Great TV....
No. 1
Not so much great TV, but a great ad shown on TV. I'm surprised that no-one in the blogging community has commented on the fantastic advert for the Citroen C4 . You can view it here , just select the "See the TV Ad" link at the bottom left of the page and let it load. I know that advertising can be a heinous and nasty business, targetting vulnerable groups of people and persuading them to part with money they don't have for products they don't need, but fuck me, you do get some creative genius from it. This advert is simply stunning, right up there with the Honda "Dreams" ad or their "Hate Something., Change Something" masterpiece. A bloke at work is now having to convince his son that the Citroen C4 doesn't really do this in real life.
No. 2
Arsenal vs Chelsea, Sky Sports 1 ,Sunday 16:05. Did I watch this? Did I fuck! I decided that my hangover was too bad, and that this would not help the palpitations or nausea. I watched it later on, after I knew the result (2-2) and my beloved Chelsea had managed to come away from Airline FC's home ground pretty much unscathed. What a game though. Even the repeat was pulsating and the quality on display was fabulous and a terrific advert for The Premiership. Robert Pires is a cheating wanker though and the sooner someone kicks him up in the air and out of the game for six months the better.
No.3
How long is it since you watched a programme through your fingers because the settee is pushed against the wall? A programme of such terrifying intensity and edge of the seat drama you were tempted to take the easy option and turn over? Well, last night the BBC showed the final episode of the fantastic Spooks. I've harped on about this before because I don't think it gets the credit it deserves. maybe because it isn't fucking arty enough for the chattering classes and critics. Or perhaps it's because it isn't a costume drama. And yes, it is far fetched and glamourised but then a series about people shoving bits of paer around an office or attending security briefings isn't going to light anyones candle. But last night had me almost begging for them to not finish it the way they did. An hour afterwards I was still shaking and thinking ."....fuck me what a way to go". It had everything, kidnapping, torture, subterfuge, superb story and horrific violence, both shown and implied. The death of a main character, done so brutally and shockingly continued the reason I watched it from Series One. It is a brave thing to do to be willing to kill your stars off in order to make good drama. In the first series a main character was killed by having her head shoved in a deep fat fryer and then being shot in the back of the head. Last night, poor Danny sacrificed himself for Adams wife Fiona, by spitting out the words "Fuck you, you death worshipping facist" to his Iraqi kidnapper only to be rewarded with a bullet to the head, followed by a couple more for good measure. The scene where the same man then poured petrol over Fiona to video and put on the internet, preceded by his words "When your son grows up he will be able to view you on the Internet as you burned to death" was simply chilling beyond belief. No horror movie ever made could match this for the fear and intensity factors. Hats off to the Beeb, this was fucking marvellous TV, the best this year. Bring it back soon!
Later, GrocerJack
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Monday, December 13, 2004
A quiet week please.....
I actually spent Friday night indoors because GMD was out on on the first of four (yes four) Christmas parties - One for her job, one for The Guides/Brownie leaders, one for the sheer hell of it with all the other members of the coven and then the "locals" do down .....errrr...the local. So I actually get to go to one solitary do, whilst she does four. I think somethings got a bit out of kilter here.
However on Saturday the Grumpy Old Dads Society (The GODS), a subsection of the GoGB went out for our "sort of" Christmas do. We don't have any food, mainly because a bunch of blokes sitting in any restaurant other than an Indian or Chinese is construed as being a bit "gay" down these parts. So all we do is visit the local Brewery pub in the neighbouring village. I'm not going to give the name of the pub, suffice it to say it sounds a bit like the Clip and Shell. We use a different pub to my local simply because ...well....my local is MY local and not theirs. The pub itself is actually a hotel with a dozen or so rooms, but it is physically attached to the brewery. The Landlady and Landlord are of the old school, friendly but quite strict on drinking up after the last bell. It has a public bar for the Chav/Yob/Shazza element, where the jukebox is nicely turned up and the lager flows freely. No-one over 30 drinks on this side, well no-one who could be reasonably considered as sane. Not because of the noise, but because it's very intimidating and the the younger blokes do like to be rowdy. There are often fights but the beauty of the place is that the Landlord simply asks them to leave and because they respect him so much, they do.
We, of course, inhabit the "lounge" bar. The furniture is old and slightly tatty, but a recent .......ahem....refurb saw the carpet cleaned, a lick of paint and some new upholstery fitted and the big leather armchairs situated by the roaring open fire and Christmas tree seem to have got the once over "clean and polish" treatment to make them smell leathery again. Structurally nothing was altered which had us all wondering what exactly had taken the three months for the refurb to be completed. The toilets are not close and they are shared with the public bar clientele. This often makes for humorous banter between the groups, but because you're in the toilet it is always good humoured. This bar is frequented by mainly local people ranging from 30-something upwards. From couples to singles, men finishing work, coming home from the Pompey game or just nipping out for a couple of quiet pints and a read of the papers. Somewhere they can freely smoke their ciggies, rollies, cigars or in the case of the kindly chap near us, a beautiful old pipe with the rich and gorgeous aroma that only pipe smoke can give.. If people were wearing the clothes of the thirties, you'd not think time had moved on apart from the distant boom boom of the jukebox.
Of course being next to the brewery you'd expect the beer to be good, but by God they surpass everything at this place and I can honestly say the Landlord, standing behind the bar in his shirt, tie and black waistcoat, grey hair and grey beard provides something so sorely lacking in pubs today. He cares about the beer he serves.......no he passionately cares about the beer he serves.. He grudgingly sells the ubiquitous Stella Artois and Carling lagers, plus Strongbow Cider (or...fizzy apple juice as he calls it - although the debate over whether it has ever actually seen an apple is always an ongoing one on our visits). But, the beer....well the bitter is served at such perfection you just have to gaze after it has been poured as the pint clears slowly but inexorably, to such a degree that you can see through the other side as if your eyes had merely had a light or dark red gauze put in front of them. The taste is glorious, and you find yourself talking like those wine connoisseurs, of such things as hints of chocolate, or a soupcon of treacle. There really is nothing like it and I include the beer I've drunk in Germany in this as well. I, though chose to stick with my preferred tipple of lovely dark, cool Guinness. In most pubs some insolent, ignorant 19 year old barmaid/man serves the Guinness by placing the glass on the drip tray, turning the tap on, serving other drinks and desperately rushing to flick the tap off before the glass overflows. This is then followed by the glass being hoisted to the bar, banged down, followed by the words "Three quid mate". The head is usually about and inch and a half deep, the top is covered in bubbles, and oddly enough they get a bit offended if you ask them to fill the fucking glass up.
But not at this pub, oh no. The Landlord holds the glass at an angle and pours the Guinness in. He slowly turns the glass as the black velvety liquid hits the side of the glass and swirls round like liquid liquorice. When the glass is about three quarters full, he stops and gently places the glass on the bar. Three of us were on the Guinness so he repeats this three times. Then he moves on to the rest of the round, pulling the bitters with genuine care and holding the glasses as if they were new born baby birds, each delivered to the bar with the softest of shimmy shuffle landings into the heart of the bar towel. No spillage. The Stella is then poured, with the hint of contempt for this foreign plastic invader beer and it's bland homogenised euro-taste of chemicals. One things for sure, the recipients hangover will be far worse then mine. Then follows the Strongbow cider, an even worse concoction of chemicals and cheap materials than Stella. The landlord jokes about the lack of apples ever being near this drink...."I think they might wave an apple at the vat, but that's about it"...and he follows this with the sort of chortle only Landlords can do. One things for sure Small Sykes (for it is he) will have the worst hangover of all, and the alcohol won't be the main cause. Then he takes the money and then he returns to the Guinness. Each one is then carefully poured until the head is about half an inch and just sticking up over the top of the glass in a convex meniscus shape. And each one has a shamrock drawn on the top and not one hint of one bubble. It is a hand crafted pint and one feels almost guilty in drinking it. I tried about 12 (yes 12) of these over the four and a half hours we were there and each one was as perfect as the first. All of this in great company with two new additions to the Grumpy Old Dads Society, talking, taking the piss, laughing, arguing, bantering, letching at women we have NO chance of getting and being just a little too sincere meant a great night out. The next one will be even better.
And did I have a hangover on Sunday.
Yep, a fucking huge one!
As a footnote, my local serves my drink well, and the bitter is looked after as well. On the rare occasion that one hasn't been up to scratch there has never been the slightest dissent from the bar staff or The Governor about swapping it. That's why it's my local and that's the same in this pub, and it just shows what good customer service and actually caring about the product you sell does. That's why you get regulars who come back. They want good service, they want good company, they want good beer, and if they're eating they want good food. To have one pub that can deliver that is great, but to have two is downright fucking brilliant. And there are more apparently, so when the new digital camera for Crimbo arrives I might have to run an occasional series of Pubs I Like. No wonder our pubs are the envy of everyone else.
Later, GrocerJack
I actually spent Friday night indoors because GMD was out on on the first of four (yes four) Christmas parties - One for her job, one for The Guides/Brownie leaders, one for the sheer hell of it with all the other members of the coven and then the "locals" do down .....errrr...the local. So I actually get to go to one solitary do, whilst she does four. I think somethings got a bit out of kilter here.
