sphere in the top of the picture looks to me like the Sun...but is it being eclipsed? I do have a copy on my wall and it ALWAYS attracts comment no matter how apathetic towards art the viewers are. This is the last piece until I return from my hols. For more images of Kandinsky and many other fabulous and crap artists check out the excellent Mark Hardens Artchive. Later , GrocerJack 

Scared...moi.....?
 
Each passing day now has me wondering who will blink first. Me, or Teenager. I have shown her the web sites for Florida attractions, given her my book on the whole area (which should be called Florida for British Fuckwits).
 
But.....Teenager hasn't seen a ride she isn't prepared to try. And this is the bet.....I will beat her and will go on at least one ride that she won't.
 
But she's not blinking.
She's not phased
She doesn't give a shit
She couldn't give a fucking toss!
 
I am now relying on this being teenage hormonal bravado or stupidity. Whereas me.....well I am already thinking twice about Doctor Dooms Suicidal Deathtrap Fearfall or whatever it's called. I liked the look of the Duelling Dragons ride but looking at the web video I can feel my arteries clogging up instantly. It says "not suitable for those with heart conditions".....well how the fuck will I know that? Perhaps these are the very thing to test out my LDL Cholesterol levels. I thought I might get her with the Twilight Zone Tower of Brain Blood Vessel Popping Terror...but no...her response to this was "wow...thats way cool". The Incredible Hulk Instant Eyeball Explosion Coaster? Not a problem..."Dad it reaches 70 miles an hour....how good is that?"...."Oh yeah....it looks quite interesting"  I reply, desperately trying to disguise the tremor in my voice.
 
So now, five times a day I mentally repeat this mantra
 
I can't back down...I can't back down...I will not back down.....I am not going to lose.....
 
Nope, hasn't worked so far.
 
Scared....moi?
 
Oui :-(
 
Later, Grocerjack
 
PS...I have a cunning and extraordinarily devious plan hatching which may guarantee that I win.....more when I have developed it further!
 
 

Choices, choices, choices......
 
Well in a weeks time almost exactly to the second I will be starting my annual main holiday in the Sunshine State of Florida for a whole 3 weeks. I have been fairly ambivalent about this holiday so far because it felt more like "one for kids" than one for me and GMD. You see, me and GMD are very similar - we are, quite franky, lazy bastards on holiday. We like to holiday in France because we like everything about the place...yes that also includes the people, who only appear arrogant because most IGNORANT Brits think they should speak in our language rather than their native tongue. I have lost count of the times I've heard someone saying something along the lines of
 
" 2 Pints of lager"......"I SAID 2 PINTS OF LAGER"....." 2 PINTOS OF BEERIO YOU FUCKING FRENCH/SPANISH/ITALIAN* KNOB/WANKER/BASTARD/TWAT**"........."why can't they fucking understand me?".
 
* - delete as applicable
** - errr...yeah delete as applicable as well
 
We actually heard someone in the self service cafe on the site we stayed at two years ago complain because
 
"....that were a reet palaver...they don't speak fooking english at the till".
 
Oh the joy of seeing our finest born and bred adopting their Little Englander ignorance in a not so foreign clime and inflicting it on the people merely trying to serve them.
 
Anyway, I digress. So we like to sit by the pool, or go to the beach, eat civilised street cafe lunches, read loads of books to make up for the fact we don't get time at home, meet new people, visit little market towns or historic sites (Carcassone last time..amazing walled city that is actually still used as a working city and not closed down for tours) and have barbecues in the lovely evening sun. We never have an intinerary, decisions are made on the day or the night before depending on weather and whim. But this year......I have had to plan the itinerary (with help) so that we can see the Disney/Universal etc etc  sites. We have to try and fit a "water park" in and alongside that a trip to Kennedy Space Center because Jack still finds Spaceships and Rockets awesome and fascinating. All of which makes it feel less like a holiday and more of a ....tour......thus making me a tourist. I like to absorb the culture of where I visit, so when in France I try and speak French, eat the local specialities, drink the local wine...you know..try and "fit in" and experience something different. So to absorb some of American culture I thought a plan of action beforehand would be good. Some of this is based on observation and some on what people have told me ...Here it is...
 