However on Saturday the Grumpy Old Dads Society (The GODS), a subsection of the GoGB went out for our "sort of" Christmas do. We don't have any food, mainly because a bunch of blokes sitting in any restaurant other than an Indian or Chinese is construed as being a bit "gay" down these parts. So all we do is visit the local Brewery pub in the neighbouring village. I'm not going to give the name of the pub, suffice it to say it sounds a bit like the Clip and Shell. We use a different pub to my local simply because ...well....my local is MY local and not theirs. The pub itself is actually a hotel with a dozen or so rooms, but it is physically attached to the brewery. The Landlady and Landlord are of the old school, friendly but quite strict on drinking up after the last bell. It has a public bar for the Chav/Yob/Shazza element, where the jukebox is nicely turned up and the lager flows freely. No-one over 30 drinks on this side, well no-one who could be reasonably considered as sane. Not because of the noise, but because it's very intimidating and the the younger blokes do like to be rowdy. There are often fights but the beauty of the place is that the Landlord simply asks them to leave and because they respect him so much, they do.
We, of course, inhabit the "lounge" bar. The furniture is old and slightly tatty, but a recent .......ahem....refurb saw the carpet cleaned, a lick of paint and some new upholstery fitted and the big leather armchairs situated by the roaring open fire and Christmas tree seem to have got the once over "clean and polish" treatment to make them smell leathery again. Structurally nothing was altered which had us all wondering what exactly had taken the three months for the refurb to be completed. The toilets are not close and they are shared with the public bar clientele. This often makes for humorous banter between the groups, but because you're in the toilet it is always good humoured. This bar is frequented by mainly local people ranging from 30-something upwards. From couples to singles, men finishing work, coming home from the Pompey game or just nipping out for a couple of quiet pints and a read of the papers. Somewhere they can freely smoke their ciggies, rollies, cigars or in the case of the kindly chap near us, a beautiful old pipe with the rich and gorgeous aroma that only pipe smoke can give.. If people were wearing the clothes of the thirties, you'd not think time had moved on apart from the distant boom boom of the jukebox.
Of course being next to the brewery you'd expect the beer to be good, but by God they surpass everything at this place and I can honestly say the Landlord, standing behind the bar in his shirt, tie and black waistcoat, grey hair and grey beard provides something so sorely lacking in pubs today. He cares about the beer he serves.......no he passionately cares about the beer he serves.. He grudgingly sells the ubiquitous Stella Artois and Carling lagers, plus Strongbow Cider (or...fizzy apple juice as he calls it - although the debate over whether it has ever actually seen an apple is always an ongoing one on our visits). But, the beer....well the bitter is served at such perfection you just have to gaze after it has been poured as the pint clears slowly but inexorably, to such a degree that you can see through the other side as if your eyes had merely had a light or dark red gauze put in front of them. The taste is glorious, and you find yourself talking like those wine connoisseurs, of such things as hints of chocolate, or a soupcon of treacle. There really is nothing like it and I include the beer I've drunk in Germany in this as well. I, though chose to stick with my preferred tipple of lovely dark, cool Guinness. In most pubs some insolent, ignorant 19 year old barmaid/man serves the Guinness by placing the glass on the drip tray, turning the tap on, serving other drinks and desperately rushing to flick the tap off before the glass overflows. This is then followed by the glass being hoisted to the bar, banged down, followed by the words "Three quid mate". The head is usually about and inch and a half deep, the top is covered in bubbles, and oddly enough they get a bit offended if you ask them to fill the fucking glass up.
But not at this pub, oh no. The Landlord holds the glass at an angle and pours the Guinness in. He slowly turns the glass as the black velvety liquid hits the side of the glass and swirls round like liquid liquorice. When the glass is about three quarters full, he stops and gently places the glass on the bar. Three of us were on the Guinness so he repeats this three times. Then he moves on to the rest of the round, pulling the bitters with genuine care and holding the glasses as if they were new born baby birds, each delivered to the bar with the softest of shimmy shuffle landings into the heart of the bar towel. No spillage. The Stella is then poured, with the hint of contempt for this foreign plastic invader beer and it's bland homogenised euro-taste of chemicals. One things for sure, the recipients hangover will be far worse then mine. Then follows the Strongbow cider, an even worse concoction of chemicals and cheap materials than Stella. The landlord jokes about the lack of apples ever being near this drink...."I think they might wave an apple at the vat, but that's about it"...and he follows this with the sort of chortle only Landlords can do. One things for sure Small Sykes (for it is he) will have the worst hangover of all, and the alcohol won't be the main cause. Then he takes the money and then he returns to the Guinness. Each one is then carefully poured until the head is about half an inch and just sticking up over the top of the glass in a convex meniscus shape. And each one has a shamrock drawn on the top and not one hint of one bubble. It is a hand crafted pint and one feels almost guilty in drinking it. I tried about 12 (yes 12) of these over the four and a half hours we were there and each one was as perfect as the first. All of this in great company with two new additions to the Grumpy Old Dads Society, talking, taking the piss, laughing, arguing, bantering, letching at women we have NO chance of getting and being just a little too sincere meant a great night out. The next one will be even better.
And did I have a hangover on Sunday.
Yep, a fucking huge one!
As a footnote, my local serves my drink well, and the bitter is looked after as well. On the rare occasion that one hasn't been up to scratch there has never been the slightest dissent from the bar staff or The Governor about swapping it. That's why it's my local and that's the same in this pub, and it just shows what good customer service and actually caring about the product you sell does. That's why you get regulars who come back. They want good service, they want good company, they want good beer, and if they're eating they want good food. To have one pub that can deliver that is great, but to have two is downright fucking brilliant. And there are more apparently, so when the new digital camera for Crimbo arrives I might have to run an occasional series of Pubs I Like. No wonder our pubs are the envy of everyone else.
Later, GrocerJack
Thursday, December 09, 2004
The Nativity Play.....
Yes folks its that time of year again, whereby as a dutiful parent I oblige my responsibility to dispense with two hours of valuable time to go and watch the Junior School Nativity play. You have to understand that Teenager has been out of this scholl for two years now and Baby has been there for three of her allotted four years. So, overall for six years I have made my way to my junior size plastic seat in the school hall to watch either the Summer Show, or the Nativity Play.
I digress......the seat size makes no odds to me because.......well......frankly I'm not exactly likely to be picked for the Village Basketball Team. I lack a certain amount of inches in the height department...luckily though not anywhere more...ahem ....important (well I would say that wouldn't I). Lets put it another way...I've never had cause to complain about aircraft legroom no matter how cheap the flight. Very definitely vertically challenged (ooh good...can I have a council house please?).
So back to the play. If you include the Primary School years then we're looking at about 18 showsI've done in all. A day and a half of my life has been spent watching children in religous themed plays. Of course it seems so sweet and beautifully innocent when you first go. You watch as the fruit of your loins proudly sings to the carols, or emotionlessly blurts out their simplistic lines containing words they don't understand in order to tell the story of the as yet unmatched virgin birth (wouldn't you have been a bit fucked off if you'd been Joseph? I mean Ok God fucks your wife and gives birth to the new King of the World and you don't even end up laden with riches...bum deal). You sit their grinning like a demented Bonnie Langford who's got a Rampant Rabbit running inside her having just smoked some home grown Dutch Skunk . But then the horror hits home.......after about 10 minutes of this, you've had enough. Your kids done their bit and now you're just looking at the genetic horrors that have been spawned by the Chav insurgency into your Village or Town. Little boys called Keanu or Tyler fingers laden with bogeys , little girls called Shania or Beyonce, ears freshly pierced for the second time having been done for the first time ten minutes after birth stand their and howl out songs plastered in Mum's No.7 make up. And all you can do is smile because you're trapped in this nightmare. When you want the mobile to ring from work it never does. You can't leave because your other half would be mortified and you could kiss goodbye to any more dry runs on making new offspring for a few weeks. Your rictus grin is now fixed to your face, and you clap with everyone else. It's a wonder the Head doesn't come out and throw you some fish your performing so well. The clock slows to a crawl, each second lasts a minute. Time doesn't travel this slow when your team are beating Arsenal 1-0 with 15 minutes to go and you're down to 9 men! The bodies defence systems are starting to kick in with 20 minutes to go, your eyes are glazing over, your ears are set to auto-muffle, your nose blocks itself, your breathing shallows. You are nearly asleep but.........
....then the horror really starts. The Head walks out and says those dreaded words, words that are far worse than such delights in your life like
"I'm late..."
"Do you love me...."
"Look what I bought. There was 20% off..."
"Darling , I'm not sure whats wrong with the car but...."
"FA Cup Final result : Arsenal 2 - Chelsea 0"
"He's just a friend..."
"Dad...I've something I need to tell you......"
"Guess who's coming over...."
No, this is far worse. She scans the audience, noting the Burberry baseball caps, the leather jackets (yep, that'd be me), the Nike trainers and slowly dons the black cap.........well she might as well do because then she says
"Now it's your turn.....show the children just how well you can sing...after all you're their role models"
God help them I think. Now I can sing...in the car, the shower or the bath. I'm quite a dab hand at a party after 10 pints of Guinness and a few slammers. I really come onto my own on thje terraces of Stamford Bridge (sung to the tune of My Eyes have seen the Glory of the Coming of the Lord...I think I've got a Blue movie called that...)