1.) Eat like a horse and  become clinically obese
2.) Become a good God fearing bible bashing person
3.) Use false sincerity a lot
4.) Carry a gun
5.) Use  the word "trunk" instead of boot
6.) Tell anyone who asks that yes I do know the Queen and in fact she is house sitting for us whilst we are away
7.) Say Eyerack when talking about the situation in Iraq
8.) Make my tyres sqeal at every opportunity when driving
9.) Make out that Budweiser is a nice beer (fuck me that'll be hard ...it'd be easier to pretend that drinking piss was nice)
10.) Always ask for the "washroom" ....never the toilet, the bog, the carzy, the loo, or the shithouse
11.) Wear very loud shirts and huge shorts
12.) Never lock the car door after parking
13.) Never visit an old warehouse or factory, just to ensure I am not caught in any final scene shootouts
14.) If I hear a noise outside the villa, do not go outside on my own without a torch
15.) Say "ass" instead of "arse"...mind you I never comment on other "asses" in front of GMD as this usually results in an inflamed ear from a swift right hander
 
...any other suggestions on how to absorb or adopt some American culture will be most welcome.
 
One last favour........on the night we arrive there is a launch from the Space Centre (my proper spelling). It is the Delta 2 Messenger mission to Mercury, but I will have been on the go for around 24 hours by this time....the kids won't be able to stay awake for it and GMD would have to stay at the villa if they don't want to go. What should I do? Should I stay, or should I go? If I go, am I likely to be safe on my own? How close can I get if I haven't bought a "launch ticket". Is a launch actually worth seeing? We are staying about 50 miles from Kennedy so , really, any advice is gratefully received.
 
Later, Grocerjack
 

Summer? Surely not....

Oh my God! We've had 3 sunny days on the trot after the most miserable June and July for a long time. Why haven't we had the patronising bollocks from the weather forecasters about making sure we're covered up? Why haven't the water companies issued stern warnings about a prospective drought? Why haven't standpipes been introduced through this unseasonally warm spell? Why haven't we heard doom-mongering reports on how many people have died in drowning/sunbathing/gardening/freak ice cream related accidents? Why hasn't the sensational soaraway sizzling Sun ran its "Phew! What a scorcher" headline and covered its front page with obligatory picture of a packed Brighton beach alonside a picture of  a hat wearing smiling sun and  a thermometer showing the temperature in London against the invariably lower temperature of some generally sunnier and  warmer city (like Madrid)?

Have we just not noticed?

This cannot continue...I shall bring it to a close by doing what I usually do....washing the car. A surefire method that is far better than any rain dance!

Later, GrocerJack

Blame Culture
 
The video from Washington Dulles airport that shows the terrorists being security checked has been released. You can see it here.
 
This morning on 5 Live a woman representing a group called Skyscraper Safety in the US was interviewed about the video. When asked who was responsible she then went on to say that culpability was evident at all levels from the top of Government all the way down to the security guards at the airport and the cabin and cockpit crew of the hijacked airlines. She had lost her son in one of the Twin Towers, and so is understandably annoyed and upset with the events that unfurled that day. I would feel the same. But surely blame cannot be apportioned across the board as she stated? Ok, Intelligence didn’t spot the plots that unfurled that day, but the Americans have the best Intelligence Service and Intelligence Technology in the world, so if they didn’t see the threat or correlate the intelligence then what hope does anyone else have? She blamed the builders and architects of the Twin Towers branding them as “deathtraps”. Why? Because they weren’t built to withstand the full impact of two bloody great airliners being ploughed into them at 500 mph? Is any building anywhere built to that standard? Of course not! When they were built I doubt anyone would have suspected such an act, and even an accident would have been highly unlikely as any pilot of a distressed jet would ditch into the sea before ploughing into a building. Maybe now we have to make these considerations and it’s bad that we have had to witness such a thing before it became an issue. But blaming builders and architects is a bit strong – if a terrorist detonates a mini nuclear device in the middle of London and flattens most of it are we going to berate the likes of Christopher Wren, Norman Foster or Richard Rogers for not designing and building their creations to withstand thermo-nuclear blast? We wouldn’t, but I can’t be sure that the Yanks wouldn’t.
 
Blaming the airlines for not having secure cockpits was another target. Hmmm, well for years people have happily asked to view the cockpit, apparently without causing an issue so why would the pilots/airlines have thought any different on that day? They had not been given any warnings, or put on heightened alert. They didn’t know what they didn’t know. In fact I’m damn sure that when things kicked off they did their utmost to prevent anything from happening. The security staff at the airport were probably just going through the motions after years of checking people thanklessly and being told not to be overly aggressive in order to make customers happy and not prevent the free flow of dollars into airline and airport executives pockets. I watched a programme last week about a Peruvian aircraft that crashed  near Lima because the aircraft maintenance guy who cleaned and checked the outside had left some duct tape over the pitot sensors (which detect air speed and height). A 5 quid piece of tape killed 77 people. The guy who left the tape on the outside of the craft was jailed for 7 years. He was paid around $2 per hour. That’s right - you pay someone shit money and then put them in a position to make such a fatal error. That’s the analogy to the security staff at Washington. Being de-motivated and poorly paid does not lead to vigilant or professional staff.
 
I guess my point is that although mistakes were made that day and perhaps before it, they were genuine and honest mistakes. No-one could have foreseen what happened that day and I doubt we could foresee it now, even in the current climate of heightened awareness.
 
Why am I talking about this? Because next week I fly to the States and quite frankly the whole security thing worries the shit out of me.
 
 
Later, Grocerjack

Racist fools and vacated Teenagers…..
 
Ok, so I’ve had a couple of days working from home because I’ve hd some stuff to do with Big Telephone Company and The Company Retail Store Section , or in other words the muppets who run our shops. So it made sense to work from home, save Diesel, save the environment. Unfortunately it isn’t conducive to creative thought and so it’s a struggle to think of stuff.
 
I was going to write about the programme on last week about the BNP, but it basically showed a bunch of fuckwits…….. dim, deeply stupid and inarticulate people with a penchant for violence, and the fact is I knew that’s what they were about anyway, as I guess do most normal people, whether left or right of the political fulcrum. I actually visited the websites of some of these groups (I won’t dignify them with any links from here) and they are deeply shocking, as shocking as footage of American hostages being beheaded. Their words spread hate on the basis of skin pigmentation and religious belief and are aimed at people’s irrational fears or unwitting ignorance and this shows a level of organisation beyond anything seen previously with such neo-fascist hate groups. Of course the danger is that programmes like this can be akin to recruitment promotions and attract similar types to join, but that is the price we pay for political freedom and no matter how I despise these fools and their associated groups (White Knights of Freedom, Aryan unity etc), we have to allow their extreme views to be aired. They show the almost seamless progression of right wing politics to its worst extremes.
 
Are the far left as bad? I struggle to think of such hate groups on the far left. In fact they seem rather tame sandal wearing, animal rights, and environmentalist, bleeding hearts liberal wet types who believe all property is theft and that everyone’s wages should go into a communal pot for re-distribution. Basket cases they might be but I doubt you’d ever hear their “standard issue kicking in your door” (thanks Roger, another great line). And yes, I  know there are Animal Rights terrorist groups out there, but as yet they haven’t killed anyone based on race, or started riots in poverty stricken areas, or beaten the fuck out of youngsters of a different colour on their way home from school. At least if their hateful, despicable views are aired they can be seen publicly for the idiots they are, but if suppressed they feed on fear and misplaced anger and that’s how they grow. Let them die on the flames of the fire bought on by the oxygen of their own publicity.
 
So I did write about them then. Doh!
 
What I had intended to write about was tonight’s superb programme on BBC2 called “Inventions that changed the World”, presented by the superbly imperious Jeremy Clarkson, a man who could present the dullest of subject and make me laugh.
 
Arrogant? Yes!
Smart-arse? No question!
Self satisfied? Undoubtedly!
Funny as fuck, honest and interesting? Abso-fucking-lutely!
 
It was all about the Jet Engine, which I suppose has shrunk the world and perhaps added to our cultural diversity that the aforementioned shitneck, interbred morons hate, but somehow I think my views on this great programme and invention can wait for another day.
 
One last note. Teenager and I have been clashing more and more lately. Huge phone bills, bad attitude, loud music, locked doors, bad language, sarcasm and cynicism don’t help, but hey I’m 42 and these are now fully ingrained traits! Actually, of course they are examples of Teenager of late. The mobile bill was £70 for fucks sake, nearly all in texts! And I work for the fucking company and so she gets a REDUCED fucking rate! On Sunday we clashed in the pub whilst at lunch all over some lippy answers to me in order to show how clever she was in front of friends. It was almost a public arse-smack of the near 10 variety. But she’s gone on school camp….and I fucking MISS HER. It’s too quiet, Baby is alone and bored……GMD is quietly worried coz she’s away from home……..how can I keep in touch with the latest shite tunes if they’re not being played LOUDLY and repeated “ad infinitum?”. My sparring partner has gone, and ………I’m lonely……..and bored. Teenager, please come home safely…let the hostilities resume. Now I know how Tom feels when Jerry is out of town.
 