"The Famous Tottenham Hotspur went to Rome to see the Pope, The Famous Tottenham Hotspur went to Rome to see the Pope, The Famous Tottenham Hotspur went to Rome to see the Pope and this is what he said.....FUCK OFF...,.who's that team they call the Chelsea, who's that team we all adore, wer der wer der wer wer wer der der der wer wer wer wer Coz Chelsea are the greatest football team"
You see - real class lyrics. And of course we have no real evidence yet to prove that final statement about our alleged greatness.
Anyway, the horror on all our faces is apparent, the Chavs are horrified, the pseudo snobs just want to die there and then, Dads groan inwardly, Mums just think......"aaaah ...well if the kids can do it...". To be honest most of the blokes are thinking along similar lines, with a slight variation of ...." ....just coz the kids can do it, why the fuck should I...this cost me a pound....they should fucking entertain me"...or maybe that was just me. We sang, in that tuneless, dreary, half arsed under the breath way that English adults do (I'm sure in Wales they fair sing the house down). Of course, some just cowardly fuckers just mouthed the words. I would have done if I was brave enough to even be a coward, but the look from GMD was one mark on the scale away from Medusa's "turn to stone" setting. Time just ran even slower. After eternity multiplied by ten, it was over and we could go. I said goodbye to friends and Hello to others I couldn't see on account of me not being able to see over the top of my chair without standing on it. As we walked out , Baby beaming away, the sense of relief was almost overwhelming. It was over, at least until the summer show. Life could start again and I could start planning the "very important reason to work late" excuse for that forthcoming event.
I hope to God the nativity story is true because if it isn't then I am going to having a little word with the Creator when he finally pops my clogs for me.
Later, GrocerJack
Yes folks its that time of year again, whereby as a dutiful parent I oblige my responsibility to dispense with two hours of valuable time to go and watch the Junior School Nativity play. You have to understand that Teenager has been out of this scholl for two years now and Baby has been there for three of her allotted four years. So, overall for six years I have made my way to my junior size plastic seat in the school hall to watch either the Summer Show, or the Nativity Play.
I digress......the seat size makes no odds to me because.......well......frankly I'm not exactly likely to be picked for the Village Basketball Team. I lack a certain amount of inches in the height department...luckily though not anywhere more...ahem ....important (well I would say that wouldn't I). Lets put it another way...I've never had cause to complain about aircraft legroom no matter how cheap the flight. Very definitely vertically challenged (ooh good...can I have a council house please?).
So back to the play. If you include the Primary School years then we're looking at about 18 showsI've done in all. A day and a half of my life has been spent watching children in religous themed plays. Of course it seems so sweet and beautifully innocent when you first go. You watch as the fruit of your loins proudly sings to the carols, or emotionlessly blurts out their simplistic lines containing words they don't understand in order to tell the story of the as yet unmatched virgin birth (wouldn't you have been a bit fucked off if you'd been Joseph? I mean Ok God fucks your wife and gives birth to the new King of the World and you don't even end up laden with riches...bum deal). You sit their grinning like a demented Bonnie Langford who's got a Rampant Rabbit running inside her having just smoked some home grown Dutch Skunk . But then the horror hits home.......after about 10 minutes of this, you've had enough. Your kids done their bit and now you're just looking at the genetic horrors that have been spawned by the Chav insurgency into your Village or Town. Little boys called Keanu or Tyler fingers laden with bogeys , little girls called Shania or Beyonce, ears freshly pierced for the second time having been done for the first time ten minutes after birth stand their and howl out songs plastered in Mum's No.7 make up. And all you can do is smile because you're trapped in this nightmare. When you want the mobile to ring from work it never does. You can't leave because your other half would be mortified and you could kiss goodbye to any more dry runs on making new offspring for a few weeks. Your rictus grin is now fixed to your face, and you clap with everyone else. It's a wonder the Head doesn't come out and throw you some fish your performing so well. The clock slows to a crawl, each second lasts a minute. Time doesn't travel this slow when your team are beating Arsenal 1-0 with 15 minutes to go and you're down to 9 men! The bodies defence systems are starting to kick in with 20 minutes to go, your eyes are glazing over, your ears are set to auto-muffle, your nose blocks itself, your breathing shallows. You are nearly asleep but.........
....then the horror really starts. The Head walks out and says those dreaded words, words that are far worse than such delights in your life like
"I'm late..."
"Do you love me...."
"Look what I bought. There was 20% off..."
"Darling , I'm not sure whats wrong with the car but...."
"FA Cup Final result : Arsenal 2 - Chelsea 0"
"He's just a friend..."
"Dad...I've something I need to tell you......"
"Guess who's coming over...."
No, this is far worse. She scans the audience, noting the Burberry baseball caps, the leather jackets (yep, that'd be me), the Nike trainers and slowly dons the black cap.........well she might as well do because then she says
"Now it's your turn.....show the children just how well you can sing...after all you're their role models"
God help them I think. Now I can sing...in the car, the shower or the bath. I'm quite a dab hand at a party after 10 pints of Guinness and a few slammers. I really come onto my own on thje terraces of Stamford Bridge (sung to the tune of My Eyes have seen the Glory of the Coming of the Lord...I think I've got a Blue movie called that...)
"The Famous Tottenham Hotspur went to Rome to see the Pope, The Famous Tottenham Hotspur went to Rome to see the Pope, The Famous Tottenham Hotspur went to Rome to see the Pope and this is what he said.....FUCK OFF...,.who's that team they call the Chelsea, who's that team we all adore, wer der wer der wer wer wer der der der wer wer wer wer Coz Chelsea are the greatest football team"
You see - real class lyrics. And of course we have no real evidence yet to prove that final statement about our alleged greatness.
Anyway, the horror on all our faces is apparent, the Chavs are horrified, the pseudo snobs just want to die there and then, Dads groan inwardly, Mums just think......"aaaah ...well if the kids can do it...". To be honest most of the blokes are thinking along similar lines, with a slight variation of ...." ....just coz the kids can do it, why the fuck should I...this cost me a pound....they should fucking entertain me"...or maybe that was just me. We sang, in that tuneless, dreary, half arsed under the breath way that English adults do (I'm sure in Wales they fair sing the house down). Of course, some just cowardly fuckers just mouthed the words. I would have done if I was brave enough to even be a coward, but the look from GMD was one mark on the scale away from Medusa's "turn to stone" setting. Time just ran even slower. After eternity multiplied by ten, it was over and we could go. I said goodbye to friends and Hello to others I couldn't see on account of me not being able to see over the top of my chair without standing on it. As we walked out , Baby beaming away, the sense of relief was almost overwhelming. It was over, at least until the summer show. Life could start again and I could start planning the "very important reason to work late" excuse for that forthcoming event.
I hope to God the nativity story is true because if it isn't then I am going to having a little word with the Creator when he finally pops my clogs for me.
Later, GrocerJack
Briefs....
Oh shit! The British Grand prix has been reprieved. I thought we'd got away with it.
Oh shit! Lets hope this disease doesn't come back to haunt him.
Fuck it! Like anyone other than Pompey fans really care! Get over it.
Oh shit! Looks like I had mine in time then as I'm constantly using one of these.
Poor sod! Ricky Tomlinson is one of my heroes. How sad for him.
Fucking good job! Even this is too good for this bastard.
Bollocks! I'd better start planning then if this thing is right!
Later, GrocerJack
Oh shit! The British Grand prix has been reprieved. I thought we'd got away with it.
Oh shit! Lets hope this disease doesn't come back to haunt him.
Fuck it! Like anyone other than Pompey fans really care! Get over it.
Oh shit! Looks like I had mine in time then as I'm constantly using one of these.
Poor sod! Ricky Tomlinson is one of my heroes. How sad for him.
Fucking good job! Even this is too good for this bastard.
Bollocks! I'd better start planning then if this thing is right!
Later, GrocerJack
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
It's only Words.....
In the spirit of the festive season and all that
In the spirit of the festive season and all that
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge.
Later, GrocerJack
Who really cares?
So what is all the fuss about David Blunkett then? From what I can make out his detractors are hitting him from a couple of fronts, one being the fact that he had an affair with a married woman, Kimberley Quinn, although single himself, and the other that he influenced the speed that a Visa was issued to his lover’s Nanny because he is the Home Secretary. The biggest media whore MP in the country, the Tory wanker David Davies has been an almost constant presence on the news bulletins in his childlike eagerness to at last force a resignation from The Nanny Government. If you were to listen to this absolute tosser or read the shite bag right wing press such as The Scum, or The Daily Facist then you might be mistaken for thinking that our current Home Secretary had been buggering Cherie Blair in the back of one of John Prescott’s “two jags”, whilst snorting lines of Charlie from the Queens left bra cup, whilst toting an Uzi sub machine gun out of the rear window.
But he hadn’t.