Later, Grocerjack

This weeks Work of Art is called "Experiment on a bird with an Air Pump" painted in 1768 by Joseph Wright of Derby and currently on display in the Tate Gallery in London. It's not really my cup of tea, but I had to do a presentation on this a few years ago at my OU Summer School and once you start digging into it it is fascinating in the extreme. The children are a mixture of fascinated and upset, the two people on the left seem more interested in each other. Who is the man pointing, is he their father, an uncle? Who knows? One of the most intriguing things about this is where the light source is. Is there a candle behind the large glass? And just what is that inside the glass? What is the boy on right doing? Is he trying to leave? Notice the fact that its a full moon but yet the room is dark and seemingly barely any light from the moon is entering it. I could go on, but I'd be recreating the presentation which was a struggle to do in the allotted time. The painting had looked easy to critique but just kept turning more and more layers. Wright was renowned for his use of light, and his treatment of the new science stuff mixed in with the romanticism of the pre-industrial revolution era. But perhaps the biggest question was the one I posed at the presentation. Was that man holding the top part of the pump a relative of Peter Stringfellow? Later, Grocerjack 

Wot no posts?

Aaah , thats because I've been busy seeing the sights and sounds of London, and using the time to catch up and get a bit in front on my studies. Plus, after a gruelling few days (sic) the creative juices were a little slack. Hopefully all will return on monday, when I can discuss the BNP (any doubts about their agenda now?), knobbers on the course, and other goodies.

A ray of sunshine though.....Michael Howard must be gutted this morning seing the Lib dems steal his chance to show how much the Tories have closed the gap. I think they need the Underground announcer on their side, constantly reminding them to......er....."Mind the Gap"

Later, Grocerjack

London calling…..

Now let’s get this straight. I am not some sort of prodigal son returning to my home town after some massive absence, far from it. I visit bits of London from time to time to see friends or relatives. However, these visits are to the suburbs of Greater London, bits of the once proud counties of Middlesex and Surrey consumed by the voracious city as it expanded its population and geographical boundaries. Surrey still exists albeit smaller than before, but Middlesex is nothing but a postal address as it disappeared under the weight of boroughs like Ealing and Hillingdon. But this is the first time I have been back and been actively writing observations about aspects of my life, or of others lives and so I noticed things perhaps differently from before.

Bendy Buses – I am a big fan of the hop on/hop off Routemasters, after all they stopped directly outside my house on the 195 route until being replaced by the insidious single decker, driver controlled things that allowed a bloke called Stickley to ignore me and threaten my brothers at the bus stop. The other people in the queue were less than impressed with him. OK, so I’d nicked his girlfriend (my big regret was letting that one slip by), but hey life’s a bastard Stickley and sometimes women do want better looking blokes with some personality (yep, he was a dull, ignorant and monosyllabic pig so I’ll blow my trumpet on this one). Funny thing is when I fronted him in a pub once, his bottle went instantly (I was pissed though). At first glance the Bendies look good, with low floors, plenty of space and easy access for the less able people to get on and off. But the RM’s had quick loading times as fares were gathered once on the bus – by a conductor. I couldn’t tell but the Bendies appear to be driver controlled as well and this was one of the frustrations for the public, waiting minutes to get on an already late bus to be confronted by some ignorant fool with no change, who’d probably just turned a kid off because they were tuppence short for their journey home. Maybe it’s just my rose tinted memory at work. Anyway, have the Bendies got personality though? Maybe in 40 years, if they are reliable then perhaps people will regard them as fondly as the Routemasters. Time has a knack of making things attain character.

Cycle lanes – Christ! Where I am staying they’re everywhere, which is great for cyclists, but as a pedestrian not quite so easy to see as a taxi, car or bus. I can see the advantage of them though in encouraging people to use bikes, which around here must be the second fastest mode of transport after the tube.