He fell in love with a married woman and she apparently fell in love with him. So much so, that she had a child with him (paternity tests results pending). Anyone who has fallen in love knows one thing for sure……you don’t choose it…it chooses you and the harder you resist the worse it gets. And let’s not forget that no-one appears to making any moral judgements on Kimberly Quinn in all this, just hinting that perhaps a man in Blunkett’s position in the government shouldn’t be conducting affairs full stop, least of all with a married woman. Well why not? Surely this is a private matter between his conscience, his feelings and his lover? It has nothing to do with you or me, the press or anyone else, with the possible exception of the scorned husband, provided it doesn’t affect Blunkett’s ability to do his job. A few people have questioned how he could have conducted this clandestine affair without it affecting his judgement, but this is easily shot down by the “absurd consequences” argument. That is an argument which says that if his ability to conduct his job objectively and professionally is affected then the same principle would surely apply to everyone across the
As for the Visa application, well what is the issue if he did use his influence? Am I naïve here? Wouldn’t every one of us do the same? Don’t we do favours everyday for those we like above those we dislike? Isn’t this a normal facet of business daily life? Lets put it this way…if I was Pm, then I’d have my own private fucking jet…after all I am the leader of the country. I’d have a nice house; I’d accept large sums of money as gifts from companies…it doesn’t make me corrupt. I’d accept free tickets for
Later, CorruptJack
Friday, December 03, 2004
Mindless entertainment…….
Sometimes I just want to get in from work and watch something mindless, a chance to switch off the brain and be taken somewhere nice and untaxing. I don’t mean the Australian jungle where I can watch former, wanabee, and neverwillbe celebrities allow themselves to be publicly and ceremoniously humiliated in order to sharpen the double edged sword of raised profile/flagging career boost whilst raising money for “charidee mate”. Nor do I mean entering the world of Soapland, although I will admit to being a closet admirer of Emmerdale, hold a grudging respect for Corrie, which retains it’s darkly northern sense of humour. I hate and detest the soap based in my home town though. Eastenders is as far from being a realistic portrayal of typical Londoners as Liberace was from being a serial womaniser. No, I mean the type of film or programme that doesn’t try your patience, has enough feel-good factors, humour and interest without shoving some cause at me, or reflecting some sort of real life bizarre event or having labyrinthine plotlines. And not something that classes itself as high art, in fact the dumber the better. So here’s a Jack list of my ten favourite bits of utterly mindless, non-thinking, brain relaxing bits of entertainment.
1. Abba Gold – put the disc in, slide the headphones on, ramp up the volume, place glass of Rioja by side, put feet up, shut eyes, visualise band and sing. Nobody does it better….
2. Notting Hill – Dump the “twee, not like real life, sanitized view of Notting Hill” bollocks the critics, snipers and film snobs continually harp on about. That’s exactly the point. It isn’t real - it’s fantasy. And such a stunning simple love story plot - English boy runs bookshop, famous beautiful rich girl enters shop, boy is fumbling bumbling fool (and nobody is better than Hugh Grant at this) , they fall in love, they fall out, they re-unite. Simple, effective, funny, tearful and what the British always do best…show ourselves as flawed, vulnerable, defeatist but ultimately dogged people. The best of the Richard Curtis films by far.
3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles – this is what the yanks do pretty well. Unfeasible unlikely mix ups, love/hate relationships blossoming into mutual dependence and friendship all served up with a Schmaltz filling wrapped up in a slapstick pastry. One of the best movie scenes ever is Steve Martin asking for a replacement car at the airport after the sorely missed John Candy has taken the one he had booked.
4. Friends – any episode, any series. Yup, I have the full set of Friends, all ten series in pristine box sets on marvellous DVD. I thought they were twee, but I got to know the characters, courtesy of American suits who knew a good thing when they saw it and were prepared to let the writers develop the characters and storylines, without affecting the independent standalone nature of each episode. They gave it time to develop and grow irrespective of early ratings mediocrity. And American sit-com is better at doing what real sit-com should do than anyone else, particularly us. They pull you from laugh out loud moments to moments that make you close to tears and then back to laughter gain in minutes. They pull the emotions about with silky smooth ease, without resorting to stupidity or patronising the viewer.
5. Grand Theft Auto – Switch on PS2, insert disc, steal cars, run people over, fight coppers. Mindless, devilishly fun, highly immoral.
6.
7. Planet Rock – only available on DAB or via the TV. Plays back to back rock. No soul, no rap, no R&B, no folk, no dance, no garage, no drum ‘n’ bass, no boy bands, no girl bands, no pop, no local news or features, no manufactured bilge from the Simon Cowell production line of utter tripe, no former hospital radio DJ’s and most important of all – no pretensions to be anything other than a balls out rock radio station. Once played “All the things she said” by the now defunct faux lesbian duo TATU, but considering what a masterful and flawless piece of pop this was, can be forgiven and even applauded for doing so. Best listened to with beer not wine.
8. Top Gun – boys own stuff here. Navy boy joins Top Gun Academy, screws trainer, loses partner, falls in love with trainer, has issues with arrogant rival, gets new partner, saves the day, becomes hero, earns respect of rival. The End. All with great flying scenes in fuck-off fighter aircraft that every bloke would like to have a go in! Should be played back as loudly as possible to get the F-14 Tomcat roar to shake the living room windows and the floor to vibrate. As if you were next to the aircraft. Pure stupid mindless escapism.
9. A Fish Called Wanda /
10. Rocky II – Simple – scene one opens in the hospital hours after Rocky’s narrow defeat to Apollo Creed, ends up with him trying to endorse products on TV, acting (even Stallone acting as acting didn’t really work) and inevitably being forced back into a rematch for money, and to prove it was no fluke. In the middle of this Adrienne (his wife) falls pregnant and nearly miscarries……all together now…...”I want you to do something for me Rock…” “What’s that Adrienne?”……”Win”….”Huh?”….”I want you to win” cue Rocky music, goosepimples, adrenalin flowing and you know the rest. This is the only film I have ever seen in the cinema where the audience stood up at the end and cheered and applauded.
None of these are high art, with intricate storylines, or subtlety, neither do they shed light on real events, pretend to be avant garde, propagate conspiracy theories, break new musical ground or challenge my mental state in any real way.
And that’s just the way I want it after a long day at work
Later, Grocerjack
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Come back soon.....
Last night saw the end of The L Word...........thats Wednesday nights buggered then.
And yes I did watch for the obvious reasons but to my surprise it was also a quality drama series, and all the more surprising because it pulled no punches, with the storylines, the language or the ....ahem....action. I thought all US TV was sanitised, but this one , like The Sopranos and Six Feet Under seem to be breaking the mould. Either that or they're hidden away on super encrypted channels at four in the morning.
A felow blogger Watski wrote an excellent piece on the shiteness that is Elton John, and I saw a bit of the bollocks Ivor Novello programme on Saturday night. There is nothing else for me to say except that Sir Elt is becoming one of my prime hate figures. I have liked his music in the past, but what happened to dignity? Does he continually have to ram his gayness down our throats (I'm sure he'd be giggling like a schoolboy at that one). Does he think that his tantrums and swearing on live radio outbursts endear him to the "yoof of 2day". Are we supposed to laugh at his "outrageous" costumes (didn't Danny La Rue do that for a living?). Has no-one told him that how daft his syrups are? But even sadder is the fact that he can't write songs anymore, they all sound like re-hashes of his old stuff .....but without the quality. Sorry Elton, it's time to call it a day and retire to the "nostalgia" circuit.
Some more tonight, GrocerJack
Last night saw the end of The L Word...........thats Wednesday nights buggered then.
And yes I did watch for the obvious reasons but to my surprise it was also a quality drama series, and all the more surprising because it pulled no punches, with the storylines, the language or the ....ahem....action. I thought all US TV was sanitised, but this one , like The Sopranos and Six Feet Under seem to be breaking the mould. Either that or they're hidden away on super encrypted channels at four in the morning.
A felow blogger Watski wrote an excellent piece on the shiteness that is Elton John, and I saw a bit of the bollocks Ivor Novello programme on Saturday night. There is nothing else for me to say except that Sir Elt is becoming one of my prime hate figures. I have liked his music in the past, but what happened to dignity? Does he continually have to ram his gayness down our throats (I'm sure he'd be giggling like a schoolboy at that one). Does he think that his tantrums and swearing on live radio outbursts endear him to the "yoof of 2day". Are we supposed to laugh at his "outrageous" costumes (didn't Danny La Rue do that for a living?). Has no-one told him that how daft his syrups are? But even sadder is the fact that he can't write songs anymore, they all sound like re-hashes of his old stuff .....but without the quality. Sorry Elton, it's time to call it a day and retire to the "nostalgia" circuit.
Some more tonight, GrocerJack
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
A lazy bastard post.....
Just feeling a bit lazy this week, whilst I compile my Christmas Heaven and Hell posts. So here's one sent to me that I liked.....
Just feeling a bit lazy this week, whilst I compile my Christmas Heaven and Hell posts. So here's one sent to me that I liked.....
100 Great Reasons It's Great To Be A Man
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7) Your bathroom queues are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Men in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17) You understand why Alan Partridge is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humour in Titanic
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32) Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
33) Fighting with your mates when drunk and not knowing anything about it the next day
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original colour.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be President. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt in a swimming pool.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a dam if anyone notices your new haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with your mates for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another petrol station because this one's just too dirty.
67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69) Same work...more pay!
70) Grey hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: £5,000; rental suit: £25.
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) Sky Sports.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81) Stag parties kick arse over hen nights.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the toilet.
85) If you don't call your friend when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
88) If another man shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There's always a game on somewhere.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
10 Things that are shit about being a man…..
1) You have to take out the rubbish.
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over £200,000.
3) No sofas in your pub, restaurant or work toilet.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fast balls.
5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6.) Heart attacks!
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8) You can never actually be a lesbian! Not even for one night!
9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10) "Women and children first."
Later , GrocerJack
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Remember Rainbow?
Every now and then people send me bits and pieces which are suitable for this blog, some are completely unintentional, such as the email I posed earlier this week, whilst some are very intentional. This one, sent to me by The Policemans Daughter is absolute manna from blogging heaven and has had me laughing out loud. Do you remember the childrens programme Rainbow? Well, this episode of Rainbow is allegedly a real episode that was broadcast and possibly watched by an audience of millions, most of them undoubtedly under 8 years of age. Absolutely marvellous and a proof that we English really are the kings of the "double entendre". If you're not on Broadband then it might take a few minutes to load but I urge you to persevere with it, it is worth it.
Later TwangerJack
Every now and then people send me bits and pieces which are suitable for this blog, some are completely unintentional, such as the email I posed earlier this week, whilst some are very intentional. This one, sent to me by The Policemans Daughter is absolute manna from blogging heaven and has had me laughing out loud. Do you remember the childrens programme Rainbow? Well, this episode of Rainbow is allegedly a real episode that was broadcast and possibly watched by an audience of millions, most of them undoubtedly under 8 years of age. Absolutely marvellous and a proof that we English really are the kings of the "double entendre". If you're not on Broadband then it might take a few minutes to load but I urge you to persevere with it, it is worth it.
Later TwangerJack
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
No art this week, so instead I thought I'd post a gratuitous picture of the gorgeous Jennifer Aniston. Whatever she might be like as a person, whether or not she's a Big Time Billy with no real thought to ordinary people like me...or you, she is still one very hot looking and fit woman. Sorry to my female readers, but I just felt we needed a bit of eye candy on the page. Later GrocerJack
Beep beep fucking beep......
What is this the sound of?
Beep beep beep beep......beep.......beep....whirrrrr....(several hours later)..." A pint of Guinness, a pint of Carling for Mr Chelsea...and a Blackcurrant and Soda for Mrs Chelsea please Young BarSteward...£5.80....there you go mate"
Yes, it's me going to the ATM at the Co-op near my house , getting some money out, and then later on buying some drinks at the pub. Simple isn't it? Well apparently not for the fuckwits who are always in front of me in the queue. Seriously, I put my card in and six beeps later, 2 seconds of whirring and I get my cash and card and fuck off down the pub...(well I might have some food in between, spend quality time with my kids, by GMD some wine....but you get the picture). Total time at machine.....20 seconds maximum!.
No, when I get to the machine, someone always runs to it to beat me. "Wanker/bitch" I whisper under my breath to myself...(inside I'm thinking about mugging them just to teach them a lesson for being in front of a loudmouth, opinionated Chelsea fan.....perhaps The Football Factory had a bigger effect than I thought). The thing is all I then hear is..
Beep Beep beep beep...beep...beep..."Oh whats up with this thing"....beep beep.......beep....beep ..."shit.....sorry love I typed in the wrong thing" (I smile but inside I am turning into a fucking psycho ready to shred the fucker with a rusty machete)...beep beep beep beep .....beep...beep...beep beep..."silence as beads of sweat start to run down brow" ...beep...beep beep....whirr.....card is then returned......they gulp and then one of three things happens.
1.) They get their money and receipt and walk away....nah forget that... that never fucking happens
2.) They walk away with that "I only wanted to check the account details anyway" look having obviously been refused any cash
3.) Oh horror of fucking horrors, they then reach into their purse/wallet and bring out the backup card....my life is becoming an endless wait behind knobbers who couldn't challenge a two yearold brain damaged, blind and deaf dog in a game of noughts and fucking crosses let alone be trusted to have a bank account AND a card to use in a machine. .
Beep beep beep beep.....beep...beep...beep.....beep ..." Oh now what?"....Beep beep beep fucking twatting beep...and so it goes on.
I have now been waiting for 10 poxy minutes all because the dopey shitneck in front of me is either incompetent, skint, both, downright ignorant or maybe all of those delightful traits.
Of course, you always get Mr or Mrs Convenience Banking who also use the machines to carry out every possible transaction available on the menu screen. These are the worst and I really just want to follow them home, smash the door down, grab their phone, ring their bank and then shove the phone up their bony arses with a message attached saying "Use the fucking phone to do your banking next time".
And the best bit....yeah you can now top up your shite-arse, pre-pay, minging mobile fucking phone as well while your there. Who in Gods name thought that would be a good idea? Is Satan running the Co-op? Is he doing this to actually prevent people like me getting to their cash? Am I to be forced into getting up at two in the morning, chancing my arm by walking past the teenage scumbags with fuck all to do but smoke shite in the Co-op car park, just to get my money, that I own and want to spend in the fruitless pursuit of a few hours in the pub or on the course at the end of a stressed out wanker of a week at work? It seems that way.
So, a message to you useless bastards who can't master a simple piece of technology involving inserting a card the right way, pressing a few buttons and reading a screen.
USE A FUCKING PIGGY BANK!
So I needed to rant, and obviously if this has EVER happened to you, then you gain automatic entry into the GoGB(Guild of Grumpy Blokes for my new readers...see the link on the left to read the full set ) Obviously women can only ever be honorary members, unless of course they suddenly....errrr....grow a ....ahem.... member.
Later, BankerJack
What is this the sound of?
Beep beep beep beep......beep.......beep....whirrrrr....(several hours later)..." A pint of Guinness, a pint of Carling for Mr Chelsea...and a Blackcurrant and Soda for Mrs Chelsea please Young BarSteward...£5.80....there you go mate"
Yes, it's me going to the ATM at the Co-op near my house , getting some money out, and then later on buying some drinks at the pub. Simple isn't it? Well apparently not for the fuckwits who are always in front of me in the queue. Seriously, I put my card in and six beeps later, 2 seconds of whirring and I get my cash and card and fuck off down the pub...(well I might have some food in between, spend quality time with my kids, by GMD some wine....but you get the picture). Total time at machine.....20 seconds maximum!.
No, when I get to the machine, someone always runs to it to beat me. "Wanker/bitch" I whisper under my breath to myself...(inside I'm thinking about mugging them just to teach them a lesson for being in front of a loudmouth, opinionated Chelsea fan.....perhaps The Football Factory had a bigger effect than I thought). The thing is all I then hear is..
Beep Beep beep beep...beep...beep..."Oh whats up with this thing"....beep beep.......beep....beep ..."shit.....sorry love I typed in the wrong thing" (I smile but inside I am turning into a fucking psycho ready to shred the fucker with a rusty machete)...beep beep beep beep .....beep...beep...beep beep..."silence as beads of sweat start to run down brow" ...beep...beep beep....whirr.....card is then returned......they gulp and then one of three things happens.
1.) They get their money and receipt and walk away....nah forget that... that never fucking happens
2.) They walk away with that "I only wanted to check the account details anyway" look having obviously been refused any cash
3.) Oh horror of fucking horrors, they then reach into their purse/wallet and bring out the backup card....my life is becoming an endless wait behind knobbers who couldn't challenge a two yearold brain damaged, blind and deaf dog in a game of noughts and fucking crosses let alone be trusted to have a bank account AND a card to use in a machine. .
Beep beep beep beep.....beep...beep...beep.....beep ..." Oh now what?"....Beep beep beep fucking twatting beep...and so it goes on.
I have now been waiting for 10 poxy minutes all because the dopey shitneck in front of me is either incompetent, skint, both, downright ignorant or maybe all of those delightful traits.
Of course, you always get Mr or Mrs Convenience Banking who also use the machines to carry out every possible transaction available on the menu screen. These are the worst and I really just want to follow them home, smash the door down, grab their phone, ring their bank and then shove the phone up their bony arses with a message attached saying "Use the fucking phone to do your banking next time".
And the best bit....yeah you can now top up your shite-arse, pre-pay, minging mobile fucking phone as well while your there. Who in Gods name thought that would be a good idea? Is Satan running the Co-op? Is he doing this to actually prevent people like me getting to their cash? Am I to be forced into getting up at two in the morning, chancing my arm by walking past the teenage scumbags with fuck all to do but smoke shite in the Co-op car park, just to get my money, that I own and want to spend in the fruitless pursuit of a few hours in the pub or on the course at the end of a stressed out wanker of a week at work? It seems that way.
So, a message to you useless bastards who can't master a simple piece of technology involving inserting a card the right way, pressing a few buttons and reading a screen.
USE A FUCKING PIGGY BANK!
So I needed to rant, and obviously if this has EVER happened to you, then you gain automatic entry into the GoGB(Guild of Grumpy Blokes for my new readers...see the link on the left to read the full set ) Obviously women can only ever be honorary members, unless of course they suddenly....errrr....grow a ....ahem.... member.
Later, BankerJack
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
The Crap I deal with.....