The Northern Line – I caught this from Waterloo to Euston and the train was clean, quite, quick and …new! For the uninitiated the Northern Line was for many years the absolute arse end of the tube. How Stockwell was not renamed Mugger Central, or Elephant & Castle renamed Male Rape East I’ll never know. It was dingy, dark, unreliable (I’ve sat for 45 minutes before in complete darkness due to power failure between stations, an unbelievably scary experience with people too scared to move or talk) and dirty with piss and puke filled carriages rather the norm at night. But behold, this train was sparkly, shiny, graffiti free, with recorded announcements for the partially sighted about where they were and where they were heading. Very impressive.

Bus ticket machines – next to the stops! Put the money or card in, get ticket, get on bus – perhaps this is the method of reducing loading times? I may just try it out tomorrow to see how easy it is to use. Being a fuckwit though I’ll probably cock it up.

Starbucks – everywhere. Now I know what the press are going on about. Where I live I couldn’t even tell you where one existed, let alone the number within walking distance of where I am staying. Note to self - must try one out.

Other observations so far – The County Hotel, opposite where I am staying – advertising £40 for a single room for the night and £52 for a twin or double! In the Bloomsbury district? Even the Travel Inn starts at £80 quid. What sort of hotel is this? Should I know? Should I investigate? Does it do rooms by the ….ahem …..hour?

Kings Cross – what a magnificent building. Stunning façade undergoing some presumably much needed TLC. Still awesome though. Where have the hookers gone though? The area used to teem with them, but maybe it’s undergone a clean up. My mates and me used to collect/drop people off at the station and often used to enter into friendly banter with the girls whilst we waited or went for a pint. They always seemed good for a laugh and one couldn’t help feel quite protective of them. Maybe we were just being patronising or perhaps they never felt threatened by us.

The British Library – over time, over budget and what’s more it look like it’s been located inside an old Sainsbury’s. I’m not anti modern architecture but this is a seriously shit looking building. It’ll make the perfect site if they ever decide to have a HM Kings Cross prison. Doesn’t belong in the same fucking City as Kings Cross station let alone next door to it.

Tavistock Gardens Park and Russell Square – a little oasis near my hotel and a larger park one block beyond that. Like the communal gardens depicted in Notting Hill. Beautiful. Lovers kissing, kids playing, students reading, businessmen and women on mobiles…whispering, the obligatory drunk asleep on a bench with people ignoring him. The only places I’ve seen so far where people aren’t trying to get somewhere.

It seemed to me that I was the only person aimlessly wandering with no specific destination. Perhaps it’s because I have moved away and can now appreciate London, whereas before I took it for granted but so far it has shown to me that it has the romance and oddly warmth inducing charm of any city anywhere in the world. I doubt I could live here again but my heart has been won back and now I can comment positively. London is changing, as it always has done, but this seems to be distinctly for the better. An indictment of Mayor Ken’s reign perhaps?


Later, Grocerjack (in the only part of the bar with no anti-mobile lead cage coverage)

Arrived in the smoke….

Safely.

The “not quite 3G” is not too good here and the mobile signal is parked next to the chocolate teapot. South West trains arrived at my local station 3 minutes early and got to Waterloo 10 minutes late. Doncha just love those 5 minute stops outside stations with no explanation listening to antiquated bits of the train creaking and whining? In fact I live on the only line that SWT have yet to upgrade the rolling stock, so it’s the steamy , sweaty, stinky shovel em’ in and bugger it ticket in m,y neck of the woods. Honestly it’s like travelling in the 1920’s, with draughty, smelly and noisy carriages. Still, nice to see the usual train travelling basket cases are still at large. The weirdo at my local station reading a self help guide to Ju-Juitsu, wearing his combats and talking to an unfortunate woman he seemed to vaguely know. He worried me, let alone what she thought as he rambled on about wearing a gangsters outfit to a wedding, complete with ….ahem…violin case. Apparently he went to the bank first where they called the police! Apparently he was confused as to how they didn’t recognise him as “he goes in at least once a month”. Priceless! Eventually he wore me down with his bollocks stories so I moved away before I rang the police to tell them Peter Sutcliffe’s unhinged brother was boarding a train for London.

I kind of miss commuting because it is a never ending supply of stories of lunatics and sane people worn down to the edge of insanity by the sheer hell of travelling by train. Anyway, I have written this by the window of my hotel, enjoying the perfect pint of Guinness, with a near full signal (the only part of the hotel that seems to have it – am I being cynical or do these hotel have anti mobile signal technology to force you into using their phone system at £5 for 2 minutes?). Will have one or two more and then disappear into study land.

Later, Grocerjack

Whereabouts this week……

This week I am on a course for 4 days…in London. So my blogs are dependent on The Company’s “not quite 3G technology”. This is a technical challenge, but hopefully I’ll be able to incorporate some of the spirit of the London Bloggers, like Inspector Sands at Casino Avenue, Onionbagblog Man and Diamond Geezer.

No doubt the fun will start with South West Trains and good old London Underground, both of whom have yet to qualify in my cast group of The Total Fucking Bastards by virtue of the fact that I don’t use them that often. As an ex-Londoner………no….. lets say I am an exiled Londoner, because the London bit never leaves you and I have done my utmost to keep my London-ness and accent intact from the onslaught of the local bastardised dialect where I live.....I find myself looking back with rose tinted glasses at the place, although after a few days back visiting I can't wait to get away again to the countryside with it's clean air and comparative lack of traffic.

I’m staying near Kings Cross, so that could be an interesting starting point!

Anyway in this weeks visit to my home territory here are lists of 10 things I love about London and 10 things I hate about London

Things I Hate about London

1.) The North Circular road – absolutely soul destroying bastard of a road
2.) The City – or at least the workers there - a bunch of arrogant, free loading crooks
3.) Oxford Street – a once glorious shopping paradise now reduced to cheap tat shops
4.) Waterloo Station – a shithole, nuff said
5.) Highbury – the home of The Arse, the biggest single thorn in my side for 32 years
6.) Buckingham Palace – Not the building, but it’s occupants - I’m a Republican so this is hardly likely to light my candle – would make a great museum though
7.) The London Underground – which, ironically, is in my list of things I love. I hate it because it’s unreliable, smelly, run down and doesn’t run all night. I’ve been stranded too many times due to cancellations and breakdowns.
8.) Capital Radio – a once proud London station reduced to a commercial, soulless, community spirit drained, corporate, accountant run bollocks station.
9.) The blacked out fence around Heathrow – fucking killjoys stopping me seeing the planes as I drive past
10.) Wandsworth’s one-way system – makes the North Circular seem like paradise

Things I Love about London

1.) The London Underground – a national treasure, massively depleted due to successive decades of under investment. No other country in the WORLD has an underground like ours – spend money on it (new stations, new rolling stock, new rail and signalling), pay the staff more, reduce the fares, extend it to more sites South of the river and run it 24/7, whatever it takes – and fund it publicly!
2.) The Thames – cleaner than ever and an awe inspiring sight wherever you see it from.
3.) Stamford Bridge – yeah, wonder why this is in there – the HOME of football!
4.) Southall – the best Indian restaurants in the COUNTRY. If you haven’t eaten here then you haven’t had a real Indian.
5.) Routemaster buses – reliable, efficient, fun, full of character and how can you ever replace the ability to hop on and off at will?
6.) The Greenwich foot tunnel – dingy, scary, damp, marvellous
7.) Covent Garden – the best place in any City, anywhere (with Amsterdam’s Liedesplein a very close second)
8.) Westminster Abbey, Tower Bridge, The Tower of London, The Houses of Parliament, the BT Tower, Canary Wharf, The National Gallery, The V&A, The Natural History Museum, St Paul’s Cathedral, The Science Museum, Tate Modern, The Tate, Battersea Power Station, The Dome, The London Eye – all architecturally stunning or interesting sights - yeah I’ve cheated a bit there, but I’m limited to 10 entries alright.
9.) Hyde Park – is this really in the middle of the city?
10.) Heathrow Airport – noisy - but for little boys (of which at heart I am still one) a fascinating place. Not an airport, but a proper Town in its own right.