This is a genuine email I received today and shows the level of bollocks I have to endure from faceless bureuacrats at work.. The thing is Mekon is a really nice bloke, so I'm now worried that The Bodysnatchers have actually landed and have put their evil plan in place to gradually take us over and turn us into the most evil force in the known Universe. The Corporate Management Gobbledygook bollocks speakers. I remember in the sorely missed Douglas Adams Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (a Trilogy in Five Parts) that Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect end up on a ship, which it transpires is a repository for all the useless people from the planet Golgafrincham, about a thrid of their population (such as advertising executives, TV producers, PR executives, hairdressers, personnel officers, management consultants, insurance salesmen, security guards, project managers etc) and is on a collison course with prehistoric Earth, thus explaining why we are where we are now! I just wonder how true this could actually be!
Anyway have a read...see if you understand it.
This is a genuine email I received today and shows the level of bollocks I have to endure from faceless bureuacrats at work.. The thing is Mekon is a really nice bloke, so I'm now worried that The Bodysnatchers have actually landed and have put their evil plan in place to gradually take us over and turn us into the most evil force in the known Universe. The Corporate Management Gobbledygook bollocks speakers. I remember in the sorely missed Douglas Adams Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (a Trilogy in Five Parts) that Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect end up on a ship, which it transpires is a repository for all the useless people from the planet Golgafrincham, about a thrid of their population (such as advertising executives, TV producers, PR executives, hairdressers, personnel officers, management consultants, insurance salesmen, security guards, project managers etc) and is on a collison course with prehistoric Earth, thus explaining why we are where we are now! I just wonder how true this could actually be!
Anyway have a read...see if you understand it.
To Technical Services Support Team Leaders and Technical Services Change Managers,
I would like to put in place an Operational Level Agreement (OLA) with Systems Operations that enables us to measure the level of 'service' offered by either party in the ongoing and key process areas of Fault Management (includes Incident Management and Problem Management, and incorporating Case Control), Performance Management, Change Management and Network & Service Monitoring. This need is driven by the lack of clarity and transparency of the process and organizational interface and the need to represent the current set of KPI's we are measured on in context with all the other things that we are doing around the global initiatives. There may be a need to do something similar with Regional Services and I will talk to the relevant resource about this separately.
The OLA will be defined in the context of the overall SLA that The Company has with our end customers (note - there is no SLA in place today). The OLA will be defined in terms of a definition of the interface, related processes and a set of measures and a key target, aligned with objectives as set out in the One Company initiative cornerstones. Initially I want to focus on the definition of the interface, the refinement of the processes , and the measure but not the target. This will ensure that we do not set ourselves unrealistic targets that we know we cannot achieve.
To kick this activity off we will hold a workshop with Systems Operations to understand what is required and how best to achieve it. Obviously it will be impractical to invite everyone to the workshop so I propose that a set of representatives from Technical Services attend - suggestions below. If you feel you would like to attend the workshop (and note that this is only the kick off) but you are not listed below then please let me know. Also if you feel that you have something to offer but do not need to attend then please pass your thoughts to me or one of the provisional representatives below. .
I propose that in order to get a broad representation across the Business Units, Corporate Segments, Domains, Sub-Domains, Operational Units and across the Support and Change processes, the workshop attendees should be:-
- Mekon Leader
- Hot Ass (Owner of Fault/Change process for Technical Services)
- Unfeasibly Chirpy Northern Chappy (C&T/Packet - Support team leader)
- GrocerJack (CNT - Change Manager)
- Mr Laid Back (Wireless Interfaces - Support team leader)
- Mr State the bleeding obvious (MASP - Support team leader)
- Mr Aren't I fucking cool (CS - Support team leader and Change Manager)
- Mr Who? (NMS - Support team leader and Change Manager)
After the workshop I will summarise the key decisions and feed these back to you all.
Please could I have your response by midday Thursday and I will pass the names to SO who will subsequently organise the workshop.
Many thanks,
Mekon
Later, GrocerJack
Sunday, November 21, 2004
I'll be brief......
I have felt lousy today, with just about every function in my body not working properly. Couldn't play golf, can't eat without chucking up, a headache like a carving knife into the frontal lobe, bunged up, sore throat, deaf in one ear. Most of the extended family have had this at some point this week, but it seems to relish in picking me out on the weekend. It's not as if I can go sick tomorrow when I have been drafted in to give a presentation for the Mysterious M because he is off. Why accept the request and then take a days leave? Thats why I like the bloke, because thats exactly the sort of thing I'd do, and then dump onto someone else. So, it's loads of Imodium, Beechams Flu Plus, Gaviscon and Ibuprofen for me and hope it carries me through, because if I feel like this afterwards then I'm going to fuck off home and back to my bed.
Which is where I've spent today. It's hard when you're feeling so shit to find any chinks of light in amongst the literal gloom of such a shitty day. In fact it barely got properly light here today, plus it's fucking cold as well. However, I heard a song that is really bugging me because I really like it, but as usual the knobber DJ didn't announce it, or name check it afterwards. It's a slow -ish record , almost Coldplay like, but the only thing I know is the chorus which goes...
"Ohhhh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone"
Anyone know who thats by? You'll have my gratitude for at least 10 minutes or so!
Secondly, I took the opportunity to watch a film someone lent to me. It's called The Football Factory
and Christ, did it keep my attention. It's directed by a bloke called Nick Love, who seems to be the "enfant terrible" of British movies. If I put my art critic head on I might be inclined to say the film was a 2 hour onslaught of violence and foul language (yes, I know....but let me finish for fucks sake) upon the senses . However as a football fan, and a fan of the Club the "hero" follows I found it compelling, exciting, funny and ironically repulsive. It has an almost "punk" feel to it, with it's massively politically incorrect overtones. I've followed Chelsea for years and the brand of violence portrayed in the film, in my experience, does not exist in the Premiership these days by virtue of the fact that the real nutters have been priced out of the game. Having said that, I remember Donal Macintyres expose a few years back which seemed to show me how wrong I was. But at every game I go to these days the fans do mix outside the ground, so if these "firms" do exist then it must go off somewhere other than the ground.
Back to the film. The language is bad, peppered with liberal use of the word "fuck". But what really stands out is the liberal use of the C word. Now, some may question whether this word is ever used so frequently, and I only use it in this blog when someone or something really gets my goat (Simon Cowell, Iraqi terrorists, Maggie Thatcher, Davina McCall, Car Park attendants, Doctors receptionists etc), who can only be fittingly described using the C word. But go to London, stand in The Mitre just up the road from Stamford Bridge, and yes you'll hear as many C's as F's. No one uses the MF phrase because none really think they're Americans. Besides, it's too long a word for most. The story is simple, the usual "footie fan lives for punch ups on Saturday, likes casual sex, drinks Lager and does a few lines or tabs but starts to question his existence" and follows a narrative stream starting with his nearly being beaten to death by Millwall fans. Cue flashback 3 weeks and the events leading to the beating start to unfurl. Like I say, lashings of violence, realistically portrayed, with dark humour and some spot on acting, especially from the superb Frank Harper as Billy Bright, the psychotic number 2, and Tamer Hassan as the leader of the Millwall boys. The argument they have at their sons football match is priceless. Overall, a 9/10 and worth it even for the "Making of.." documentary where the language is just as bad, and you discover the fight scenes were shot using real, well known former hooligans.
Not one for the girls though...unless they are very broadminded and not squeamish.
Later, GrocerJack
I have felt lousy today, with just about every function in my body not working properly. Couldn't play golf, can't eat without chucking up, a headache like a carving knife into the frontal lobe, bunged up, sore throat, deaf in one ear. Most of the extended family have had this at some point this week, but it seems to relish in picking me out on the weekend. It's not as if I can go sick tomorrow when I have been drafted in to give a presentation for the Mysterious M because he is off. Why accept the request and then take a days leave? Thats why I like the bloke, because thats exactly the sort of thing I'd do, and then dump onto someone else. So, it's loads of Imodium, Beechams Flu Plus, Gaviscon and Ibuprofen for me and hope it carries me through, because if I feel like this afterwards then I'm going to fuck off home and back to my bed.
Which is where I've spent today. It's hard when you're feeling so shit to find any chinks of light in amongst the literal gloom of such a shitty day. In fact it barely got properly light here today, plus it's fucking cold as well. However, I heard a song that is really bugging me because I really like it, but as usual the knobber DJ didn't announce it, or name check it afterwards. It's a slow -ish record , almost Coldplay like, but the only thing I know is the chorus which goes...
"Ohhhh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone"
Anyone know who thats by? You'll have my gratitude for at least 10 minutes or so!
Secondly, I took the opportunity to watch a film someone lent to me. It's called The Football Factory
and Christ, did it keep my attention. It's directed by a bloke called Nick Love, who seems to be the "enfant terrible" of British movies. If I put my art critic head on I might be inclined to say the film was a 2 hour onslaught of violence and foul language (yes, I know....but let me finish for fucks sake) upon the senses . However as a football fan, and a fan of the Club the "hero" follows I found it compelling, exciting, funny and ironically repulsive. It has an almost "punk" feel to it, with it's massively politically incorrect overtones. I've followed Chelsea for years and the brand of violence portrayed in the film, in my experience, does not exist in the Premiership these days by virtue of the fact that the real nutters have been priced out of the game. Having said that, I remember Donal Macintyres expose a few years back which seemed to show me how wrong I was. But at every game I go to these days the fans do mix outside the ground, so if these "firms" do exist then it must go off somewhere other than the ground.