Places I remember fondly from my own area of London

1.) Northolt Grange Youth Club – many fond memories of the girls, the disco’s and the fights.
2.) Grosvenor Fields – a park next to Grosvenor Avenue – football, bikes, fights, girls and a place to smoke without getting caught by parents
3.) Goshawk Gardens – the street where I lived until my parents decided to shuffle off of this mortal coil before I’d hit 18.
4.) Charville School – a strange little nursery, primary and junior school. It backed onto my garden and so getting in each day was a case of climbing over the fence and I was there. Mr Mcleod the caretaker used to chase us away when we played football in the playing fields during the holidays – silly old fucker – potentially stopped me from being the English Charlie Cooke!
5.) The Grange Youth Club – the Hayes equivalent of the Northolt one, bigger, better building but less welcoming. Used to host the Interspin disco’s which allowed underage smoking and plenty of girls dancing around handbags.
6.) The Carpenters Arms - my local pub for 8 years until I got married (the first time) and then had no money. I served 4 years behind the bar, serving local villains, local idiots who thought they were villains, boyfriends of girls I was also….errr….assisting and especially the local constabulary (Friday and Saturday nights, after hours until the early hours of the morning)
7.) Uxbridge town centre – the only thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. Teenager does the same excursion with her mates to our local shopping town – some things never change.
8.) Oscars – a nightclub (disco we used to call them) in Greenford. It guaranteed either a fuck or a fight, sometimes both.
9.) Steve’s Burger Bar – the finest burgers and pizza anywhere. Always packed out after the pubs were shut.
10.) The EMI club – no, I didn’t work for them but we used to go there in 6 or 7 cars from the Carpenters Arms, meet a load of geezers and birds from Townfield and Barnhill schools (our rivals when we went to school – both now defunct), drink loads of lager and then 12 cab loads of us would go to the White Hart, a pub/disco in Southall for fun and frolics.


Later, Grocerjack

10 Great Songs …………


……I heard on various radio stations this morning.

1. Will You – Hazel O’ Connor (great Sax)
2. Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand (a bright ray of light in today’s morass of shite music
3. Relax – Frankie Goes to Hollywood (heady nostalgia from my 80’s mis-spent youth)
4. No Woman, No Cry – Bob Marley and The Wailers (just takes you straight to Jamaica)
5. Ballroom Blitz – The Sweet (timeless Glam Rock – immediate transportation back to being 13!)
6. Guns of Brixton – The Clash (the Daddy of all Punk Bands)
7. Don’t Look Back in Anger – Oasis (when they were Kings)
8. Design for Life – The Manic Street Preachers (the best thing to come out of Wales…ever)
9. Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes (to be played LOUD)
10. Zombie – Cranberries (Oh Dolores, where did it go so wrong?)

Just one of those days where every tune seemed to be a good ‘un. It won’t last.


Later, Grocerjack

The Next Door Neighbour Incident……..

I tantalisingly mentioned this “incident” in my previous post and was asked by Mick from the Bloggocks to explain. So here goes…I’ll make it as concise as possible but it is a long story.

GMD is heavily involved in the village community. To date she is a member of the local Community Project, a Brownie Pack leader (Guides next), a governor at the local Primary School and also the local Junior School. She also works part time at the local leisure centre. The local parish council is inevitability. Up until the latter part of last year she was also Chair of the Village Carnival Committee. All of this takes up quite a lot of her time, as you can quite understand. The Carnival (now defunct) was a valiant effort to try and instil some sense of community into the village which is expanding in population by being one of the nearest places to Portsmouth for the current city-country migration trend that is occurring. It is also becoming a popular place for Londoners to move to (that is people like me, except I’ve been there 18 years). As more people move in its “village” status is diminished bit by bit. With this diminishment you get a free bonus of a complete lack of any sense of community or neighbourliness.

The Carnival consisted of the traditional float display followed by a funfair, exhibitions (clown, dogs, family sports day etc) and an evening party in a marquee all held in the local meadow (yes a genuine meadow!). Something for the village and its neighbouring villages to enjoy….you’d think …but that’s another moan.

Scene set.

The week leading up to the Carnival is traditionally a logistical nightmare, with floats being added, some dropping out, new attractions for the post-carnival display in the park, car parking arrangements, signposting, police liaison etc etc (that King of Siam keeps coming back). A very stressful time for the whole committee, but especially the Chair. On the day of the carnival we had people stopping outside the house to drop things off , collect things, including the children who were to be the Queen, King , Princess and Prince. We received a knock on the door at about 11:00. GMD answered expecting another carnival related delivery/collection. No, it was Hornblower’s wife – The Healer. Both of them are a bit weird. He was ousted from the Navy, but not for my suspicions (Roger the Cabin Boy was my immediate thought), but because he was a whistleblower for exposing the institutional bullying and ritual abuse of young ratings. Honourable chap…you’d think. She was an ex-Tax Inspector who had relinquished this role to become a Spiritualist and faith healer. He is a vegetarian, she is a vegan, both are teetotal so they never attended one of our legendary barbecues. Anyway, she immediately launched into GMD about people parking in front of her drive, and specifically about a friend of ours (Mr. Chelsea the third). He had stopped to drop his daughter off and his wife had walked her to the door. Whilst this was happening The Healer had approached him about parking his car across her drive. Thing was, you see, he was parked across mine at the time. He had parked across hers, let his wife and daughter get out, seen them walk to mine, reversed his car into MY drive and pulled out again to face the other way (toward his house) and parked in front of MY drive. The Healer approached him at that point to berate him. He argued the point that in fact he was in front of my drive and house, all to no avail. When she threatened the police he told her to “Fuck off you mad old bat!”. I can’t argue with his reasoning there.

GMD, being very stressed burst into tears. Why was this woman having a go at her?

Enter Jack. In full Chelsea shirt, jeans, complete with fresh Grade 1 cut. Fuming.

I went next door to ask her to complain to me and not GMD, as GMD was already under a lot of pressure. The Healer was tending her garden. Her response was to order me off of her property or “there would be trouble” and “you’ll regret this later”. I tried to argue the point that if she wanted to take that view, then she had trespassed first by walking to my front door. All to no avail. She just rebuffed me even more. I don’t believe in hitting women, no matter how obnoxious they are (unless they hit me first, then in these days of equality they’ll get a dig back)
So I resorted to the witty riposte of …..

“Or what…..you’ll get Big Bad Hornblower onto me? I am SOOOO worried”

Followed by a slightly muffled…

“You are an old bat”

Back into house, everyone is laughing. That’ll teach ‘em. Out of the corner of me eye I saw the tall, grey figure of Hornblower walking down the alley at the side of the house. To do this he would have had to open the (closed) 6 foot wooden gate. Which meant he must have stood on the wall, leant over and opened it himself.

Without my express permission.

Quiet immediately descended. Baby was at the open patio door. “Hello Hornblower” she said sweetly and oblivious to the events that had just occurred. He pushed her aside, she fell, she cried. The other children cried. They were scared. This man was obviously angry, and children are generally scared of angry men. Especially those they don’t really know. Within a few seconds Hornblower was in my front room, nose to nose with me.

Shouting.

I don’t remember what he said, but it was probably along the lines of me not having a go at his wife. I reacted by shouting back. The Grand Master told him to get out. MiddleSis screamed at him to leave. I laughed sneeringly and offered him outside with the renowned duel request of

“You fucking want some?” (repeat several times). I was aware that several people were between us, most were physically holding me back. For Jack had “lost it big time” by now. Jack was defending his family and his home. Jack was in full “flight or fight” mode and the fight element was the winner.

After a minute or so of scuffling and shouting he was ejected by a combination of MiddleSis, Grand Master and Raptor. GMS was comforting Baby and the other kids. All of this was witnessed by my friends, family and 5 people helping out who had never seen me before. In the immediate aftermath I was praised by all and sundry on showing commendable restraint and not flattening the cunt (I rarely ever use that word unless something really pisses me off and he did). I did actually correct them and say the only reason I hadn’t was because I had been STOPPED from doing so by them. When Skank turned up, his immediate suggestion was to go round and issue some summary justice, but common sense prevailed because we had all calmed down by then. MiddleSis was so upset that her children had witnessed this she called the police to complain. They arrived and did the usual note taking. They went to see Hornblower and got his side….apparently we had been parking in front of their drive for months now! Which of course is utter bollocks. The police then left and nothing happened.

As expected.

A week later we received a solicitor’s letter on behalf of Hornblower. It made the accusations regarding the parking. It alluded to my “threats of physical violence”. It threatened injunctions and legal action, plus damages. This was in danger of escalating. I rang a solicitor, who kindly asked me to read her the letter and give my account of what happened. She laughed, told me that the firm of solicitors Hornblower had used would have charged £300 for the letter, which was complete and utter legalistic bollocks, with no standing in law. Hornblower had paid to be ripped off. A second opinion from a mate who is also a solicitor confirmed this. He photocopied it to be framed in his office because it was such crap. He was also a golf mate of the solicitor who had written it and was sure he had written what he had been asked to write, whilst undoubtedly smiling at the contribution to his coffers.

To this day we have not spoken or even acknowledged each others existence. We ignore each other when we pass on the pavement or when we’re outside the front or backs of our houses. Two proud men? Or two silly fucking idiots acting like little boys?

Suits me, the bloke was a fucking nut case before this happened.

Later, Grocerjack