Back to the film. The language is bad, peppered with liberal use of the word "fuck". But what really stands out is the liberal use of the C word. Now, some may question whether this word is ever used so frequently, and I only use it in this blog when someone or something really gets my goat (Simon Cowell, Iraqi terrorists, Maggie Thatcher, Davina McCall, Car Park attendants, Doctors receptionists etc), who can only be fittingly described using the C word. But go to London, stand in The Mitre just up the road from Stamford Bridge, and yes you'll hear as many C's as F's. No one uses the MF phrase because none really think they're Americans. Besides, it's too long a word for most. The story is simple, the usual "footie fan lives for punch ups on Saturday, likes casual sex, drinks Lager and does a few lines or tabs but starts to question his existence" and follows a narrative stream starting with his nearly being beaten to death by Millwall fans. Cue flashback 3 weeks and the events leading to the beating start to unfurl. Like I say, lashings of violence, realistically portrayed, with dark humour and some spot on acting, especially from the superb Frank Harper as Billy Bright, the psychotic number 2, and Tamer Hassan as the leader of the Millwall boys. The argument they have at their sons football match is priceless. Overall, a 9/10 and worth it even for the "Making of.." documentary where the language is just as bad, and you discover the fight scenes were shot using real, well known former hooligans.
Not one for the girls though...unless they are very broadminded and not squeamish.
Later, GrocerJack
Friday, November 19, 2004
...and there's more....
Oh yeah, and on Blankety fucking arse-wipe Blank....as crap as it was the panellists did try and get into the spirit of things...except one. That corruptor of modern music, that doyen of c-list celebrity, that destroyer of dreams and all round cunt, Simon Cowell. He sat there thinking it was smart to be rude, to play the part of the panto villain, the hate figure. No doubt whilst creaming off a few quid as a nice fat appearnance fee. Well Cowell, it worked..I fucking hate you. You're a wanker of the highest order. Keep playing the part son, because one day someone is gonna fucking cop you an unfortunate one. And I for one will act as character witness at their defence trial on behalf of all decent caring people.
On a lighter note...Baby wants the Greenday album, but it is full of explicit lyrics. She's 9 and to be honest I'm well chuffed because her taste is showing signs of being quite......discerning. Do I buy her an album strewn with swear words? I've downloaded the superb American Idiot for her, but even that version has a bleep in it. Any views? Do I encourage her musical growth into this area and allow the swear words album to be part of her collection? Or do I risk a future of shite bollocks RnB , rap and fucking boy/girl band factory produced crap?
Later GrocerJack
Oh yeah, and on Blankety fucking arse-wipe Blank....as crap as it was the panellists did try and get into the spirit of things...except one. That corruptor of modern music, that doyen of c-list celebrity, that destroyer of dreams and all round cunt, Simon Cowell. He sat there thinking it was smart to be rude, to play the part of the panto villain, the hate figure. No doubt whilst creaming off a few quid as a nice fat appearnance fee. Well Cowell, it worked..I fucking hate you. You're a wanker of the highest order. Keep playing the part son, because one day someone is gonna fucking cop you an unfortunate one. And I for one will act as character witness at their defence trial on behalf of all decent caring people.
On a lighter note...Baby wants the Greenday album, but it is full of explicit lyrics. She's 9 and to be honest I'm well chuffed because her taste is showing signs of being quite......discerning. Do I buy her an album strewn with swear words? I've downloaded the superb American Idiot for her, but even that version has a bleep in it. Any views? Do I encourage her musical growth into this area and allow the swear words album to be part of her collection? Or do I risk a future of shite bollocks RnB , rap and fucking boy/girl band factory produced crap?
Later GrocerJack
What a load of bollocks.....
I don't mean to sound like a killjoy...but after one hour of watching the BBC's Children in Need I want to slice the top of my skull off, open the lid and scoop my brains into an acid filled food processor using a rusty ice cream scoop and switch it on whilst open to fully scatter them around the room. I have no qualms about the cause which is worthy enough, but to inflict it via a TV programme of such shocking amateurism and banality is beyond the Pudsey pale. So far tonight, I have watched Westlife perform some old song whilst dressed in DJ's, perhaps pre-emepting a move into the "music for old people" arena, where Old People's homes can be filled with the delights of these five knobbers singing their safe bollocks shite all night. Then Natasha Bedingfield.....what a looker, but what a piss poor performance from Stirling Castle...whats up love (duck for those in the Mansfield area) ..a bit too cold for you. At least put some fucking effort in. Christ even Baby said "whats up with her voice, can't she sing louder?". Rolf Harris did his Jake the Peg routine which bought back memories of an innocent period in Jacks life, when Rolf had his own Saturday night peak time entertainment show, featuring his resident dance troupe "The Young Generation". I liked that bit and I even convinced Baby that he really did have three legs.......or maybe she was stringing me along....just to humour her Dad. Can a 9 year old have a concept of humouring someone?
Then I finally gave up when they staged a faux version of that hoary old chestnut "Blankety Blank". It may be my perception but throughout the whole night I got the distinct impression that Terry Wogan
1.) hates Gabby Roslin - his co-presenter
2.) is sick of doing this
3.) has become an old curmudgeon
4.) is a parody of himself
5.) is not, and never was funny
Blankety Blank was unfunny, amateurish rubbish. That wa s 10 years ago, but this one tonight was 10 times worse! it was an utterly complete, fucked up collage of total knob cheese bollocks. Even the sublime talents of Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens couldn't rescue this knocked together insult to my intelligence and sense of humour..
So , before my weekly appointment with several pints of overpriced Guinness in underfilled glasses I felt the need to eject some much built up internal vitriol. A message to the BBC - If you want to get people to phone in and pledge then for fucks sake stop broadcasting this complacent, formulaic, ham-fisted, unfunny, patronising bollocks. Put some fucking effort in and you'll get loads of doantions, but if you think people are going to pledge money to watch any old dog turd sketches and "artistes" you are going to be very wrong, very soon.
Later GrocerJack
I don't mean to sound like a killjoy...but after one hour of watching the BBC's Children in Need I want to slice the top of my skull off, open the lid and scoop my brains into an acid filled food processor using a rusty ice cream scoop and switch it on whilst open to fully scatter them around the room. I have no qualms about the cause which is worthy enough, but to inflict it via a TV programme of such shocking amateurism and banality is beyond the Pudsey pale. So far tonight, I have watched Westlife perform some old song whilst dressed in DJ's, perhaps pre-emepting a move into the "music for old people" arena, where Old People's homes can be filled with the delights of these five knobbers singing their safe bollocks shite all night. Then Natasha Bedingfield.....what a looker, but what a piss poor performance from Stirling Castle...whats up love (duck for those in the Mansfield area) ..a bit too cold for you. At least put some fucking effort in. Christ even Baby said "whats up with her voice, can't she sing louder?". Rolf Harris did his Jake the Peg routine which bought back memories of an innocent period in Jacks life, when Rolf had his own Saturday night peak time entertainment show, featuring his resident dance troupe "The Young Generation". I liked that bit and I even convinced Baby that he really did have three legs.......or maybe she was stringing me along....just to humour her Dad. Can a 9 year old have a concept of humouring someone?
Then I finally gave up when they staged a faux version of that hoary old chestnut "Blankety Blank". It may be my perception but throughout the whole night I got the distinct impression that Terry Wogan
1.) hates Gabby Roslin - his co-presenter
2.) is sick of doing this
3.) has become an old curmudgeon
4.) is a parody of himself
5.) is not, and never was funny
Blankety Blank was unfunny, amateurish rubbish. That wa s 10 years ago, but this one tonight was 10 times worse! it was an utterly complete, fucked up collage of total knob cheese bollocks. Even the sublime talents of Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens couldn't rescue this knocked together insult to my intelligence and sense of humour..
So , before my weekly appointment with several pints of overpriced Guinness in underfilled glasses I felt the need to eject some much built up internal vitriol. A message to the BBC - If you want to get people to phone in and pledge then for fucks sake stop broadcasting this complacent, formulaic, ham-fisted, unfunny, patronising bollocks. Put some fucking effort in and you'll get loads of doantions, but if you think people are going to pledge money to watch any old dog turd sketches and "artistes" you are going to be very wrong, very soon.
Later GrocerJack
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Newsflash......
According to Reuters, the body of an unnamed sad old man with long white hair, and a white beard has been found on the beach at the resort of Torremelinos. He was clutching a carefully folded red suit with white trim. Witnesses have said he had been walking down the beach earlier in the evening.eating a mince pie and swigging from a bottle of Sherry. He was sobbing as he did so. Police do not consider the death to be suspicious.
Later, GrocerJack
According to Reuters, the body of an unnamed sad old man with long white hair, and a white beard has been found on the beach at the resort of Torremelinos. He was clutching a carefully folded red suit with white trim. Witnesses have said he had been walking down the beach earlier in the evening.eating a mince pie and swigging from a bottle of Sherry. He was sobbing as he did so. Police do not consider the death to be suspicious.
Later, GrocerJack
Christmas......in the 21st Century....
Dear Jack the Grocer,
Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!
Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .
During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.
The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.
Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!
No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.
We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.
Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)
*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.
** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!
*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.
**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.
***** Later, GrocerJack
Dear Jack the Grocer,
Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!
Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .
During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.
The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.
Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!
No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.
We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.
Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)
*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.
** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!
*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.
**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.
***** Later, GrocerJack
Friday, November 12, 2004
Letter to the real Santa................
Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.
1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)
2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.
3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.
4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.
I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........
10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99
1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99
1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99
1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99
1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99
1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99
1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99
Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.
Later , Grocerjack
Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.
1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)
2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.
3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.
4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.
I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........
10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99
1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99
1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99
1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99
1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99
1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99
1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99
Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.
Later , Grocerjack
Is Christmas near then?
A pub in Winchester has it's Christmas lights up. I saw it last night on my way home. Then as I drove past the Village Pottery I noticed they had theirs on as well. So it must already be December then? I must dash off and get some new bells for my sleigh, and collect my favourite red suit from Sketchley's. .Ho Ho fucking ho.
In a future post the things that make my Christmas Hell and my Christmas Heaven.
Later GrocerSanta
A pub in Winchester has it's Christmas lights up. I saw it last night on my way home. Then as I drove past the Village Pottery I noticed they had theirs on as well. So it must already be December then? I must dash off and get some new bells for my sleigh, and collect my favourite red suit from Sketchley's. .Ho Ho fucking ho.
In a future post the things that make my Christmas Hell and my Christmas Heaven.
Later GrocerSanta
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Enough......
With this happiness! With this contentment!
Argos fucked up my Christmas shopping order, so therefore my faith in the unswerving inability of technology to provide for my needs in this wireless, on-line, digital, mobile, infomation rich, multi-media, video on demand, business on demand, eco-friendly, energy efficient, recyclable, organic, just in time, secured server and broadband enabled world is restored.
Now, where's that fucking Betterware catalogue.........
Later GrocerJack
With this happiness! With this contentment!
Argos fucked up my Christmas shopping order, so therefore my faith in the unswerving inability of technology to provide for my needs in this wireless, on-line, digital, mobile, infomation rich, multi-media, video on demand, business on demand, eco-friendly, energy efficient, recyclable, organic, just in time, secured server and broadband enabled world is restored.
Now, where's that fucking Betterware catalogue.........
Later GrocerJack
The bits of songs that make great music...........
Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - stunning guitar riff immortalised in the Top of the Pops theme - even better after a joint.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd (Dave Gilmour) - the "live" version on Delicate Sound of Thunder is sensational with guitar you think couldn't get any higher before dogs go mad
Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix (errr....Jimi Hendrix) - Ironic patriotism? Nuff said
Bad - U2 - see the Live Aid version - tell me Bono can't hold an audience
Whisky in the Jar - Thin Lizzy (Gary Moore) - great intro, great song
Running Down the Dream - Tom Petty (Tom Petty) - the best guitar for driving to, fantastic way to finish a song
Moonage Daydream - David Bowie (Mick Ronson) - sorely missed Mick made this song with his understated guitar playing
Teenage Wasteland - The Who - one of the best intro's ever - Daltreys voice has rarely been better
Hotel California - The Eagles (Joe Walsh) - why people knock this is beyond me, timeless
Bron-y-Aur - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - so you thought they were "heavy" - stunningly beautiful guitar work
Will You - Hazel O' Connor - the best, absolute BEST Sax solo anywhere, EVER. The End.
Waiting for a Friend - Rolling Stones - almost as good as above
Money - Pink Floyd - The first real sax I ever heard - marvellous, and even better live
Candidate - David Bowie - smoky sax intro, sleaxe personified in a song ..."I'll make you a deal like any other candidate, we'll pretend your walking home coz your futures at stake"
Almaz - Randy Crawford - the human female voice when it hits perfection
Paradise City - Guns n Roses - what an intro, bang that head damn you
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses - currently being used as the backing song in the ad for Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas - that should secure a re-release
Can't take my eyes off of you - Andy Williams - are you really trying to say you've never sung this when drunk? Not trendy, but fuck me this bloke can sing.
The Winner Takes it All - Sung beuaitfully by a woman with a fantastic voice and how sad is this song? Never felt like this? Liar! And for the geezers...didn't you just want to be the one to cash in on the blonde ones sorrow and show her what a real bloke was like?
Goodbye to Love - The Carpenters - Karen Carpenter's voice is so hauntingly beautiful, soppy but great.
Politik - Coldplay - this is proof that fucking good music can still be written today. Play loudly, in a car and sing, sing , sing.
Riders on the Storm - The Doors - some of the best piano/keyboard ever and Jim Morrisons voice at its best. Again, fantastic after a joint.
Liquidator - Harry J and the Allstars - not one particular piece of this satnds out but guaranteed to get the party moving
How Soon is Now - The Smiths - Johnny Marr's atmospheric guitar with Morriseys depressing tones make this a misery's masterpiece.
Later GrocerJack
Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - stunning guitar riff immortalised in the Top of the Pops theme - even better after a joint.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd (Dave Gilmour) - the "live" version on Delicate Sound of Thunder is sensational with guitar you think couldn't get any higher before dogs go mad
Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix (errr....Jimi Hendrix) - Ironic patriotism? Nuff said
Bad - U2 - see the Live Aid version - tell me Bono can't hold an audience
Whisky in the Jar - Thin Lizzy (Gary Moore) - great intro, great song
Running Down the Dream - Tom Petty (Tom Petty) - the best guitar for driving to, fantastic way to finish a song
Moonage Daydream - David Bowie (Mick Ronson) - sorely missed Mick made this song with his understated guitar playing
Teenage Wasteland - The Who - one of the best intro's ever - Daltreys voice has rarely been better
Hotel California - The Eagles (Joe Walsh) - why people knock this is beyond me, timeless
Bron-y-Aur - Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page) - so you thought they were "heavy" - stunningly beautiful guitar work
Will You - Hazel O' Connor - the best, absolute BEST Sax solo anywhere, EVER. The End.
Waiting for a Friend - Rolling Stones - almost as good as above
Money - Pink Floyd - The first real sax I ever heard - marvellous, and even better live
Candidate - David Bowie - smoky sax intro, sleaxe personified in a song ..."I'll make you a deal like any other candidate, we'll pretend your walking home coz your futures at stake"
Almaz - Randy Crawford - the human female voice when it hits perfection
Paradise City - Guns n Roses - what an intro, bang that head damn you
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses - currently being used as the backing song in the ad for Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas - that should secure a re-release
Can't take my eyes off of you - Andy Williams - are you really trying to say you've never sung this when drunk? Not trendy, but fuck me this bloke can sing.
The Winner Takes it All - Sung beuaitfully by a woman with a fantastic voice and how sad is this song? Never felt like this? Liar! And for the geezers...didn't you just want to be the one to cash in on the blonde ones sorrow and show her what a real bloke was like?
Goodbye to Love - The Carpenters - Karen Carpenter's voice is so hauntingly beautiful, soppy but great.
Politik - Coldplay - this is proof that fucking good music can still be written today. Play loudly, in a car and sing, sing , sing.
Riders on the Storm - The Doors - some of the best piano/keyboard ever and Jim Morrisons voice at its best. Again, fantastic after a joint.
Liquidator - Harry J and the Allstars - not one particular piece of this satnds out but guaranteed to get the party moving
How Soon is Now - The Smiths - Johnny Marr's atmospheric guitar with Morriseys depressing tones make this a misery's masterpiece.
Later GrocerJack
Jack has been busy…….
Remember when I used to be able to post every day? Remember when I was prolifically writing stuff because my role had changed within The Company and my days were filled with so little to do that boredom and frustration allowed me to vent my feelings with real passion? Remember when my creative thread was fed by the feeling of being cast aside by The Sandman into the wilds of a meaningless and unproductive raison d’etre?
Well, now my role over that 7 month halcyon period has become very different. And it’s heading in the direction of
The last few weeks have been even harder than normal really because this week saw the launch of The Company’s highly expensive new Pipes, Tubes and Strings technology for which the Nanny Government striped us of £6 billion for the privilege to use. Once we had paid that money of course our shares, which constitute my only savings policy (pension aside) went into freefall because The City (I need a nickname for those freeloading scumbags) decided we had “overpaid” for the licence. Hmmm….damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Pay the price for the licence, dictated by the Governments fantastically business (un)friendly auction, or ignore it and have The Scatmunchers (nickname for The City) sit there and destroy the company, and with it my pension, savings and income for not having any future technology strategy. I am no huge Corporate fellatio provider, but The Company really could not win on this score and despite my, albeit champagne, socialist leanings, when someone threatens my lifestyle I suddenly become the most selfish bastard in the world. I
I digress. I guess my point here is that as I become gradually busier the harder it is to post. Also, the less miserable at work I am (and I am rather enjoying the majority of the activity increase) the less inspired I am to write and take the piss. It’s a bit like songwriters never writing good songs when they’re happy. You need angst, pain, frustration, anger in order to sometimes write the better stuff.
I guess the moral here is that…happiness makes you dull.
Later GrocerJack
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
This Weeks Work of Art - Picasso's Enfants a cheval au Roulettes. I don't know why I like Picasso, it seems so...obvious, but when I first got this bug for Art I found this stuff more challenging and I suppose it led me into my fascination for more the avant-garde works. One thing is never in doubt, Picasso's works always make the viewer question exactly what was in the artists mind when he painted it , Later GrocerJack
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